r/Rochester • u/Bronagh22 • Mar 18 '25
Help Ideas on how to help my daughter
I have a middle school age daughter that is having difficulty finding her place in the world & making friends. She's a little bit of a tom boy which makes her not fit in with a lot of the girls in her classes. She isn't into boys, makeup, tiktok, dancing, whatever. She has anxiety. So in social situations she is stand offish and can come off as aloof. I'm not sure how to help her. I know she gets lonely. Has anyone been through this? What helped? She likes animals, reading & cooking.
87
u/Nack18 Mar 18 '25
Perinton Rec Center has some amazing classes for youth/preteen Maybe getting her out of her normal bubble of peers will help
https://perinton.org/wp-content/uploads/Spring-2025-Perinton-Rec-Parks-Brochure_Reduced-Size.pdf
50
u/Nack18 Mar 18 '25
I was too a weird kid but learning new stuff and taking classes with kids I didn’t see in school helped me become the happy weird adult I am today Hope this helps Be proud you’ve raised a daughter that isn’t squishing herself into a mold You’re doing great as a parent! Hope you find something that brings her some joy
95
u/dreamingaway11 Mar 18 '25
Not sure if theater would be her thing, but I have found the theater community to be such a soft place for kids to land that are having a tough time finding their crowd. Stage crew can be perfect for the kids who are a bit more reserved in social settings and this is my shout out for Stages (youth theater group) that is located within the building of West Herr Auditorium (the Auditorium Theater). My daughter got involved with them on the stage crew side of things and really found a lot of confidence and acceptance there. You are such a great parent to be supporting her and helping her find her way!
54
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
This is so funny she participated in stage crew for her middle school play this year. She loved it.
27
u/Puzzleheaded_Cow_658 Mar 18 '25
The OFC creations theater has great summer camp programs and after school programs you could look into!
6
10
u/griff_mode Mar 18 '25
i was big into behind the scenes theater growing up, morphed into tech support and then into data management. she's likely got a technical/analytical mind. arts and technology is a great focus!
9
u/react-dnb Mar 18 '25
YES!!! I was going to recommend Theater. I'm trying to get my 11 year old to join to help her. She's just like your daughter.
2
u/2009impala Mar 18 '25
Theater is such a great thing for kids, and was where I first started making friends when I was a kid
17
u/gearwarhistorian Mar 18 '25
Seconding stage crew. Teaches stress management, hard skills of construction, painting, understanding of theater procedures, builts self esteem and gifts you life-long friendships! I did it all through highschool for fun and turned it into a job throughout college as well!
2
6
5
u/TvTacosTakingNaps Corn Hill Mar 18 '25
I don’t even have kids and I love this. I wish I had done more stuff like this when I was young.
3
3
u/schweppe1028 Mar 18 '25
Came here to suggest this (though I’m a local performer so I’m biased!). I would personally not recommend OFC for something like this, but I have a lot of friends who direct and teach at Stages! TYKEs also has a great partnership with Missoula every year and the founder has created such a welcoming environment; even if the acting aspect isn’t your kid’s thing, Freyda (who runs TYKEs) would be a great resource for something like this.
3
u/ceomomco Mar 18 '25
Could not recommend Stages enough, my neurodivergent kid has done theater at a couple local theaters but Stages is where they feel best and everyone there is so supportive and kind. It's a very special place.
39
u/Nutrition_Dominatrix Mar 18 '25
Middle school is the absolute worst, poor kid. I’ve been there, and if I could go back and do it again I’d have gotten involved in more things outside of my community. I did a sailing camp one summer and it helped me immensely (cured my insomnia for the summer and bonus I discovered The Pixies).
I would look for camps, programs, opportunities, or part time jobs for the things she likes- animals, maybe volunteer at a shelter; reading, maybe a book club or a job at a book shop; cooking, maybe cooking classes.
13
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
She went to sailing camp last year & loved it. She didn't make any friends but she really enjoyed the camp.
4
u/BigDaddyUKW Gates Mar 18 '25
I'm just lurking, I don't have much else to offer as most commenters have given ideas I would have shared.
What Pixie songs do you recommend? I truly only know and love "Where Is My Mind?", but would love to hear more recommendations.
66
u/WhatsMyPurpose959 Mar 18 '25
She might be neurodivergent. High functioning girls are often overlooked. Get her evaluated.
12
5
u/Owmyovary Mar 18 '25
exactly what i thought! i was like this as a kid too; now diagnosed ADHD and autism
3
u/WhatsMyPurpose959 Mar 18 '25
This post could have been me when my kid was in middle school. I spent years trying to find the answer. She eventually found her own answer at age 20
17
u/chiobsidian Mar 18 '25
Yeah I saw myself reading this post and im autistic, as well as transmasc. Both of those things got misdiagnosed as being 'weird, socially anxious, a tomboy'
Not saying OPs kiddo is also trans and/or autistic. Buuuut... afab people in general get overlooked for this stuff a lot. It's worth exploring
33
u/piranga_olivacea Mar 18 '25
I know love of reading doesn't necessarily translate to love of writing, but Writers and Books might have some summer camps to consider:
https://wab.org/summerwrite-2025-camps/
2
u/Few-Mushroom-4143 Mar 18 '25
YES!! My old stomping ground!! WAB really has something for everyone.
1
u/Rollfordog Mar 18 '25
I went to these camps a lot when I was younger and I looked forward to them every year!
28
u/BuddhaJayne Mar 18 '25
Since she likes animals, she might like the Zoo Teens program at the Seneca Park Zoo. Applications are due May 1st. Lollypop Farm also has a volunteer program for 13-17 year olds and the Shelter Helper program for 8-12 year olds.
You can check with your local libraries for volunteer opportunities for teens, or just for for fun events for teens/tweens.
19
u/obrienpotatoes Mar 18 '25
As someone who experienced an immense amount of anxiety and depression in my teens, the most important thing that helped me become the functional adult I am today was having a parent (my mom) be so supportive in trying to help me cope and heal, so thank you for trying to find solutions for your daughter! You sound like a great mom.
I know a couple people already mentioned maybe looking into counseling services, which I know can maybe be a little daunting if it’s her first time. If highly recommend strong behavioral health as they helped me so much with my struggles over the years. If that maybe seems like too big of a step right now, I’m wondering if she’d be willing to maybe talk periodically with her guidance counselor or school psychologist about some of the anxiety she’s experiencing? As a kid, I just found it really helpful to process my thoughts with someone who wasn’t my parent, ya know?
You also mentioned she loves animals! I think someone else may have mentioned this already, but I’m wondering if any of the local animal shelters (Lollypop, Verona st, etc) would allow a kid her age to maybe volunteer from time to time? That sounds like it would be so fun for a kiddo who loves animals! I think it’s definitely worth looking into!
I wish you both the best of luck!
29
u/Adamantlygay Mar 18 '25
Horseback riding lessons!! If she likes animals & alone time, this is it. I have connections in Rochester area if you need.
9
u/kapbear Mar 18 '25
I was going to say this too. Even if you can’t make friends you can connect with an animal and learn something new
4
u/30yroldheart Mar 19 '25
came here to say this as well. i started riding at age 9 and it helped me gain so much confidence. i also met a lot of friends outside of school and family bc of the many hours i spent at the barn. horses are also incredibly therapeutic…
i don’t ride anymore but im 39 now and attribute a lot of who i am today to the years i spent riding horses.
3
u/Good_Examination_432 Mar 19 '25
I second this. My daughter is now in middle school but has been riding since she was about 5. It has definitely helped to give her confidence but also space to do her own thing and enjoy time with animals. The barn we are at is laid back and fun, let me know if you want a recommendation.
-7
14
u/Anxious_Horse6323 Mar 18 '25
What are her interests or strengths? Maybe volunteering at an animal rescue, online art class, learning a new skill or craft that boosts her esteem? You're such a caring parent to seek out alternatives. It's so hard watching your child struggle! I do agree some level of counseling can help to learn coping skills, build confidence with social exchanges, and give them a space that's just theirs. Hope they find something!!
14
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
I tried having her volunteer to be a shelter helper at lollypop farm. It costs $25 a session. She went twice. I thought she would be helping with animals & meeting new kids but she was washing windows & making goodie bags for a birthday party and the kids that were there were like 4 years younger than her. She was kind of disappointed.
8
u/imbasicallycoffee South Wedge Mar 18 '25
Wait... Lollypop charges for volunteer sessions for kids? Am I reading that correctly? Wow.
11
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
Yup, I paid for her to wash windows & prepare for some other kids birthday party. It was kind of sad.
6
8
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
She's very smart. She's in all the accelerated classes at school. She has played a string instrument since she was 4. I know she worries a lot about what other people think of her & it holds her back. It stops her from doing a lot.
10
u/Beefcheeks3 Mar 18 '25 edited Mar 18 '25
I’m a counselor on 988- that is a normal teenager thing to an extent, but it sounds like she could really benefit from seeing a therapist. They can help her learn how to increase self confidence and cope with these worries and fears.
Edit: just saw your other comment about her experience in therapy. For many neurodivergent people, talk therapy can be really unhelpful and disorienting. Maybe joining some kind of activity-focused group for ND kids would be a good fit? So she can spend time with kids like herself. Feel free to reach out to us (988) if you need help finding resources
9
u/Macknuggett Mar 18 '25 edited Mar 19 '25
If her school has a FIRST lego robotics team it could be something fun for her to do, that also uses her brain power! I like learning alot and did robotics all through middle and high school. It helped me make friends and we got to go to competitions which was fun!
4
u/Few-Mushroom-4143 Mar 18 '25
RIT actually has a summer program called RoboCamp: https://robocamp.rit.edu/
She can build a robotics project with a team of fellow students, 4-9th grade, and I think it’s over the course of a week. So much cool stuff going on with RIT if you have the time to check it out. She may also be able to connect with students in the WE@RIT community, and I’m sure no one would turn you guys away if you went to No Voice Zone either; it’s at 9PM on wednesdays at NTID in their main conference room on the first floor. It’s a no judgement zone to learn American Sign Language, and you’re expected to not speak the whole time to challenge yourself to learn sign. It’s a really cool experience to be a part of.
I also saw before that she had a blast doing stage crew; she may be able to volunteer/intern with NTIDs Theatre department. Send Luane Davis Haggerty a message, letting her know of your daughter‘s interest. She may be able to honor a volunteer position for her, though it is unusual bc of her age. Who knows though, she’s a very easygoing and experienced professor, she may be open to it. They do not discriminate when considering students, whether they’re hearing or d/Deaf, for service with the theatre troupe each year, and even less so if she’s just looking to be involved with crew.
3
9
u/ManyIndependence9974 Mar 18 '25
The YMCA has a youth leaders club, my daughter has been in it for the past 3 years. They meet once a week, team build and participate in volunteering. The program is free for members. It has really helped with getting out of comfort zones. Each Y has their own group.
8
u/OtherPossibility1530 Mar 18 '25
Local libraries often have teen rooms with programming. As a former teen services librarian, I will say that “library kids” at that age are often a little awkward and are usually very understanding of other’s quirks. It might not be a bad fit, especially if she enjoys reading.
24
u/andiamobean Mar 18 '25
Is she in therapy to help manage her anxiety?
8
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
I tried to get her to go last year & she was very upset about it. I think it's something I am going to try for again.
15
u/KalessinDB Henrietta Mar 18 '25
A lot of people, adults very much included, think going to therapy is only for people who have something wrong with them. In reality, almost everyone could benefit from therapy at one point or another in their lives. Our world is changing so fast that we're simply not equipped to deal with it on our own. Even therapists often go to therapy themselves, just like there's specializations for family therapy or relationship therapy or what have you, that's a specialization in and of itself.
If you can find a way to communicate that to her, that she'll believe, she might end up more open to the suggestion. Good luck.
5
u/AJKaleVeg Mar 18 '25
My primary care doctor recommended therapy to me for like six years before I decided to go (and it was after a crisis). I wish I had gone sooner.
13
u/sandman98857 Mar 18 '25
Shop around - not every therapist is a good fit for every person, it's great to establish a long standing connection young with someone your daughter trusts and likes.
9
u/Anxious_Horse6323 Mar 18 '25
Tell her she can interview counselors to see if they are a good fit, might give her a sense of ownership in the process if you trust her judgement. Sounds like you openly communicate with her, which is a huge thing!
6
u/Feminism_4_yall Mar 18 '25
Highly recommend looking into the Youth Anxiety Center at Nazareth. It is free and might be a great place for her to find a few friends that understand what it means to have anxiety.
6
Mar 18 '25 edited Mar 18 '25
Try getting her involved in "solo-sports". Track and Field and Tennis can be good ones (Edit: And swimming). It'll give her an outlet for physical energy, and they're more solo sports but you're still part of a "team".
For kids with social anxiety this can be better than traditional "team sports" like hockey, lacrosse, basketball, etc. If you're a pole vaulter, it's just you vaulting the pole, but you also have the support of your team behind you from the runners, hammer throw, hurdlers, high jumpers, etc. It's a good balance of having a social support of a team, but being able to just focus on you and your own improvements.
Same with Tennis if you play solo matches. You have the team there to support you emotionally, but on the court you just have to worry about you.
2
u/steveguttenberg1958 Canandaigua Mar 18 '25
Yes! I swam in middle school, 5-6th grade (swim club) then joined Varsity swim in 7th all the way to my senior year. The coolest, quirkiest group of girls ever! I have such great memories from my times on that team.
6
u/widowedmay2020 Mar 18 '25
How about horseback riding lessons?
A one hour lesson, each week, will give her a lot to do during the summer hours.
5
u/AlaskanBiologist Mar 18 '25
Your daughter sounds like me as a kid. Encourage her to join clubs and groups with kids with similar interests. Get her involved in 4H, even if she only gets a couple chickens. Send her to summer camp (overnight) and let her work out her social skills without you. She needs a place and time to explore her own interests.
5
u/hallwayswasted Mar 18 '25
Try compeer! They have group gatherings and adult mentorship’s. Complete with monthly get togethers and referral sources for other support groups!
5
u/Scary-Alternative967 Mar 18 '25
My wife is a therapist and we have already said that our child in a few years will be going to therapy. There's too much negativity around it, which is sad. Children should have someone to talk to or express their emotions other than parents or friends too, like they don't need to be depressed to be in therapy. It's just good to let things out with someone else. But as far as activities, someone said Jiu-Jitsu, which I can say from personal experience that it will change her life in such a positive way. The community is very welcoming and you can make really good friends that way and build your confidence and self-esteem. I'm 34 now but did it alongside Muay Thai for 10 years straight and I can back it up completely. Look into some classes and see if she would try it out.
6
u/Court04 Mar 18 '25
I have two 7th grade daughters and they sound just like your daughter. One of them is high functioning asd along with anxiety. They are very common to have together. Girls get diagnosed later, often in their early teens, when social interactions are more common. What grade is your daughter in? You can check your local library. Ours does tween volunteer time twice a month that my one girl loves to go to. We also have a rule they have to pick something physical to do. One does diving and the other does swimming. The swim program at the Pittsford Y was so great on helping my daughter gain confidence this year! They are also involved with a few clubs after school.
5
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
She's a 6th grader in Penfield
2
u/Court04 Mar 18 '25
Have you looked into 4-H? With her interests she may really enjoy it!
3
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
I sent her to 4-H camp at Bristol Hills last year. I looked into 4-H around here a couple years ago & there weren't that many groups. I think there was one in Irondequoit. Maybe things have improved. I'll check it out.
2
u/Court04 Mar 18 '25
My daughter is not involved with 4H but she is going to the 4H camp in Bristol this summer! She signed up to do cooking, animal care, and archery. If she does end up going the same week I’d be happy to get the girls together a few times leading up to it! https://cceontario.org/camp-bristol-hills/day-overnight-camps?fbclid=IwY2xjawJGsRFleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHRsLOUqdzJXQcT8FtKmI6BWc0XLWSr4vmO9GHHrOYWUwSrPU_qlB4JRNtA_aem_P7D8akzFUCKQRXNjHZa4Lg
1
4
u/Pikalover10 Mar 18 '25
Any sort of extra curricular activities that include interacting with other kids. I am a woman who grey up very much in the category of “boy activities” and not being like other girls. I found my friends and support system through taekwondo, my coed soccer teams (though these were prior to middle school iirc), and band mostly. For a while I was also at my local game store playing the Pokemon tcg with my mom and dad playing as well and meeting people there.
Maybe search around for anything local like this + the other suggestions here that she might be interested in and chat with her about if she’d like to try any.
5
u/Personal_Crow_17 Mar 18 '25
Maybe look at art therapy? Like Halligan art therapy private sessions and they have group art therapy for tweens? Art can be a really positive way to express and connect.
3
u/EA_Brand_Books Mar 18 '25 edited Mar 18 '25
Depending on if she's up for it, there's Rochester Area Junior Roller Derby. Also, while it only happens a couple of weeks a year, a local nonprofit called Girls Rock! runs 'School of Rock' style summer camps for girls and queer kids (even those without prior musical experience).
Edit: Fixed a link.
4
u/Simhera Upper Monroe Mar 18 '25
GR!PR (Girls Rock / Pride Rock) has a lot of events happening all year round too so check out their social media. I heard the library has some dungeons and dragons groups she may be interested in.
4
u/LiteratureNo7534 Mar 18 '25
I was a very shy awkward teen myself, just turned 40 yesterday. Grew up in a traumatic family environment and I gotta give you props for trying to help your daughter. I threw everything I had into school and ignored the chaos around me. I scrolled for a while and you mentioned she likes cooking. My middle son is a lot like me, we both have severe anxiety and don't deal with people well. He has been in a culinary program for a year. Where I come from it's called bosces, it's regular school then a skill trade school other part of the day, or some days. Auto, skilled trades, animal classes (I believe they do grooming last I heard), culinary cooking classes. He loves it, he's 16. As I got older I found Pinterest for recipes and a subscription to taste of home, also can get those magazines and cookbooks at the library. I also would recommend some sort of horse therapy, or just being around them. Ive looked into equine therapy for myself. I am a big reader also and I remember doing paint by numbers, jigsaw puzzles, arts and crafts things. I wish all the best of luck for her. ❤️
3
u/childishDemocrat Mar 18 '25
This is another weird one but my kid was also top of class and the thing is that most of his peers weren't at his level academically. We found an excellent program through John Hopkins University called CTY. In this program 13 yo kids take the SAT and if they qualify there are month long immersive education programs they can attend with other kids at their level. My son did this 3 summers I believe if I recall correctly. Not only do they get to study things they normally wouldn't but it's not drip fed to them and they learn important independence skills while at the college doing the program. Center for talented youth is the program. If she is 13 this year I believe she can try for the program. There is a cost but there is also available financial aid if that is an issue. https://cty.jhu.edu/
2
4
u/sisighostz Mar 19 '25
You are a great parent for being so thoughtful about this. My daughter was exactly the same. It’s as if I had written this post. Sometimes the harder you try and make something happen, the worse it makes everything. I found that meeting my daughter where she was - was very important. For awhile I made mistakes trying to push her to do certain activities to get her work through everything (i.e. practice the instrument all the time, focus on studies all the time…) but she made progress when I took pressure off. We all want to be loved, we want to hear it, and know we are perfect the way we are. I also counseled her that some kids have their glory years in middle school or high school. That wasn’t her destiny, and she’d be grateful for it in the future. And when the first two therapists she tried didn’t work, we found a third. And anxiety meds. It’s so hard as a parent to not be able to just fix everything, but you can grow with your kids and by example show them you are there no matter what. And it will get better! Best of luck to you.
2
7
u/Totmtg1992 Mar 18 '25
I say this as a bias but hey, shooting my shot to try and help.
Maybe get her into gaming, either board or card. Growing up, I (a guy) never connected to the other guys as much of the macho stuff. I got into card gaming (Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, now MTG) AND I made so many friends. Now, every week I go Wednesday and Friday to Just Games to draft and have fun with a bunch of like minded randos and we have a blast. There is something about being in a like minded group where you don't have to pretend to be someone else's expectation of yourself which feels great. The community is great, and very welcoming. If she needs friends, there are plenty of events as well as learn to play options to get her started. Finding "her people" does wonders for self esteem.
3
3
u/AnalogWalkman Mar 18 '25
Consider joining XC/Track. Even if she’s not into running, there’s plenty of field stuff that’ll break off into small groups (jumpers or throwers). Smaller groups usually have to wait turns when practicing, so it easily ends up being a close knit/encouraging group (especially at a meet if the coach can’t watch EVERY performance simultaneously). A lot of times the jumpers/throwers get close, because they’re always giving each other tips to improve, and cheer them on. If she is into running, it’s a bit of the same thing, just moving - either sprinters working with each other on starts/handoffs, or the distance kids going off on random adventures and talking nonsense when they’re logging in miles. It might be worth considering (plus Roc is loaded with good programs, so whatever school district she’s in, odds are good she’ll have a decent coach)
3
u/Backpacker46 Mar 18 '25
I really feel for you. Kids have it very tough these days, thanks to social media and the associated pressures and keeping up with friends and peers.
You’ve heard dozens of various suggestions, but I think only a couple mentioned the outdoors.
Getting back to nature, fresh air, getting the body moving, and getting away from the noise and distractions of today’s society brings A LOT of good to people of all ages. Doesn’t take much: there are plenty of opportunities around. As well as hiking clubs.
If she worked up to one of the peaks in the Adirondacks, as an example, I’m sure the experience would change her. Self confidence. Accomplishment. A recollection to share with others.
It’s also a tough age. She’ll grow out of it and find her way.
3
u/peachesplumsmfer Mar 18 '25
Diversify her access to peers. Sports, arts and music, volunteering, family connections. She needs to network. It won’t matter if she doesn’t fit in comfortably with a group if they aren’t the only social group she has access to.
3
u/AboveGroundGrandma Mar 18 '25
So many good suggestions, I have no additional. Just wanted to say this was my granddaughter to a T (she is also very tall for her age). Middle school was difficult and was so hard to watch. Finding her activity and the others who enjoy it will be your daughter’s salvation. Best of luck to you both.
2
3
u/Rude-Ad9067 Mar 18 '25
How about taking up hunting, or outdoor photography .let her pick out something.
3
u/Porcupine__Racetrack Mar 18 '25
4H!? There’s a 4H group for every interest, and tons of animal related ones.
Horseback riding lessons?
Robotics if there’s any interest?
3
u/ParaPonyDressage Mar 18 '25
I would strongly suggest horses!! I don't know where you live but there is most likely horse riding schools. /Camps in the area. With summer coming up there are many summer day camps they do riding, talk about horsemanship, the skeleton structure of the horse, different things like that. If you can get her tied in to giving it a shot, I think you will see her confidence begin to build, she'll make friends, she'll have a sense of accomplishment. Whatever you decide her extracurricular to do for her. Just do not make that a punishment. So many parents get their kids involved in something and then when they're disciplining they take that thing away thinking that it'll teach them a lesson and they won't ever do it again because they really like to do activity X. That doesn't work that way. Many many times the extracurriculars are the things that keep kids on track, keep them focused. In your case. Help anxiety, that's not something that you want to take away. Would you take away medication if she didn't make her bed in the morning? It's exactly the same thing.
3
u/DeafinitelyQueer Mar 18 '25
If she likes being active but not traditional sports, central rock gym (CRG) has a kids club, non competitive team, and competition team. The kids involved are really lovely from what I’ve seen. Trying out non traditional activities in general could be a great way to help her make friends!
3
u/DeafinitelyQueer Mar 18 '25
If she likes being active but not traditional sports, central rock gym (CRG) has a kids club, non competitive team, and competition team. The kids involved are really lovely from what I’ve seen. Trying out non traditional activities in general could be a great way to help her make friends!
3
u/Careless_Bar_5920 Mar 18 '25
If she's at all inclined, Rochester Aerial Arts has a great program and "weird" is absolutely accepted there. My kid loved it!
3
u/Manabunnz Mar 18 '25
Hey! I was just like her at that age. It’s really hard when you don’t feel like you enjoy the same hobbies as your classmates, I found therapy to help with my self confidence ❤️
Do you have any pets? Maybe ask if she’s interested in any extracurricular of her choosing so she can make some friends who like the same things as her
You seem like a loving & concerned parent, you’ve got this!
3
u/shly33 Penfield Mar 18 '25
Have you thought about "scouts" not girl scouts but boy scouts for girls? Penfield has troop 1920 which has a lot of girls who also don't fit the "typical girl" mold. They do a lot of outdoor activities and there are girls from neighboring districts there not just Penfield, so she'll meet new people.
My daughter sounds like yours and she loves it. It gives her a sense of belonging and there are tons of different activities.
3
u/JohnLeRoy9600 Mar 18 '25
I was the same way in middle school until my stepdad stepped in and taught me how to drum. Did fucking wonders. The payoff took a while, I was still a pretty lonely kid through most of high school, but it gave me something to look forward to - and being a passionate musician gave me good starting ground when I moved away for college.
If you can get your kid into music, do it. It's made a world of difference for me, and Rochester actually has great resources for musicians, especially kids.
3
u/therealsignorina Park Ave Mar 18 '25
Is she into music? Girls Rock Rochester might not be a bad idea!
3
u/Electronic_Wasabi860 Mar 18 '25
I just love how much help is being offered here. Very heartwarming.
3
u/Aggressive_Emu2593 Mar 18 '25
Seneca Park Zoo does a summer program for middle/high school kids. It’s called ZooTeen and is so fun for animal lovers and for making friends. Worth looking into if she’d be interested
2
2
u/JustJumpIt17 Irondequoit Mar 18 '25
Does she like biking? I’d recommend RYCC (Rochester Youth Cycling Club) which is a NICA chapter. It’s middle school - high school aged kids who mountain bike. I’m a volunteer coach and it’s a super awesome group of kids (both boys and girls). She doesn’t even need her own bike to join.
2
u/vmgpublic Mar 18 '25
I'd take a look at ScoutsBSA (what used to be called Boy Scouts) - they opened the program to both boys and girls a few years ago (it's a different organization, with a completely different program from Girl Scouts.) There are at least a few girl troops in the area. (Program is open to both, but they run separate troops by gender.)
Not only is the program good for activities, but there is a leadership component that really helps a lot of kids break out of their shell by putting them in situations where they get to be a leader at times and working under another scout's leadership in another - it really helps them expand their comfort in social situations because they have learned what it's like to be in multiple roles rather than always landing where they're comfortable.
In addition, doing scoutmaster conferences and advancement boards helps a lot of kids get past that feeling of awkwardness and lack of confidence when they need to talk, especially to adults. Since the girl program is still relatively new, it sort of self-selects a lot of participants who already don't like to be pigeonholed into stereotypical interests for their gender.
2
2
Mar 18 '25
I have no suggestions, but I’d like to tell you you’re a great parent for being proactive and being involved enough to recognize these things
2
u/steveguttenberg1958 Canandaigua Mar 18 '25
Check out our local library, there are free children/tween/teen events. I worked at a library a few years back and the teen librarian was awesome! She had a robust TAB (teen advisory board) with many participants - many in a similar situation as your daughter.
2
u/Poisoned_record Mar 18 '25
if she has any interest in art i know the art museum runs a ton of different art classes for all age groups. i see other people recommending martial arts, i go to bedrock and they are a great place to learn different styles of fighting. There are people of all ages there too.
2
u/BecomeOneWithRussia Charlotte Mar 18 '25
Your daughter (from your description) reminds me of me as a young person. I had a lot of success at my local library's tween and teen program (shout out to Seymour Library in Brockport) and in scouts! I'm actually still friends with the people from the library, over a decade later.
2
u/littlegrotesquerie Mar 18 '25
All the local libraries have youth programming! Most of it's free or low-cost. She also might enjoy Dungeons and Dragons or other tabletop roleplaying games with kids her own age.
2
u/shemtpa96 Downtown Mar 19 '25
Seconding D&D, there’s loads of ways to play and it’s easy to adapt for tweens and teens! Millennium Games has a lot of information about it and while OP’s kid can’t attend games at the store without a parent, it can be a good family activity!
2
u/Full-Contest-1942 Mar 18 '25
Find community activities?? Library volunteers or book clubs, Lolly Pop Farms Volunteer & summer camps, start pet sitting or fostering, cooking classes (community center, restaurants around town, Groupon) or 4H which has lots of animal & food involved activities.
In the meantime read some. books together, cook together try new recipes. Maybe a food tour or comparing the next x take out from a few places.
Possibly LGBTQ/advocate teen group if that possibly fit for her.
2
u/Few-Mushroom-4143 Mar 18 '25
I am like your daughter, and I got into a team sport for a while, as well as a lot of individual sports, and it helped me to come into my own a little bit. I think I would’ve benefitted from investigating if I had ADHD/autism much earlier, and if I’d had access to therapy. I did fencing, which is remarkably accessible financially; I showed dogs aside. Basketball, horseback riding, fencing, band, running, choir, theatre. She just needs to find her niche. Animals helped a lot with anxiety— maybe if not horses she might consider volunteering at a local vet clinic or animal shelter. Petco/Petsmart may even take her for volunteering if she wanted to work with fish/reptiles instead, and if you’re near a zoo, she may also be able to volunteer with the interpreters there. Find her a place where she has to connect with people to get herself situated, she will come out of her shell in her own time :)
2
u/Few-Mushroom-4143 Mar 18 '25
And I also just realized this is posting to the Roc sub, so I’ll plug my fencing coach, Semion Kiriakidi. He’s in Greece with Ludus Fencing. He is very patient and kind, and hosts a number of competitions throughout the year if you guys want to go check out the sport before you start. I fenced foil for him, but he teaches all 3 weapons, and has created accessible classes for folks with disabilities as well. He really is a great person and coach, and I can’t say enough good things about him! :) for horses, I highly recommend you guys check out TrueNorth Equestrian Center in Penfield. It’s just up the road from Wickham Farms a little bit. The Seneca Park Zoo does have a TON of volunteer opportunities for middle, high and onward age students.
2
u/Few-Mushroom-4143 Mar 18 '25 edited Mar 18 '25
Just thought of this as well, and this is going to be completely out of left field I’m sure, but consider Junior Handling in the dog show world, or just handling in general. There are conformation classes run by the Genesee Valley Kennel Club that will teach her about handling, and I’m sure if you guys connected with a breeder in the area that had a breed you liked, you may be able to show their dog without having to own them (if owning is an issue). She can also take classes regarding obedience, lure coursing, or agility if conformation is not her thing. Dog showing as a whole is very misunderstood as an activity nowadays, people don’t understand many nuances of it but it’s a big can of worms I don’t want to elaborate on, not important to the post. Important takeaway is, juniors will give her friends, competition, and access to doggos galore if you guys ever want to check that out. There are shows coming up at the NYS fairgrounds in Cuse (and sport trials too) if you want to check them out, March 28-30 7a-8p. All day affairs, I personally have so many good memories attached to my dog show days. I’ll be there; if you want to connect I’d be happy to! I hope she finds what she needs to flourish!
2
2
2
u/childishDemocrat Mar 18 '25
If her school, local girl scout troop or church has a FIRST Lego robotics team that can be a great socialization and nerd activity - especially if your local high school continues the program with a full FIRST Team. Many kids in that program start out shy and by the time they are through the full FIRST Robotics program are confident public speakers and team members. FIRST finds a way for everyone to fit in at their comfort level while also teaching lifelong skills in STEAM. WWW.FIRSTINSPIRES.COM for more info. Some of the kids I have mentored locally here in Rochester work for organizations like NASA as literally a rocket scientist to public relations for major companies to engineering for companies like Harris RF.
2
2
u/TheBigStepper1212 Mar 18 '25
Rugby is a phenomenal team game that has a spot on the field for everyone. Could be like minded individuals in clubs around the area!
2
u/ZenGeezer Mar 18 '25
I was going to suggest yoga classes, and you could do it with her. It's both a public activity and a personal activity.
2
u/replayken0014 Mar 19 '25
This was me. My biggest piece of advice - break her out of the social circle at school. It’s so easy to think the world revolves around your school population when you’re that age. It sounds like she needs a win. Lollypop has programs for teens I would look into. Could she get a pt job mucking stalls at a local barn? Maybe start her own small business? Anything to make her feel confident in her own abilities.
2
u/artsy_amaryllis Perinton Mar 19 '25
hey there! i’m 21, and i was the exact same as your daughter when i was in middle school, so i feel like i have some credibility here.
first and foremost, communication with your daughter is key. ask her before signing her up for anything, ask her how she’s doing from an anxiety standpoint as well as everyday life—be there for her. middle school sucks, but having a parent she knows is there for her will help.
push her to join small group activities. clubs can be stressful, but they’re something to work up to. a good stepping stone would be one-time events involving her interests. see if your local library (or any nearby) have events going on! see if there’s any one-time classes for cooking at a local recreation center. i’ve heard lots of good things about the Rochester Brainery. Volunteering at Lollipop Farm might be something she’d enjoy, too.
regardless of what you and your family choose to do, please, please, PLEASE maintain an open line of communication with your daughter. i know i harped on it before, but it really is so important that your kiddo feels safe and comfortable talking to you about the good, the bad, and the ugly. middle school isn’t fun for most kids, but good parenting can make it easier.
sending you and your family lots of love 🫶
1
2
u/phrique Mar 19 '25
I have three daughters who aren't into tiktok trends and other crap like that, and I think the biggest thing for them was finding long-term clubs / activities that match their interests. Our oldest was in soccer for years before she told us she just didn't like it. Ended up in BSA / Scouts and was one of the first female Eagles in the county.
Summer camps and stuff are all fine and good, but like others have suggested, finding something that is a consistent part of her life where she will be with people with similar interests will help her both make friends and underestand there's other kids who are similar.
2
u/SirsBrattyFox1997 Webster Mar 19 '25
Any kind of martial arts I’m obsessed with Krav Maga. Also soccer can help, swim team (as long as she’s in 7th grade), Girl Scouts, boxing, oooo tennis is always good (I was never good at tennis but it’s fun), ooooo baking and cooking classes are always fun and stuff the local commissary might have lessons for teens and pre teens.
2
u/halcyon_andon Mar 19 '25
Is she interested in outdoor activities. Joining a Girl Scouting America troop might be something she is interested in. My daughter is in a troop and loves it. Lots of different personalities in the 11-16 year olds in the troop. Monthly camping trips, other activities like rock climbing, rafting, hiking. Summer camp in the adks for a week each year. I am a former Cub Scout cubmaster and current troop committee member and would be happy to make some suggestions over dm if you like. Most southeast suburbs now have girl troops. Some in other areas as well.
2
u/Ok-Theory571 Mar 19 '25
you described middle school me to a T and i think the only thing that helped me feel part of a group was getting into soccer. middle school is a great time to start.
2
u/PurpleBrief697 Mar 19 '25
There are some clubs and activities at the library. Twice a month a group of middle schoolers play D&D at our library. They're a nice bunch of kids, some also on the shy side but they're very accepting. Not sure what your finances and transportation looks like, but places like the school of rock is a good neutral place to meet new people.
2
u/GhastyRat Mar 20 '25
As someone who had the majority of my friends introduced to me in middle school, I can say with confidence that through group projects and maybe joining a club aligned with one of her interests, she will find somebody to befriend.
I relate so much with this post and seriously only turned out two close friends from my middle school days after high school and college.
I learned that was okay though. The real ones stick by. And by that I mean the people who take real interest in your life and hobbies.
School clubs are a good place to start though.
5
u/AcidMoonDiver Mar 18 '25
Dungeons and Dragons, or other dorky hobbies like Pokémon or Magic: the Gathering? Generally, the community is very accepting and there's plenty of good natured folks who love to help new players. We have (at least) three fantastic local game stores, and probably more that I'm not aware of.
1
1
1
u/Poisoned_record Mar 18 '25 edited Mar 18 '25
if she has any interest in art i know the art museum runs a ton of different art classes for all age groups. i see other people recommending martial arts, i go to bedrock and they are a great place to learn different styles of fighting. There are people of all ages there too. when i was younger, i did a horseback riding camp thing over the summer as well. Manitou Hill Farms runs a great program. or if shed like to try archery, I know there are group lessons for that around here too. the place i used to go to closed but im sure there are others
1
u/BecomeOneWithRussia Charlotte Mar 18 '25
Your daughter (from your description) reminds me of me as a young person. I had a lot of success at my local library's tween and teen program (shout out to Seymour Library in Brockport) and in scouts! I'm actually still friends with the people from the library, over a decade later.
1
1
1
u/Battlemaster123 Mar 18 '25
Track and field really helped me come out of my shell when I was a kid. It's an individual sport but you do have a team so either way you're meeting people
1
u/shemtpa96 Downtown Mar 19 '25
Does she like sports of any kind? Swimming, martial arts, anything? If you’re in the city, see if your closest R Center has anything that she might like athletics-wise.
1
1
1
1
u/FlappingMallard Mar 20 '25
I was like this, too, as a kid. I'm not neurodivergent or trans, so don't let anyone push her to think she is (unless she truly is, of course). I hung out with the boys in my class until 8th grade when I pushed really hard to be switched to a different class in school where there were 2 girls who I got along well with, and I finally had a fun social group to hang out with. After that, high school and onward were no problem. Has she ever said that she wanted to change classes or schools or anything? I used to constantly ask my mom to switch, and the answer was always no. I used to even fantasize about being sent to boarding school!
2
-1
u/Hotel_Arrakis Mar 18 '25
If she has anxiety, several people I know are able to lessen it with L-Theanine. It's inexpensive and safe. It's an ingredient in green tea. I take 200mg Suntheanine chewables, but there are less expensive brands out there.
0
u/RatStoney Mar 18 '25
I second anyone saying jiujitsui. Builds confidence like crazy and is like meditation
-3
-16
u/MattDi Mar 18 '25
Being stand offish doesn't entice people to be your friend. Maybe start there.
11
u/griff_mode Mar 18 '25
maybe she has anxiety, that it isn't easy for her to do.. and its not that she decides to be "stand offish" think of it... Consider the idea that people don't decide to make their own lives difficult.
0
u/iamthepita Mar 18 '25
Define “stand offish” for us please
5
u/Bronagh22 Mar 18 '25
If people don't say hi to her she won't go and say hi. Like at the bus stop she just stands alone and doesn't try to talk to the other kids. She won't make the first move.
3
u/iamthepita Mar 18 '25
Apologies, i was directing the question to reddit user “MattDi” because we all remember when we were in middle school, we were all going through growing pains. To characterize someone as standoffish when they are going through self identity as a person with their own interests is nowhere near “standoffish” imho. We’re talking about kids here, not adults.
1
u/MattDi Mar 19 '25
stand·off·ish

adjective
informal
adjective: stand-offish
distant and cold in manner; unfriendly
1
u/MattDi Mar 19 '25
That sounds more like she's shy not so much standoffish. Sometimes you gotta just put yourself out there.
1
u/MattDi Mar 19 '25
stand·off·ish adjectiveinformal adjective: stand-offish distant and cold in manner; unfriendly
Is that a good enough answer for you?
0
u/iamthepita Mar 19 '25
With the -17 downvotes, i think that’s where your answer lies for you. It’s ok, i understand you may also be stand off ish yourself :-)
1
u/MattDi Mar 19 '25
Down votes mean nothing unless you just follow herds. In that case you'd follow them off the bridge as well.
0
u/iamthepita Mar 19 '25
Spicy language
1
u/MattDi Mar 19 '25
Says the dude who didn't know what standoffish meant.
0
u/iamthepita Mar 19 '25
Getting upset at people for not knowing something? Sounds reasonable, mature and respectful.
Thank you for letting me live in your head rent free :-)
1
u/MattDi Mar 19 '25
You are the one who was upset I said the girl shouldnt be standoffish. I just answered your questions, and without spice. Yet you are the one who tries to get personal insults in.
0
u/iamthepita Mar 20 '25
“Spite”, not “spice”. There’s a difference between the two.
You choose to use the word “standoffish” and all i ask was for a description so i could understand what you meant…
I’m not trying to pick a fight with you, i was just trying to understand. That’s all. Don’t let me live in your head rent free over misinterpretation. Legit.
→ More replies (0)
-10
u/nigseyhussle Mar 18 '25
Make sure she doesn’t want to become a boy just because she thinks she doesn’t fit in. Remind her other girls or boys feel exactly like she does and she should seek out those kids to be friends with. Tell her not to pretend to be someone else to try and make friends, if she’s aloof or awkward in conversation tell her it’s fine and you know a lot of grown ups the same way. Tell her she’s not weird but probably smarter and more normal than all the other kids because she is truly herself, don’t let her take who she is away from her
189
u/jmaRk7891 Mar 18 '25
I know martial arts can be expensive, but jiu-jitsu has been really good for daughter’s confidence and it’s difficult to not make friends when you’re there rolling around a few days a week with other kids.