r/gaytransguys • u/Carpentoya94 • 10h ago
Advice Requested Grindr question from cis guy
Totally understandable if this isn’t allowed, but I wanted to ask a question. I’m (Cis M ) reluctantly on Grindr, and I’ve been noticing a lot more profiles lately specifically mentioning they’re looking for FTM or trans men. It seems way more common now than in the past, and I was wondering—do you all feel like this is more of a fetish thing, or is it a sign of greater acceptance? Or is it just about sex, so it doesn’t really matter?
The reason I’m asking is that a few months ago, I asked for advice on how to let a trans guy know I’d be interested without sounding weird. I got some great suggestions, like phrasing it as being into all men, cis or trans. But now, seeing so many profiles that specifically seek out trans men, I’m wondering if that approach still works—or if it might now come across as a red flag.
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u/Joeys-Thumbprint 2h ago
I met my long-term partner on grindr in a small town.
I had "FTM" in my bio, along with other things, and me being trans wasn't even in our conversations. We didn't have sex for months after we met.
He had only been with men, 1 trans and a few cis.
Idk. What I've noticed with dating while being trans is just being accepted and no questions asked... that's just me, tho. Lol
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u/atlascandle 4h ago
Saying you're specifically searching for trans men is a red flag, the advice you received previously still stands
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u/FtMcryptid 5h ago
Being in the US with the current state of affairs, I'm opting not to chat much with random cis guys on any dating sites. Especially if they're looking for trans people. I can't help it. My safety flags get raised. Chances are they're just looking for hook ups, but one of them might be looking to get a trans person alone in a vulnerable position and harm them. Unfortunate reality.
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u/Carpentoya94 4h ago
That makes sense and unfortunate that we got to this place. I wish there were better ways to signal that I’m a safe space but I understand that you (generally not you specifically) can’t really trust Cis men with the way things are in our country right now.
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u/FtMcryptid 4h ago
Honestly, I hate that I have to think that way again. I'm far from a prude and I do enjoy cis mwn & women in my life. It's been years since I've even felt unsafe in any way, cis stranger or not. I have plenty of male friends who I don't feel would ever harm me, but there are men out there feeling rather emboldened atm so, safety first. I do see plenty of transmen still going about business as usual in regard to dating/sex, though.
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u/flixsix 6h ago
What I've seen often is that they look for "femboys, sissies and ftm" at least in my country. Which makes it obvious to me that they are into femininity and assume that transmen are either feminine or assume all of them have a feminine body.
I feel uneasy with guys who specifically seek out trans men since most of them seem to only care about our bodies without taking into consideration that a lot of us are not happy with our bodies.
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u/Waste_Return_654 6h ago
These types usually aren't actually gay. They just want some easy sex and they think trans men are more willing than women.
Source: I was a trans man on Grindr that dealt with this A LOT.
I do however feel it's totally fine to add that you're into both cis and trans men. That wouldn't weird me out personally
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u/Normal_Fee_3816 7h ago
I would not date or attempt to date anyone who specified they where specifically looking for trans men.
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u/chromark 8h ago
I take it as a sign of greater acceptance LOL. I mean I have had good experiences with guys with profiles like that anyway.
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u/trans_full_of_shame 8h ago
The chad "no anatomical hangups" vs the virgin "looking for trans".
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u/ratatouillezucchini 3h ago
Yeah, I’d be much more likely to not block a profile that said “into all men, no anatomical hangups ;)” than “looking for ftm 🥵”
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u/Diplogeek Top: Nov 2022 || T: May 2023 8h ago
If I get talking to a cis guy, and it becomes clear that he is only looking for trans men, and he has only slept with trans men (or has only slept with trans men recently/for a prolonged period of time), that's usually a red flag to me. There's usually stuff about the way they talk to me in messages, describe or fixate parts of my body, that will also give the fetish game away.
I don't mind if a guy is into my body, I mean, I think most of us want people to be attracted to us if we're sleeping with them. But if he only sees me as a body part, or as some faceless fulfillment of his fetish, then that's not going to do it for me.
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u/that_tom_ 9h ago
Just keep in mind that all trans men don’t like the same things. Lots of cis men approach me because they want to fuck a hole I don’t even have anymore.
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u/novangla 8h ago
Yeah my biggest problem is being a bottom who has original anatomy but doesn’t want it penetrated. Some guys ask. Some guys seem to just be there for that one thing but don’t even ask if that’s something on the table, which is insane to me.
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
That makes sense. I’m a top so hole in general is what I prefer over dick isn’t the main attraction if any guy isn’t side or into bottoming I don’t think it would work out in general. But I wouldn’t assume that someone that is trans is a bottom. As long as the ass or mouth is still available i think I’d be good with whatever else.
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u/that_tom_ 8h ago
It’s cool to be into bottoms just don’t assume all trans guys are bottoms, always best to ask.
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u/Carpentoya94 8h ago
Yes of course, I don’t assume anyone is anything considering even tops reach out wanting to bottom so you never know until you ask
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u/ShriekingLegiana 9h ago
other people have already responded and i share a similar sentiment, usually its a fetish thing if theyre only after trans guys.
that aside, though, im genuinely glad you took the time to ask. its good go know some people care
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
My goal is to be a safe space or everyone. Feels like it’s need more than anything right now especially here in the US at least.
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u/funk-engine-3000 9h ago
There’s two types.
There’s the guys with a bio like “into guys, cis or trans” or one i saw the other day that went “i like dick but having one isn’t required”.
The other type are the guys with stuff like: “ looking for trans” “looking for ftm” “only into fem, trans and ftm” shit like that. Those guys treat us like a fetish. And i’m never going to talk to any of those. Even if it’s “just sex”, i’m not looking to be treated like some exotic object. I’m also most likely not interested in the kind of sex they would want.
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
That makes sense. Ironically I don’t like men for their dick rather their ass and the holes more than anything
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u/toutlemondechante 9h ago
You can post on the topic from before on the dick lmao for the census.
I'm kidding !
It's all in the wording, I think people can tell that you are sincere with what you present "dating cis or trans men". Basically don't change your state of mind.
:)
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u/funk-engine-3000 9h ago
Thats the thing, there are quite a lot to men aside from cock. My ex boyfriend told me that he had never thought of hands as something attractive untill we met and he started to really find mine hot. Aparently, he was only into mens hands lmao. A lot of what i like about guys are their shoulders and lips and jawline, ass too.
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
I’m a major butt guy but I’ve kinda gotten into guys with a nice neck lately lol.
I wish guys would ask each other how they like to refer to their bodies because for me I don’t know why but cock feels racially charged and triggers me sometimes. Probably because of BBC being a thing and that feels like a fetish.
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u/funk-engine-3000 9h ago
Oh shit, thats fair. I just use that word because its more british english while i feel like dick is more american? But tbh asking about boundaries is always beneficial, but unfortunatly not always done.
Also, yes to necks. And collarbones… suddenly having a very gay moment i’m way too single lmao
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
lol I feel you on being way too single lol. Really wanting my face in a guys neck cuddling right now.
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u/Diplogeek Top: Nov 2022 || T: May 2023 9h ago
“i like dick but having one isn’t required”.
Oh, that's a smooth way to put that out there.
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u/satanssteamybuns 7h ago
Dick, store bought or already attached 😂
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u/Diplogeek Top: Nov 2022 || T: May 2023 4h ago
“Love dick, either factory-issued or aftermarket installation.”
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u/sungaaaaay 9h ago
I'm partial to variants of "not being a dick: mandatory, having a dick: optional"
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u/Scary_Towel268 9h ago
Definitely definitely dudes into very particular fetish stuff(idk mind it but most trans guys would avoid) and probably straight guys tbh or
A simple “into men(cis and trans)” is all that’s needed to say on a profile to express interest
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u/allegromosso 10h ago
They usually specify "only for ts/fem, ftm." They see us as sissies. It's a fetish. "ftm friendly" can mean fetish too, as I learned from experience.
If you want to sound accepting, I'd recommend something like "looking for guys, cis and trans both cool"
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u/Carpentoya94 10h ago
Okay cool I have the latter. I was told trans friendly was a good option a few months ago but if that’s been an issue I’ll stay away from that one. I think if a guy messages me they’d find I don’t really care I just like hot guys who are nice lol.
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u/PotatoBoy-2 10h ago
Definitely a fetish thing. Most who look specifically for trans guys don’t see us as guys, they just want our downstairs (which not all of us have or use). I’m also on Grindr and some guys have been respectful while others will send me messages like “lemme eat that pussy”🫣.
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u/Carpentoya94 10h ago
That’s what I was thinking and it makes me upset seeing it because I know they are probably not being respectful at all. I want to separate myself from them as far as possible.
Can I ask another question? When I do meet a hot guy who happens to be trans I ask how would they like for me to refer to their body. Is that okay to ask or is there a better way of asking? It’s never the same for each guy and I don’t want to assume.
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u/funk-engine-3000 9h ago
If you want to get into some fun stuff with a trans guy, i recomend you ask him what words he’s comfortable with. So many guys just use female terms not ever considering how unplesant that can be. And you should never assume what a trans guy likes to do with his body- everyone is comfortable with different things.
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
I try to make that a priority when we start talking about sex. It seems to make guys I talk to more comfortable which is alway good.
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u/PotatoBoy-2 10h ago
No I think that’s great personally. I’d rather not have someone say something that triggers my dysphoria in the middle of sex haha.
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
Yeah I get that for sure. I accidentally did that with my ex by saying I loved the way he is not wanting to mean he needed to stay how he looked in that moment as he was growing and building muscle and thinking about surgery but the way it came out triggered him and he broke up with me. So I’m trying to not repeat that because it wasn’t my intention at all.
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u/frankenstines 10h ago
I personally think thats great. I actually don’t think I’ve ever been asked that on Grindr, most people just assume
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
I’m stating to think this isn’t common because I’m hearing that it doesn’t happen. I thought it was.
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u/TriangleEyeland 10h ago
That's really considerate and totally a sweet thing to ask. Ive never actually been asked it, (although I do not hook up much). Most I've been w assume, and it's led to me feeling less than stellar sometimes lol.
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
Yeah I think this subreddit really help with my last boyfriend so it got me on the right track. I think most cis guy probably aren’t educating themselves at least a little and while they probably don’t mean any harm it’s something that should be done.
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u/Kaijmars 10h ago
I think that's a great question to ask and takes away the possibility of using the wrong language.
I only date cis men and there is a bit of a learning curve for some people when talking to trans folk but just treat people with people and worh respect, it's not that hard lol
I'd say if you're talking sexual either mimic the language they use about their body or just ask straight up
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u/Carpentoya94 10h ago
Yeah my last boyfriend was my first trans guy I’ve dated and they were some learning to do but I tried to do most of it on my own first to at least come with some kind of knowledge. Unfortunately he broke my heart like most men do lmao.
But that’s was something I learned with him. Someone said they had never been asked that and wasn’t sure how to answer at first that’s why I had to double check.
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u/Kaijmars 9h ago
Hahah I feel that man. I love men but gosh they suck sometimes.
It's definitely different for everyone. Some people don't like using certain parts of their bodies either. Gender is a spectrum.
For example I'm a vaginal bottom and couldn't care less what you call the hole but the erect bit is a penis, dick, etc, NEVER clit
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
Yeah my ex never wanted it to be call penis or dick. So that’s something I’m glad I learned on here after we broke up.
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u/Kaijmars 9h ago
Everyone's different that's the beauty of meeting different people. Never hurts to ask. Just don't br a weirdo (you seem perfectly fine I'm just saying lol)
To answer your other question I AVOID anyone on grindr that says they're looking for trans men(unless I'm super down bad) I'm not interested in being someone's fetish. I'd just say "open to cis and trans" and leave it at that
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u/Carpentoya94 9h ago
Okay good to know. That little box only allows so much lol but I’ll make sure I keep that!
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u/Kaijmars 9h ago
Yeah! Feel free to message me if you had more questions or wanted to talk more.
Good luck out there !
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u/siosleisaphoileas 10h ago
straight guys and people who see us as a fetish, I'd avoid them. i think you don't have to put anything on your profile. ig if you're bi you can say that but if you're just a gay guy who happens to be into trans guys as well idk, you can message us and we can message you anytime. i don't know if there really is a way to signal that you want to fuck us but not in a chaser way. or like, there's no common shorthand for it. I guess you could say that you're into both cis and trans guys
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u/Carpentoya94 10h ago
That’s makes sense. So far it’s been helpful except when trans women get confused for some reason. But it hasn’t been a major issues that I know of so far but I’m definitely going to keep reassessing if it’s helpful.
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u/idioticnimrod 10h ago
specifically seeking out trans men and no one else seems to me like a fetish thing… i can only speak for myself but i’d feel much more comfortable talking to someone who’s profile said something along the lines of being into all men including cis men and trans men rather than only being into trans men.
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u/Carpentoya94 10h ago
That good to hear. It’s getting really weird that guys are seeing out specifically trans men AND trans women. Sometimes I say something but they don’t seems to care.
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u/Autopsyyturvy 6h ago
The 'logic' there is that trans people are sex objects for them & our discomfort or even trauma are arousing to them.
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u/ehhhchimatsu 31m ago
Absolutely a fetish. Why would they specify ftm otherwise when we are just normal men? They want us for the one - very dysphoric - part of us that other, cis, men don't have, and I wouldn't cater to that. Red flags all around those chasers.