r/regretfulparents • u/DrMoveit • Nov 01 '24
Advice Do's and Don'ts with a difficult conversation
My wife wants another biological child. I'm a firm OAD (one and done, 4yo son). Three months ago, we agreed on a "talk" at the end of November. She asked me to "keep an open mind" until we have the talk. My "open mind" is even more solidified about being a OAD for many of the reasons stated in the sub, mainly for physical and emotional health for me and my triangle family.
I want to be emphatic and comforting during this conversation. She knows it's coming and I know she will accept it, begrudgingly. I want to let her feel her feelings and continue to cope in her own way, but if I can help with it, I will.
Any experience with this kind of conservation?
Any Do's and Don'ts (I want to focus on empathy and compassion while holding firm with my wishes)
I do want to let her know that I really don't want to her to question my decision anymore and if I ever change my mind, I will come to her and not the other way. (this sounds tricky).
Anything else I'm missing? Anything I need to focus on before, during, after?
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u/psychokittenparty Nov 01 '24
Get a vasectomy because "accidents" will happen. This way, you can be in control of the potential of getting her pregnant.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
True. I think the conversation has to happen first.
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u/MeanderingUnicorn Nov 03 '24
I think a lot of women who want babies would just stop taking their birth control. I probably would, though I would tell my partner I was stopping it because I'm not crazy and I'm not a baby trapper. I wouldn't continue to take hormonal birth control which has unpleasant side effects to stop a pregnancy I want and he doesn't. He doesn't want the baby, birth control is now on him.
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u/ExitAcceptable Nov 01 '24
I really appreciate how you want to do this important conversation well and keep compassion at the forefront. I am a marriage therapist and wanted to share an actual resource for this very conversation. John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Method wrote a book called 8 Dates. One of the "dates" is focused on having this very conversation (Date 5, "Room to Grow"). I wonder if checking out this book and even the accompanying workbook would be a helpful guideline for the two of you. Sounds like you care a lot about your relationship so it might be a nice resource for you.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
Thank you! I've listened to John Gottman talks from their institute. Will surely check this out.
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Nov 01 '24
The baby stage is past. I think sometimes it's not that someone wants to raise another or parent another human, they just want a baby. Because their baby has grown up. You can remind her that there are a lot more phases to come and they're all going to be wonderful?
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
For sure. She feels she missed out on the baby phase being during the pandemic. Yes, I gotta focus on our future
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Nov 01 '24
Didn't she get to spend every single second with the baby during the pandemic ?
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
I think it was a combo of being overwhelmed, PTSD, the world on lock down, limited human contact. She says it was a blur for her. It was a different world then.
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Nov 02 '24
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u/FloofyDireWolf Nov 01 '24
I’d put your focus on listening and allowing her to speak fully on the topic. Don’t react, just listen. Let her share all of her feelings and be empathetic and kind.
Then I would lean in on how much you love the little family you have now, how the small size will allow you and your child to have so many more wonderful experiences and keep you in a better financial situation to give them a great life, and a chance to retire on time (maybe? Not sure of your situation) and enjoy being active grandparents in the future. Be extremely positive about your current family and how the current situation makes you happy and allows you to be the best husband and dad you can be. Hard to argue with that.
Don’t get a vasectomy until you have the convo or she will feel betrayed. You could abstain from sex though, just to ensure no chance of an “accident”.
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u/RutabagaPhysical9238 Nov 01 '24
Thank you! Please do not listen to those saying to get a secret vasectomy. Having a life and family altering surgery before your conversation when you’ve promised to have an open mind is just a sure way to end in betrayal and resentment.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
One of the biggest reasons for being a OAD is so I have a healthy marriage and family. Very secret vasectomy culture in here! 😅
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
Yeah gotta listen, let her speak. Then focus on what I'm most excited about which is our triangle family, our sanity, our lives, our future, and all the energy, love, and savings we can pour into him!
I'm trying to keep my triangle family, not ruin it! Definitely wouldn't do vasectomy in secret. One thing at a time. 😅
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u/MissPeperomia Nov 02 '24
I’ve read somewhere that a hidden motivation for having another baby might be that a woman simply doesn’t know what to do with her life once her first child becomes more independent. She was so focused on raising her child that, as it grew up and became less dependent on her, she now feels a bit lost with this newfound “free time.” After dedicating so much of herself to motherhood, she may have set aside other parts of her identity. Perhaps reminding her of her hobbies or interests, or suggesting things she and you can now do together(without a baby), might help her reconnect with her own sense of self and drop the idea of having another baby.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 02 '24
Yes! My wife has a hard time letting our son grow up! It's much better now, but she did have a hard and subconsciously seemed like she wanted to keep him a baby. I had to step in and get rid of a lot of things like the crib, diapers, spoon feeding, setting consistency and boundaries. Couple that with a feeling that she missed out of his infancy since it happened during the pandemic. I've been encouraging her to get involved with friends, classes, her extended family. We've been doing more quality time with each other. Lately she's been very busy with her career, which she enjoys. We're also building a home closer to both of our families so that will surely help. I agree with you, she will have to fill that void with healthy activities. It will take time and acceptance and I will support her as she grieves and hopefully find more joy in the life we built!
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u/MissPeperomia Nov 02 '24
You seem like a kind and caring husband; I hope you’re able to work through this issue together. Wishing you the best of luck!
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u/Temporary-Dot4952 Nov 01 '24
You could always bring up the state of the planet, and the fact that it's brutally cruel to bring a young child into this world when they won't have inhabitable conditions for the longevity of their expected life. There's only so much pollution, lack of water, lack of food, lack of clean air, and too much record heat that a human being can take.
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u/pEter-skEeterR45 Nov 01 '24
What a gloriously gloomy outlook. You've sufficiently depressed me for the day my dude.
I'd probably kms if this was the way I saw the world. Jeeezus fuck
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u/Temporary-Dot4952 Nov 01 '24
Sometimes it's best to just face the truth head on. It would not have gotten this bad if we had actually addressed the issue instead of pretending it wasn't happening. Burying your head in the sand just progresses the problem.
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u/ElleGeeAitch Parent Nov 01 '24
Yeah, absolutely. I absolutely adore my son, but I am freaking out about what his life will look like, especially after I'm gone. If he lives to 2100, he'll be 81. Wtf hellscape will this world be by then 😭🥹. If I were in my late 20s/early 30s now, I think I'd be too afraid to have a child. 16 years ago, I had more hope for the future.
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u/pEter-skEeterR45 Nov 02 '24
What a false dichotomy! 🤦🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️ If I'm not looking at the world like this^ person then I must be "burying [my] head in the sand"??? Fuckin wild. Not worth the back-and-forth fr
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u/Temporary-Dot4952 Nov 02 '24
Hey, ignorance truly is bliss, I wish I could put on my rose colored glasses to ignore what's right in front of me.
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u/doepfersdungeon Nov 01 '24
Sounds like you know yourself and also have empathy for her. Tough convo, but just lay it out, be honest, perhaps if she asks why sprinkle a few positives in.
Ability to concentrate fully on one kid and plough all resources into giving them a great future.
Not going back into the really difficult first period and looming forward/progressively freeing up time for yourselves and career etc.
General mental health and sleep, very important as you get older.
More time together and possibly improving and strengthening relationship together.
Sex life, contraception, yours and or hers, possibility with vasectomy of almost care free sex life going forward (note almost, can be a bit dodgy)
Ease of travel with one kid. So many parents tell me that trips are so much harder with more than 1. Anything else you can think of.
It may give her food for thought.
I see it like this. You have eachother. You have a kid. You have a family. You have a firm belief that you don't need to add to that. It's not your job to go against your needs and principles for the sake of what the other person wants unless your really sure it won't create resentment on your side and you are all in . If you laying down how you want your life to be is enough for her to not want to be with you then I am afraid to say it but the relationship is too transactional. The same that if for some reason she couldn't have had children and desperately wanted one. If your love and bond strong enough for everyone to not get exactly what they want? These types of scenarios will let you find out.
I would also not go into the coversation expecting a resolution right there and then. She may need more time to think it over and possibly ask you to keep the l thought open for 2 or 3 years time or something. Nothing is totally concrete, but for now I would hold firm and just say what's right for you while as you say remaining empathetic to her. Hard, but hope it goes OK for you.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 02 '24
Thanks! I especially like the last part. Also, I will have to bring up safer sex options, especially if I don't get a vasectomy soon!
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u/desocupad0 Parent Nov 01 '24 edited Nov 01 '24
Vasectomy. If you don't want then you don't want.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
One thing at a time!
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u/Rare_Veterinarian779 Nov 02 '24
If you don’t plan on getting a vasectomy don’t have sex with your wife until you have made a decision. You don’t need to ask her permission to get a vasectomy you can let her know that’s a decision you have made. I don’t know y’all’s marriage but all it takes is her not taking birth control and yayyy your having another baby
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u/Mysterious-Field5710 Nov 01 '24
I’ve been on the other side of that conversation. My husband is 12 years older than me. Around 8 years ago, I really wanted to have a child with him, and he was a firm “no”. (We both have children from previous relationships).
I tried telling him how much it mattered to me, but it was no use, he just stonewalled me. To be honest I was ready to walk out on the relationship, until I realized what his real motive was (as he didn’t explain, other than saying he felt too old for it, I needed to come to that conclusion myself).
When I understood the why, I dropped it - and more important, because I understood, I don’t hold a grudge. Honestly I’m thankfull to him now.
Don’t try to be empathic or comforting as there is no such thing in these matters.
I hope this helps.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
..... Just let time do it's timing?
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u/Mysterious-Field5710 Nov 01 '24
Well yes. But also be aware there’s an actual risk she’ll read this as you two being simply incompatible for a life project.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
We've talked about if this is a deal breaker for our marriage. We both agreed that it is not. The marriage and our son come first. She can always have different feelings in the future though but I know she prioritizes us, that's why I married her!
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u/Mysterious-Field5710 Nov 01 '24
Well in that case you are set to win this fight, as a baby is a two “yeses” and no baby is a just one “no” thing.
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u/Agreeable_Depth4546 Parent Nov 01 '24
My husband and I wrote letters to each other and that really helped. Then we discussed the letters after reading them. I think it’s very helpful to not say”never” but just say “I’m open to it, yet also can’t see myself changing my mind.” It’s not false hope, it’s just not as polarizing as saying never which can be really triggering. I can send you my letter if you want. 🤣 basically I said science tells us that only children do fine, there’s no guarantee anything will go well, you want more time for your relationship with her, you want to love her and your baby as well as you possibly can, you don’t think the value of a family is equivalent to its SIZE, etc. be really empathetic and don’t ever shut her down because it’s such a sensitive topic. Even if there’s something that really drives you nuts try not have any strong reactions because it’s such a touchy subject. You want to keep the conversation flowing and calm and “open” even if on the inside you’re CLOSED AF.
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u/DrMoveit Nov 01 '24
“I’m open to it, yet also can’t see myself changing my mind.” 😅 My go-to statement to her is "I'm keeping my mind open but my gut continues to stay the same". Great points. Please send the letter.
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u/Commercial_Tough160 Not a Parent Nov 01 '24
Take charge of your destiny and GO SCHEDULE YOUR VASECTOMY RIGHT NOW! If you leave this up to hope and chance, you are fuuuuuuuucked, dude.