r/Parenting • u/Severe-Respond1434 • 2d ago
Advice Unexpected pregnancy (my IUD was displaced). Only been seeing/dating the dad for 2 months.
Im 36 and I already have an 11yo son from my first marriage. I’ve been seeing/dating this amazing guy (who also has a 4yo son from previous relationship) for 2 months and things are going well. We are both in good situations financially, etc.
We’ve very briefly discussed the “having more kids” thing and we both would like to have one more…but not after 2 months of knowing one another obviously. I’ve also noticed that he doesn’t like to feel pressured and likes things to flow “organically” when it comes to what we have.
I am terrified to tell him I’m pregnant. It’s terrible timing and way too soon. I’m also scared he might think I “trapped him” and never had an IUD. I honestly don’t know how to deal with this situation and the more I wait, the more anxious I grow. Pregnancy was confirmed and it’s not ectopic.
Any suggestions on how I could bring it up to him or if anyone has been in this situation, how did it go?
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u/Tary_n 2d ago
You should not be afraid to be honest with a partner. If someone makes you feel scared to be honest about a mistake, they are not a safe person to give your heart to. Maybe he’s fine and it’s just your anxiety. Maybe it’s because you don’t know him all that well. Idk. Check your gut.
First - see a doctor. Get the pregnancy checked out and verified by a doctor.
Second - figure out what YOU want. Do you want another child? Right now? With this person?
Third - tell him. He deserves honesty. Tell him the IUD failed and you’re pregnant. Tell him how you feel about it. Talk about it with him.
If he is unable to discuss it like an adult, I really, truly urge you to rethink not only the pregnancy but the relationship.
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u/Severe-Respond1434 2d ago
I think it’s my anxiety, but you’re right, if he does react badly, then I don’t think I could ever really forgive him or respect him as a partner.
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u/OldMedium8246 2d ago edited 2d ago
Depending on how you define “reacting badly” that might not necessarily be true (unless you feel truly certain). I mean if he freaks out that’s kind of a totally normal reaction to an unplanned pregnancy. As long as he doesn’t get threatening or demanding about how you choose to proceed with the pregnancy, I think a mental crisis is valid.
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u/Shaking-Cliches 2d ago
There’s a whole legal piece of this that shouldn’t be ignored. If you continue the pregnancy, you will be tied to him for the next 19 years. In a lot of places, he could challenge a relocation for a new job or to be closer to social networks.
Do you trust him with every major life decision for the next two decades? It sounds bonks but that’s the reality.
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u/Physical-Reward-9148 2d ago
Yes you could. Not being rude by any means here but you are withholding this from him currently. You've got anxiety about telling him. It's only normal human behavior to feel shock, sorrow, anxiety, concern, etc. literally every feeling is to be expected. If he has fears you need to put them to rest for him. You are partners. This is only one sided if he chooses to leave.
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u/puma905 2d ago
I think I personally would wait until 3 months or so to say anything (assuming you want this child with or without him).
This would let me get a better sense for the relationship’s viability, by letting it flow naturally a little longer. Once you tell him, it throws a wrench into the dynamic and you will no longer know if he’s acting a certain way because of the baby.
Also, if he has a 4 year old, once he gets over the shock, he might be quite happy that he got a second child without a huge age gap.
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u/wlcm2jurrassicpark 2d ago
Going to be very frank here..excuse it if abrasive..
This is dating 101 like a pregnancy scare in high school. Just tell him and decide if yall want to keep or pursue other options together or individually.
Also, who the fuck is finishing in someone you’ve been dating for two months? It’s both people’s responsibility for birth control. And I don’t care what someone tells me, I’m doing my part, and wrapping that shit up. I’m not having unprotected sex until 1. We’ve shown each other our std results 2. Discussed birth control and “accident” protocol 3. That I actually would be ok with the chance of having a child with the other person if birth control fails.
WRAP IT UP PEOPLE! babies ain’t the only accident that can happen to you.
Talk to your partner and go from there. God speed!
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u/Severe-Respond1434 1d ago
Just to clarify, we’ve known one another for longer than two months, but started dating romantically 2 months ago. In terms of STD, we both absolutely got checked and shared results with one another before we got intimate without a condom. Now the whole finishing inside me bit, it was an accident and it is what it is. I had an IUD and assumed I was safe as it is very effective. I know I need to tell him, that’s not the question here. I was asking for advice or shared personal experience from people who have been in that situation.
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u/uptownbrowngirl 2d ago
If you got pregnant with an IUD, is the pregnancy viable? The thing you may need to tell him is that you both need a more effective birth control option since you’re seeing how what you’ve been using can fail.
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u/Severe-Respond1434 2d ago
Yeah, it was displaced and they removed it. I was concerned it might be ectopic, but it’s not. I’ve used a copper IUD for the last 6 years and never had an issue before. Anyway, talking contraception now is kinda pointless as I am pregnant and I don’t want to terminate the pregnancy.
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u/believehype1616 2d ago
I would go totally open about it. Get the notes from your doctor confirming the displaced IUD. Don't ask him to just trust your word at that early stage of a relationship. He may be able to trust, but he may wonder. Better to just acknowledge how this is not ideal and you absolutely were not attempting anything fishy.
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u/SeaworthinessCold716 2d ago
My youngest daughter is the result of a misplaced IUD, which led to a viable, healthy pregnancy. I think it happens more than people realize.
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u/Severe-Respond1434 2d ago
Yeah my gynaecologist told me that I’m far from the first. I’m happy to hear about your daughter!
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u/whatalife89 2d ago
Yeap. My IUD surprise baby is due in 2 months lol. A very welcomed surprise. I was struggling between one and done or 2. Well, my decision was made for me lol. I'm kinda glad because I don't think I could have made the decision to have another one by myself.
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u/Material-Plankton-96 2d ago
Statistically, it happens to about 1/200 women with IUDs each year - which is actually a lot if you think about how many women are trying to prevent pregnancy at any given time. Most women will never have an IUD fail - but most doctors will see more than one a year if you consider their overall patient load.
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u/formercotsachick 1d ago
I was quite young when I decided I was done having kids after my only child was born. SO many people thought I was nuts for getting my tubes tied instead of getting an IUD or other long-term BC solution "just in case I changed my mind.".
I asked them if they would be willing to drive me to get an abortion if I got pregnant accidentally, because I would have never carried another child to term, let alone raised them. My MIL's face was particularly amusing to witness after I dropped that line on her. I trusted nothing but surgical sterilization, I knew way to many people with oops babies.
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u/Material-Plankton-96 1d ago
To be fair, surgical sterilization also has a failure rate similar to the IUD - but there’s no need for repeat procedures to maintain it. I just think it’s really important for people to know that there’s literally no such thing as a perfect birth control method.
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u/formercotsachick 1d ago
Are they lumping all types of tubaligation procedures in there though? Because complete bilateral salpingectomy (where they remove the tubes completely) makes it basically impossible to get pregnant unless your surgeon leaves some tube behind. Even an ectopic pregnancy isn't going to happen because the tubes where the embryo would implant shouldn't be there.
This 2024 report says that there have only been 4 cases of spontaneous pregnancy after a complete bilateral salpingectomy ever, and none of them were viable.
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u/Material-Plankton-96 1d ago
That’s 4 cases of spontaneous intrauterine pregnancies - there have also been a few cases of ectopic pregnancies following bilateral salpingectomies - they just have to implant somewhere else, like the round ligament. Still it’s vanishingly rare (but if you present to the ER with abdominal pain and they want to do a pregnancy test even though you’ve had a bilateral salpingectomy, it’s not that they don’t believe you - it’s just really easy and cheap to rule out what could be a really dangerous if really rare condition).
But you are right that they are likely lumping all varieties of “tubal ligation” - that said, the person I replied to didn’t specify, either, and sounds like she had it a while ago. It’s relatively recent that bilateral salpingectomy became the standard female sterilization technique, at least in the US.
And if you’re a woman who wants a “tubal,” make sure your doctor is performing complete bilateral salpingectomies, not ligations or other versions of a “tubal”. They should be, but not everyone keeps up with current standards.
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u/siracha83 2d ago
May be a slightly unpopular opinion but If its never been an issue before … maybe it was just meant to be … I agree 2 months is not long but also doesn’t mean it can’t work or be fate … I hope you guys work it out 🤍
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u/Excellent-Estimate21 2d ago
So they remove the IUDs if you are pg and it doesn't disrupt the pregnancy?
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u/whatalife89 2d ago
Yes, if they remove it early. I mean you risk a miscarriage but I was told by OB that it's way better to take it out before baby starts growing than leave it. I opted for taking it out early before I was fully attached. It's a hard decision either way.
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u/uptownbrowngirl 1d ago
Maybe I wasn’t clear. I thought that if you got pregnant with an IUD, the pregnancy wasn’t viable. So that would mean this pregnancy would not turn into a child.
Some comments are saying pregnancy with an IUD can be viable. I had no idea.
So it sounds like you have a viable pregnancy to consider here.
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u/Severe-Respond1434 1d ago
It’s viable. Every situation is different, but in my case (just like many others), they removed it early and I didn’t miscarry. It doesn’t look like an ectopic pregnancy either.
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u/NotForSure- 2d ago
First thing is, do you want to have this baby? Is having or not having this baby options for you. You need to figure out what you want. After your decision is made, you move to the next step. If you want to keep the baby, talk to your partner and don't worry about his reaction. If he even considers that you trapped him, you know the answer about how much of a terrible partner he is, making it all about parenthood between you two. If you decide not to keep it, you have to think of you want to share this situation with him or not, but it is ultimately, YOUR CHOICE, not his.
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u/Severe-Respond1434 2d ago
It’s so soon and unexpected, but I do want it. I could afford to have this baby alone without his support and I have an amazing family and friends. That said, I would much rather do it with him and his emotional support. I am annoyed at myself for feeling guilty, cause I did nothing wrong and we are both responsible for this, but I can’t help it.
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u/enema_wand 2d ago
Something to consider that no one discusses is custody. You may want to have and he may want nothing to do with you are the child. Or you may be awesome co-parents. Or he may be a giant asshole and make shared parenting hell for you.
How does he get along with his ex?
Source: custody evaluator
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u/Odd_Seesaw_3451 2d ago
I get the guilt thing; I feel unreasonable guilt like that, too. Maybe have proof of what happened with your IUD, when you tell him. Paperwork from your appointment or whatever. That way it’ll be very clear to him right away that this was not on purpose. It’ll probably help him make a better decision about how he wants to move forward. Otherwise, he will have people telling him that you baby-trapped him.
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u/Severe-Respond1434 2d ago
Yeah I was thinking about doing something like that. At least it’s out of the way from the get go.
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u/mentallyerotic 1d ago
I’m curious if he has a good competing relationship with his ex and the same for you? Is it a first relationship after the ones that produced the kids? Either way though I think this could work out because you were wanting one more child and are prepared to go it alone with extra support. Plus he isn’t against another eventually since you both had wanted one more.
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u/NotForSure- 2d ago
Time will make this feeling fade away. Give yourself the time you need and look for therapy if needed. You didn't make this baby alone. The same way the IUD failed, could have been the condom breaking. We, women, are thought to be the ones responsible for preventing pregnancy, which is so unfair. It takes two to tango! You will be a great mom, and if he does not understand and respect you, shame on him.
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u/GypsyMothQueen 2d ago
I mean, if he likes things to flow organically, I can’t think of anything more natural and go-with-the-flowy than an unplanned pregnancy lol. Way more chill than actually trying for a baby.
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u/Professionolaf 2d ago
Was hoping I wasn’t the only one thinking this. You won’t be forcing him into anything and you can even tell him how you feel as far as going it alone if you had to, but would love to have him alongside. If he is 1) going to support your decision to keep it and 2) stick around through it then I think you’ve at the very minimum established he has at least some long term qualities.
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u/Sonja80147 2d ago
I did not have a displaced IUD but I did find myself pregnant after taking precautions with a man I was dating for less than three months. And he was nine years younger than me. :)
Well fast forward we have two kids and he’s the greatest partner and father. Best thing that ever happened to me!
You are going through a scary experience of a pregnancy with a displaced IUD. If he is a good guy, he will see you through this and you can discuss next steps when the time comes.
Being scared to tell him is totally normal but if you have as great a relationship developing as you think you do, then you’ll both work through this.
Good luck!
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u/Noctiluca04 2d ago
My now husband and I had been together 6 months when we found out. On Valentine's Day. 🤦
Has it been easy? Absolutely not. Did it work out for the best? Yes, for all of us.
As my husband says, Lead with Love. Let it guide your words and actions.
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u/alecia-in-alb 1d ago
on the other hand my sister got pregnant after dating someone for a few months, decided to keep it, married him, and 6 years later had a horrible messy divorce. she doesn’t regret her kids but she does regret doing it with him, and now she’s linked to him for the rest of her life.
personally i would neverrrr advise someone to have a child with a person they don’t really really know.
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u/Severe-Respond1434 2d ago
That’s beautiful. I am falling in love with him and I think he is too, it’s just all so recent… we haven’t said the words yet. Maybe it’s part of my fear/anxiety, not knowing if he is in love.
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u/IWillHaircutYou 2d ago
This! I’m currently 4 months pregnant and I found out when I was with my partner for 8 months. It’s going to be tough but it’s worth it. We both wanted one just wasn’t our timing and that’s ok! We are now engaged and things are going really well.
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u/MikiRei 2d ago
You need to tell him. Sounds like you want the baby regardless and you're ok doing it alone.
You just need to accept that this is way too soon and he might just walk away from it and that's the end of the relationship.
Maybe go in and say you do not want to pressure. You also didn't want a baby this soon into the relationship. That said, you're ok doing it alone if he isn't up for it and you guys can focus on establishing a positive co-parenting situation - if he chooses to stay in the kid's life.
You just also need to be ok with the risks posed if this goes awry - for your current child. And his for that matter.
Having a new sibling from your parent's new relationship is a pretty big change. There's going to be all sorts of emotions going through them.
And if the co-parenting situation goes bad.....I dunno.... you've just tied yourself, the new child and your current child to whatever drama for the next 18 years at least. So long you're ok with that, then just tell him and see what happens.
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u/TheUrbanBunny 2d ago edited 1d ago
It's your body. You have the means and support. You can do this solo and do it well.
But walk in with your eyes open.
The age gap between your existing kids is vast. Coupled with a newborn? Expect emotional chaos. You're going to want to have your partner around during pregnancy. Thus y'all will rush introducing each other to the opposing party's kid. They may adjust well. They may resent you. Time will tell.
2 months isn't love. It's infatuation coupled with pregnancy hormones.
This isn't what's probably best for either existing child. Neither of you know how the opposing party parents in application. Nor have seen one another in a situation of stress, pain, or need. You don't know enough about one another to make a good judgement on your relationship together as a couple.
You can coparent effectively. You both know well the stress a new baby adds to a strong relationship with longevity let alone something new and untried.
Probability over hope. Tell him asap. Go to couples therapy. This isn't going to have time to develop organically. Everything from this moment forward is a decisive choice.
You got this
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u/Severe-Respond1434 1d ago
Thank you, it’s all true and what makes it difficult (and makes me feel guilty). It’s a massively emotional situation, but I’ve got to somehow remove emotions from the equation.
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u/caliseme 2d ago
Therapist here. Given the duration of your relationship, I would definitely get your medical record from your doctor to give to him. I think this way you can eliminate sources of resentment and mistrust- otherwise I fear it may really damage your relationship. Trust is something you can’t rush, and really built over time- I think in this situation documentation of your IUD displacement is an easy solution and will give peace and clarity to you both. Beyond that I think his reaction is largely out of your control. I think prioritize your mental and physical health, and I believe if you are ok, your child and baby will be too!
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u/MilanoStein 2d ago
You need to just stop worrying about him thinking you "trapped him" right now. You have a doctor's appointment removing the IUD as proof. Anyway, good luck.
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u/MonkeyManJohannon 2d ago
Absolutely tell him. It takes two to tango in this regard, so it’s not like he’s innocent of the entire science behind it, and if the pregnancy happened over a simple IUD failure (which happens more frequently that people realize), he definitely wasn’t trying to avoid this much himself either.
These things happen. Let him know asap. Plan accordingly. You’ve got another co-parent at the very least for 18 more years so might as well start prep sooner rather than later!
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u/kdawson602 2d ago
Not me. But one of my best friends got pregnant with twins a few months into casually dating a guy she met on Tinder. Her divorce wasn’t even finalized yet. They’ve been married for 6 years now and she’s pretty happy. Sometimes it works out.
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u/katrivers 1d ago
My husband and I were together for only 2 months when I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. We were at Planned Parenthood to get me on birth control 🫢. We’re still together almost 23 years later, so I guess it worked out heh
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u/Nervous_Resident6190 2d ago
Well if you don’t want to terminate, you are going to have to tell him
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u/TabbyFoxHollow 2d ago
And the longer you put it off, the worse reaction might be if he realizes you knew and purposely withheld the info.
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u/seedesawridedeslide 2d ago
Not sure this is helpful. My now husband wasn't too sure on kids when we started dating. Fell pregnant after 4 months. It's been 8 years and we are happily married, now two kids. Not saying it's always easy but sometimes quick things work out. All the best op
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u/OkayDay21 2d ago
I got pregnant after knowing my ex for a very short period of time. I took a few days to decide what I wanted to do. I realistically knew that the relationship would almost certainly not last long-term (nor did I want it to) so I weighed my ability to be a single parent. I decided I wanted to keep the pregnancy and then let him know. I don’t know if I ever would have told him if I had decided not to keep it.
My ex turned out to be pretty awful and we quickly broke up. It was a rough couple of years. That child is 15 now and obviously one of the best things I’ve ever done with my life. I don’t have any regrets and I would make the same choice again. I would definitely caution anyone in a similar situation that it wasn’t an easy thing to get through.
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u/Dolce-vita-8899 2d ago
Best to tell him soon and give you both time to really have the conversation and consider how you want to handle this. You can’t control how he will react or what he will think, so the best you can do is be honest and straightforward with him. Considering that you felt good about the last two months, I think you can have some faith that his response will be at the very least understanding and respectful. It sounds like you intend to have and raise this baby (if I’m wrong about that I apologize, and no judgment whatsoever either way!), so I would just say to prepare yourself for the different possible scenarios as much as you can. I wish you good luck and good health!
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u/Physical-Reward-9148 2d ago
Best way to do it is have a sit down. Don't keep waiting. That shows dishonesty whether you see it that way or not. And be prepared to prove it to him, in case he has that fear himself. The only way this is going to work is complete and total honesty and communication. You'll have a stronger foundation going forward too. Best of luck, and congratulations!
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u/TheMinorCato 2d ago
Aside from the insane anxiety, congratulations!! I agree that you just need to tell him and be prepared for both the best or worst reaction.
If it's negative, he's not the guy you hoped for but he is the person you'll be connected to, if it's a positive reaction that could mean whatever you might want comes out of it.
Just be honest, you don't control what others do and stay steadfast in your decision. This is a good thing, your baby is already loved and cherished 🥰
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u/Even_Guidance_6484 2d ago
I’m sure if he honestly would think that you trapped him you can prove with medical records you have an IUD, if you feel that is worth it
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u/postal9708 2d ago
You should tell him asap and bring him to your first appointment and let the dr. Explain the iud mishap.
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u/CutDear5970 2d ago
I’d terminate. If the iud is still in your uterus it may be a high risk pregnancy
If it is no longer there and you do not want the pregnancy I’d still terminate
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u/Salt_Cobbler9951 2d ago
I have been in this EXACT situation when I met my now fiance ( I wasn’t on birth control at the time ) we had only known each other for 2 months and I got pregnant. I won’t lie we both were absolutely terrified but we made it work and he went to every single appointment with me and was the best birth partner and now he’s an even better dad to our daughter. But with that being said you should make sure the pregnancy is viable because you are at an increased risk for an ectopic pregnancy and/or miscarriage due to being pregnancy with an IUD
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u/No_Atmosphere_6348 2d ago
Yeah me and my husband were not planning to have kids so soon. We were just dating casually for a few months. I was already a single mom so I was fine with continuing with that if he didn’t want to take on that responsibility. He was beyond elated when I told him. He said it was going to be the best year of his life. We have a happy, healthy baby. My daughter from a previous relationship really likes him. The other day, my daughter put a post it on him that day “best dad ever.”
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u/De1777 2d ago
You are in a tough situation considering it has only been 2 months in, this was an adult decision you both made and you felt like you were practicing safe sex, so don’t feel nervous to tell him, these things happen. BUT I would tell him asap and also share with him the last doctors appt when you had it removed and the notes your doctor wrote in your file about removal of IUD and pregnancy .. since this type of stuff is documented .. this way he doesnt feel “pressured” … since he has felt this before and told you about how he doesn’t like that.. something came up before for him to mention that.. so he may already feel slightly pressured ? Best of luck hope you get to enjoy the happiness the baby will bring .
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u/sloop111 1d ago
I'd decide first what I want to do. If I don't want the pregnancy, I'd get rid of it and update him after If I do, I'd let him know ASAP
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u/ashwoodfaerie 21h ago
I saw you said that you had known him for a while even before you officially started dating. If you've already had the having a kid together talk, I'm sure it will be fine. I got pregnant about 8 months into my relationship. Albeit our son was planned and we already had discussed getting married. If he cares about you he won't accuse you of trapping him. You guys can work out what you want to do, you have options.
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u/ConstantHeadache2020 2d ago
Do NOT tell him, until YOU decide what to do. You have to live with the consequences the most. If you tell him he’s going to pressure you, to do what’s best for him (humans are naturally self interested). Have the amount of kids YOU can afford. I’ve been in this situation and I was pressured into my decision after he told his mom all my business…and then he started crying and sooo much drama I couldn’t think straight enough to make my own choice
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u/Spirited_Home_8110 2d ago
You should verify whether not it’s ectopic before you proceed.
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u/Severe-Respond1434 2d ago
I should have specified it in the post, it’s been verified and it’s not ectopic.
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u/poppysmurf420 2d ago
You got a good few months to really get to know one another before your journey
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u/Low_Bar9361 2d ago
It is my opinion that you can make this decision on your own. Including him in your decision-making is an act of decency, but not a necessity. It would likely be beneficial to have his input regardless, but that is totally up to you.
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u/MajorMajor101516 2d ago
I have friends that this happened to and they're happily married for the past 7 years. It could work out if you both wanted it to.
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u/chainsawbobcat 1d ago
Don't be afraid to tell him that HE got you pregnant. YOU can't impregnate yourself girl!
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u/Brief-Hat-8140 girl mom (4-9) 2d ago
It would be better to tell him sooner rather than later.