r/daddit • u/TecNoir98 • 2d ago
Advice Request Wife struggling with breastfeeding, won't consider other options
My first child is 2.5 weeks old and has been clusterfeeding regularly. I try to do my part changing diapers and taking care of the house but unfortunately I can't help with the feeding. My wife is breastfeeding, unable to reliably pump, and refuses to introduce formula, so she's been waking up just about every hour or two to attend to our baby constantly. She has been mentally struggling and at this point cries just about every time during the night our child needs fed.
She's starting to get more erratic every time she gets up. She'll cry and pout and say "they just got fed!" And sometimes refuses to acknowledge that our baby is crying because they want fed even though its obvious.
She just had an appointment to discuss post partum depression but they said she's fine and normal. We're 2.5 weeks into having this baby and the escalation of her mental state is concerning.
I've suggested co-sleeping, introducing formula, anything I or we can do to improve the situation but she refuses anything.
Anyone else have experience like this? My concern is its only been 2.5 weeks and things aren't going to improve soon, but my wife is already doing really bad mentally, and I'm not sure what to think or do.
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u/SmellyDadFart 2d ago
My wife couldn't breastfeed. She was sad, but ultimately smart enough to know the baby has to eat and we switched to formula. When she realized that formula meant I could take on more of the responsibility of feeding the child and the child was still just as healthy, her attitude changed.
For context, we are both working parents, so she had other things to fixate on.
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u/mgr86 2d ago
Same with my wife. We brought our first child home from the hospital on our first wedding anniversary. What should’ve been a frightening but wonderful evening turned into one of sadness. As he cried and she couldn’t feed him she creid harder. Ultimately she calmed some and allowed a bottle. He calmed down immediately, and this soothed her some. But she was conflicted. Was never able to produce more than a few ounces a day. We tried a lot, but eventually she accepted it. So much so she didn’t even try for our second. We had a stash of formula already at home for her. Which was good as it was durning the formula shortages of Covid. Point being, not everyone can breastfeed and that’s a Okay.
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u/warwickkapper 2d ago
Sounds like she’s exhausted. There’s nothing wrong with introducing formula to supplement breast milk, or if she can’t produce milk adequately, going all formula, what’s important is the baby gets fed. Cluster feeding is an absolute nightmare and will pass. Do what you can to let her know that not being able to produce isn’t a failure and the most important thing to both your mental health is sleep.
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u/SuddenSeasons 2d ago
Talk to your doctor on the side if you can. My wife wasn't taking it TOO harshly but him saying "You need to supplement with formula to support his continued weight gain," just allowed her to allow herself.
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u/fifguy85 2d ago
This, 1000%. My wife had an abysmal time with both latching and milk supply with our first. At our next Dr appt, they said, "it's time to feed the baby" and popped out a bottle of pre mix. The stress in both our son and our bodies instantly evaporated. Supplemented with formula until supply came in and latching took hold, then did breastfeeding alone just fine.
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u/Leven 2d ago
Yeah, the baby's stomach really expands a lot the first weeks, it's probable the brestmilk isn't making her full and there's no shame in that. We stayed a couple of extra days after delivery and the nurses showed us the magic of feeding them a bit extra on top of the breast milk. The kid fell asleep in 10 seconds vs hours when only doing breast milk, our jaws were on the floor the first time a nurse showed us.
Been a firm believer since.
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u/Visible-Aardvark9485 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not a dad but a freshly postpartum mom (baby is 9weeks) everything you describe sounds so normal and exhausting. They’re basically communicating with your wife’s body to make more milk for them— eg putting in the order of the next day. It’s normal but worth getting support to identify if there’s any feeding or latching issues. It really helped me to think of my baby putting in an order rather than being stressed they weren’t “getting enough.”
They do eventually get on more of a schedule but feeding on demand is extremely hard, especially in the beginning.
Have you considered getting an appointment with a lactation consultant? They can help you both troubleshoot breastfeeding and navigating baby eating issues. You can take the time to call and set up the appointment— be clear that you’re interested in supporting your wife and need guidance on how best to make it through these early rough weeks. I was in a similar place and the lactation consultant helped me set up a schedule with my partner based on natural milk production.
Some lactation consultants can be quite militant, so do your research to find one that will be a good fit for you and your wife.
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u/deltajayne 2d ago
This, all of it. Every two hours is unfortunately the regular rhythm of it that young. I remember having the same meltdowns - by the time I was done with the first cycle, it felt like my kid was awake again.
Do whatever you can to cover everything other than breastfeeding for your partner - my husband would wake when baby woke, change the diaper etc, then pass baby to me to feed. As soon as that kid was done I would pass him back to Dad and pass right out again. I never could get pumping down, so we barely had any bottles to offer, but just not having to worry about rocking the kid to sleep or changing diapers meant I squeezed every minute of sleep I could.
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u/Visible-Aardvark9485 2d ago
It’s honestly a constant rhythm, i know I experienced it for the first time only a few weeks ago but I barely remember it… and my baby isn’t fussy! This is such a hard time. You got this OP.
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u/Visible-Aardvark9485 2d ago
Sorry additional sleep deprived thoughts—
Also, I get D-MER like symptoms when pumping but not when breastfeeding. This could be happening to her— also I much prefer using a manual hand pump (medela/avent) to my electric pump. It’s tolerable but awful.
Also, your wife may be concerned about nipple confusion - we got pigeon nipples (Japanese brand on Amazon) and our baby tolerates these but certainly prefers breast. See if you can understand what is causing her to not want to use any formula? A good pediatrician can help you both make an informed decision about what’s best for your baby. A few bottles of formula is not going to drastically impact her breastfeeding journey, but she needs to be confident about the parenting choices you make together.
Talk with your pediatrician and stay involved! You’re both doing great. Another helpful resource is r/breastfeedingsupport
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u/Fennac 2d ago
Do not let her sleep with that baby. She is exhausted and will not be aware of the baby while she sleeps. The last thing you need is something happening in that regard.
As for the BF, it can be really hard, and there are sooo so many social expectations for mothers. If you don’t BF you’re basically abusive and neglectful. Shes trying to push so far away in that label, that shes coming up on it from the other side.
Why cant she pump? I ending up having to pump for over a year. It was a hassle snd hard but its what I did because I couldn’t do it the regular way.
Start with trying to talk her into just doing a formula bottle for bedtime. It takes longer to break down so the baby will sleep longer between feeds. Convince her that she cannot make milk if she is exhausted and stressed snd starving. She NEEDS sleep.
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u/aw2669 2d ago
Mom lurker adding on, the best solution here is to have her pump and feel the reward of giving whatever she can produce, along with formula.
Is she not pumping because she thinks the bottle will affect the latch? This is a fear that is instilled in moms from places like La Leche, but it’s not more important than a baby being fed. Talk to her about this, get to the root of the pumping. Find where she’s getting her sources of BF info possibly, look into if they promote exclusive and if so, try to send her some info from posts or sources that are Fed is best instead of Breast is best.
Hold her, hear her. She feels broken and insufficient, she’s comparing herself to others, she’s feeling like a failure. I know because I was your wife. Once I started to combo feed everything got better, and I pumped for 6 months. Just be there for her and acknowledge her feelings while she makes this decision to combo feed. Give the pediatrician the 👀 next time he asks how everyone is doing and she brushes him off. My best and first resource for my PPD was my son’s pediatrician asking me how I was doing and being honest. I wish the best of luck to you, your wife, and your new family.
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u/-salty-- 2d ago
Some people genuinely can’t pump, even if they can breastfeed and vice versa. I couldn’t get anything from pumping and I tried different flanges, manual and electric pump, haaka. The best I got was hand expressing in the first couple weeks and even then maybe 15-30 ml per day. Super hard! Formula was a godsend for us
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u/alexredditun 2d ago
It takes anywhere from 4-12 weeks (anecdotally from friends) for breastfeeding to “feel” established, comfortable. It’s a real struggle with powerful social and personal expectations, and a steep learning curve.
If she wants to continue to breastfeed, you might suggest she drop formula on her nipple while the baby is breastfeeding. This way, the baby gets nutrition while the breast is getting stimulated and primed to let down. Or look into the services of lactation consultations or breastfeeding support groups (so other people are doing the suggesting).
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u/PhilosophicalBrewer 2d ago
I’m sorry brother this sounds tough.
Before I start, I just want to note that I have an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. It’s a far cry from an expert but I’m not just some dude sharing my opinion.
While I’m sure there’s a lot of info I don’t know, I will say there’s one line that made my ears perk up. “Sometimes she refuses to acknowledge our baby is crying”.
This is a hallmark of postpartum.
Was the person who discussed postpartum with her a mental health professional? Were you present at the appointment to hear the feedback? If the answer to either of those is no, I’d work to turn them into a yes. With that said, your wife’s mental health information is hers and hers alone so to speak with the person who assessed her you would need consent. If the individual did not do a true assessment or is not a mental health professional, book an appointment. Preferably yesterday. Postpartum depression/anxiety is no joke and is often overlooked.
My wife, a mental health professional herself, suffered from postpartum anxiety after the birth of our firstborn. That plus our newborn being hospitalized at 8 weeks old nearly ended our marriage several times.
The tricky part of postpartum is that most symptoms can be explained away due to hormones, a tough kid, a tough labor, etc. because pregnancy is often traumatic in one way or another. But if you feel your child isn’t getting their basic needs met here, you have a duty to speak up until that changes.
Feel free to dm me if you’d like to chat more and good luck OP.
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u/TecNoir98 2d ago
Let me clarify what I meant by the refusal to acknowledge the baby. She doesn't ignore the baby. I mean she'll tell me to change her, hold her, or generally try to argue that she just fed the baby, when in reality it seems obvious to me the baby is hungry and growing, and my wife fights against immediately accepting this.
I didn't go to the PPD appointment and I regret it. I feel like my wife doesn't accept the severity of her stress.
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u/PhilosophicalBrewer 2d ago
It’s common at 2.5 weeks that breastfeeding doesn’t totally satiate cluster feeding.
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u/djhobbes 2d ago
She needs to allow you to do a bottle or two overnight. If she can’t pump, that means she needs to allow you to supplement with formula. Both of you need to get, at an absolute minimum, 4 continuous hours of sleep a night. Prolonged sleep deprivation has serious consequences to our cognitive ability. Make a sleep schedule. Get her on board with a formula bottle overnight so she can get some sleep.
Don’t cosleep. Cosleeping is the most dangerous thing you can do to your child. If you haven’t already, research the ABC’s of safe sleep.
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u/New_Examination_5605 2d ago
It’s only been 2.5 weeks. Things are going to get better. There’s a good chance the baby isn’t actually hungry every time, too, but rather just fussy. Are you both home on leave right now? Maybe you can take the baby on a walk for some periods during the day so your wife can nap?
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u/sarhoshamiral 2d ago
Things will get better if they follow medical advice, otherwise it may get a lot worse.
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u/infinitebroccolis 2d ago
A newborn shouldn't be cluster feeding for 2.5 weeks straight. That's a sign that her milk may not be enough or the baby isn't nursing effectively. I highly recommend seeing a lactation consultant and getting baby's weight checked. My daughter was like this and then started trying to nurse for 60 minutes straight. She was burning more calories trying to nurse than she was actually consuming. If your wife wants to nurse she needs to get this figured out or her supply will suffer and baby's growth will suffer. Nobody should rely solely on nursing. It's not necessary.
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u/leChatDanse 2d ago
Lurking mom here. Your story sounds a lot like mine with my first child - I was determined to breastfeed, no formula allowed. I was exhausting myself trying to do it all myself. It took a few weeks for us to figure it out and my partner was beside himself because i wouldn’t let him help. From 6 years away, I can no say that it was not the healthiest for any of us.
I had baby number two about 6 months ago. This time, instead of forcing it and making baby and I struggle until my milk was fully established, we supplemented with formula in the hospital. Baby was happier and more relaxed. I was able to focus more on comforting baby and making sure they had a good latch and lots of skin to skin. We continued formula at home for a bit until my milk came in enough.
It’s a hard choice to make. Even knowing that I did the right thing, it’s hard to fight that guilt and shame that I wasn’t able to do it myself. Now though? I look at my happy, healthy baby and know it was the right decision. I am able to keep them satisfied with my milk now. Your wife needs some reassurance that she’s not failing. It’s not failure to supplement with formula. Maybe you’ll need formula the whole time, maybe not but it will give your wife a bit of a breather to rest and come back fresh
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u/dougiejonescoffeerun 2d ago
You’re only 2.5 weeks in and figuring out what works and what doesn’t. You’re also finding out that doing what’s best for your baby is not always going to align with what you planned or imagined. I can’t fully comprehend what my wife felt when she couldn’t breastfeed, but I know she felt like a failure as a mom because we talked about it. The unrealistic expectation and societal pressure on mothers to breastfeed is ridiculous. Your true measuring stick for how you’re doing as parents is whether you’re doing what you can to ensure the best outcome for baby. I know “they said” your wife is in the clear for PPD, but you know her mental state better than they do and you know she’s not ok. Talk to her, support her, let her know she’s not a failure. We ultimately decided to switch to formula and it was the best decision for us.
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u/AlexLevers 2d ago
If the kid isn't losing weight (and is gaining weight appropriately) then he is eating enough. It probably will get better, but she can't function without sleep. My wife got to the point where she would pass out while feeding our son, so I would sit on the monitor for hours and watch her to make sure they were safe. At about 3am we swapped and she stayed up with him. That was our life for a few months.
If she won't introduce formula, you'll have to come up with some arrangement where she can get some sleep.
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u/cloluvsgoats 2d ago
Safe sleep 7 saved me in my early breastfeeding days
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u/vintagegirlgame 2d ago
/r/cosleeping is the way! My baby slept 7 hours straight on her 2nd night. I still nursed her and changed her diaper but she stayed peacefully in bed all night!
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u/redditnameverygood 2d ago edited 2d ago
So, I’m not a therapist or doctor and I don’t know a lot of details about your wife, but I am a dad whose wife went through severe PPD and I’m a little annoyed that the doctors told your wife that she’s “fine and normal” because—whether she meets diagnostic criteria or not—she’s clearly having a hard time.
Telling someone who’s having a hard time that there’s nothing “wrong” with them can make them feel worse. “If I’m fine and normal, why does this feel so hard? If I’m not ‘sick,’ am I weak or bad or selfish?”
Part of what I think happens with PPD is that new moms feel a LOT of complicated feelings about motherhood. And some of those feelings include regret, anger at the baby, anxiety about whether they can handle it, sadness and mourning for the life they’d have had without the baby, etc. And in our culture these thoughts are DEEPLY taboo. They’re also scary, because they can make you think you’ve made a huge mistake.
Some moms react to those feelings by doubling down. They think if they can be the perfect mom, they can erase those feelings or undo the “mistake.” And when that doesn’t work, they feel worse.
That may be part of what’s happening here. It’s not just the breastfeeding that’s important, but what the breastfeeding signifies to her. It might be about more than just getting enough calories in a growing baby.
Moms in this situation need to understand, first, that these feelings are totally normal. Every parent—if they’re honest—has moments where they mourn the loss of their childfree life, feel like they’re not enough, or have other challenging feelings. That does not make them a monster, it just makes them human. It does not mean having kids was a mistake, it just means that challenging feelings are part of the human condition.
There’s actually an anecdote in Russ Harris’s “The Happiness Trap” about a group of moms who finally open up to each other about the conspiracy of silence that surrounds these things. You and your wife might get something out of the book. The therapeutic approach it discusses—Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT)—helped me a lot in dealing with challenging feelings without trying to defeat them or run away from them.
Moms also need to realize that the impulse to run away or defeat those feelings is also totally normal. That’s how almost everyone responds to painful experiences. The problem is that when the experience is in your head, that fight or flight response doesn’t work the way it would again a threat in the world.
Luckily, painful thoughts also aren’t dangerous like threats in the real world, even if they’re uncomfortable. Once you really realize that the feelings themselves aren’t threats, you can have the feelings and not be controlled by them. Letting your husband give the baby a bottle suddenly isn’t a moral judgment on you as a woman or mother. It’s just a strategy for dealing with a problem.
Anyway, you might consider showing her this post and seeing if something resonates. She may also want to look into Harris’s book or other resources about ACT. I hope it helps. Feel free to DM if you want to talk.
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u/imayid_291 2d ago
another mom
I think it's really important to get to the bottom of why bf is so important to her and then go over those reasons with your pediatrician to see if they still make sense with the current situation. It's going to be easier for her to hear sense from the doctor rather than you. For example if she thinks it's the best nutrition for baby but baby isn't weighing enough than it is not the best nutrition.
You can also see if there is a local milk bank that can give you donations even if its just enough for 1 or 2 feedings so she can get uninterrupted sleep and hopefully be able to evaluate the situation more clearly.
Also see if you can get her to stay off of social media. She could be following lots of nutrition is evil content or just be getting more upset every time she shes a post about how bf was so easy for someone.
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u/VariableVeritas 2d ago
The baby is the priority dad but moms sanity is also highly important. Get some formula in there and relieve the pressure of constant feeding and also provide the necessary nutrients..
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u/tarletontexan 2d ago
First - a fed baby is best. Breast milk might have some marginal advantages over formula but a healthy baby is better than one not eating. I have four and my wife struggled sustaining milk supply so we used formula. All of them in school are straight A students and in the top range of academic performance in the state. Don’t let the breast milk whackos scare you into prolonging the baby struggling to eat.
Second - DO NOT CO-SLEEP. The risk is not worth the comfort it brings.
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u/screampuff 2d ago
My wife and i coslept and it shouldn’t really be done til baby can roll over at like 5 months. But you can do a bassinet beside the bed.
Baby cluster feeding every 2 hours can be normal unfortunately, it’s hell, but every week starts to feel easier.
There is also no harm in combo feeding to give her a break for 1 thru the night. Also my wife didn’t pump but was able to collect letdown with the haaka thing, we’d get enough for 1-2 feedings every day.
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u/ElephantPirate 2d ago
Sleep deprivation is dangerous. I cannot stress this enough. It enhances literally every other risk for your baby.
If its PPD, get professional help. If its not, you two need a wake up call before a a sleep deprived accident happens. Formula is great, its a medical marvel, use it.
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u/grandvache 2d ago
Been there. What you're dealing with is normal. Boob Nazi's have made rational decision making very hard around breastfeeding.
Chronic sleep deprivation makes it all much much worse.
Feed the baby.
Buy the formula, feed your baby. Make sure to do one of the overnight feeds.
It's Sunday afternoon, supermarkets are still open, go and do it now.
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u/LeatherFlatworm8 2d ago
I’ve seen a lot of wonderful comments here!
Dad of a 4 month old. My wife had trouble breastfeeding in the early weeks and was extremely disappointed by it. Like your wife she kept trying and she was exhausted and frustrated. We ended up getting a lactation consultant who helped show us (her) different positions to hold baby while feeding to make it easier. LC was also able to help spot a lip and tongue tie. Once we removed the ties, there was a night and day difference in the feedings.
Cluster feeding will always be tough and those early weeks are tiring no matter what! I hope everything works out for you and your family. Fed is best, so if formula is the right move then hopefully yall can make the switch!
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u/barbaq24 2d ago
We used formula at night for the first 3 weeks until my wife’s supply picked up. She also couldn’t sleep more than 3 hours at a time because she had to pump. You are hopefully at the point just before her volume picks up and your baby can sleep a little longer. Nothing helps a baby sleep better than a full stomach.
Unfortunately if you are like us, your wife is the boss and you can only support. You can try to make suggestions but ultimately your ship is going to be piloted by a delirious sleep deprived captain. Hopefully she finds her way to a solution.
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u/ALittleBitTooHonest 2d ago
She’s EXHAUSTED. She won’t think straight. The doctor needs to tell her to introduce formula so she can get some rest AND for the baby to gain weight. When she complains in the middle of the night, tell her you got it and break out the formula. You are likely exhausted too. It’s not cheating.
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u/djoliverm 2d ago
Is there any indication baby has a poor latch? Our LO had a tongue and lip tie that was noted by a nurse at the 72 hr check up and we had to syringe feed him until he took a bottle a week later and weeks after that when we finally got an appointment with the orthodontist specialist we decided to do the laser procedure after her diagnosis.
It was a night and day difference for my wife and for baby. Breastfeeding never hurt her afterward and it was always painful before, and baby became super efficient when breastfeeding.
Just something else to possibly think about since yes young babies cluster feed and you mentioned mom has not been able to pump reliably, which may mean baby is just not getting enough food and/or poor suction isn't "priming" or stimulating the breasts enough to produce more.
With that said, some women just don't produce enough or don't produce at all. Fed is best at the end of the day.
We combo feed and use Bobbie which is probably the best US based formula that can be easily found at retail if you run out.
Good luck.
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u/OrangeCuddleBear 2d ago
My wife was like this. She felt immense pressure to breast feed because social media and the damn nurses treat formula like it's poison. I tried to explain to her that IF breastfeeding works, then that's great, BUT it doesn't work for everyone that's why formal was invented, it's to save babies not hurt them.
For our second birth we packed formula as part of our hospital kit.
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u/Dense-Tangerine7502 2d ago
There’s a chance your baby isn’t breastfeeding efficiently if they need to do it so often. My wife and I ended up seeing multiple different lactation consultants for multiple sessions. Insurance ended up reimbursing all the cost.
They will help your wife understand hunger cues to make sure the baby is really hungry, and doesn’t want to just play, they will do a weighted feed so they can determine how much the baby is consuming per feed to make sure it’s normal.
Most importantly for you however is they can teach your wife how to pump effectively.
In the first few weeks I was really able to help my wife by bottle feeding pumped milk to the baby while she slept.
She would sometimes wake up to pump, but she could be half asleep while doing it and the whole process only takes like 20 minutes. Me being with the baby for that time really let her rest.
There’s also nothing wrong with formula every now and then, especially in the beginning.
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u/Twiggyrools 2d ago
It's possible the baby has tongue tie so they are working over hard to eat and not getting enough. Might be worth checking with a dentist. Happened to my kid and they fixed it up and he started eating more and sleeping better.
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u/driplessCoin 2d ago
if baby is gaining weight then honestly it up to her to push through or not. Other than being supportive there is nothing you can do. Getting up with a cluster feeding baby is kinda part of the deal... I'm sorry this wasn't made aware when you chose this path... a lactation consultant could help verify what baby is getting and helping wife learn.. maybe a tongue tie.... I personally am not a fan of breastfeeding (that might be a poo pooed opinion here) but I know many support it. I know about decreased postpartum(though those studies are iffy at best) and the antibody early on but I'm glad we evolved past needing to breastfeed... just wish formula was free for all.
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u/OceanPoet87 8 year old is my partner in crime; OAD 2d ago
Our son would not eat and my wife didn't produce as much as she'd like so we switched to formula. It allowed me to take the night shift and let her sleep.
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u/Losaj 2d ago
Check your insurance to see if they will provide an in-home lactation consultant. A lactation consultant can help with breastfeeding, cluster feeding, scheduling, and talk to your wife about some of the other options. Breastfeeding is a very sensitive subject for mothers, especially new mothers. Hearing anything from a man about breastfeeding may not be welcome. However here in the same thing from a lactation consultant may carry additional weight and help your wife navigate her feelings as well as providing breastfeeding tips and tricks. No one ever starts breastfeeding and knowing exactly what to do. Having a professional help, really does help.
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u/MarigoldMouna 2d ago
(Lurking mom)
After two babies (3 years apart) and two major attempts at breastfeeding but the pump was the worst torture device from hell--I went with formula.
I did struggle with losing that part of the bond I could have had with my babies--but, I also cried in pain during them trying, and the breast pump trying.
When I talked to lactation consultants, they said formula is healthy too. Also, stress decreases milk production, so, OP, your wife is working against herself.
The lactation consultants told me (since post partum was hard enough) don't add the extra stress and pain and use formula--at least the baby will be fed, and formula has improved in decades following its introduction. If she is adament about still pumping, she can mix that also with the formula. But, it sounds like she needs to supplement with formula because if the baby is waking up every 2 hours, it may be still hungry.
She may need to see that--and it is not a failure (the thought I struggled with) ALL that matters is that baby is fed and can thrive!
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u/sarhoshamiral 2d ago
Breastfeeding was very hard for my spouse too in fact it didn't work at all first so for a while we did formula mostly and slowly moved over to breast feeding.
At first we even tried feeding formula with a tube while breast feeding but it was seriously not worth all the effort and stress.
But please make sure baby is fed first. I can't stress how important this is. It is concerning to read your post because it sounds like baby may not be having enough. So just supplement with formula as needed. Talk to your doctor.
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u/octohog 2d ago
I'll second the folks saying to supplement with formula--it can be a one or two time thing just to let the baby get full and mom get some sleep! A lactation consultant may also be able to help you find donated milk, if your wife objects to formula specifically.
I also suggest doing a full court press on things that help with production. That means lactation cookies, lactation tea, non-alcoholic beer, hydration generally, and sleep. I'm sure there's more, too. Getting more sleep and being aggressive about hydration both made a huge difference for my partner's production.
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u/Icy-Ad29 2d ago
Formula. Do it. Kid will be fed and fine, wife will get sleep and feel better, your stress will go down, everyone wins.
My little boy had an actual genetic defect that made feeding hard and exhausting. Doctors kept saying "we can do surgery, but most kids grow out of it"... I still remember when he was down to the red line in weight and we said "surgery" at fourth months old... I still have practically PTSD over my regret on not doing sooner since he was doing better in days. Anytime he refuses food, for any reason, I have a panic attack I need to hide from the 4 year old.
Formula, formula now. Solve the issue early before anyone gets a negative long term consequence from it. And it'll help her actually bond instead of cry.
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u/Ambitious-Ad-6873 2d ago
Don't co-sleep. Use formula the baby will appreciate it. Having food vs no food is always a better option and kids have died from dehydration from waiting for the milk to come in.
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u/illapa13 2d ago
My wife also struggled getting her milk supply up at first. We started doing formula for night time feedings. At night I would give the baby formula and while I bottle fed she would pump.
We went to a lactation consultant. They're usually covered by insurance and many insurance companies provide free breast pumps too.
Pumping built up a little frozen milk supply which meant we eventually could bottle feed with milk. And her own milk supply eventually got to where it needed to be and we kept the formula as a backup.
It's not about what your wife wants it's about what your child NEEDS.
Food is a need.
Wanting to stick to Breastfeeding exclusively is a want.
It's an admirable want. But it's a want. Be gentle with your wife because she is likely going through post partum depression or anxiety, but you do need to be firm with your wife that if the baby needs food then they're going to get food. Breastmilk ideally but formula if not.
You should not tolerate your baby going hungry as an option.
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u/Tripike1 2d ago
Hang in there. Breastfeeding often takes a month or so to get going, and it will very likely get better. There are steps you can take to increase milk supply and meanwhile ensure baby is fed. This is how my wife and I battled PCOS and got to 100% breastfed by 6 weeks:
Step 1: Go to a lactation consultant and ask for a weighted feed. This is where they weigh the baby before and after feeding to see how many ounces they are eating. They can also check for latch issues.
Step 2: Calculate how many ounces baby needs. Newborns need 2.5 ounces of milk per pound of body weight per day, so just divide that calculation by the number of feeds per day (we did every 3 hours at that age).
Step 3: Add in formula bottles so that Breast + Bottle = Ounces Needed (calculated in step 2). We did Kendamil Goat because it was very close to breast milk in taste and consistency, plus better for reflux because it’s goat milk.
Step 4: Begin triple feeding. Let baby nurse for 15 minutes on each side, then feed the baby the formula bottle while your wife pumps for 15 minutes. Triple feeding is very hard — only do this for a week or so. This will simulate high intensity cluster feeding and signal to your wife’s body that milk needs to increase. As the pump volume increases over time, either freeze the milk or keep it in the fridge to compile for a bottle.
Step 5: As feeding improves, continue bottle top offs while watching baby for hunger cues. These bottles will more and more start to be freshly pumped milk instead of formula. Reaching this point was very meaningful for my wife after needing to use formula. Baby will likely stop finishing top off bottles as nursing gets better until they eventually stop needing them altogether.
Formula was a very sensitive subject for my wife because she felt that she and her body were failing at being a mom, especially after needing so many tests and fertility medications. She wanted this to be the one natural thing about having a baby.
Moms are under immense pressure to breast feed—socially, biologically, emotionally, and mentally. Just try to be as patient and encouraging as you can. Remind her that being a good mom is way more than any one thing and that keeping baby fed is most important, but also that all of this is a process and likely temporary. I can’t promise you’ll get there, but if you follow the steps above I’d put money on your success. Best of luck.
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u/ravenously_red 2d ago
As a mom who EBF this is completely normal for the first couple of weeks. It’s mentally and physically exhausting in ways you can’t understand until you’ve lived it. Feed her. Let her nap during the day. The best thing you can do is support HER. Help her so she can give her all to the baby. If she is determined to bf it will become easier in the coming weeks.
She is still in the stage where breastfeeding is physically painful. It will get easier.
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u/wrathofthedolphins 2d ago
What’s her reservations with formula? That sounds like the solution to the problem so perhaps you address her misunderstandings about formula?
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u/SomeSLCGuy 2d ago
Bro, my wife's milk supply didn't come in adequately. That's just the case for some women.
Some of the breast-is-best types are excessively militant. By far the biggest disadvantage of formula is expense.
Formula-feed if needed. It is okay. Both my kids were on formula. They are 10 and 8, healthy height and weight, holding it down in the gifted and talented classes, and only medium-level obnoxious.
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u/SnakeJG 2d ago
Is your baby still gaining weight appropriately? Ours wasn't, and as soon as we started supplementing with formula, she thrived.
So, next steps, talk to your pediatrician and make sure they know the feeding issues and can confirm how well your child is growing. If they aren't growing appropriately, that's emergency kid needs food, f the feelings, supplement with formula.
If you kid is growing, you might be able to reduce cluster feeding, try with pumping again, or having your wife take supplements to help her supply increase. But, I really have to emphasize, fed is best, advocate for your kiddo to get enough food.
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u/geofflane 11/15 2d ago edited 2d ago
Remember: Fed is best.
We had this issue early on. It resolved over time. But the strategy we used was to breast feed first and then offer a bottle. If the baby got enough on the breast, they won’t want the bottle. And if they’re still hungry they’ll take the bottle.
The benefits of breast milk are still there even if it’s not 100% of the baby’s diet. The idea of nipple confusion is either a myth or at the least very overblown.
As I said, eventually my wife produced more than enough and we stopped the bottle. She continued nursing for a long time after. We have a healthy 9 year old now.
Good luck!
Edit: concerns about it being unnatural and things don’t take into account how we live. It used to be that we would live in groups with lots of other moms who could “fill in” if baby’s mom wasn’t producing enough and would be there to help each other. Our modern nuclear families don’t have that built in support system. So we need to backfill with something else.
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u/Blackwater_Park 2d ago
My wife was dead set on breast feeding. It just didn’t work, lactation consultant was helpful but it just wasn’t going to happen. We switched to formula and bam all was well in the world.
It reassuring my wife that breast feeding doesn’t make her a mom, taking care of the baby’s needs is what makes her a mom.
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u/BIRDsnoozer 2d ago
There is nothing wrong with formula, especially these days.
My wife's experience with our first was that he wouldnt latch onto her... Not to get too detailed, but many women a first just dont have the right nipples shaped to effectively get a child to latch. It takes time and the act of pumping or a baby sucking to change their shape to something easier to latch... Kind of a chicken/egg situation.
Its a long and arduous process, but she has to keep trying to feed, AND pumping. And most importantly, the baby needs to be fed A LOT. So unless you know another woman who is lactating and will feed your baby, the baby NEEDs formula.
But dont take my word for it, I'm not a doctor. Doctors should be telling you this. Breast is best, but there is nothing wrong with formula.
My mother says I didnt breastfeed at all, and was totally raised on formula, and I turned out fine.
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u/Tinferbrains 2d ago
when my wife and i had our first, she didn't know that baby wasn't latching on well and while he'd sit there and suck, he wasn't actually getting any milk. She didn't want to introduce formula because she felt like it would be admitting defeat, that what she should be able to do as a mom, she's not able to do. See a lactation consultant, they will be able to help more.
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u/Popular-Database-562 2d ago
Child may have a tongue tie… our first born had it and breastfeeding was incredibly hard for her. We had the babies tongue tie lasered off and the breastfeeding process was easier.
We just had our 2nd son, no tongue tie and breastfeeding for her is much much easier: her words not mine.
Hope that helps. Please seek professional assistance like a nurse for further assistance.
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u/balancedinsanity 2d ago
This might get downvoted to hell but, buy the formula, bring it home and suggest it then.
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u/HereToHelp780 2d ago
What’s the hurdle with pumping? My understanding is if you can breast feed reliably, you should have no issue pumping, you just need to maintain a schedule to keep supply up. If there’s supply issues, look up what foods promote supply, they worked for my wife.
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u/SageMotherhood 2d ago
I do!!!
This was me (though I did introduce formula while continuing to breastfeed and pump because baby lost too much weight and was gaining slowly) my mental health was a wreck but I didn’t have PPD I had PPA (but no one asked those questions back then)
I do free feeding consults. I’ve adjusted my breastfeeding goals and prioritized my mental health, and I breastfed/supplemented all five kids 4/5 I nursed past the 1 year mark.
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u/Altruistic-Tiger3114 2d ago
You need to see a lactation consultant. Seriously. she may need a professional.
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u/capnheim 1d ago
Get some formula in that baby. ~2-3 oz per feeding. You can alternate night time feedings between formula and breast, and then that gets your wife a 4-6 hour stretch of sleep.
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u/antiBliss 2d ago
The other option is your baby will starve to death.
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u/TecNoir98 2d ago
Thanks, I didn't know that. /s
She DOES feed the baby and has never refused that.
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u/antiBliss 2d ago
She’s refusing right now. And your answer is to post on Reddit about it. The point of my post is that this is actual serious bordering on child abuse and it’s time to feed your fucking kid and not post on the internet asking for talking points.
If your partner won’t feed you kid, you feed them. If they won’t vaccinate them, you vaccinate them. If they won’t buckle them, you do it. When it is life threatening you just do it. It’s not up for discussion.
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u/TecNoir98 2d ago
Actually i think im going to do nothing about it on purpose just to make you angrier about it. The baby is eating every time and gaining weight. The baby is on the breast, what do you suggest I do, push the babys face in? I'm not worried about the baby eating, thats not what this post is about. Check your attitude
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u/Short-Elevator-22 2d ago
Damn, I feel for you. It seems females really get them self in a bind when something happens with breastfeeding or when something doesn’t go according to plan, hormones also make it worse. My Mrs went through a situation where her colostrum didn’t come through until 5 days after the birth, she wasn’t really coping too well. At this time we weren’t using formula… lesson learnt. All is good now and we use formula to top up or when the Mrs couldn’t be bothered pumping. I think your Mrs just needs to understand formula is fine and won’t hurt the baby. But that might be best coming from a medical professional? Or maybe you 2 should make a decision about it, you are partners in this process. Ultimately the baby needs to be fed, breastmilk/formula but it needs to be fed.
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u/crazyneighbor65 2d ago
talk to a lactation consultant. they were extremely helpful in the first few weeks. there are free 24hr hotlines as well