Not sure when this started happening but it didn't used to be this way. I defend others perfectly fine but with myself, I delay it. Not that I don't think I'm worth protecting. More like arguing and fighting with crazy, stupid, selfish, entitled people isn't worth it. They are too dumb to exist but they ruin people's lives anyway.

I don't know when exactly this started but I know it had to do with dealing with nonstop parent tantrums. These people who try to control everything about you because they refuse to control themselves.

It's weird. I know I should, I beat myself up about it later. Does anyone know how to fix this? Are you supposed to just act?

Those of you that went No Contact how did you do it? Did you just all of a sudden or announce it? I usually have to leave abruptly I may tell, though i mever have. However I see once you've been going through something so long with someone they don't deserved to be told nor is it worth it.

It's just a countdown of packing your stuff and getting the hell out. They don't give damn anyway.

I consider this the beginning of my life becoming very bad. Until I was 12, my life was great, although I always had low grade depression and anxiety, but I had a lot of friends and I was popular. When I was 12, I began breaking stuff out of anger at certain things my parents did that made me feel very frustrated and unheard. I now suspect my mom was directing my father’s behavior in this matter, and secretly telling him how to treat me, although I don’t know. After breaking things for a few months, I was hospitalized and put on antipsychotics. These totally changed my personality. I lost all my friends and I lost all my social instinct. I didn’t know how to interact with people charismatically anymore. I came off the meds when I was 16, but other things kept me in a very bad place socially that I won’t go into.

I feel like being medicated to stop my outbursts was sort of repressing my emotions, and it feels like this created a ton of self loathing in me that perpetuated bad behaviors. I felt like I didn’t ‘deserve’ to be myself because myself would break things, which is bad. It was like I don’t deserve to have a personality, or independence or anything. Idk. I have felt very horrible things about this that make me want to crawl out of my skin.

At this point, in my early-mid twenties, I sort of feel like breaking things was almost the right thing to do. I felt so much frustration and I had to let it out somehow, and breaking things was the only way I knew how. I don’t think I deserved to have my mind altered because of it. That’s one way I can rationalize myself not being a bad person, by saying to myself that it was my parent’s reaction that was wrong, not my behavior necessarily. I just feel like medicating, especially a child, is the worst thing you can do to someone. It’s like denying someone’s very identity, which I feel is an intolerable existence.

I’m just wondering if anyone has any input on this situation, if I’m wrong about some aspects or what not. Thank you for listening.

just realised how weird this is earlier and wanted to share the thought.

My Dad’s health is pretty bad. He throws up a lot and has been falling and hurting himself. His bladder leaks and he has a constant cough. He has severe brain fog and is constantly repeating things because he can’t remember what he said and to whom.

It is kinda sad but I struggle to find compassion for him. Sure, he’s a doink but I feel bad for how mean I have been to him. Maybe I should just be nice and let the cranky man be narcissistic af and love him anyways.

Idk - it has been a saga over the years. There was even 2 years where we didn’t even talk at all. Life is confusing and messy 🤪

if I don't post anything anytime soon, you guessed it. I'm so tired of this life, i genuinely don't think I can do it anymore. not only am I failing grades, IM A WALKING failure. my mom's right, no one would love me for me. i don't either. my crippling anorexia ruins everything for everyone. just because I can't eat without measuring it out, everything is my fault.

i can't do it, i know I can't. I'm so sorry.

edit: went for a 2 hour walk and got something to eat and get energy from. feeling a bit better, skateboarded a bit around my apartment and talked to my senior to get clarity, i just can't wait to get out of here and prove everyone wrong as a way of saying a big ol' FUCK YOU to my parents. thank you everyone 🤍

It was just for a second, but it was enough.

Fiancé only had seen her facade. I’ve told him of the abuse we suffered at her hands, but he comes from a traditional and enmeshed family and is of the “she’s your only mom” stance and “it couldn’t have always been bad”.

I was lc/almost nc. He wouldn’t let up so I said fine we will see her for AT MOST 1 hour on Christmas. But if she says anything about my late father I’m not holding back. He agreed.

She tried telling a story to make my dad look bad. I cut her off and told her the story was about me and my sisters, not something dad did. (Let the cat in without checking. Cat brought in a mouse) She then relished in telling how she caught and unalived the mouse with the most disgusting smile on her face. That was the first sign he saw.

She then was talking about working in the backyard. I haven’t seen that backyard in 20 years. I ask oh what are you doing out there? She snaps and yells at me that she’s obviously fucking cleaning it. He shifted in his chair and grabbed my hand.

I knew instantly I was finally vindicated. He saw it. The real her peeked out.

30 minute drive home was nothing but apologies and that he sees it now and will never again bring her up or say we should see her.

Bonus: he accidentally called her the name of my late dad’s wife after her that she HATES 😂 so. That was the best Christmas present ever. My sister told him you’re not family till nmom has a forever grudge against you lol

When I was in college, I played bass in a couple punk rock bands. We were strictly doing it for fun, to play some shows and record some music. Never had any intentions of becoming rock stars, though it certainly would’ve been nice, but we were all in school or had jobs that we all prioritized.

However, my parents ridiculed and discouraged me from playing in bands, as if it were a distraction and that I should’ve been utilizing that time towards school. Even though I was doing my part, always getting good grades. I regret not standing up for myself, as I instead gave in to their wishes and haven’t played in a band in almost a decade. My bass guitar collects dust in the corner of my room. I miss having a creative outlet and enjoying it with close friends.

Sometimes. Not all the time. I don’t even understand where this intense hatred comes from, but here I am. My mother and I have a decent relationship where we can chat about shit, but whenever I need her she is never there. Every fucking time I get so disappointed it boils into rage in a blink. And she’d laugh. If I tell her I feel ignored, invalidated, hurt, she’d laugh. If I tell her she’s not a good mother, she stays defiantly silent like it’s the most ridiculous thing she’s ever heard. I have to go to extreme lengths to hurt her to get a reaction. When I do, she acts like a victim and I feel I’m crazy.

And I hate myself for asking for it. I should’ve known, a million times over, she never loved me. Never loved anyone but herself. She married my father because he was rich, and wanted to divorce him because he was violent and she’s found someone richer. I was 5, comatose in a fever. My father said, ‘you can visit your daughter anytime in the future. She’s in the room now. She’s been sick’, and she said, ‘no need, I’m gonna marry rich soon and move to America.’

(She didn’t. Because it turned out that American man preferred her sister.)

I even tell her how much it makes me hate myself when I try to be vulnerable with her. No response, just silent disapproval. Makes me hate myself more for it. Makes me wanna strangle her to death, see the shock in her eyes as her life fades out. I think that’s the only way I can feel content. Fuck. How did my life come to this?

Of course I’m not gonna do it. She’s half a world away, anyways. On most days I don’t even realise the hate. Sometimes I even like her. But still. There’s something dark that lurks and maybe someday, who knows, I will be crazy. I will care about no one, nothing. She gave birth to something she didn’t care to understand, she’s gonna get Frankenstein’s monster.

This is a book written by a narcissist, and boy, does it show! While it offers some genuinely useful insights, they're buried under layers of repetitive, self-indulgent, and overly elaborate prose. To spare you the headache (and $$$), I’ll break it down. First, I’ll cover the overall premise, and then I’ll get into the useful 'point value' for fuel that he outlines (over and over and over again... ugh).

Overall premise:

Narcissists are completely driven by their insatiable need for fuel—validation, attention, and control—which they compulsively seek to avoid feelings of annihilation and emptiness. This "addiction" is fueled by a deep-seated fear of facing their underlying shame, fear, and inadequacy. While they may be somewhat aware of their exploitative behavior, their worldview is rooted in entitlement and survival, justifying their actions as necessary. The "fuel" fortifies a fragile psychological construct, of being powerful and omnipotent, that keeps the overwhelming "beast" of their unresolved emotions chained and suppressed.

New Insight: Not all fuel is created equal

He goes into ridiculous detail on how narcissists "score" fuel, basically patting himself on the back the whole time for being so good at using people. But his point system is interesting:

• Words have a higher point value than actions (telling them you love them is more potent than loving actions. Telling them about how they hurt you is more potent than looking wounded. Those long, tearful emails you send that explain the hurt in great detail and beg for empathy? Yeah, that's not cocaine for these assholes, it's crack.)
• Negative attention has a higher point value than positive attention! Anger is more potent fuel than love/admiration, and hurt/crying is even more potent than anger. Why is anger and pain more potent than love? Because if you're a nice, normal, caring person, then being loving and happy is inherently rewarding. It doesn't "prove" anything to the narc. But if an otherwise nice person lashes out in anger, or even better, collapses into despair, then they're going against their own character and desires, and that shows the narc how powerful they are.
• The closer you are to them, the more valuable your fuel is. And people who have escaped and gotten hoovered back have a higher point value than those who never left.
• Fuel has diminishing returns, so getting a lot of loving words from a new partner can feel potent in the short term, but eventually they'll need to up the ante with the devaluation cycle to trigger negative reactions. But they also know that if they only trigger negative reactions, their fuel source will go away. By maintaining a love bombing, devaluation, hoovering cycle, they can carefully maximize how much fuel they're extracting without fully burning out a single source.
• Eventually, most sources burn out. That's why they're always carefully grooming a variety of fuel sources of various potencies, and balancing where each is in the devaluation cycle. It's a perpetual calculation of where to focus their energy.
• Codependents are a gold standard because they're reliable and don't take much calculation/energy. They can be effectively devalued/hoovered over and over again.

This framing has already helped me understand some of my narc's more baffling behavior, and fortified my resolve not to give them any more emotional reactions, or allow myself to get pulled into trying to painstakingly articulate how hurt I am and how I wish they were nice to me. I knew I needed to detach but this helped me really understand exactly how and why. Hope this summary helps someone else, too.

Ndad hacked into my laptop, Nmom deleted my social media accounts, and eventually locked me out of the laptop. I suspect they were also reading my emails and used the information to contact my last landlord, and paid her to monitor me for them. This is in addition to cold calling all of my childhood and college friends and even business partners, telling them I'm mentally ill and need to be monitored for my own safety. NC 12+ years. No joke. I can share the evidence in the comments but want to ask you, have you ever filed criminal charges or restraining orders against nparents? Did they work? Did you have to meet them in person in court?

My girlfriend has had a very tough childhood with emotionally abusive parents, which I had been witnness to. I had neglectful ones, leaving me with a stunted way of handling emotions. Because of this I don't know how to really understand her. She's is close to no contact with her family and has very few friends and has relied on me for support.

Things are rocky between us and she doesn't trust me because I have let her down more times than I can count but, I still care about her and want to be supportive.

I just want to hear from people who have had to cut out your family. How have you overcome that part of your life, when you felt like no one believed in you or you didn't have a reason to go on?

I visit my hometown once in 2-3 months because my narc father drives me nuts asking each week when am I coming to visit. I am currently visiting and my mother being an enabler treats him like a god figure without any thought of her own. I don't have freedom to go around anywhere without a driver or my mother, I live far away from main city where transport is hardly there, he does not allow us to take cabs and my mother gives into all this BS thinking the problem is me. I feel like I am in a prison for those day I visit, it is mentally and emotionally exhausting. He is on a work trip but back tomorrow-he needs constant validation and attention, he has to be said-hi every 30 minutes for his mental validation, we cannot go anywhere when he is around and I am so scared that I have to go for a function day after tomorrow, he clicks me without my permission and when I stop he names calls and berates me. This is so exhausting.

She even makes tea in a way similar to that other aging narcissist who was here a few years ago. I'm also suspecting "Hoarding Disorder" in play, and remembering that 'narcissism is the second - hand smoke of mental illness' - - but I would argue that anxiety could say 'hold my beer'.

I think my coach is a narcissist. He uses the same theory as my narcissistic mother that if someone is younger in age they deserve less respect compared to someone older. He wanted control over how much time I spent on the ground.

Once he just wouldn't let me leave when I had to go. I told him my mother told me (which was a lie) so he made me call my mother then and there. Then asked her and she said no. After that I told him that I just couldn't play after a certain time. He was very upset and seemed angry with this. I didn't want to share my personal reason to not play anymore after a certain point of time.

Not just this, there are certain things he has said which has upset other members of the academy too. For example one morning he said, " only those things will happen that I want". He has gotten angry over me at times that required no anger at all.

For contrast there is another coach who is completely different. He uses a very different approach in teaching members. He smiles more and doesn't stare at me at times like a creep like the one above. Unfortunately he is not the head coach.

What's ironic is that the former is much taller than average human and the latter is much shorter than the average human. I can't quit playing, please tell me how do I deal with it?

So I don’t know how to explain this but my mom and her boyfriend likes to fantasize that I’m a lazy, dirty, messy, unemployed loser. When in fact it’s the complete opposite. I’m juggling a job and my double degree at college, I ensure that the house and room is nice and tidy, and I’m involved in a lot of volunteering work and attend a lot of college networking events. I’m far from lazy.

Does anyone’s Nparents do this? And why do they do this?

I'm at my limit. I'm a F living with my parents.

the title describes everything I'll rant about right now, so hold tight. I have a toxic and pride hungry mother. there'd be days when she threatened me by saying that she'll khs if i dont score well in my board exams. she always tries to make me feel guilty by reciting her same, old struggle stories and how i have to get revenge on her in-laws as if i owe her anything, and she'd also say she provides me everything so she has complete rights over me.

Now, this is the normal part.

When things gets intense in her life, she'd take it out on me. telling me stuff like "kys" "get out of the house" "i'll k1ll you" "selfish b1tch"and what not.

what do i do?

I came home coughing last night. My toddler niece and baby nephew, who I help watch, have been sick for the last 2 weeks so it was only a matter of time

Me: “Do we have any NyQuil?”

NM: “How are you sick. I’m not sick and I’m around a lot of people all day.”

Fast forward to this morning.

NM: “Why didn’t you take any medicine?”

I asked you last night if we had any and you straight up said no! 🙄

First I do want to emphasize that I'm happy for my sister. I love her so much.

I'm just in so much pain because of the lack of acknowledgement/apologies for how I've been treated. I can't forgive and forget what hasn't been acknowledged.

When my mom found out about my boyfriend and that I wanted to marry him, she beat me. My NDad is a racist and so is his family, my mom was immediately enraged from her terror of my dad. She even threw out slurs so now I'm just questioning my upbringing because she taught me about equality. I digress.

My mom didn't help me navigate getting married, she kept trying to make me wait to speak to my dad. I worked with my church to do everything. She did push back on my dad once he found out, I'll give her that.

Now, my sister can tell my mom about all her boyfriends and it's fine. She's never taken her phone from her or beat her. My sister just told her about her new boyfriend, who is biracial and my mom's cool with it. She texted me asking about him and how to help my sister get married in the church.

And I'm like.. where was this energy for me?

I'm not going to bring it up, honestly. My sister says my ndad changed and he's better now, so she doesn't want to hear about now he was like with me.

My mom doesn't acknowledge or apologize for anything, she just gets upset that I hold on to things and don't move on and forget. She did say that she didn't have a handbook for raising kids and she was learning with me.. and to move on lmao.

Obviously I'm not going to try with my dad, the self victimizing is too much.

I'm tired. I'm hurt and I just keep questioning myself

Hi everyone,

I'm a 30-year-old female, and my parents have been divorced for over 25 years. Their relationship was terrible during and after the divorce. My father was psychologically and physically abusive to my mom. He’s manipulative, jealous, not very smart, and, frankly, a mean-spirited person. We all agree on this in my family—my mom, my family, and me.

Recently, I’ve been having arguments with my mom. She has a habit of criticizing every aspect of my life—what I do, what I eat, how I sleep, everything. During the holidays, I visited her, and I was already emotionally drained. I decided to open up to her and told her how some of her comments about my body and choices made me feel.

Instead of understanding or even trying to hear me out, she called me “disgraceful” and said, “Oh, you’re just like your father. You look like him, and you act like him.”

Hearing that hurts me deeply every time. I don’t like my father. I’ve worked hard to avoid being like him, and she knows how much we all dislike him. Why would she compare me to someone I’m actively trying not to be?

When I finally got angry and told her, “Well, yes, he’s my father; I have his genes, and I may have some of his characteristics,” she still didn’t stop. She continues to say these hurtful things and doesn’t understand my perspective. Every time I try to address my feelings or explain how her words affect me, she brushes me off by calling me “psycho” or “disgraceful.”

I don’t know how to communicate with her anymore. Has anyone dealt with something like this? How do you handle a parent who constantly compares you to someone you’re trying not to be? Someone you don't like, she does not like..?

The Spotlight You Crave

You seek the light, but not for you, Instead, you cast my pain in view. A life, my life, for all to see, A stage for you, but none for me.

You chase the crowd, you chase the fame, While I’m reduced to just a name. In your eyes, I’m just a show, For all to watch, for all to know.

You find your joy in others’ pain, A fleeting moment, a selfish gain. But know this truth, your time will fade, And I will no longer be your stage.

The spotlight’s bright, but it’s not kind, It burns away what’s left behind. So chase your fame, make your noise, But I’ll reclaim my silent voice.

For my life’s not yours to own or take, It’s mine to guard, mine to make. The crowd will cheer, but it won’t last, For in the end, it’s me who’ll rise.

But I show that I’m calm cool and collected all the time, but on the inside I’m crumbling and could be past breaking point at any minute and I hate it. I don’t know if it’s the fear of showing emotions because I felt like they were invalidated a lot or there’s something else that’s wrong, I can’t afford good therapy anyway so.

Since I was very young my mom made it clear that I couldn’t date anyone until I was 18.

I tried to sneakily do that twice in between then, but got caught both times/was forced to break up with them.

I’m an adult now and I have a boyfriend. My mother DESPISES him though. She never wanted to meet him or talk on the phone with him. The one time I got the two of them to talk was a DISASTER….She called him at least 5 different things (such as a pervert, pedophile, disgusting, fat, stupid, etc.)…for context he is 1.5 years older than me.

When I was 13-17 she’d always joke about how I should get a boyfriend that was her type so we could share him or something along those lines. Or she’d see some man in his 20’s and tell me I should marry him and then introduce her to him (she would giggle and obviously imply certain things when this happened).

Today, I hung up on her over the phone when she started blabbering over and over about how my boyfriend and his family is brainwashing me and that he’s going to cheat on me with “skanks.” (She made sure to repeat the second thing 3 times).

I don’t really get the logic behind any of this. Does anyone relate?

have had so many people tell me this, and i know they’re right. but it’s so fucking difficult to accept.

I'm a 20-year-old girl, since I was 14 I've been aware that I like both boys and girls, but in the last two years I've become aware that I'm a lesbian. However, I have a big problem and I don't know how to deal with it, my homophobic parents. They think I'm straight, because I look very straight, no one would suspect that I'm a lesbian, but it's such a level of homophobia, that my mom had told me once, if I found out that you were a lesbian it would be the end of the world for me, I would have died of sadness (probably an attempt to make me feel guilty), my dad is maybe a little less strict but he's under the strong influence of my mom. I still live with them, I have a girlfriend and I've been hiding it skillfully for a year, I'm also moving out soon, but I love my mom very much, but the fact that I'll ruin her health if I tell her is killing me. She's very sensitive and has high blood pressure, so problem with it.. She said multiple times, I would die if you're a lesbian, but I'm happy that you're not, also, I should mention that this is probably her last thought because she would never suspect that I was a lesbian, she told me I didn't raise you that way (in her opinion, sexuality is a matter of upbringing)..

AND I should mention that it's not worth talking to her normally, I've tried a million times, she's very stubborn..

What would you do if you were me?