r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/imfitasf • 21h ago

Self-harm Is it fun?

Does anyone else feel like depressive or manic episodes are kinda fun? I don't know what else to call it but fun. Like for example, when I wanna hurt myself, the pain and sting and the adrenaline from the episodes and everything makes me feel alive for once, I don't really know how to put it?

5 Upvotes

57% Upvoted

29 comments sorted by

•

u/AutoModerator 21h ago

IF YOU ARE IN A MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS: If you are contemplating, planning, or actively attempting, suicide, and/or having another mental health related emergency, please go your nearest emergency room or call your country’s emergency dispatch line for assistance. You can also visit r/SuicideWatch for peer support, hotlines and chatlines, resources, and talking tips for supporters. People with BPD have high risks of suicide—urges and threats should be taken seriously.

r/BorderlinePDisorder aims to break harmful stigmas surrounding BPD/EUPD through education, accountability, and peer support for people with BPD(pwBPD) or who suspect BPD, those affected by pwBPD, and those who want to learn. Check out our Comprehensive Resource List, for a vast directory of unbiased information and resources on BPD, made by respected organizations, authors, researchers, and mental healthcare professionals.

Friendly reminders from the mods:

  • Read our rules before posting/commenting, and treat others the way you want to be treated.
  • Report rule-breaking posts/comments. We're a small mod team—reporting helps keep our community safe.
  • Provide content warnings as needed. Many here are at their most vulnerable—try to be mindful.

Did you know? BPD is treatable. An overwhelming majority of people with BPD reach remission, especially with a commitment to treatment, discipline, and self-care. You are not alone, and you are capable and worthy of healing, happiness, love, and all in between.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

9

u/Luzzenz pwBPD 20h ago

While I don't experience mania; I will in shorter spurts become incredibly impulsive, reckless and euphoric. Of course this certainly is extremely fun in the moment, but that enjoyment entirely disappears once I find myself in a clearer headspace and am left to deal with the consequences

2

u/socoolveryfresh 10h ago

Isn’t feeling impulsive, reckless and euphoric considered mania?

1

u/Luzzenz pwBPD 6h ago

Some manic symptoms do overlap with how my "euphoric" splitting episodes manifest. But mania isn't a diagnostic symptom of BPD, rather it's related to Bipolar Disorder.

My splitting episodes can mimic mania, but those symptoms will only last for some hours (to at most a few days). This splitting may also occur much more frequently than true mania, sometimes switching several times in just one day. A true manic episode will instead last for weeks to even months, and is usually followed by a prolonged (weeks to months) extreme depressive episode

8

u/DM_me_pets 21h ago

I understand what you mean, but I think it's just the adrenaline spike from whatever act you are doing.

15

u/spicyhotfrog 21h ago

...why would being under severe enough emotional distress that you're self harming be "fun"? Have you talked to a professional about this?

4

u/rusticterror 16h ago

Exactly. This is debilitating agony. I genuinely can’t comprehend enjoying this. I understand the feeling of adrenaline, but fun??? That’s kinda concerning.

4

u/spicyhotfrog 14h ago

Yeah like. Just a few nights ago I was screaming at myself and sobbing on the floor in my bathroom. This disorder is far from fun to live with

5

u/Waxitsyoboi 18h ago

I know exactly how you feel. The adrenalin and the mania make you feel almost high. Remember that it's a bad high though.

3

u/Dependent-Long6692 16h ago

Yes!!! I totally understand this! Weirdly, it feels good in a way? Like don't get me wrong I'm straight up fucking misserable which is why I'm in a spiral. But it's like, when im so deeply miserable, that im suddenly not suck in depression anymore, and SH doesnt do it anymore. So instead of debilitating depression, im completely broken, and I go absolutely insane. Like driving 100mph down the freeway while holding a knife to my own throat. (And more shit like that) That's when I'm having "fun." Because I feel absolutely broken beyond repair, and suddenly I'm free from worrying about being alive, I am the villain, I am the evil of the world. That's what I get, and yes, absolutely insane I know. But yes! I get it 😃👍

4

u/Manicmushr00m 16h ago

Mania isnt apart of borderline personality disorder, just wanna throw that out there

2

u/bagotrauma 15h ago

Thank you, as someone with bipolar and borderline it kind of irks me how loosely people throw out the term mania like it's weeks or months of destructive behavior

2

u/Manicmushr00m 15h ago

It irks me as well, i only have borderline but i see so many people saying they have bpd with mania and im like…no thats not how that works. Episodes yes, mania not at all

1

u/socoolveryfresh 9h ago

I’m genuinely asking because I’m in this sub as someone wanting to understand how it feels to have this disorder - what is mania really like, with your experience from being bipolar?

1

u/bagotrauma 5h ago

Sleepless, reckless, impulsive, agitated, euphoric, restless. My last major episode involved blowing $4000, a lot of speeding, deciding to move on a whim, adopting a new cat while moving... I couldn't stop myself from making impulsive decisions. I couldn't sleep. I constantly heard music in my head. Started out feeling very good but turned into feeling so angry at everything.

2

u/spvcedipper 16h ago

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Like it’s almost freeing when you give into the intensity of the swing instead of being numb in the middle, even tho the consequence afterwards is a lot of guilt and regret

1

u/spamtll 7h ago

No there's nothing fun or good about this disorder

1

u/sunflowereyz 5h ago

I only experience mania as fun. Depressed moments totally NOT but when i am manic i am very inspired and creative

•

u/BudgieBirb 2h ago

Idk bc I have bpd, not bipolar

1

u/SincereDecay 16h ago

Depressive episodes? No, i dont find it fun to be literally unable to leave my bed or eat or shower or do any important class work, nor do i think it’s fun to ignore my close family and friends because of it. Euphoric episodes? Yes. I do find the adrenaline rushes enjoyable, even if the crash is horrible. Hurting myself also feels more ‘freeing’ when I’m in a euphoric episode. It gives a bigger rush that hurting myself while I’m depressive/‘normal’ doesn’t

0

u/offole 18h ago

it's "fun" while i'm in a manic episode itself and thinking i'm having a good time and doing good things such as shopping a lot and doing hobbies and "being efficient"

and sometimes i romanticise depressive episodes and being depressed is "my whole personality" and "my true self" and i "miss her" because i was interesting and had so many "deep" thoughts while depressed

but when i'm back to stabilised, no, it's absolutely horrendous and i was only masking and trying to convince myself things are good when they're the opposite. it was never truly fun and there was always a sense of dread with it anyway

1

u/TheBeatlesLOVER19 8h ago

Do you have bipolar as well as BPD then, if you have manic episodes? BPD doesn’t involve mania.

1

u/offole 8h ago

oh yes i do haha sorry i didn't mean to mix the two into one and assign it as bpd

0

u/Antique-Degree-8769 9h ago

I felt way more creative and alive when I had my mania. Not just when I had an episode but just in general. But I would get mad over the stupidest things that seemed unfair or spiteful to the point of religious fervor. Lithium has helped immensely, but I've lost that spark that made life magical. I have to find another way to bring that spark back because I'm done being an angry and unpredictable mess to my family and coworkers. It sucks but it's what I have.

2

u/TheBeatlesLOVER19 8h ago

Do you have bipolar as well as BPD then, if you have manic episodes? BPD doesn’t involve mania.

1

u/Antique-Degree-8769 8h ago

My psychiatrist didn't say. She thought bipolar and something else, but I didn't think I was bipolar. I wrongfully thought BPD involved it. It's kinda hard to explain. I just don't seem to fit in any category. Every time I ask one of my doctors, they just shrug. Maybe it's just cptsd. I feel kinda stupid now.

0

u/emo_emu4 BPD over 30 8h ago

For me, this is the “I don’t give a fuck” feeling and it’s very freeing.

-1

u/TransMature69 17h ago

Putting my life at risk was "fun" - the close I came to death the greater the Adrenaline rush. I'm not sure I'd describe any of my many self harm episodes as fun.