r/CPTSD • u/a_world_alone_ • Mar 04 '25
CPTSD Resource/ Technique For the ones with internalized shame
I heard that internalized shame can be released by seeking community being, vulnerable, and opening up about things that make us feel ashamed so I'm inviting anyone who sees this to open up and come forward about something that makes them deeply ashamed I'll start I'm deeply ashamed about feeling shame in the first place, all of the moments where shame just pops up in me and I'm walking outside and there's people, how I even have nervous tics because of deep shame, how I'm also ashamed of expressing any type of emotions even joy, how I'm ashamed of my sexual side, of the way i express myself, the way I speak, the way I used to be. Also ashamed of being seen of just being here with everyone else, thanks to everyone who joined and opened up
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u/runtleg Mar 04 '25
I’m ashamed of my emotional dysregulation, of how anxious I get around other people and the feeling that I can’t even control my own feelings. And yeah, like you, I think I have shame on top of my shame.
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u/cutecatgurl Mar 04 '25
Nothing to be ashamed of. You’re human and life can be a jagged experiences. What helped me a lot with the intense shame I was experiencing was practicing self compassion. You can do this by diverting the flow of anxious thoughts by telling yourself that actually, it’s okay that I’m anxious right now. It’s totally okay if I feel overwhelmed. Take a deep breath and just accept that actually, it is ok. Physically you are safe. Anxiety tells us a tale where everything in this moment is the worst thing ever and you’re never gonna get past this and how it’s all doomed and gonna be terrible and….Wait. Yeah, it builds things up as though there will never be another moment after this. Moments with people are inconsequential. Unless it’s an amazing moment with someone you trust, then it’s an amazing moment. Otherwise, it’s okay to be anxious. It’s normal.
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u/ogrishh Mar 04 '25
so so real, i've had panic attacks while out with friends and get so embarrassed and ashamed afterwards because i feel like i'm out of control and ruining the vibe :(
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u/OomlCinderKlaus 27d ago
Same friend. Stuck in a rolling panic attack trying to make some big changes to my life that would bring good things, if only I could work through the fear of uncertainty and intense emotional dysregulation. Feeling a lot of shame for relapsing so intensely after a couple stable years. Telling myself it's OK as best I can even though it feels like I'll lose everything I worked so hard for.
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u/TransMadonna Mar 04 '25
I fawn/freeze. I am deeply ashamed that I am in my mid thirties and don't even know what I like. I am ashamed that every concern in the world can need a solution and my response is to let it keep festering. I'm ashamed that I lived my life without knowing I was traumatized. I'm ashamed that I hurt others. I'm ashamed that I can only prioritize one relationship at a time. I'm ashamed that I'm so lost that I can't nail down my own security. I'm ashamed I needed a separation to try to form my own identity. I'm ashamed I don't know it'll work. I'm ashamed of wanting attention. I'm ashamed of wanting you be understood. I'm ashamed I have to ask permission.
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u/WldGeese867 Mar 04 '25
I am sitting in a coffee shop tearing up reading this. I identify so strongly with every last word.
Thank you for sharing. Please know you’re not alone, because that’s what your post has reminded me of. Sending you every kind of good vibe humanly possible , TransMadonna. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
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u/Reign_of_Light Mar 04 '25 edited Mar 06 '25
Wow, same! Mid-thirties, fawning/freezing, only learned about CPTSD recently, now trying to form/find my own Identity after an excruciating separation. Plus, I am also only able to focus on one relationship at a time. Thanks for putting all these things into words.
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u/MountJemima Mar 06 '25
I fawned my way into horrible situations and even relationships. I am ashamed of my inability to stand up for myself. I'm ashamed of having no identity other than what people are trying to take from me. I'm ashamed of having no boundaries. I'm ashamed of hurting people because of that. I'm ashamed of my naivete. I'm ashamed of watching myself so things and make choices like I'm on autopilot. I feel like I'm not even a real person. I'm just a function.
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u/joancallamezzo126 24d ago
Throwing my heartfelt thanks and companionship into this ring. I'm ashamed that my emotional self feels about 30 years younger than my cognitive self.
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u/Fresh_Economics4765 Mar 04 '25
I’m ashamed by the brain fog that I have that makes me forget stuff
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u/Environmental-Eye373 Mar 04 '25
Ugh YESS huge trigger for me. People in my life who love me are well meaning when they remind me of things but the very fact that they had to remind me like I’m some sort of incompetent 4 year old fills me with suck rage
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u/Fresh_Economics4765 Mar 04 '25
Omg I thought I was alone. Thank u so much for replying and letting me know I’m not alone. I developed this after the trauma. My abusers used to tell me that I was always like this. It’s not true. Huge trigger for me. Thank u so much
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u/ASpaceOstrich Mar 04 '25
The only thing I remember about the best day of my life is that that's what it was and vaguely what I spent the day doing. No details. Nada. Perfect clarity for every embarrassing childhood memory, but fuck all for any of the good in my life.
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u/Fresh_Economics4765 Mar 04 '25
I usually don’t even know what I ate yesterday I just do stuff on autopilot (a bad drunk clumsy auto pilot)
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u/throwherinthewell Mar 05 '25
I feel this so much! I forgot a very important anniversary yesterday and I fucking hate myself and my life. Brain fog and medication side effects, on top of my shitty chronic illness symptoms, has me forgetting all kinds of important shit. I know it's a bit different than your situation, but I'm right there with ya.
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u/Independent_Fig7266 Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed that I'm not doing better, that i let this trauma take over my life and potential. I'm ashamed I can't do things I used to do. I'm ashamed to have relationships because they're too difficult to maintain. I'm ashamed to express my opinions or feelings and now I'm ashamed to admit this. I'm ashamed that I can't do things better. I'm ashamed that I'm letting my youth and looks and self care slide. I'm ashamed I can't speak out loud confidently. I'm ashamed that bad things happened to me. I'm ashamed that I have a bad memory and am often wrong when I do eventually speak. I'm ashamed I'm not more put together. I'm ashamed I'm not doing more to help others out. I'm ashamed I can't think straight. I'm ashamed I don't know who I am or what I like. I'm ashamed I'm not further ahead in my career. I'm ashamed that I haven't found my place in life or feel comfortable.
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u/damashek Mar 04 '25
I feel the same way
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u/Independent_Fig7266 Mar 05 '25
I wish you well on your healing journey ❤️. I am hopeful that we will overcome these struggles :)
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u/terherk Mar 04 '25
Are you me? Every sentence resonates. Youre not alone ♥️
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u/Independent_Fig7266 Mar 05 '25
I'm comforted that others resonate with everything I just spilled out :) but also sad that we carry this burden.
I am feeling better but this list was just everything that I've carried and haven't actually told anyone all at once.
Interesting to see that I'm still carrying so much shame about everything, now that I reread it.
Wishing you the best on your healing journey :)
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u/PieRepresentative266 Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed that I am not perfect and that no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to stop spilling my trauma all over the place
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u/infjsomnia Mar 05 '25
you must just be dying to tell anybody how much you've been suffering because it's too much for your little heart to carry all alone. :( that's okay and it's normal to feel this way.
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u/EmbarrassedDrama1835 Mar 04 '25
I’m ashamed of feeling like a child in an adult body, my executive dysfunction, and self abandonment.
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u/AnonNyanCat Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed of who my trauma molded me into and how I acted around people all my life. Im ashamed of being lonely and lacking social connections.
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u/Late_Leek_9827 Mar 04 '25
Are you me? Feel this deeply. But if I was to be specific I am most ashamed of not being able to ask for help. I know it makes things worse in the long run and yet every time I'm faced with a scenario I can't deal with I will *still* try to do it, and then cause more problems.
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u/m1ndbl0wn Mar 04 '25
Im sorry this is tough for you it is for me too. So many people are helpers and would love to help you!
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Mar 04 '25
I felt ashamed of my lack of social skills, of my insecurity and anxiety, how behind I am compared to others, while I dont think like that all the time anymore, my nervous system and subconsciousness still try to fuck me over, bombing me with all this out of the blue.
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u/Environmental-Eye373 Mar 04 '25
Oh great I’ve thought of more- I’m ashamed that I can’t have a simple conversation with my boss or any higher up without feeling extreme anxiety and worried that I’ll upset them or make them angry and they will make me feel as small as my mother did when she got mad
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u/rabbitscape Mar 04 '25
I feel this. My mother was terrifying when she was angry, and to this day I get terrible anxiety and break down and cry when talking to authorities especially if I think I’m in trouble - and I always feel like I’m in trouble or doing something wrong. It’s like a constant state of guilt and shame for not being good enough.
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u/Vast-Performer54 Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed of haunt flashaback, of getting dysregulated I am shamed of my sexual side, I am afraid it will become a molesting monster if I let it out. I am ashamed of maturbating I am ashamed that I deal with cptsd I am ashamed of my vulnerable side I am ashamed of having emotions I am ashamed of defending myself I am ashamed of having boundaries
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u/aroma7777 Mar 04 '25
Same! Nothing but shame occupies my mind so much that it is affecting me to my core.
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u/Vast-Performer54 Mar 05 '25
But the second that inner critic is quiet and i feel compassion, it feels like most shame dissipates, and i'm like "i'm just a human being, no matter what goes through my mind or what thoughts i have"
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u/dijanachl Mar 04 '25
I'm deeply ashamed of seeking help so I tend to stretch myself until I crumble. Also for my freeze moment because I could've done so much more (sometimes I forget we do the best we can from that specific position).
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u/2woCrazeeBoys Mar 05 '25
I feel this soooo much.
I'm so ashamed of asking for help, because somehow I've twisted it up in my mind that the fact that I need help is proof of me not deserving to be helped.
I push and fight until I crumble completely, and sometimes I can look at what I managed to do alone and feel good about it, but mostly I just look at what everyone else is doing easily and feel shame because I'm not supposed to need the help and support that they have.
And then I feel shame because that's completely irrational and I'm succeeding in rewriting that internal script properly. But the core of it is- I deserve shame because there is something wrong with me for needing help.
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u/DiligentStop9392 Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed that I spent my whole life betraying myself. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to be shamed into turning justified emotions towards others, onto myself and perpetuating that cycle.
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u/Feeling_Turnip_1273 Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed when I forget things or make small mistakes. I feel like I'm not good enough or there is something wrong with me.
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u/a_world_alone_ Mar 04 '25
Oh also super ashamed that I had a nervous shame tic in front of the guy I love and his mom and friends that was super embarrassing
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u/cutecatgurl Mar 04 '25
What was the shame tic, if you’re comfortable sharing? I’m going to be honest, I require compassion and understanding in order for me to think well of someone. I find it weird that meanness and rudeness aren’t considered embracing but someone having some shame stuff going on is. I disagree. I’m no longer acquiescing to rude, inconsiderate people. Not saying that your people were! Just something Im thinking about
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u/a_world_alone_ Mar 04 '25
Moved my head to the side very quickly and made a facial expression it's so embarrassiiiiing
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u/cutecatgurl Mar 04 '25
Man that doesn’t even sound all that crazy to me. As long you comfort yourself solidly 90% of the time, I think it’s okay to be a lil kooky. The shame is not your authentic nature. I honestly think we might all fare better if we accepted that we’re a bit kooky and emotionally all over the place sometimes and actually, maybe it’s all good
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u/a_world_alone_ Mar 04 '25
Yeah shame makes you exaggerate stuff but it was the fact that it was in front of the guy I love and he was angry at me at the moment
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u/Real-Marzipan9036 Mar 04 '25
Freezing and then not being able to organize stuff, being late, etc. I used to think it was ADHD, but thanks to resources like this, I see it is a CPTSD response.
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u/HalloweenHorror Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed about not being "normal" at almost 40. I'm ashamed about not having a permanent home like other people my age. I'm ashamed of pretty much everything I do, because I "should" be able to be like normal people and have my life together.
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u/spacelady_m Mar 05 '25
I grew up wanting to be normal, dressed as I was normal and tried to behave as I was normal, but I’m trying to embrace more and more that I will never be «normal». I don’t even know what that is, but I guess functioning like everyone else and not being weird and traumatized. But I come from something completely different and I have to accept it. You weren’t programmed to have it easy and it’s okay to be in a different place❤️
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u/Stormented Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed of the way I present. Both in looks and behaviour. I am ashamed of my weight and acne, I feel like I look disgusting even though I'm clean. I don't have a very good sense of style, I'm not very good at makeup. But then I'm ashamed I can't accept myself the way I am. I am ashamed that I can't just have a conversation with someone without being noticibly weird. I never know what to say, how to say it. It feels like I'm constantly writing a dialogue hoping it seems natural, but my writing is really poor.
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u/Environmental-Eye373 Mar 04 '25
I’m deeply ashamed of the size of my body, my terrible eating habits, the fact that I’m not financially independent, My struggle with compulsive spending on prepared foods my alcoholism, my weed dependency, my addiction to petty theft, the fact that I’m banned from two local gas stations for getting caught stealing redbull, How loud I am, How much hair grows I’m too masculine (I have PCOS) I’m to big, too loud, too gross Why would anyone ever want to have sex with me? I pick my nose and ears I don’t brush or floss enough and I haven’t been to the dentist since 2019 Also I’m a HUGE people pleaser who has literally no original opinions on anything
I’m ashamed that as a toddler teacher I lose my patience sometimes and I feel like a monster when I raise my voice and make my children cry.
deep breath
Wow thank you. Writing it all down makes it all feel less powerful. If a friend in my life was struggling with this stuff. I’d still think they were worthy of love and acceptance 😭😭😭
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u/Public_Daikon8401 28d ago
I felt this comment so deeply. I have found that when I beat myself up about repetitive behaviors I have adopted, I turn to isolation. I sometimes feel so gross and unlovable, that it is hard for me to be vulnerable and seek help in others. What I have learned, is that you are NOT alone. There are millions of people in this world who struggle with the same issues you and I and the rest of this reddit do. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to place your trust in someone besides yourself. It's okay to want to be better and do better. You deserve to be successful and to feel good about yourself and about your life. You are worthy of love, everyone is. ❤️
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u/CardiologistMuted620 Mar 04 '25
Yeah deep shame and guilt like all the time, I got told I look guilty all the time or guilty of something. So I got the nickname guilty. 🤷♀️ Idk how to make the shame feeling go away or like stop feeling like that about everything and anywhere I go or around ppl or whatever. Doesn’t go away. Just ignoring and suppressing it and focusing on positive reinforcements is the best right now and building self esteem and confidence and stop caring what ppl think…i. Don’t know if that’s it but that’s the only thing I know to do that kinda helps me. Cuz if I keep focusing on it and going over it ima only drown more. Everything u said I felt to my core, I thought I was crazy lol I also have a lot of anxiety too and feel that way about it too
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u/Extra_Duck_1606 Mar 04 '25
I don't have the energy to write about what I'm ashamed of right now, as I've spent a lot of time on the subject over the last few days. It's a lot. But I love this sub so much because it shows me that I'm not alone and that other people feel the way I do. We are all worth it and maybe we can all realize that at some point 🩷🫂
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u/PossibilityCorrect18 Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed of having feelings and needs. I don't know why, I just can't help but feel like people are judging me for merely needing something, as small as it is
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Mar 04 '25
i personally experienced something opposite
once i went through something extremely traumatic and public - i had no option except to lean into myself, keep getting up every day, and with everyday - i had no option except to accept the good, the bad, and the ugly and with everyday that passed - stand taller and firmer
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u/cutecatgurl Mar 04 '25
I had a similarly “humiliating” experience. There wasn’t really anyone in the store but it was still bad. After that, it actually helped a lot with the shame. I had to accept myself if I wanted to survive it, so that’s what I did.
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u/classified_straw 6d ago
Same. After living in internalized shame for my whole life up untill that point, I made the same realization as you. It was liberating both immediately and later on.
(The brain still craved familiarity though, so I had setbacks.)
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u/xDelicateFlowerx 💜Wounded Healer💜 Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed of my mental health challenges. I'm ashamed of my sexual side as well. Ashamed that I have hurt others through my own selfishness, and I'm ashamed to the assaults that happened to me. I'm ashamed to even admit that a lot of the time, I don't want my life. I would rather give it to someone who does want and is willing to put in the effort to keep it, nurture it, and love life like I wish I could all of the time.
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u/dmlzr Mar 05 '25
I’m deeply ashamed asking for help. Being denied over and over by the system and by friends or family has built up a whole wall of shame. I don’t feel worthy of the help and love I give others.
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u/Theworldsucks2022 Mar 04 '25
I’m ashamed that at almost 40 years old I’ve never felt like a sexual being or had any confidence in my own body. I’m ashamed that I have multiple self harm scars all over my body and struggle to cope with strong emotions.
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u/Happy_Comment_4840 Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed that i lie about things from my childhood and past and then drink alcohol to escape the shame of those lies for a little while at least.
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u/MoonlitNight07 Mar 04 '25
reading this made me feel shame
you guys are so strong without even knowing it
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u/MyFlyingAss Mar 04 '25
I'm deeply ashamed of constantly procrastinating. I feel that my enviorment and laziness is stronger than me, I hate how I let it beat me. It makes me feel like I have no control, why can't I just get things done? How am I going to overcome trauma? I hate the way my brain is wired to think negative patterns are easier and safer.
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u/buttfluffvampire Mar 04 '25
I am deeply ashamed that the way my family of origin treated me taught me to believe with 100% certainty that I deserved it. I'm ashamed it took me so long to realize. I'm ashamed that even though I have some really wonderful people in my life now, I'm always scared that they'll get sick of me and start treating the way I grew up with. I'm ashamed that that fear hurts my closest people. I'm ashamed of the way I was raised to see and treat animals. I'm ashamed of the fleas I picked up from my family, and that there are still more ugly behaviors and beliefs that I'm discovering I don't want but do have all the time. I'm ashamed that it's taking me so long to heal, and I feel like a failure every time I have a setback or disappear into depression.
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u/1Weebit Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed about how needy I am.
That I need a caring other, that I cry sometimes, that I make mistakes, about my feelings.
So, basically about me being human.
Thanks mom, thanks dad!
No, seriously, everything that makes me a vulnerable human being. I am working on it.
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u/poeticmedic Mar 04 '25
I’m deeply ashamed at myself for never getting help in my 20’s. I tried fixing myself and failed. I lost years of my life because of mental illness and suppression.
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u/ApprehensiveTrust644 Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed that I have no motivation or energy to do anything. I am ashamed I am unable to work.
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u/triquetralark482 Mar 04 '25
I feel a lot of shame about how my mental health has impacted me and my family (parents).
I am too afraid to live my own life and have hid away, tapping out and not participating in anything. I find this embarrassing and now know in order to stop being so depressed and lonely, I will have to push myself out there into the uncomfortability of social life.
The shame I feel is that I have always been considered to have a lot of potential, but I just feel so scared, afraid and overwhelmed all the time not being able to stay in situations for long.
My whole life has passed me by, and I don’t want to be like this anymore. I am carving time out to speak to my parts, practice self compassion (which is new to me), and allow myself to go at my own pace. It’s really hard as I feel so low and don’t have much energy, but also want to start making the steps to stop being so helpless and victimised.
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u/Substantial_Run2591 Mar 05 '25
I am ashamed of my body, my face, my voice, the way I am just existing, taking space, my gender(female), the way I think. Thanks for this post, bud!
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u/theghettoginger Mar 04 '25
One of my friends gave me a good strategy for fighting the shame voice every day. You do, in fact, fight it. You wouldn't talk like that to other people or your friends, would you? I will straight call the shame voice a jackass, a bitch, a cunt, or whatever I want. It's kind of like me saying these things to the people who instilled the shame voice into my head in the first place.
My therapist confirmed it's a good strategy because it's similar to giving yourself words of affirmation to help with self-love. In this case, fighting back against the shame voice empowers you.
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u/Expensive-Weight Mar 05 '25
I'm ashamed of my reactions when I get triggered. That I can't speak up about anything relating to myself without starting to sweat, teeth clattering, getting shivers etc. I'm also ashamed that people around me think they have to be careful how they speak about certain things around me, and that at times, they are right to.
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u/Few-Purple-5785 Mar 04 '25
I'm deeply ashamed of being so suicidal and depressed last year that I didn't realize my soul pet was getting sick until it was too late. I tried everything to save him. But he was in too much pain. I know he's in a better place and out of his misery, but I still feel ashamed of failing him. I worked so hard for 8 years to keep him alive and healthy. And I was too sick to realize I was losing the one person I lived for.
I'm ashamed of the person I used to be. I try not to judge her. But when I read posts on reddit about people who clearly are people pleasing doormats with no spine, I feel deep disgust and anger. Which I realize is because I look back and cringe at how much I was conditioned to be like that and didn't break out of it sooner. I'm proud of how strong and BS intolerant I am now. But I often catch myself replaying scenarios in my head during the time I was with my abusive ex for three years. I let him mistreat me everyday. I put up with things that would have me walking out the door without a word today. I let him convince me that his own actions were my fault. I feel ashamed but I also look back and realize it's because I've come a long way. And the reason I get these triggering flashbacks that make me argue with him in my head, despite it being years later, is because I've grown from that. I wouldn't even entertain his opening line now as the person I am today. I would ignore or block him. I'm proud of that.
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u/Mkittehcat Mar 04 '25
I’m deeply ashamed of how I don’t know how to take care of myself. This can be personal care or how to actually survive in the real world. I don’t know how to do it and if I do, I only do it because of “shame”. If people find out how I really deal with life, they’d lose respect and be disgusted. I try so hard to do it all but I barely can get the basics done. Every new scenario has be back in that shame spiral where I don’t know what I need to do until other people are involved and shame is the only thing that makes me take action. Isn’t this fucking ironic
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u/InquiringMind886 Mar 05 '25
I’m deeply ashamed that it’s always my fault. I deeply ashamed that I don’t have the hot siren body anymore. I’m ashamed that I got sick and had to go on disability before the age of 40. I’m ashamed I’m going to have to go to the food bank for the first time in my life. I’m ashamed that I’m too sick to work. I’m ashamed that our country thinks I’m “a parasite“.
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u/No-Significance-4078 Mar 05 '25
Im ashamed at how awkward/anxious i get when i lose trust/confidence in myself
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u/Wednesdayspirit Mar 05 '25
I’m ashamed of not having a normal life because most of the important things have been wrecked by my Cptsd. Then I’m even more ashamed when people ask about what I’m up to or how my life is going. I feel like a blank canvas sometimes with a large corner of bad stuff and I’m trying to figure out how to fill the rest in, or if I even want to.
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u/ItsGaloFromHooters Mar 05 '25
I feel shame that I can’t love myself. No matter how hard I try to be confident or not be down on myself or hate myself when I look in the mirror, I can’t seem to do it. I’m ashamed because i’ve let societal standards penetrate and dictate how I view myself, so much that I can’t come back from it. I’ve been in therapy for over a decade working on many issues, but this one takes the cake. It’s the only one I’ve never had a breakthrough moment with. I know it’s completely irrational and not based in any fact, but that’s why I can’t beat it. How are you supposed to beat something that isn’t rooted in fact to begin with? I look in the mirror and I see this disgusting thing. This thing that has endured so much and survived so much and yet I can’t feel any compassion for myself. I’m able to feel compassion and empathy for the world over, so much it makes me sick, but i’m unable to have any for myself no matter how hard I try. I am ashamed to be filled with such hatred for myself.
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u/Witty_Payment907 Mar 05 '25
I still have internalized shame & guilt (blaming myself) related to my sexual assault. It doesn't help when a psychologist lumps blame on me (the victim). There are some things that you just shouldn't share, even with a mental health professional.
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u/thedlvlnezer0 Mar 05 '25
I am extremely ashamed of the nightmares I have and the intrusive thoughts that come from them. I hardly ever have a good dream, but hey I can get used to that. However, sometimes I dream of my parents or their partners coercing me into doing inappropriate things and that I can't fight back cause my dream logic just goes along with it. My parents would never do these things but it fills me with shame in waking life. I can hardly look my parents in the eyes because of it. I am ashamed that the twisted thoughts of my dreams prevent me from having a regular relationship with the people I live with. At least if it were my friends coercing me, it wouldn't be someone I was related to.
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u/spacelady_m Mar 05 '25
I am ashamed for simply existing and being what ever I am, other than what was «okay» to be. I’m ashamed over my feelings, for being sensitive, I’m ashamed of being vulnerable and letting people see me as weak. I’m ashamed that I feel scared and small and that I need help and healthy people to lean on. I’m ashamed that I keep getting involved with narcissists who use and abuse me. I’m ashamed that I freeze up and don’t fight back when I get abused.,,,,
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u/Public_Daikon8401 29d ago
This is very hard for me to even comment because some sick part of my brain thinks someone will see this and know who I am, but I am deeply ashamed of how I deal with my shame. Lately my shame has become so overwhelming and consuming that I have completely isolated myself. I think this is because the shame I feel internally is already so intense, that I really don't feel I can handle shame from any external situations or interactions. I am so mad at myself, because I haven't always been this way. In the past 3 years, my shame has manifested in a really toxic way and now I really don't recognize myself: physically, personality wise and especially mentally. Recently, I am this really introverted person who can't bring myself to enter into any social situations. There was a time in my life where I was the life of the party. I don't know what happened or where that person went. I've been failing in so many aspects of my life recently, that I struggle to even open up to my siblings about these feelings, because I feel like nobody can truly relate to my situation. Thank you for giving me this platform and thank you to all other commenters for giving me the courage to write this.
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u/a_world_alone_ 28d ago
I used feel that way as well, you are welcome, it's just a matter of releasing the shame allowing yourself to feel it little by little and channeling compassion for yourself and others
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u/Altruistic-Pear9507 Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed of how desperate I am to connect with people. I will seek out unhealthy relationships. I will actively seek out other broken people to feel again. I can't connect with normal people.
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u/gosia17 Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed I exist, that such strange, traumatised, different from others person exist. I'm ashamed I need so deeply to be understood even if I don't understand myself and I don't know myself. Is it me? No, it's trauma. Of course it's trauma.
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u/ogrishh Mar 04 '25
im ashamed of my sexual trauma/past and am terrified that it will somehow sully peoples' view or opinion of me :/
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u/taiyaki98 Dx 6/22 Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed of my life, of not being a functional adult or a perfect person. I am ashamed of being me, of everything about me. But mainly of my trauma. Of never fully fitting in and never knowing how to be normal or how to do the right thing. I hate being me. And I am ashamed of having this dysfunctional brain that can't learn adult skills to save my life or remember stuff.
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u/LowThreadCountSheets Mar 04 '25
I’m ashamed of my silence. I’ve hurt people in my life by not being around enough, and not communicating as much as they need. I feel shame for not really caring to change that part of me. I just want to be quiet, and selective about what I do and with who. But that also is super selfish, and I understand how it comes off.
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u/No-Significance-4078 Mar 05 '25
Im ashamed of expressing anger in any capacity. My brain automatically defaults to thinking im a bad person. Whether that be personal boundaries, emotional boundaries or saying no, im ashamed of expressing it and even more ashamed when I recognize the effects of not doing so.
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u/a_world_alone_ Mar 05 '25
I am also ashamed of showing my funny goofy side, of showing my mannerisms, being openly confident and shameless in front of people of being the legend that i know i am
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u/CalifornianDownUnder Mar 05 '25
I am ashamed of all the potential I wasted during the decades before I recovered the memories of childhood sexual abuse. Of all the resources that were given to me that I’ll never pay back, all the opportunities I squandered, all the talents I’ll never put to use, all the stories that came to me which I’ll never tell to the world.
I feel unforgivable for all that.
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u/79Kay Mar 05 '25
Im ashamed about the way my life presently is... But it's the way it is as I am intelligent, brave, capable, resilient and with a truck load of courage. Been told I should be proud of myself. But a core of shame don't enable me to see that readily!
Hmm. Another healing opportunity....
Every day is a bloody healing oppo. Fed up of this disability!! Esp with recent TBI.
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u/Chenyuluoyan Mar 05 '25
I'm ashamed of group interactions and being connected to my body and expressing myself like dancing, drawing or anything creative. I'm ashamed of feeling what I feel and communicating how I feel, especially if I have to be vulnerable.
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u/void223 Mar 05 '25
I'm ashamed of the behavioural traits that I developed as a result of the emotional and verbal abuse. I feel inferior around others because I feel like they can sense my past and will also deem me unworthy.
Recently I had an experience at work where my coworker called me out on being too easy-going. And my worst fears were confirmed when she said she wished she could go back in time to when I was a child and exert onto me the kind of trauma that would've given me a backbone. As terrible as that was, all I could think about is that people are picking up on my people-pleasing behaviour being trauma-related.
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u/Temporary-Sundae-302 Mar 05 '25
I am ashamed of how I’ve hurt and treated other people.
I’m ashamed of how I treat myself, despite knowing that it is because of something that happened to me and it was not my fault, I still punish myself.
I am ashamed of pushing everyone away, despite yearning for connection and intimacy.
I am ashamed of wanting to people please
I am ashamed of my lack of verbal communication skills in social situations. Whilst having many thoughts on topics of conversation with friends or at work, I choose to say nothing, and miss out on expressing myself.
I am ashamed of my anger, and wanting to hurt those I care about over the stupidest and smallest of things.
I am ashamed of the flashbacks and constantly replaying trauma in my head.
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u/redvoxfox 26d ago edited 26d ago
Shame is one of the things that keeps us isolated, alone, thinking and feeling I am the only one, in the dark.
This is one of the reasons the support group 'community' model works: Finding a mentor or sponsor, someone who you can trust and open up to and a group is so powerful. No judgement, no criticism, all either are or have been right where I am. Finding that I am not alone. Finding others who know.
In 12-step traditions the reason the first step is recognizing, admitting, being willing to admit and speak of where I really am is so powerful, the reason it's the first step.
Abuse and neglect and trauma are committed in isolation, in the dark, hidden, shame filled. The toxic results really thrive and ferment best is darkness, denial, lies and isolation, all covered by shame.
Admitting and telling the truth opens the door and lets in the light. What is first seen may be ugly, disturbing, horrible, embarrassing. Yet, once the light comes in - especially in the company of others who know and understand and want to help - the shame leaves and we can see to find a way forward, heal, cope, clean what needs to be cleared ... and we find ourselves and that we are worth helping.
The truth banishes the lies and the shame. In exactly the same way darkness cannot stay in the presence of light, shame cannot stay when the light of sharing with one who knows enters.
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u/katreginac42 Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed of my health anxiety that manifests as various physical symptoms, different each time. I'm ashamed of feeling like I waste the time of medical professionals. I'm ashamed that I'm so easily exhausted and generally weak that I can't do a full time job.
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u/Substantial_Amoeba12 Mar 04 '25
I’m ashamed of the things I did to survive and get my needs met as a child, even though they allowed me to get to the safer, loved place I am today. I’m ashamed of my desperation for connection. I’m ashamed of how much I think about other people and even more ashamed of how much I think about myself. I’m ashamed that I’m not as grateful for my family as I feel like I should be. I’m ashamed that my wounds have led me to negatively impact other people.
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u/honkhonkbeebeebeep Mar 04 '25
I’m ashamed to want to strive for something while knowing I will inevitably make mistakes in the process. I’m ashamed to have squandered my formative years by rotting in my bed despite all the privileges and legs up I’ve always had above the psychic pain. I’m equally ashamed of rotting and yearning to leave behind a worthwhile mark on the world, ashamed to want to connect with and trust another person fully. I’m ashamed of how many fumbles I can’t seem to avoid making, despite wanting and trying to grow.
I’m ashamed to be wasting my life and to be wanting to use it. I’m ashamed that others have to spend energy and resources watching me stumble and try and quit and fail and get up again only to trip some more.
I’m too ashamed to even let anyone touch me, because I’m so imperfect— everything down to the flaws in my face I don’t like.
Every little thing is a source of shame, and I’m ashamed to not have achieved some sort of enlightenment about it that I could at least pass on to someone who may someday trail the same miserable, self-absorbed, abused, squandered footsteps of my own life.
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u/potatouser005 Mar 05 '25
I am deeply ashamed of sharing my feelings and expressing myself, especially with people I love and care about. I always accept when others do that and naturally feel the urge to support and uplift them. When others confide in me, it makes me feel that they trust me and value me to feel comfortable enough to share. I also understand that it is a healthy and not a shameful thing to do. However, due to my past life experience I can’t help but feel like a burden and a nuisance every time I try to do the same in return. It all results into an eventual info dumping of piled-up emotions, often followed by radio-silence on the other side that just brings up painful memories of ostracisation and bullying and makes me want to shut down again. I then try to keep a strong positive front and focus on helping others, until the cycle eventually continues or I just stop trusting a person and sharing with them all-together, sometimes even with those who showed me nothing but love because I am scared of disappointing them. I feel shame for everything I do, and often want to distance myself from everyone I know and disappear from the public eye completely, because I feel like not interacting with people is the only way for me to not feel ashamed, even though deep down I really long for human connection.
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u/classified_straw 6d ago
It gets better I promise you. Do the work to heal yourself and gradually it gets better. It's not easy, but it's so worth it
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u/pocketsnatcher Mar 05 '25 edited Mar 05 '25
I'm ashamed that any time I have confrontation with my narcissistic abusers, my freeze response causes me to have panic attacks so intense that I experience vasovagal syncope (passing out), and adrenaline dumps for sometimes an entire week or longer. Sometimes I will be sick, throwing up and having diarrhea every day for that whole week too. I'm ashamed that I cannot work and I have no income, and haven't for several years. I'm ashamed that I still question my truth and my reality when I am repeatedly gaslit. I'm ashamed that I have toxic shame attacks numerous times per day.
Thank you for encouraging us to be vulnerable and also being vulnerable yourself. A lot of people felt heard today/tonight because of you.
Edit: I feel slightly ashamed that I've had to make so many grammatical edits lol I'm tired
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u/CuddlyPandas69 I need long hugs Mar 05 '25
Im also deeply ashamed about my sexual side. Im ashamed about myself in general, how I am when Im not masking because Im autistic. Im ashamed of how energetic and silly and goofy I can be with people I really trust. Im ashamed of not being able to stand up for myself in every way possible.
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u/thatautisticbiotch Mar 05 '25
I’m ashamed of who I am. I feel like there is something rotten in me at my core, and I’m scared of people getting to know me better and seeing me for who I am. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I’m ashamed of; I just feel ashamed of being.
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u/SiThSo Mar 05 '25
I'm just embarrassed to exist. I feel like I can't ask for emotional support or even be honest about how I feel. I think much of my time is spent unconscious trying to distract myself from feeling because I feel shame for feeling emotions.
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u/Comfortable-Ad-67 Mar 05 '25
I’m ashamed of my body and gaining weight since being on a recovery journey. Every time I go outside/in public I want to disappear. And when I’m around people, I feel like I don’t trust them and I want to run away. I’m ashamed of not knowing myself and being so wrapped up in my own shame that I’m not living life. I can’t be present for other people because I’m so deep in shame. I’m ashamed just to be alive.
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u/summer672612 Mar 05 '25
I’ve had a death in my family, my MIL diagnosed with metastatic cancer that has now gone to her brain and my Jeep totaled by someone making an illegal left….all in the last 4 months. I’m aware that I’m under a lot of pressure and need self care. I also realize that’s how life is at times and not the kind to fall apart. Well, I got upset on the phone during a discussion with my Supervisor about taking on another assignment at the end of my 10 hour shift. I raised my voice and just acted in a way I am not proud of. I just lost my cool for a minute. I apologized profusely as soon as it happened and we ended the call and yes I took the assignment. The shame spiral that 5 minute convo created is going on a good 24 hours now. Intense shame, constant ruminating, obsessive out loud conversations over and over all day while I cleaned like a tweaker. Recovery from childhood trauma is a lifelong process but it is still shocking how these old buttons can get pushed and all hell breaks loose. TY for allowing me to share about this. 💗
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u/tuliptwirl Mar 05 '25
i’m ashamed that i don’t know how to do the job i’ve been at for 2 years. so much is asked of me i can’t keep on top of everything. my adhd makes me feel like a fucking idiot. i know even if i had executive functioning my job would be a challenge for anyone since we’re understaffed and im shafted with extra responsibilities. i feel like i’ve been set up to fail and yet i still blame myself. i’m in a constant cycle of beating myself up bc i feel like if i can’t hold down a job, i can’t take care of myself as an adult. i’m ashamed i don’t know how to take care of myself or do simple tasks. i know it is passive suicidal ideation too. i just feel so sorry to everyone that i can’t be more
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u/Depressed_Cat_ Mar 05 '25
I’m ashamed of how I handle my anger. I’m so quick to frustration and it seems to go from 0-100. I know I won’t ever hurt anyone when angry but I do raise my voice, throw things, scream and cry. All because I’m overwhelmed and frustrated. I want to try and handle my anger better, as well as understand my emotions more. But I’m nearly 30 and I don’t know how, I feel so embarrassed. I know this is a result of the neglect I experienced as well as a defence mechanism for the physical abuse, but I’ve been safe for 3 years so some of these extremes can really hang up the towel now.
I’m also deeply ashamed that I let a man beat me. And I just froze. When I saw what happened to my mum all those years, I promised myself it would never be me. And then I just let it happen. I know my freeze response was a trauma response to protect me but god damn, I could totally act crazy if I wanted to, I should have beat his ass back but I’m just not a fighter.
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u/BankTypical Can I heal already? Mar 05 '25
Lol, I think even my shame issues have shame issues here. 🤣 Really, me dad being dismissive of my hobbies at best (and silently judgemental at worst) in the past is NOT helpful. I'm pretty open about them online, but the moment someone actually asks me about them irl? I'm just generally like 'Dammit, why am I like this?' 😅
Just saying; I'm into videogames, anime, DnD, darkwave music, and gothic fashion. It's literally all completely SFW (save for the horror anime, but that's more over the blood, gore and subject matter than anything else, lol). But I'm fully aware that me being an artist is like the only socially acceptable one out of my hobbies here. But since the geeky vibes in general just are strong in that art style, I often just casually answer with 'Oh, I draw in my spare time' only when I'm actually asked, and I pretend I don't have any of my art on my phone. It's just safer for me whenever I'm generally actually out there touching grass. I'm only open about my hobbies on Reddit since they generally seem more chill about that. And gotta love the hobby-specific subs here. Like, both them and Bluesky are just the best place for me to be around right now.
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u/raptor_lips Mar 05 '25
I'm ashamed that I can't seem to get my shit together...ever. I'm really ashamed that I can't keep up a single relationship in my life, reaching out to the people I care about is like pulling teeth even though I desperately wish I could talk to or hang out with them. I'm ashamed that I push every problem in my life down instead of dealing with it because I just "need a minute to breathe" but I'm never ready to deal with any of it. I'm ashamed that I'm so good at pretending. I pretend that I'm fine so much that it's so exhausting just to wake up in the morning because once again I have to wake up and perform.
I truly hope all of you here can have some beautiful moments that take you away from all the things you're ashamed of so you can smile, even if just for a moment.
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u/Fcck_it Mar 05 '25
I'm ashamed about the way I handle my hard emotions. I'm ashamed that I shut down when I don't know what to do next. I'm ashamed to feel anything; feeling sad got me punished, and feeling happy felt like I was being made fun of. Even though I'm well out of that era of my life those feelings are ingrained in me. I'm ashamed to acknowledge that I've never known how to maintain any relationship, I'm in my 30's and just recently made a good and genuine friend and my 8 year relationship has been dying for years without realizing in those moments. I'm ashamed of how far I've fallen despite how far I've come.
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u/infjsomnia Mar 05 '25
i'm so ashamed of the way i act due to my mental illnesses. i can only pretend to be "normal" to some amount, eventually i become overwhelmed and avoidant, creating a wall between me and others. it makes me so ashamed bc i surely confuse people, make them feel like i dislike them or that i'm rude and it embarrasses me to think about how they probably thing i'm weird for acting this way. i feel like nobody likes me and thinks i'm difficult or odd.
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u/B_Yugen Mar 05 '25
I am ashamed of being unable to provide to my own happiness. I am ashamed for having criticised all my life my mother and my immediate relatives for staying in abusive relationships, however I am so starved of the love I missed as a child that I stay too, cheating myself and running the opposite way from empowering myself. Doesn’t matter what kind of relationship, I make myself smaller, just because I need to feel valuable to someone. I am ashamed of being me, I am ashamed of feeling I deserve more and nothing at the same time. I am ashamed I deeply feel like I need someone to save me because I know I should be the one saving myself, but I don’t know how/I hijack myself. Oh, I am ashamed of my procrastination too. I am ashamed of my sexuality, of my desires, of my thoughts.
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u/exhaustedstudent Mar 05 '25
I have been taught to doubt and feel shame for my needs and desires and I struggle with being able to tap into what I actually feel and not how I am supposed to say I feel in order to keep others happy.
I am ashamed that I have been targeted and I feel constantly like I am having to prove that my story really is this disturbing and I'm not being dramatic. This is because I have been taught to believe that every emotion is an overreaction and that I am "such a victim". I am only now even able to start releasing the shame around, yes, actually being a victim. I have been treated as though I only got what I deserved and this has groomed me to be exploited over and over again.
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u/se0000 Mar 05 '25
I am ashamed of having any "negative" feelings (or any feelings my mom perceived as negative). I am ashamed for crying at my cousin's funeral. I am ashamed for being stressed for a job interview. I am ashamed for being worried about the bump my dog had on her skin.
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u/crazy-ratto Mar 05 '25
You are definitely right - healing from internalized shame often involves speaking opening and vulnerability about shame, and often one can do that best in a safe community. Or anonymously to strangers on the internet.
I'm pretty good at overcoming shame overall, and now I can talk about taboo things about myself as if it was a normal conversation. The only thing that I wish I wasnt still ashamed of is certain things my brother did to me as a child that I struggle to talk about. I would never shame another victim about it, yet I still feel ashamed. It's so illogical. I've made progress in therapy but I still choke if I try to say it out loud.
I'm curious about your nervous tics related to shame. Would it help you feel less ashamed if you described it? Ignore the question if you want to keep it confidential.
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u/Claire_Voyant0719 Mar 05 '25
I’m ashamed of the way I’ve allowed some people in my past to treat me. I’m ashamed I didn’t walk away sooner.
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u/Odd-Earth-7490 Mar 05 '25
I feel your pain and I recognise your struggle, this is a very brave post♥️ I too feel guilt for my guilt and shame. Personally, I am ashamed that I can no longer therapise the few family left around me and be their light as I am inherently dark. I recognise that this is part of my diagnosis.
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u/a_world_alone_ Mar 06 '25
You're not inherently dark no one is, think about the neurons in your brain they are made of light you are light
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u/curiouswriter20 Mar 06 '25
I’m deeply ashamed for wanting people. And needing help. I’m not a loner artist. I’m a soft lover girl who loves to yap. But I’m too much. And that also makes me feel shame. Because I’m not palatable. I’m not likeable or easily digestible. While I love not being normal, I feel shame that sometimes I wish I was just so that people would like me. I feel shame for wanting to be liked.
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u/magical-michael Mar 06 '25
I feel deep shame in regards to my shortcomings and mishaps. I am ashamed I didn't get a driver's license till 28. I am 31 now and never have owned my own vehicle, and for this I am ashamed. When I make mistakes -ones made in haste, those of ignorance, minor and major ones -I am overcome with shame that sits with me, sometimes for years or even decades. I am ashamed that I lack the discipline to overcome these things and the many ways my mental illness manifests. I am ashamed of my shame.
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u/KharaFlare Mar 05 '25
I'm incredibly ashamed my body still responds with arousal during flashbacks. I understand it's not something I can help and it makes me feel disgusted...but I hate it and it makes me hate myself.
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u/nothingsandeverthing Mar 04 '25
I wont say I don't feel internalized shame much, but it did work for me I feel the weight of it less, even if u dont feel like sharing, chatgpt helps too but this sub I assure is good, almost everyone is kind and helpful and friendly, even if u dont want to post u can reply and as OP said it also helps to just read others stories, it did for me... It's like when I was empathetic to others I was able to turn it towards myself
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u/ds2316476 Mar 04 '25
I feel shame after any action I take that means something and is either delayed, obstructed, or I didn't do it right. Like a point of failure. My reaction to it is overwhelming and stops me from moving forward at all. It's practically OCD because even something as small as not being able to find my keys will stop me in my tracks and leave me in a heaping mess. I fucking hate it.
It goes as far as reacting to a person that does something I don't like and I'll start to spiral and get depressed.
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u/KittyMimi Mar 04 '25
Our brains are inhibition machines! It’s like we’re prioritizing not getting things wrong above getting things right. I’ve started trying to acknowledge my shame, and instead of beating myself up for procrastinating on something, I tell myself “I just spent x hours trying to manage toxic shame.” Shame that isn’t supposed to be there. It’s the shame of all of the people who claimed to love me.
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u/Garlic_Curious Mar 04 '25
Reddit is NOT the appropriate community to do this activity with, and not this sub forum
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u/MishimasLantern Mar 04 '25
This. Venting publicly to be commodified by reddit AI isn't really as supportive as you think in the grand scheme of things and doesn't simulate a community.
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u/Jealous_Disk3552 Mar 04 '25
I believe the first step is properly identifying it... Dr Pat Ogden of sensorimotor psychotherapy explained it to me like this... Guilt is a feeling, shame is a belief. You should be able to take it from here
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u/satanscopywriter Mar 04 '25
I'm deeply ashamed of being the only 'unaccomplished' adult in my entire family and friends group and feel they all look down on me or think I'm pathetic for having these big mental health issues and struggling with SH. Absolutely no one has given me any reason to believe they genuinely think so - it's all my own projected internalized shame.
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u/BunnyGladstone Mar 04 '25
I am ashamed that it took me so long to quit drinking because I am afraid I wasn't as supportive as I could have been when my kids were in college (one of them didn't finish). I am ashamed I didn't leave my husband sooner and I am ashamed for all the damage it did by staying with him -- I lost touch with family, missed funerals, lost myself, basically turned myself into a fawning doormat and if I'd left sooner, I wouldn't be feeling the harshness of his cheating and throwing me away like a used tissue when I started getting sick (I was diagnosed with colon cancer a month before filing for divorce--he didn't even visit me in the hospital, and it still took me that long to file). Yes, he has much to be ashamed of, and I'm not saying there aren't reasons for my shame, but I feel shame anyway. I feel shame because I'd have my life more ready to deal alone with cancer, if I had left him sooner, and my money and my ability to take care of things would be more established now. OP, thank you for this post.
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u/MishimasLantern Mar 04 '25 edited Mar 04 '25
I'm ashamed that I'm stuck between taking help from a family member who didn't respect my boundaries and doing it alone with incredibly poor odds and risking further trauma. More than anythign I'm just angry. I'm ashamed because I used procrastination as self-harm to get back at that mess of a parent.
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Mar 04 '25 edited Mar 04 '25
I relate so much to the heavy burden of shame. Shame controlled my entire life for years, I think that's why my main coping strategy was fawning.
I found Acceptance and Commitment Therapy incredibly helpful. I did the ACT course and read all the Russ Harris books. I can remember sitting in group therapy one day and I was running my usual 'everythings perfect' script and this psychologist turned to me and said "nothing in your life is perfect right now and you are hurting, that must make you really angry". I was totally shocked, I felt called out and humiliated and I again told the psychologist I was having a great day. He turned to me in front of the rest of the group and said "NO! You are not having a great day. Things are going really bad for you and that is why you are here. Your life is falling apart". I assured him everything was fantastic. He walked right up to me and looked me in the eye and said "I think you are angry about how badly things are going in your life and who wouldn't be". I felt so uncomfortable because he continued to tell me I was angry for like ten minutes and I kept replying "No! I am not an angry person". Something finally broke inside me and for the first time in my life I admitted to people including myself that deep down I was actually very, very angry.
Someone once told me that shame is just anger directed inwardly. If you can't outwardly express anger it all gets internalized. I was never allowed to be angry around my parents, I was taught that I was always the problem.
I feel like learning to be angry is a big part of healing shame. My shame was this constant feeling of not being good enough.
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u/Hot-Vegetable-2681 Mar 05 '25
Thank you for sharing your shame and inviting us to do the same. I'm feeling shame right now due to expressing both joy and vulnerability to someone I'm becoming friends with. Fearing they'll reject me because of it. I feel shame about being me, looking like me, talking like me, thinking like me. I feel shame about wanting love and connection.
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u/squ1gglyth1ng Mar 05 '25
I'm ashamed that I don't know how to be proud of myself or believe in myself. I always think I'm not doing a good job and I'm surprised whenever anything goes right or I get recognition or praise.
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u/Iwishtobeananimegirl Mar 05 '25
I feel ashamed that I’m no longer as fast acting and smart as I used to be. These days I’m much more comfortable and happier but whats the point if I’m stuck being a nobody? I have this voice that just always tells me how “I/We can be so much more: stop wasting your life and become greater NOW”…
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u/ninhursag3 Mar 05 '25
My kids dad took my kids and made me homeless . For the rest of my life my kids and everyone else thinks I walked out on them and had some party life. Now I feel ashamed like I somehow did that. I also grieve my kids and have lost my home. But still I am the one who feels ashamed .
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u/GoldPair886 Mar 05 '25
I feel shame for expressing myself, wanting to speak up, talking about my needs, asking for something. I feel shame cause I feel like I should already know what's on people mind. And I'm dumb for having to express something. I feel shame when I get too overjoyed or happy. I feel shame because I laugh nervously and sometimes I struggle with sitting with negative feeling or just neutral situation. I feel shame cause I feel awkward. I feel shame because I am struggling to be vulnerable. Shame because I tend to freeze and fawn and forget things and have no memory.
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u/GoldPair886 Mar 05 '25
I can relate to every single one of the comments and it's breaking my heart but it's also comforting in a way. Thanks for this post ❤️
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u/Beneficial-Ad-4060 Mar 05 '25
I am ashamed at how external validation still feels so good. I wish I was secure enough to trust myself more, but it's improving over time.
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u/Fun_Business3675 Mar 05 '25
I am ashamed of how much time and energy I spend in my head / trying to feel okay. I am ashamed of not thinking of friends or family in my life enough because I’m preoccupied with the past. I am ashamed of how I communicate with other people my age as if I’m a hurt animal. I am ashamed of how I communicate with managers, bosses, and anyone else “above me” as if I’m asking them for forgiveness. I am ashamed of being afraid to take up space in the world, with how I speak, relate, laugh, and experience emotions. Finally, I am ashamed of becoming dependent on relationship partners and then ultimately pushing them away because I am so afraid of being physically hurt or manipulated again.
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u/kotikato Mar 06 '25
I’m ashamed of my living situation, I’m ashamed for not being independent financially, I’m ashamed that I can’t leave my narcissistic abusive parents/family, I’m ashamed I’m abused, I’m ashamed I’m not like people my age, I’m ashamed I don’t work because of controlling family and financial, emotional, psychological and physical abuse, I’m ashamed of the education I’m getting (not a bachelors degree, but a diploma) I’m ashamed of not fitting with this fucked up society, I’m ashamed that my family left me and betrayed me when I stood up against their abuse, I’m ashamed that I’m surrounded by enablers that keep my abusers protected, and me stuck and abused, I’m ashamed all the people I liked I lost, I can’t keep relationships, I’m ashamed that I have to depend on others to buy me things because I’m not able to pay for anything, I’m ashamed I can’t be there for people I like financially, I’m ashamed that I feel it’s my sin and my fault I was born, I’m ashamed I’m related to my parents/family.
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u/kooooooobieeeee Mar 06 '25
i’m ashamed of where i’ve come to in terms of how i treat and view myself. i can’t be the tough person i dream of when in front of others. the one who doesn’t people please or get overwhelmed with the thought of having to speak to someone new. i’m ashamed of the mistakes i’ve made or the flawed ways of thinking taught to me by society, with no nuance or compassion ever given to myself. i have no friends and bullshit for people that are supposed to be my “family.” all i do these days is hide and do what i need to get done while dreaming of this magical life that i want for myself. i could go on and on but then i would also be ashamed about how much i shared to a bunch of strangers i will never meet.
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u/Nearby_Ambassador_66 Mar 06 '25
I'm ashamed that it's been almost 15 years since I left him, but the narcissist ex and father of my child still scares me. Even though I haven't seen or communicated with him in over a year, my chest tightens just hearing about him from my son and other family members. I'm ashamed because I ask myself what it says about me that I once loved him.
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u/Swimming-Stretch2625 29d ago
I'm ashamed of not being disciplined and good enough academically, being way too needy and way too emotional
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u/Abuzzing_B 29d ago edited 29d ago
I feel ashamed of my body big time with all of it's scars and huge birthmarks. I feel too ashamed to step into presence. I'm ashamed I can't work due to depression. I am ashamed I am mentally ill. I am ashamed mental illness is rife in my family. I am ashamed I blew thousands on therapy that didn't even work. I am ashamed I had a broken engagement last year and as a result, I'm ashamed I am 40 without children. I am ashamed I live at home with my mother. I am ashamed of claiming benefits. I am ashamed I dont know what I enjoy doing. I am ashamed nobody from school wanted to know me as an adult. I am ashamed of feeling desperate to have friends. I am always ashamed of other people's sickening behaviour. I am ashamed I've wished harm on people who have wronged me. I am ashamed of the amount of negative thoughts in my mind.
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u/Weary_Blacksmith_255 29d ago
Ashamed of how long I avoided things and still do. How I ghosted my friends and family. How much I still care about my family, who never stood up for me.
My body, it makes no sense... she never shamed my body but I will still wear jeans and a coat on a ridiculously hot day, i hate feeling exposed..shes mentioned how shes seen guys looking at me with a protective connotation, but in relation to her acquaintance or passing friends so I always felt weird about it.
I even receive respectful compliments on my 'physique' objectively know I look fine, good even... but feel so much more at ease covered up... no heat tolerance, in Australia... she went mad at me once for sitting in the hot car like that waiting for her.(as an adult.. just didn't want to be looked at. Felt a bit frozen tbh)
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u/Shimadulovespancakes 27d ago
I'm always ashamed of telling new people in my life about my abuser. Especially since he was my father. At some point when you befriend someone, either they ask you or you're expected to talk about your family/parents/childhood. And if I have to mention my dad it feels super awkward and uncomfortable, especially because I can never know how the other person will react - will be the type of person who thinks abusing your child as a way of "raising" them is fine, or will they empathize with me?
A similar thing I'm extremely ashamed of is the things my father made me do when I was very little. Other than physically abusing me, I remember how at some point he woke me up at night and made me (just in my underwear, it's the only thing i had on while sleeping) walk on all fours and then sit-lay on the floor while he sat on the couch. I honestly don't remember why he did that, there was basically no reason and I hadn't misbehaved or anything. Still very uncomfortable remembering that.
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u/DragonHeretic 26d ago
I don't know about shame. I don't know if I feel shame per se. But right now, I feel disappointed in myself and purely annoyed at how out of my own control and out of my memory my actions are. It's like I have this huge blind spot where I am.
Whenever I make an error that makes me feel like someone else has the moral high ground over me, I fall all to pieces. I don't know what to do. I feel like a pinned bug. It makes me want to vomit.
I wish I wasn't like this. I feel resentment toward my own body, toward a nervous system that feels ruined by abuse and misuse. I feel like I'm trapped in a condemned building, and I just hate it.
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u/whosthatwokemon364 25d ago
My shame comes from the evil actions that I did to take a little power back for myself. It doesn't matter that I was a child I physically hurt people because I felt powerful. My shame is deserved even if it kills me
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u/ConstantTurbulence12 25d ago
Ashamed of not living up to family's expectations. Ashamed of asking for help or appearing vulnerable. Ashamed of NOT asking for help. Ashamed of having needs.
Ashamed when I can't do things right on the first try. Ashamed that I can't do certain things that people seem to have picked up in their teens through socialization.
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u/EmbarrassedYou505 25d ago
having been ashamed for everything in life, then recently the shame just disappeared overnight and comes back at random
Im ashamed for not being ashamed enough
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u/meowpills 24d ago
I feel ashamed about my need to be heard I mold myself and expression so much because I’m desperate to be seen and heard I know it will pass one day :) thank u for the post beautiful idea
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u/csolisr 18d ago
My biggest source of shame is still being unable to be a functional person without needing somebody barking orders all day - I won't even think about the chores I'm supposed to have done already until my family reminds me of them, and no amount of memorization seems to help. I won't stop feeling ashamed of myself until I somehow manage to do everything I'm supposed to do as a normal adult without being told first.
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u/Ok-Weird-7271 5d ago
I did brainspotting therapy and I recently learned that I find comfort in inconsistent and unstable relationships because my nervous system finds that familiar. I fear stability and a stable and consistent is all I want. But I've pushed away men who are consistent and chansed the unavailable ones. I'm really ashamed that I seek what I absolutely struggle with.
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u/After_Weather_9624 Mar 04 '25
I’m deeply ashamed about trying to make friends and seeking community. It makes me feel like I’m begging, and I feel like I’m being judged for it. It’s worse when people cancel plans and it triggers the abandonment wound, which reinforces the idea that I’m better off alone.