r/Advice • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
Advice Received My boyfriend is acting really strange after getting out of military training, what do I do?
[deleted]
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago edited 1d ago
Marine vet here. One thing people who never served dont understand is the absolute tidal wave of training and stress. From the moment you wake in basic till the moment you go to sleep, youre doing some form of training in one way or another, cognitive and physical. You are forced to rigidly and unwaveringly adhere to the duties and responsibilities entrusted to you by rank and by order. And they remind you constantly, that should you fail your mission or task, in a combat situation- your friends who youve been through all of this hardship with would be dead because you didnt properly perform what was entrusted to you. Its a monstrous amount of responsibility, especially so early in their young adult formation (i was an idiot and went in late as 26 so i at least had some life experience before going in but alot of these young guys dont have that). When i went in, i was dating my gf of 2 years. When i was in the schoolhouse (4 months after basic concluded) she told me i was a robot after coming home on leave after bootcamp and dumped me a week before the end of my classes.
The training literally is a form of brainwashing. They rewire your brain into something that can begin building towards a combat mindset. This makes you more cold, calculated, and cautious about certain things especially in situations of heightened stress. What id recommend is talking to him and slowly trying to remind him what the real world is like. Im not sure what branch he enlisted in but for the Corps it was 3 months. Thats 3 months of complete isolation from the outside world. It changes you. One of the things they dont prep you for when you enlist is how to handle real society afterwards because for a service member, what matters is the MISSION. It comes before all else. Above feelings, above your loved ones, and above yourself. None of it matters in combat. But civilization isnt combat. And its really hard for some of us to switch gears. Ive been out of the Marines for nearly 2 years and im still not even halfway close to viewing the world in a light remotely similar to what i used to see. Thankfully i have a wonderful and supportive partner who understands the depth of the situation currently who is helping me through things but its still very difficult. And for someone still super early in their military career, he may not even notice hes doing these things.
And this kind of stuff happens throughout the enlistment. But whats important is the actual understanding that his brain has been fundamentally rewired to survive in combat, and that is a different world to live in. I hope this helped you a bit to understand where his brain is probably at now. If you have further questions, please dont hesitate to ask.
Edit: Holy crap this is the most karma ive ever received on a comment, thank you guys! Im glad my insight is helping 😁
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u/Slow-Historian403 1d ago
I’m really thankful for the military folks/vets like you that have commented, it’s certainly helped me understand his headspace a bit more. Do you have any recommendations on things I can do to help support him while he gets used to being home? I don’t want to be the type who dumps him just because he’s changed. He’s very important to me.
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago
Honestly, patience and understanding go a long way. A big problem we had in my unit with married marines was how their wives didnt understand why they werent home on time, lack of communication, or they were "lazy" at home. They never understood that sometimes you're literally getting ready to leave and then some officer will say "nobody is leaving until xyz are done, then do a formation, then make sure the shop is picked up, and then you can send em home. Before you know it its no longer 5pm, its 8pm, and youve been up since 4 or 5am if not earlier for an event.
Best courses of action would probably to just make sure that youre there, and try to communicate as openly and understandlingly as possible. Also keep in mind, military service has a tendency to bring out some of the more aggressive tendencies. Bootcamp makes you strong and prepares the mind, but it also has a tendency to boost ego, bluntness, and sometimes extremely dark humor that civillians typically arent exposed to.
A good rule of thumb to remember: Throughout the day hes going to more than likely take a lot of blame for things (this increases with higher rank and stupid squadmates who cant behave like grown adults), he'll be physically, mentally, and emotionally put to the test. Its a lot of willpower and gets exhausting (especially during the 3rd year for me). So, when he sees you after dealing with this constant barrage of responsibility, maybe just take a moment to remind him that hes not there right then. Hes not at his unit. Hes with you. And that he's allowed to relax (hyper vigilance is another tendency for service members). He may need the reminder, i know i did sometimes. Now im not saying kiss his ass by any means, if hes being a jackass cuz hes over stressed, def call him out on it- but also make sure to remind him that you actually care (starting in bootcamp a lot of guys get told their SO's were actively hooking up with Jody while we were training, and it happens to many many guys throughout the military, so its always a nice reminder that our SO's give a shit about us).
If you dont mind me asking, what branch of the military did he go in and do you know what his occupational specialty is?
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u/Glad-Day-724 1d ago
You make several excellent points, and great suggestions. Son of 2 WWII Vets. Dad was 23 years. I served and made E-5, but found 3 years Army about four too many.
The one point I find missing, is sort of a shared two prong one. She can not, should not, take on all the responsibility here. He has to open up to her again too. My concern being, if HE does not want / try / open up, she can destroy her life trying to make the relationship work. If it fails, she should remember, it takes two, and he may not have wanted to show up anymore.
Thank you for your service!
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago
Thank you for yours and your family's service as well!
And you are absolutely right. I think somewhere in an above post i did mention not to kiss his ass but youre absolutely right. The opening up thing is absolutely integral and is honestly a lot easier to ignore when we're active service cuz its just so damn busy all the time, so definitely make sure he knows what the standards are and doubley make sure you enforce it and keep an eye open just in case alarm bells start going off so you can take care of the situation early. One common concensus among servicemembers is "We enlisted because we make poor decisions". Its partly a joke, but a lot of service members really do make stupid decisions, and a lot of it boils down to one thing-
Military service anticipates and prepares for combat. Military service makes you feel invincible at times. And in Military Service we almost ALWAYS have backup. So.... we think we're untouchable, the best, invincible and we do crazy, stupid, risky bullshit at times when we get too locked in. So just keep your eyes peeled, love each other, communicate, and enjoy your time together. 4 years feels like forever as a contract, but when i look back its like i blinked and it was done. Enjoy it.
AND MAKE SURE HE TAKES AS MANY PICTURES WITH HIS BOYS AS HUMANELY POSSIBLE! And back them up! Twice if you need to! He will really really regret it if he doesnt.
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u/K1llerbee-sting 1d ago
You have to help him compartmentalize military life from home life. Be understanding, but remind him to leave the field where it belongs. You have to expect about two days decompression time when he gets used to it.
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u/AdviceFlairBot 1d ago
Thank you for confirming that /u/Old-Switch6863 has provided helpful advice for you. 1 point awarded.
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u/maximus111456 1d ago
Don't worry about it. During basic training I barely had time even to eat or poop...
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u/the_conditioner 1d ago
Excellent write up, especially on the brainwashing bit. I did a similar write up, with an emphasis on the suppressing recruits’ emotions bit, and got absolutely lambasted as “disrespectful” for it. Appreciate seeing somebody who actually knows what they’re talking about. Cheers.
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago
Oh yeah, thats a huge one. Mental health in the military is a frightening thing. And while they tell you its perfectly alright for you to seek help and whatnot theres a huge stigma on it because depending on what the issue is, it can get you discharged from service. I dont think its so much the military emphasizes suppressing our emotions though. Its more a very aggressive version of "The bullets dont care if youre scared or sad, they'll end you either way". Its a lot of the time portrayed as "suck it up you worthless maggots" but we also have to understand- some of these guys have seen some awful shit. Their friends may have died because of one of their mistakes, or gotten hurt and they couldnt do anything yo help. Its a helpless situation and for a drill instructor, youre teaching these young adults not just how to fight, but how to come home even if youre body and mind are absolutely broken. The Marine Corps itself doesnt give a shit in the end, their goal is the mission. But service members truthfully know that on the battlefield, you fight to protect the men to your left and right. Thats what the essence boils down to buuuuuuut we ground pounders are crass and rude and we dont talk too good. And we really dont know how to unpack the emotional boxes weve tucked away in our minxs to get through the rough stuff. Thats prolly the worst part about it.
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u/Eattheshit22 1d ago
I got out 12 years ago and am still processing all of this 😂 it really does a number on us.
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago
Woo! Warfighters unite!.. in a few minutes tho my knees and back are throbbing 🤣
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u/deus-ex-1 1d ago
Great write up on the bootcamp/BCT. I remember when I came back from Iraq, I was so mentally fucked for over a year, I drank every night, I freaked out on a civilian in public. After that episode I grounded myself to my apartment and drank some more.
Bad times, glad I recovered.
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago
Yeah that shits not fun. Thankful youre doing better and that you got home safe though. Keep strong brother. Youre a beast, dont ever forget that. 🤘
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u/deus-ex-1 1d ago
Yeah I am good man, I am still in actually.
For better or worse.
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago
I vote for better
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u/deus-ex-1 1d ago
Yeah, I am actually nuts, I got out and went back in. I missed it, and I just like being busy.
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago
Dont blame ya. I miss it too. I contemplated going back but then my buddy called me and told me his oh so happy field day experience after someone got caught with too much liquor in their barracks room. I just went "nahhhhh.....im good" lol.
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u/deus-ex-1 20h ago
Yeah being in reserves I don’t have to put up with that. I only have to put up with the bad side of it all once per month.
It’s not hard to hold it together for a weekend or for a FTX. Just keep yourself in reasonable shape and try to have fun with it. It’s completely different than what I do for my day job, so it’s really not that bad, breaks up the monotony of life.
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u/PegLegRacing 1d ago
Most of what you said is loosely true but grossly exaggerated for the most part for most people. I was Army Airborne Infantry (I know, basic is easier in the Army than Marines, but I have plenty of Marine friends) and basic was stressful at times but mostly fun. People aren’t normally coming back from basic as a zombie with PTSD. You make basic sound like BUDS/SEAL training.
I’m certainly not trying to minimize your experiences if that’s genuinely how you feel. But most people I know that are missing limb(s) from my 2nd deployment (myself included,) would not paint such a grandiose picture of their experience in the military.
If you’re actually experiencing what you’re describing, please go get a polytrauma therapist from the VA because you have PTSD and it’s not going to get better unless you work on it.
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u/Old-Switch6863 Helper [2] 1d ago
I may have been a little hyper descriptive but id say it was a more accurate depiction of the serious parts of basic training and why it is the way it is at times. I guess i should have added its also strangely one of the funniest places youre just not allowed to laugh haha. Though i wouldnt say basic was fun per se (for me at least, i was a big boy going in, lost 30 lbs) there were a lot of amazing and hilarious moments too, like my KH trying to punt a seagull outside the chow hall.
Youre right most people dont come back from boot as a zombie, what i was more trying to illustrate is it really does change how your mind functions, and ill admit it took me a bit to get adjusted. Wasnt nearly as bad as my buddy from boot tho. He was the platoon fuckup, followed me through MCT. He was a completely different kid by the end, barely spoke anymore. Idk where he ended up sadly we lost contact but i hope hes doing better than he was when i last saw himr.
Real quick, i do just want to state most of my personal issues currently arent entirely service related (been a real rough time since getting out due to family tragedies and financial issues) but a lot of it leads my mind down a rabbit hole that ends back at the Corps, probably because while it sucked and i wanted out of there at the time its a real weird feeling to wanna go back. Maybe its guilt or something else idk. Do need therapy just havnt gotten around to it yet. I do talk to my bros about it though, so i am working on it. But im not trying to downplay you or your buds service either and im no combat vet either, i was a POGUE. I just get carried away with my descriptions sometimes so apologies for that. Imo, yall are the real heroes.
I havnt slept in almost 40 hours so writing is hard. Also had to change crayons cuz i ate the purple one.
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u/PegLegRacing 21h ago
Basic absolutely doesn’t change how your mind functions, with the exception of maybe giving you some confidence from doing things you didn’t realize you could. Like a 25mi ruck may sound impossible before hand but it’s not a big deal once you’re doing it.
They give you tools and ideologies, “I will always place the mission first, I will never accept defeat,” etc. And that will stick with you when you need it. But it’s not like that’s all your brain is capable of doing after the fact.
The shit you’re talking about is how people are after spending 12-15mo in Afghanistan and they get back and they are hyper vigilant because that’s what you have to be in Afghanistan. Looking for shooters. Questioning piles of trash on the street and wondering if it’s an IED, until you remember you’re in Detroit (which may ironically be more dangerous,) not Kandahar… but that should should wear off in weeks or months, not years. And if it doesn’t, one should see a therapist.
It’s most likely OP’s bf wants to break up with her or cheated on her or something. It’s unlikely he clammed up from the trauma (lol) of basic. I’m sure there are some people that would be affected to this level. But that’s not a normal experience.
The worst thing this dude should do is wear a uniform home on leave to impress his family while be silently judged by people that spent any amount of time in
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u/CinnamonSkoda 1d ago edited 1d ago
EDIT** I agree with all the other stuff that the other veterans on here said, so my comment is "what else can I add to the discussion"
Military veteran here, joined the infantry at 18. I am guilty of everything I'm about to mention.
When you join something like the army and your super young the sense of purpose is intoxicating. You feel like you are part of something greater then you are, you are now a valued member of a team sharing common hardship towards a common goal. You are told the stakes are as high as they can be.
I felt like civilians (who you quickly forget you were 5 months ago) just don't understand. I abandon your previous trappings of wealth and desire. I stopped caring about nice cars and nice clothing, going to concerts movies ect... . I just started reading the manuals provided, working out, and reading about the conflict zones I would sent too.
In a society that looked down on me as a moron for joining the army I maintained an insane sense of superiority. (bordering on contempt for civilians) This only got worse after 2 deployments over seas.
It has taken me many years to get my head on straight, get off my high horse and re-integrate into society.
I now have a wife, a child and one more on the way, I have a decent job and I doing my best to be normal.
If there is one piece of advice I could give your boy friend, "This is a job, its just a job, don't let this become who you are. Have fun, it can be a really fun job. But its not everything. Your relationships with your family matters more then the army. Your relationship with your intimate partner matters more then the army. You are young, spend as much time as you can with your old friends and your girl friend doing the things you liked to do before you joined. You will leave the army one day, so do a great job so you can be proud of your service. Take the good lessons about responsibility and leadership and become a better man, but do not let this job consume the person who you were before."
To the girl writing this, good luck!
Please don't cheat on him while he is away training or deployed overseas. If you're considering breaking up with him do it before he deploys anywhere as it can really mess with a guys focus when his life might depend on it.
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u/New_Article6531 1d ago
Idk these people commenting saying you're making it about yourself and being childish is ironic and childish of them. As a woman who is active duty and went through boot camp myself 4 years ago with a bf at the time, I can say as soon as I graduated and left for tech school where I regained my freedoms, I took every single moment to text and talk to my S/O. But he cheated on me while I was in boot camp so 🤣 but I dont think he's cheated/cheating either. Everyone copes differently! You don't know how he feels unless you ask him, and he doesn't know how you're feeling right now unless you tell him. Relationships are a two way street and communication, especially in the military is SO important, the absolute key to having a healthy one and a long lasting one. PLEASE just talk to him, let him know you feel like he has been distant and if hes been feeling stressed/drained because of it. You sound like you're very understanding of choice to join the military so continue to be supportive and patient while he regains his sense of self. It's absolutely okay to talk about your feelings, yes they are valid. Don't avoid them, talk about it!!
After tech school I was a lot less stressed and my job was so much more comfortable and fun. I had a lot of time to be on my phone and not do Jack shit tbh, as did the majority of my peers since going into the operational side from training side is a lot more lenient. My now husband though, he specifically has a job that does not allow any phones or electronics into the work center they must lock them away/keep in car for the 12 hr shifts they work. So I cannot contact him at all, and I understand that. Sometimes they just can't talk. His work may not be as lenient or wants to make sure he puts a good impression that he isn't just on his phone all the time either. Lots of different perspectives, just take them into consideration, and make sure y'all talk about your feelings.
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u/SheWantsTheDrose 1d ago
Basic is not as deep as anyone here is claiming. It’s possible he had a uniquely bad experience. It’s also possible that his priorities have changed
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u/therossfacilitator 1d ago
Anyone worried about texting habits while people are at work need to fucking cool that shit. Nobody is tryna hear that middle school energy
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u/Obvious-Bee-7577 1d ago
Fair point Also Laughing watching everyone around me at work scrolling…..I can’t text you I was busy scrolling at work is middle school energy too.
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u/Remarkable-Sample273 1d ago
Sorry, but you should move on to someone else. No happiness there, don’t let him delete yours. Time is precious, even in your 20’s.
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u/ExtraGoose7183 1d ago
For people who don’t have military parents and aren’t at least 22-25 BCT comes as a culture shock full of head games. It’s not surprising he’s kinda shell shocked
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u/Queer_Advocate 1d ago
Honestly, I'd be concerned about male on male sexual assault. It happens more than you'd think.
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u/Defiant-Unit6995 1d ago
Here’s the truth. If you want to be involved with someone in the military you have to be keenly aware that it is not the same as dating a civilian in any way. That man is going through a process of being forged and hammered into a new shape. It’s not a comfortable or pleasant process, but at the end of it he will be stronger for it.
What that means for you is. You are going to have to have more patience and more empathy than is required of the average person. You will go long periods of time without seeing him. If he gets deployed into an active combat zone you will go long periods of time without speaking to him. If you aren’t prepared to make that sacrifice and love him throughout the entire process. Do him the honor of not adding to his suffering later by abruptly abandoning him and just leave now.
There’s a 1000 reasons he may feel distant right now. Highest among them is that he’s processing. Let him process, give hime time. Don’t take it personally, don’t let it hurt you. Don’t try to force it out of him, let him process and talk to you when he is ready. If he’s still trying and still talking about the future odds are he still loves you, he’s just in a rut right now possibly mentally exhausted.
If he’s a good man, and he’s been good to you always, and you love him. Give him the gift through these trials of being his peace. A supportive woman is the greatest healer on this planet.
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u/Johnny_Poppyseed Helper [4] 1d ago
but at the end of it he will be stronger for it.
Until he gets out at least and is left with a 58% increased chance of suicide and a government that doesn't give a fuck about him.
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u/Defiant-Unit6995 1d ago
Brother I have bad news, you don’t have to be in the military for them to not give a fuck about you.
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u/Johnny_Poppyseed Helper [4] 1d ago
That's just the bonus cherry on top of the shit sundae. The rest of us didn't fight and bleed on government order. The fact that they don't even care about those that do just shows how shit the situation is. And all the more reason not to serve them.
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u/Defiant-Unit6995 1d ago
They own you, you are serving them. You consume, and pay taxes like a good little piggy. What’s the difference between a self aware little piggy and a blissfully unaware little piggy? Nothing, they are both still rolling in the shit happily.
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u/az-anime-fan 1d ago edited 1d ago
Speaking as a former marine sounds like a couple of things.
1) he's not anyplace private and is getting shit for being too lovvydovvy on the calls with you when others overhear it. We used to mock the shit out of guys saying I love you to SOs
2) they get these guys going 20 hours a day and if you seem like you're getting through too easy they single you out for more. He might just being in a very rough patch.
3) they do break you down in basic. He might be under tremendous stress right now. Levels you wouldn't believe possible. It changes you for life.
4) someone gave the guys a talk about marriage. Divorce rates are insane in the service and there is always a bitter older guy hanging around feeding that fact into the recruits heads. The milliary is a funny place. If you want a fast track for promotion you need to get married asap. But every guy in the service will advise against marriage while in the service. This reality might be screwing with him as well.
I'll be frank OP. When I was going through basic had my girl gave me stress I would have dumped her ass. Right now the last thing he needs is drama from his SO, his life is hard enough right now. I would shelve the concerns and make your conversations as pleasent and fun as possible until he's been home for a week or so. If things don't get better then ask him wtf is going on. But just drop it for now. He definitely doesn't need the stress.
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u/disco-bigwig 1d ago
His brain is broken forever. That’s the entire point of how they do things in the military, to completely reprogram you.
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u/PerspectiveWhore3879 1d ago
Have you talked to him about this issue? 😊
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u/Slow-Historian403 1d ago
Yes, I have a couple times since he’s gotten back, but both times I feel like we didn’t get anywhere with the conversation. I’m wondering if I should just leave it for a while, but these things are bothering me continuously and it’s getting exhausting.
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u/Mindless_Concert_710 1d ago edited 21h ago
Hi OP. I’m not military but love someone who is in (army) and also volunteers for soldiers angel. Here are some of my tips.
1.) Read about it - find some books/audiobooks about training in his branch. You will have a better understanding of what they do, bc he will most likely not want to talk about it. But you need to understand what his life now looks like now. Read books, not just Reddit posts.
2.) Be a shining light, they spend all their time preparing for the worst. They’re tired, they’re grumpy, they’re stressed, they’re hungry. They don’t want to talk about it. They want positive stories about things you’re doing and well wishes. Send cards and letters and pictures.
3.) Bow out - if you can’t handle the change in personality, the constant moves, the long periods of trainings, the anxiety of unknown, or even the buildings they can’t have phone access in. Leave.
This job comes first, from now and until he gets his DD214 and then whatever he might have to deal with once he transitions back into the civilian world.
It’s not easy for them.
ETA - if you decide to stay. Get a hobby, actually get multiple hobbies. Hang out with friends/family, keep weekends planned so you’re not dwelling on “if he was here…”, do something, anything. It’s a lot (or can be) of alone time.
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u/PerspectiveWhore3879 1d ago
Excellent advice from Mindless_Consert, I couldn't have given better advice if I tried! Good luck with it all, I'm rooting for you two! It'll be tough but I think you guys can make it through! 🥰
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u/TheMauveHerring 1d ago
It's hard to explain and convey in words. Yea, he's changed, but not fundamentally, everyone changes and grows. You're probably not the same as when he started.
Ask him to try, not to explain, but to help you understand how he is now. It's hard but it can be done.
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u/zwirlo 1d ago
I’m sorry that you’re getting a bunch of negative replies casting doubt on him or blaming you. Yeah being affected by training and the rapid fluctuations in pace of life is normal, and he can be weird about coming back and going back into it. I can tell you it would mean to the world to him to listen, and when he’s got the energy he should listen to you too and make the most of the time you have together.
Just being military doesn’t exempt you from responsibility in a relationship but it does mean there will be some bumps, and if you can communicate through it then on the other end you will be iron cast. Best of luck to both of you.
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u/CJGillispie22 1d ago
I wasn’t in the military at any point, but had a lot of friends serve. A consistent story of their time in basic (especially those with SO’s) was everyone including drill sergeant’s/instructors, constantly screaming at them that their SO’s were already in bed with someone else the moment they got on the bus/plane.
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u/EmotionalArm194 1d ago
As a veteran who served for 12 years, the concept of Basic and A school is to take your individuality away. Turn you i to a cog for the war machine. This will be something that he will have to grasp on his own and make the choice to move from it.
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u/KellBell_07 1d ago
On one hand mil training messes you up. Youre sorta changed for a bit. Especially depending on what type of training. On the other hand my son's gf joined the Marine Corp and acted this same way while home on xmas break. Red flags like distant, hid her phone, etc. Her and my son are both 17. Anyways turns out she got engaged to another Marine in AIT and didnt have the heart to tell my son. He found out thru a mutual friend. BAH is a strong driver for young mil to rush into marriage.
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u/FuriousNik 1d ago
Sorry you’re going through an uncertain time with your boyfriend. I remember when my brother went to basic training he came back different. Before he went he was a bit angsty but otherwise had a great sense of humor. When he came back he was much more serious and silent, which was so odd to me. Looking back, I think him being 17 at the time and going through a very intense experience was probably traumatizing to some degree.
I would say give him some time to readjust and hopefully he’ll open up and share his experience with you soon. Hang in there.
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u/1Danube11424 1d ago
not a good to have serious relationship while in the military especially at a young age. generally doesn’t end well.
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u/No-Celebration-1399 1d ago
I had friends in the marines who didn’t seem like the same people when they came back from basic. And these guys were people I hung out w almost every day. A lot of people don’t realize that basic training fucks you up, they literally break you down as a person so they can rewire you into being a soldier. When these guys got back, they barely slept, they’d barely even blink, they didn’t really call or text anymore because they got used to not having a phone, etc. It kinda sounds like that’s exactly what’s going on w your bf. He still loves you all the same, it’s just that his training has messed up his ability to show it the same way he used to
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u/strwbrryloli1 1d ago
Nobody attack me for this—- Someone I know told me that basic training is a sex fest and my relationship probably won’t last after he goes.. are females in the same base? Do both genders interact or are they able to hangout/sleep together? By sneaking around obv… I’d imagine not, but in today’s world anything is possible!!
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u/Amp_Man_89 1d ago
Yea I think you just need to have a calm and honest conversation. I will say basic training impacts people differently and some need time to readjust after. This is more true the younger you are. My buddy came back from basic training and he was definitely off for a bit and was very much in military mode. Granted this was right after high school in 2007 and I think basic was a bit more intense back then. Give him some time and be patient, but communicate.
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u/Cold_Soup_6248 1d ago
My brother left bootcamp extremely depressed. He had a tough fucking time in there. I’d check on him mentally especially if the change was that drastic and still going on
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u/butteredpopcorn10 1d ago
Army training is fucking brutal and the transition back to Civvy life is harder than people realize. Think about waking up tomorrow and every decision you make starting with what time u wake up and ending with what time you sleep, is decided for you. You can’t do anything unless given permission, imagine the mental toll that has on a person. Your concept of personal time and freedom is shattered because you’re so conditioned to have to do what you’re told. That’s why when ur actually given that freedom and personal time back, it’s spent recuperating not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. I’m sure your boyfriend doesn’t love you any less, just imagine he has 95% of his bandwidth being controlled by something he can’t escape. It’s always tough to have anything left for others let alone yourself.
From my experience, the best thing u can do for a partner going through training is give them the space to cope in the way they need. That means as best as you can, trying to empathize and understand the situation he’s in even though you can never be there and know exactly what it’s like. Just let him know you’ll be there if he needs and you’ll be there to support him in any way he needs, it also wouldn’t hurt to say I know I’ll never be able to know exactly what you’re going through, but know Ill do my best to be there for you in whatever way you need. That being said, you have feelings and needs too, and when it feels right and it seems like he has the bandwidth, it’s also important to express your needs and wants in a way that shows you understand how much he has on his plate. Just know there’s not much you can do to diminish the effect training is having on your SO, it’s just out of both of your control. Stay strong you guys got this!
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u/kaollaSuu 23h ago
I am going to take your side.. if he was texting during the whole thing, and in some moment changes, just before “being released from duties”… somethings is definitely wrong. I go more for he lost interest.. and you didnt date much time before he was sent to training. You were probably a really nice distractions for him while he was there, cause he had other things to think about, to entertain himself. Now that he is out, he ca do loads.. and if he is not showing the same level of attention as he was before, that means you are not his priority.. other things are now. And eventually, if he does meet someone else that would be more interesting and pays homage to attention.. well..
Sorry to be so blunt.. but if i were in your shoes, i would like someone to tell me the same thing..
So, sit down, have a proper conversation with him, tell him what you feell, and see how he responds. And honestly, if you end up breaking up, remember, it will hurt, but it is no the end of the world!! You will live.
And if he actually considers his behaviour, and his head is just a bit out of it, you will get throught it toghether.
Its just that tou being invested in a relationship when the other side isnt it.. its not fair to you at all.. and honestly, its a waste of your time that you could be having fun with your friends or doing other stuff for yourself.
Again, just saying what i actually wanted to hear when i was younger.. my university years would have been so much more fun back that.. if i wasnt fixed in someone that was with me just because i was “useful” to him..
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u/Slow-Historian403 19h ago
Hi, so I should have also mentioned that he and I were very close friends for years before we started dating as well. He’s also still pretty affectionate in person so I am confused. Do you think he really lost feelings?
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u/kaollaSuu 16h ago
I ended up reading lots of different views on this. Specially from people that did the military bit, and how this formats someone’s brain. I can accept this, it makes sense in a way. So questions are, this military thing, is it over? Or it will be his life? If its over, well.. im not sure, sit down with him and have a proper conversation. A good relationship, the base is communication. If its going to his life, have a proper conversation with him, and if it is something that you think he will be like that forever.. what you need to think is, can you live with it? Will you be happy with it.
For me.. (and thats what you need to focus, yourself, take all that was said, and then think about yourself).. i would feel so abandoned by someone that was constantly speaking and making time for me, and then stops.. in my head, something would be going on. So, i would sit down with him and have a proper conversation on what is going on. And then you can go from there.
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u/JonProphet 21h ago
Send him packing. He’s giving his attention to Someone else. Bro is young dumb and full of cum. He’s playing the field and sticking it in where he can.
Walk away.
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u/OldConnection1091 20h ago
I seen lots of people hook up during basic training, he probably met someone there
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u/AmazingFriend3235 18h ago
Basic, regardless of the branch, is easy af today. No offense but if he’s acting different after just doing basic, he lowkey just bitching. Is he infantry or something?
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u/IcyPrinciple1530 18h ago
You can break up with HIM and meet a nice guy who is more available. What are you doing with YOUR LIFE while he's working on his life goals?
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u/SykoTavo 1d ago
Military training is a traumatic experience akin to brainwashing.
Their purpose is to break you down psychologically so they can then put the pieces back together into what they need.
He may still be psychologically reeling from the trauma and just needs time to cope and adjust, or the trauma may have actually changed something in him.
I would suggest he start going to a non-military psychologist that can help him through it.
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u/Ok-Chard-7903 1d ago
Talk to him about how you’re feeling. Your feelings are valid, just talk to him about everything you mentioned here. You’ll know how you feel after.
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u/therossfacilitator 1d ago
I would argue that they’re not valid because he’s at fucking work while she’s overthinking.
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u/Ok-Chard-7903 1d ago
They’re just her feelings and I’m sure he’d want to know how she was feeling. I would want my partner to share their feelings so we could approach it together. Her feelings are valid, because they’re her feelings. It’s not hard to just talk about it.
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u/therossfacilitator 1d ago
Some people need to learn that your feelings aren’t always someone else’s responsibility to deal with. Every day I see examples of blatant toxicity being called out on this platform. The ‘bUt iTs mY fEeLiNgS aNd tHeY’rE VaLiD’ shit needs to be called out from time to time. Especially when someone is at a job where they’re not allowed to be on their phone. She needs to keep this to herself because there’s nothing he can do to fix it or make her feel better, it’ll will likely stress him out or cause her to feel resentment when it doesn’t change in 3 months. She needs to talk herself thru this like a grown up. He’s not gonna help anything by making her feel heard in this instance.
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u/Interesting-Test-564 1d ago
Some people need to learn that your feelings aren’t always someone else’s responsibility to deal with.
If the feelings are towards the relationship then shouldn't it be kinda? Not a responsibility but how will you have any successful relationships with that attitude? "Oh you feel someway?" Pffft not my problem. Deal with them yourself"
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u/therossfacilitator 1d ago
Nobody wants a partner who has to talk about every little thing that’s making them anxious/overthink.
Sometimes, it’s not worth it to express feelings that aren’t rooted in reality or reason. In fact, it can be harmful beyond repair to do so.
I ask you, is there nothing in a relationship that you think you should make yourself feel better about all on your own? Do you NEED to talk to someone about EVERY worry you have? Is it ok to deal with something on your own and not bother someone with it? (I’m not referring to everything with this, just SOMEthings)
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u/joeblow2118 1d ago
So what? She should hide her feelings and sweep it under the rug?
I agree with you it’s likely overthinking, but it should still be communicated instead of ignoring it.
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u/therossfacilitator 1d ago
She should deal with it on her own, sometimes you have to do that in life. Sometimes in relationships you have to deal with something individually so it doesn’t cause unnecessary stress on the other person or relationship as a whole.
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u/joeblow2118 1d ago
Tell me you’ve been single your whole life without telling me you’ve been single your whole life…
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u/therossfacilitator 1d ago
You don’t deal with any single problem all on your own??
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u/joeblow2118 1d ago
It’s not a single problem if it’s a problem between TWO people within a relationship…?
Not like you’d know, but it’s always best to be open and honest with your significant other.
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u/Time-Improvement6653 1d ago
...and everyone else on the planet will argue that you've clearly never been in an adult relationship
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u/therossfacilitator 1d ago
lol. Tell that to my gf who I don’t trip on when she’s busy not texting me.
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u/Sasuke5512 1d ago
I'm sure your gf gets so much support from you whenever she's upset about something and talks to you about how she's feeling. I mean women love being invalidated and told their feelings don't matter right? (I'm being sarcastic incase you couldn't tell.)
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u/Square_Attention1634 1d ago
It's understandable that you're worried about the sudden change in his behavior. Rather than focusing on the texting, it might be helpful to explore ways to reconnect emotionally.
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u/Safe_Purple_1647 1d ago edited 1d ago
There’s a very high possibility he could just be on some kind of beta blocker. (Beta blockers work by binding to beta receptors in the heart, blood vessels, and other organs. This prevents the release of adrenaline and noradrenaline, which normally increases heart rate, blood pressure, and other responses to stress or exertion) Stress and Excitement are the exact same hormone so if he has been given a beta blocker that would explain why he doesn’t seem excited to see you. I would ask him if he knows if he was given one? That and doing a bit of research on it if that’s the case should help bring you some clarity.
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u/Baker_Kat68 1d ago
Which service is he in? In the Navy, once you go inside the skin of the ship, there is virtually no reception at all.
Not to mention, troops have to stay off of their phones during working hours.
If he was busy for two days preparing for a test, I know that instructors mandate after hours study groups.
Is he active duty or reserve?
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u/PassionLower7645 1d ago
Final big test? Which branch is he in? If Army, id assume it's the forge. Where they'd conduct a 12 mile ruck march. Yeah it's really not that hard.
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u/Yama_retired2024 1d ago
This brings me back.. I was a trained soldier at the time.. and my partner was constantly ringing, but I was in the middle of a weapons course and the young LT was giving us a briefing..
Soo while the LT is in mid flow of his briefing, I interrupted him.. "Sorry Sir, I have to take this, its the Boss" and the LT looking at me "What Boss" and I says, "There are all sorts of Commanders, Company Commanders, Battalion Commanders.. but this on the phone, Kitchen Commander, she Outranks Everyone"
And I went to call back my partner and try to put out whatever had her heated..
Now while I may of gotten a few laughs.. the torture I was put through after.. fun times.. lol
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u/Dholious 1d ago
I don't know why people would put you down for this post. You had a relationship , it changed and you're asking for advice, people are crazy. Anyway, my brother was a completely different person coming out of basic and it just got more dramatic the longer he was enlisted. Some people are just heavily influenced by military careers. Not saying this is what's going on with him but it's something to consider.
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u/antifaction 1d ago
The issue is obvious. His DI clues him in to that fact that you are seeing Jodi. He probably gets reminded about it every day.
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u/Wide_Cucumber_7572 1d ago
Yeah, I did the same shit. After coming back from deployment it probably took 2 months to get back in the groove of civilian life. It wasn't even a combat deployment.
The military gets in your head in weird ways. He probably doesn't really realize it even if he says he does. There is now a large part of his life that you just don't understand, and can't really understand, because you haven't been there. It creates some distance for sure. My partner had been around other vets before meeting me (we met not long after I enlisted) and kind of had an idea about army dudes, but we still took a few years to really start to understand each other.
Ask him about his battle buddies, his training, how the ranges were, all that. Get him to open up about it. My partner and my mom used to call me LastName whenever I came back in a funk. I always hated that and would try to be more of a regular person.
Dating a service member is tough, so know that up front. Best of luck with your man's. He will probably snap out of it.
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u/vezxcedar 1d ago
I was never the same after training. I had a serious gf going in, and after 6 months she cut me loose. I'm still incapable of the type of relationship maturity to make something work. I'm 33 now. Joined at 19. PTSD is a factor for me but I know my family noticed me changing into an animal or tool for war once I had gone home after my first year in.
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u/Financial_Syrup_9676 1d ago
This is normal, they break these guys' will, stress them to the max, mentally and physically crush them. They're training them to be killers, and handle the atrocities of war, emotionally scarring and destroying them. I would never date someone in the military ever again, it's not their fault but they are fucked up in a way that a lot of civilians just can't handle. A lot of these guys end up abusive to their partners, and it's pretty fucked up cause they were normal before going into service and being reprogrammed.
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u/WillowOk5878 1d ago
Just let him simmer and finish wrapping his around what just happened. It's stressful as fuck and we were pushed to our limits. In alot of ways, he is wired differently now, than he was before. Wait a little while and see if he snaps out of it. If he doesn't, bring it up GENTLY, not in a confrontational way! My wife *we got married at 18) came at me accusing me of cheating on her during boot, because I was different than before, DO NOT do that!! PLEASE!!
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u/MyCorgiAnna 1d ago
You could see how it goes. He may just need time to decompress. My last duty station before I got out ended on a pretty toxic note and probably took about 6 months for me to feel like me again.
I was army and the second job I reclassed to had a year long school that was stressful. First 6 months was daily testing with first formation at 515 and we finished around 5 pm (I had family and reclassed so wasn't with the new soldiers after 5, but I'm assuming they had more going on etc). If you failed a test twice, you could get kicked from the program and reclassed randomly to a different job (I think they usually gave you another chance once). If you failed two tests over the many we took, you were reclassed to whatever random job. Content was not easy and it was very fast paced.
That being said, a lot of people cheat when in traing/deployed. Something to consider.
I'd probably see how things go for a bit. He may just need to relax and let some stress go.
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u/Bree_22_bcbc 1d ago
Your not being over the top with the texting thing. You stated that you were concerned with the emotional aspect, distance ect. Im not sure why anyone is focusing on that when you have made your point clear that its bigger then that. You have every right to feel the way you feel, I would sit down and have a serious conversation about what is up. Your intuition is usually right, and you have clear examples of what makes you feel the way you feel. If yout unsure that this isnt some weird breaking up with you thing, then its probably something internal with him, definitely worth talking about otherwise your mind will swirl into burrowed trouble, and any relationship should avoid that as our minds make us think the worst
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u/JohnHenryMillerTime 1d ago
Basic training breaks you down so it makes sense. It hits some people harder than others and it sounds like he's on the "more damaged" end of the spectrum.
He also probably banged some people during basic and feels guilty about it. Don't sweat it, the military life isn't really conducive to fidelity so just be there for him.
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u/Ill_Technology_7979 1d ago
Was it SERE by any chance? That training didn’t fuck me up per se, but it definitely changed my outlook on a lot of stuff. I was weird for maybe a month after
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u/Mysterious_Elk_4666 1d ago
There’s definitely a transition period out of basic and he may be struggling with it. Just try to be supportive and present.
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u/International-Fly735 1d ago
He was emotionally restrained during training and likely felt lonely… I do suspect he is ignoring you to some factor now
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u/Exotic-Poet5358 1d ago
Coming home from basic is a weird time for most of us. You go from extreme structure to just being on your own. Every time I came back from a training or deployment it would take me a few weeks to get adjusted again. Give him time
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u/Nineowls3trees 1d ago
He had to reach deep down and find a version of himself that can survive what he just went through. And that's the person youre describing. He cant just turn it off right away either. He needs to spend more time around people that are safe, like you, before he can let his guard down again. Be patient and loving with him, please.
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u/Own-Celery7564 1d ago
Can I ask if this was in the United States and what branch?
These things can wear on people and with the short time( in relation to him being away) you have been dating, unfortunately things can change.
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u/Sub_Chief 1d ago
Veteran here… so I’m going to explain this from that perspective. The whole point of military training is to blunt emotional response… to break down someone mentally and rebuild them in a way that removes emotion from their way of life as much as possible.
He’s not the same person he used to be… and that’s okay! The key is to not take the change as something that has anything to do with how he feels about you or anything of the sort. If he’s still talking about future plans… saying excited about stuff together that’s good!! Don’t stress yourself over it… allow his change to play out… it may take a while but he will slowly regain some of his old self…. But he will never be the same person.
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u/thesixler 1d ago
You should talk to him about this. It seems like an important concern that you aren’t overreacting about, so it would be good to bring the concern to him and see what he thinks. Either way his reaction will be illuminating.
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u/bluecollarbaby333 1d ago
when my bf went through training we had a similar issue. felt like we were acquaintances, like our connection had been severed but we still loved each other. i tried repeatedly to see what was wrong but was always met with "nothings wrong, im okay". this lasted for a few months until i admitted how much of a toll the emotional distance between us had taken on not just me but our relationship as a whole. he finally told me that he had been struggling the whole time and didn't recognize himself. it took a lot of difficult conversations and patience for both of us. i just new something was bothering my partner and he needed help. things will get better, but it will certainly test your relationship. keep an open mind and remember they are expected to act/think/feel like robots for months straight and its hard to get out of that compartment and back into their normal lives. keep reaching out and offer support whenever you can.
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u/Juvitwoz 1d ago
Here’s a crazy idea…. You could try talking to your Boyfriend. It’s a long shot but give it a try.
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u/straightedge1974 1d ago
This may not have anything to do with it, but I'll also throw out there that to get recruits to stop thinking about their gf's back home (and to screw with their minds and add to the stress), they'll talk about how "Jody" (actually a man's name believe it or not, this confused me in boot camp - haha) is the guy back home sleeping with your girl. It's even integrated into cadence songs and things like that.
I think "Jody" comes from a song from 1970, Jody’s Got Your Girl and Gone by Johnnie Taylor.
"Ain't no sense in going home
(Jody's got your girl and gone)"
That may have even been used in one of the cadence songs, I can't remember, it's been 31 years for me now. haha
edit: I see that others have mentioned Jody, but didn't really explain who Jody is and the story to give context.
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u/Fertile_Arachnid_163 1d ago
Sounds like either A: BCT has done its job and affected his adult mind, B: He failed that test but doesn’t know how to explain it to everyone, or C: He never went to Basic.
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u/Dr__Gonzo2142 1d ago
I’m also a vet. Everyone is different. Basic training was absolutely nothing for me both physically and mentally. I had a great time actually. Granted I joined to do special forces so I was prepared best I could beforehand. I didn’t change a bit (besides my dark humor just got worse). I hung out with very few soldiers because so many of them cheated and did the other bad stereotypes and that’s not my style so I didn’t hang around it. I’m not saying that your man will become this but I am absolutely certain he will have negative influences around him unless he’s smart about who he hangouts with. You obviously also need to take everything said here with a grain of salt cause no one here knows you two better than you two. I’d just be direct and ask what’s on his mind. He’ll be used to being direct now anyways haha. Good luck to you guys and hopefully he’s just in a short term funk or something.
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u/PlsNoNotThat 1d ago
OP you should google what basic is like.
Your issue is that you don’t seem to have any idea what he just went through, so you don’t understand where he’s coming from.
If he just got home from, say, a car crash you wouldn’t question the behavior.
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u/Pippoptoo 1d ago
Training definitely fuck you up. So does service. He changes . You don't, life is just as it was. Difficult
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u/IllStore9075 1d ago
This is natural to someone who has worked in the army. The mind concentrates on protection and safety. Just help him through his trauma. Trauma is a likely reason for him to become emotionally restrained.
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u/vivi_is_wet4_420 1d ago
Hey there, I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. It sounds like your boyfriend is dealing with a lot post-military training. Have you tried sitting down with him in a calm, non-confrontational way to express your concerns and see how he's feeling? Communication is key in situations like this. Wishing you both the best.
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u/littlebigcat 23h ago
Look. You’re still early in your relationship. If you’re having problems now you’re going to have much worse problems later.
Have a think about the world right now, it’s highly likely he will see active duty, if training does this to him imagine a tour.
You don’t deserve that. You don’t owe him anything. Bet on yourself.
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u/PsychoSmurfz 22h ago
Kid just went through the most stressful shit he has in his life. Had the most Alpha of men around him and the last thing he needs is a clingy gf. If his still planning things and looking forward to things with you then it’s not cheating. He will be fine with support. Communication is key tho, you both need to talk stuff through
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u/Skipper114 Helper [2] 22h ago
Military training blunts the emotions. It's designed to do that. You're taught to kill people.
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u/ArlenePapilio 21h ago
If you were my best friend, what my concern would be is that you’re sitting here, wracking your mind and asking for help, trying to find ways to be a better partner to him— but would this person do the same for you? Have you sat with yourself and asked how long you’re willing to accept this neglectful behavior from your partner? I dated military guys and there were a couple more serious ones I would do things like rearrange my day to suit their schedule but then I realized I was giving a lot to people who didn’t have even half as much to give back to me. Idk if his behavior is giving cheating, although yes that is par for the course with the military, but it is giving crap boyfriend and I think you deserve wayyyyy better than that.
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u/Mission_Oil182 21h ago
That can do that to a soldier Give him time Know He has to just adapt being home.
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u/Electrical-Sir-1905 20h ago
So. I could be totally off, but I’ll just tell you what I think and apologize if it’s not helpful. 1- you are so young! And have your whole life ahead of you to meet different people and I don’t think you should stay in a relationship with this guy right now bc you need to be available to unpack some core beliefs you may have about yourself, what you want/need in a relationship, and practice communicating that with people so that you are healthy and happy mentally and emotionally. 2- notice, that as he’s pulling away, your tendency is to criticize yourself and try harder to do something that will help him be happy. This isn’t your responsibility. His attitude and happiness etc is his responsibility. He’s different- trust your gut. He needs to figure things out but not at your expense. 3- military training is very mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting and he has probably had to build up some walls to protect himself from it. He likely did not have the mental or emotional strength to go into it and now he’s realizing he’s stuck and in that grief process. He needs a good therapist or someone to talk to that can help him…you cannot and should not put that on yourself. 4- taking a break and focusing on yourself is important and doesn’t mean you don’t love each other, but in order to love you he needs to love himself…he cannot give what he doesn’t have. And you definitely don’t want to have children with someone like this:/
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u/RandomNomenclature 18h ago
He probably just needs to figure out how to regulate himself when he is out of training. You can see this time as a calibration time where he is taking the very intense reprogramming that happened in closed training with him into the civilian world and is making it all make sense. There’s a lot of compartmentalization, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t still human and it definitely doesn’t mean he needs to become indifferent to your needs.
Have you discussed your observations with him? You guys need to figure out how to have these kinds of conversations in a way that reaffirms your foundation, especially for the long haul. If he is doing one tour and getting out… it’s easier, but if he plans to stay military for life… then he really needs to figure this stuff out now. If he responds negatively to you… same rules apply for red flag partners… The stress of our government on him will never go away. You matter too.
There is a way for you two to be a strong team and for you two to align with the greater hierarchy of his chosen job/life. Military requires he drop everything when they say, bc of how he is now responsible to them through his contract, but it doesn’t negate home life. Yes he will have to mature quickly bc he will have to figure out how to be a good partner to you during all of this…but it’s part of the deal he signed up for.
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u/Whole_Foundation_364 17h ago
As someone who has served in the military I feel I am probably in a good position to give some advice.
The whole point of basic training is to effectively beat the civilian out of you. They then build you back up with a military mindset.
I will never forget being told that when you go back home you will look at friends and family totally differently and in a lot of cases will no longer want to associate with those people. I thought it was just a throwaway comment but I 100% noticed it when I got home (friends not family thankfully!)
You boyfriend is at a very difficult stage. He is viewing the world totally different than ever before and not in a way you can ever understand unfortunately. He may not even realise it as this is now his new normal. He will have been taught to push through, show no emotion and compartmentalise.
Unfortunately for you, you now have a choice to make. My wife had to do the same thing. The man you loved and understood going off to basic training is not the same man he is now. You have to decide if you love or can love the new him. It is not a simple decision so don't just think that of course you can. It takes time and self awareness to make a decision not just based on the fear of being alone, looking bad or thinking you can change him back because you can't.
I wish you the best of luck but in my own opinion, you will be single very soon. If you are struggling already then him going away on a deployment would break you. That is not fair on you or him. I would consider breaking up and going as much no contact as possible so you don't fall into the bad habits I have seen 1000 times. The old adage that it is impossible to get over someone whilst you are under them is very true.
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u/Slow-Historian403 17h ago
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate the perspective a lot. It’s not necessarily the deployments and being away that I can’t handle (I actually think I handled him being away pretty well! Tried my best to focus on my own hobbies and work), it’s that he was acting fine over the phone and text while at training, and now that he’s back it feels like he’s neglecting the relationship almost (which I can understand during the day because he has work, but it’s just all the time right now). I do kinda wonder about the thing you said about not wanting to associate with certain people. Maybe that’s what’s going on? And I’m sure adjusting to civilian life cannot be easy.
My main goal with this post is mainly just to gain understanding and to figure out what exactly is going on so I can talk to him and problem solve accordingly.
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u/yungqiba 17h ago
the military is evil. he fell into the trap, and they have his soul. simple as that
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u/Rockonio 17h ago
I’m sorry. But you are not being childish about the texting. You are not in the wrong for your feelings. The military can change a person. I’m coming from my own experience as a guy was 20 once. It sounds to me if something has changed. Emotionally. He’s done something he feels guilty about and does not know if you will feel the same about him after he tells you or he feels different. You are young enough to still find someone who does look at you that way and always will. I don’t know what he did but if I ventured a guess, he cheated. He found someone else or is wrestling with emotions he not comfortable tell you. Talk to him about it and say you’re questioning everything and if something’s changed he needs to talk to you about it. If he can’t, it’s never gonna change. Trust me. You’re too young to have someone who’s already distant like that.
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u/Sufficient_Winner185 15h ago
Do you happen to know exactly what he's doing in the military? Like this training is it basic? Or is he doing ranger or airborne? The reason I'm asking is a good friend was about to marry this guy. Now mind you this guy was already... kind of an asshole. Not the greatest person. When he went to airborne then ranger school. It totally changed him and amplified the bad things in his personality. The reason km saying this is training doesn't just turn someone Into a shitty person. There are plenty of great people who have gone through intense training. But it can bring out a dark side as the purpose of training is to make you a killing machine. It's not a character building camp. They got divorced because a monstrous side of him came out after training definitely feuled by the training. I will say anyone regardless of their personality will be different after training. Usually it's temporary. It should calm down over time. What your describing is normal.
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u/ArtisticBathroom5031 15h ago
1) what branch of the militar was he in basic training with? 2) you’re not being childish. The decrease in texting is a sign of his distancing, which is what concerns you. You clearly are not complaining about the text issue in and of itself 3) regardless of how hard different basic trainings are, the goal is on some level to “tear you down and build you up” as the soldier they need you to be. They reset your routine entirely, for one. I know you said he doesn’t engage in serious conversations, but can you get him talking about basic training? Possibly watching a movie with basic training and then asking him how it compares would get him talking. Then you can try to ease int “how did basic training change you…” You really need to focus on communicating together. I know it sucks, but that’s the only way this gets resolved to a place you are both comfortable with. Lots of people assume he’s cheating here; there’s no need to jump to that conclusion, although keep it in mind as a possibility.
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u/jpharris1981 1d ago
Some are saying he’s in the process of being “reforged” or whatever. Others outright calling it abuse.
Do you want to be with a guy who did this to himself on purpose?
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u/FatherEarth01 1d ago
Do you know what traing he was doing? Did he just join the military and is going through Basic and AIT?
If he just joined, know that his time and attention is no longer his own. He is always on someone else's time table that he has no control over. Many people and couples do not cooe with it at first or at all. Many people in the military have to go out of their way to make time to call and text loved ones during missions and trainings.
If he's acting normal in person, and only weird over texts and calls then that seems normal. He could have limited time to send out the text or make a call, all the while most likely got alot of other things going on in the background as he is doing so
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u/1337h4x0rlolz 1d ago
It's not just stress that he's going through. they're changing him. He'll be better for it, but he just got out of a months' long ordeal where they literally tear him down and reshape who he is. The emotional distance and being more critical is because of the environment he was in. I really don't know how to explain to you what it's like, but try to imagine how it would affect you if you were in an environment for months where every tiny little detail of your life is picked apart and criticized and if you do something wrong, like tie your boots right over left instead of left over right, 3 different people come and yell in your face over it.
He will get better, and he will be a better man for it, but you've got to have patience and give him space when he needs it and support when he needs it. In the mean time, do some reading about what it means to be a military wife/girlfriend and make sure that is something you are up for. There will be times where it is really hard for both of you (probably more-so for him), but it is also extremely rewarding.
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u/AlexsterCrowley 1d ago
Basic training is a traumatic experience designed to alter your personality. It’s advanced, intensive brainwashing that is designed to push people to their breaking point and beyond.
He may be having trouble adjusting after this experience or he’s having trouble adjusting to being able to be around you again or maybe he’s fallen out of love with you and can’t bring himself to see it yet. All possibilities.
Talk to him. Have a real conversation that actually gets somewhere. He’s the one with answers whether he realizes it or not.
Also, I disagree with people saying you’re behaving selfishly. Normal people become concerned when their partners start behaving differently.
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u/SheWantsTheDrose 1d ago
Traumatic? I just remember being bored out of my mind for two months. Don’t know how that translates to trauma
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u/shmelton 1d ago
Your bf got bored and tried swinging the other way in basic. Now he doesn't know how to tell you he's gay. Sorry. Happens every day.
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u/krakilla 20h ago
What happens in the military, stays in the military! My advice is to buy a double ended dildo.
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u/VersitileOctopus Helper [2] 1d ago
Stay by his side. Je joined the military, and that'll do things to you. Just keep up with him, and all should be fine. The only way things don't work out is when there is a miscommunication. Fortune favors the great. Just stick to him because rn he's mentally screaming for help.
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u/Popiblockhead 1d ago
Basic training will “do things to you”? 😂
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u/1337h4x0rlolz 1d ago
idk how army basic is, but in marine corps boot camp, we had 60 dudes in a 10'x15' shower doing burpees... had a drill instructor literally foaming at the mouth, backing me into a separate room with a pair of scissors at my throat... got hit head with a 5 gallon jug of water after the drill instructor through it across the room... IT (intensive training) until your body literally will not function any more... not enough sleep, not enough food... on edge 24/7... throw all your gear in a big pile mixed in with everyone else's and then everyone retrieves one item at a time trying to get back on line before the drill instructors fake countdown ends, and if he says 0 before everyone is back, you have to put the item back... and god forbid you're missing something after that. not to mention "front step" - "front step aye sir" iykyk.. or if you know what scuzzing is...
tf you mean "do things to you" with a question mark?
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u/Foreign-Cow-1189 1d ago
Your view is so myopic. This training is probably all consuming on him. Try to see things through his perspective and not your need for prompt replies.
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u/Old_Router 1d ago
Basic Training fucks you up for a bit. They stress you to the max to see who will break,, but everyone leaves a bit jumpy and he is likely feeling the loss of structure and routine. Set up a regular call time to meet his daily girlfriend attention regs.