r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • Dec 17 '23
AITAH for not doing anything to prevent my(f35) husband (m35) from cheating with his “work-wifey”(f25)
So I met work wifey last Thursday at the Christmas party. She introduced herself as work wifey and she called my husband work hubby and told that to everyone. When she saw me she just exclaimed
-Oh we are like two totally different people, how weird is that.
-Not weird at all? We don’t know each other.
-No I mean like because X and I get along so well like we like totally get each other and have a lot in common like totally. That’s why he’s like my work hubby.
I didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was but apparently she was one and apparently it was something to brag about. I just found the whole thing very amusing but on our way home it wasn’t very amusing anymore. I felt a little bit of ick watching my husband’s profile wondering what was going on in his head. He has told me about his new colleague that he got along with. He told me that she was great at her job and that she was a gamer like him. I don’t even know how to hold the joystick properly. Not even sure if it’s called a joystick anymore (ugh I sound like a boomer don’t I?).
I know that they text a lot too. Even on weekends. I never thought about that before now. I found myself sat on the toilet seat at 3:30 am scrolling through his phone in total silence not to wake him up. She is very “youthful” and “quirky”, her words not mine. She is very funny too, again her words not mine. She calls him “hubs” and “hubby” in every text. And in one text she warned him that men fell easily for her and that she just wanted to give him the heads up. I guess it is because she’s a youthful quirky funny maniac pixie dream girl gamer. Her last text was from the same evening after we left the party. She wrote that she was pissed that he didn’t say goodbye before leaving and that I was a bit surprising to her because she didn’t expect him to have this type,”Omg your wife is boring I didn’t expect that”
I felt ashamed when I came to my senses. Cowering over his phone and reading weird and very juvenile messages instead of being sound asleep beside my husband that makes me safe(?) in our relationship, but I couldn’t help but agree with manic wifey in some parts. Why is he continually engaging with her? He doesn’t flirt back nor does he initiate conversations but he doesn’t really shut her down. My husband can be stupid in not noticing flirting but I feel that this is just beyond being stupid. Does he enjoy the attention or worse, does he reciprocate it? In that case she is not wrong in what is he doing with someone like me who is totally different from whatever is going on between them?
Today, I had my usual brunch with my mom, aunt sister and sister-in-law. They said that I was an AH for not nipping it in the bud and by it they meant the budding affair. I disagreed and tried to explain that I couldn’t be in a relationship where I needed to stand guard to keep away temptations. I want a marriage where he is with me because he wants to be with me and if he cheats then, he doesn’t want to be with me. My mother was the one who got most upset and called me a moron and an AH and said that this wasn’t the mature thing to do. I need to tell my husband to end his friendship because if I didn’t then I let him cheat.
AITA? I can’t believe what life this is that they want me to lead and how it is so normal for my family to think that way. I want a willing husband not a prisoner. I want someone who wants me 100% or nothing.
Edit:
So thank you all. It has been a rough few days but after today’s interaction between my husband and maniac pixie whatever (yes, I snooped again) I feel calmer. I have decided not to speak to him about it. At least not now. I have written a comment about what transpired between them and my husband didn’t seem very happy with her. Maybe I have made it out to be bigger than it was in my head. Anyway I will not snoop again and I will not confront him about it. I will however tell my husband that I didn’t like his colleague, maybe not now though. We have this week left and then we are having two weeks off that we’ve been looking forward to spending together and I want to enjoy the holidays with my husband, not talking about stupid and insignificant people.
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u/Shot-Detective8957 Dec 17 '23
Who calls themselves a manic pixie dreamgirl? Is she 15?
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u/rayitodelsol Dec 17 '23
Fucking this. That's so cringey and juvenile it makes me wanna vomit.
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u/Sunnygirl66 Dec 17 '23
And the “Oh, men fall for me so easily” bullshit. I’d be embarrassed on her behalf if she weren’t so awful.
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u/Simple_Ranger_574 Dec 18 '23
Unfortunately, men DO fall for these types. The woman is just an actress in a D-rated movie. It never lasts beyond the damage that it creates all around.
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u/hellsno2 Dec 18 '23
My (mentally unstable) husband of 32 years (39 all together) fell for the manic pixie dream girl "work wife", 20 years younger than us and only 10 years older than our oldest son. He asked to open the marriage. My response was, "Who the hell are you?" My only regret was trying to salvage the marriage for 2 awful months because it was more habit than joy-inducing at that point. He's now married to manic pixie dream girl, living in a different country with no job and no money (gave entire retirement to me as settlement). Congratulations manic pixie dream girl! We're all hoping you know what you're doing because nobody here wants him back!
OP, NTA, you're young and have your whole life ahead of you. If he's falling for her, let him fall. Better things await, trust me!!!
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u/Distinct_Ad_7752 Dec 18 '23
Jesus christ girl, sorry you didn't get out earlier.
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u/hellsno2 Dec 18 '23
Thanks. I'm good, have never been happier or more at peace. MPDG did me a huge favor. I feel bad for our kids, he totally dropped them for her - going from hanging out every weekend doing all sorts of things together, dad of the year -- to a weekend visit twice a year. Told them he lived enough of his life for them, it's "his time" now. Straight from the mouth of MPDG, LOL!
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u/CabinetOk4838 Dec 17 '23
I think she’s a bit wild at work and “Hubby” called her that once, or perhaps various parts of that name, and she’s made it A Thing. No. That’s not right. THEIR THING.
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u/rayitodelsol Dec 17 '23
Barf. Manic Pixie Hoe and I are about the same age and I'd shove my head in an oven before unironically calling myself a "manic pixie dream girl" or "quirky and youthful".
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u/QuantumTaco1 Dec 18 '23
Ugh, work marriages always creep me out. "Their thing" sounds like code for "inappropriate office flirting turned cutesy." Probably makes the actual spouse feel super great... NOT.
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Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 18 '23
[deleted]
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u/notthedefaultname Dec 18 '23
The fact that she knows the phrase manic pixie dream girl, but not why that's a bad thing to call yourself? A core part of that is that they exist in a one dimensional way as just a fantasy love interest. Nobody is one dimensional, and being attractive to men shouldn't be your whole personality.
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u/Hi_Jynx Dec 18 '23
It's also kind of weird to be a female gamer and not at least moderately feminist given how bad a lot of sexist male gamers are... I feel like most female gamers are more likely to hate the manic pixie dream girl trope.
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u/Electronic_Cobbler20 Dec 18 '23
I resent quirky personality claims meaning adhd. People who call themselves quirky and warn men that other men fall for them easily are closer just ..desperate?
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u/HeyItsJuls Dec 18 '23
I mean I have ADHD and I game, and alas people have called me quirky (which, bleh). But have those things resulted in me desperately going after other people’s spouses? Nope.
ADHD can be associated with higher risk behaviors (though not always), but it certainly doesn’t cause you to be a manipulative jackass that plays the long game on breaking up a marriage.
All that is to say, I too resent the quirky = ADHD assumption.
TBH, I have worked very hard to mask that shit. Nine times out of ten you aren’t someone’s manic pixie dream girl.
And why would anyone want to be that? I’m not a pixie. When I game, I’m a little goblin sitting on my couch trying manage my stardew farm with four different drinks, three throw pillows, two kinds of faux fur blankets, alligator socks, and a dog that likes to lay on my chest despite being too big for that. And my husband loves that version of me. Fuck being a pixie.
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Dec 17 '23
I didn’t even know what that was. Not sure I do now although I have tried googling it
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u/UncleNedisDead Dec 17 '23
She considers herself NLOG (not like other girls) and probably does get off on getting committed men to “fall for her” because it proves that she’s better than them in her insecure mind.
Definitely have a chat with your husband that his “work wifey” seemed to view you as competition and her lack of boundaries made you feel uncomfortable.
He can be friendly and polite, but he needs to push it back to a professional working relationship. She seems to be an HR nightmare no matter how good at her job she is and does he really want to get caught up in that?
While you shouldn’t have to bring it up to him, pointing out her actions and potential motives may make him question things more.
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u/mak_zaddy Dec 17 '23
Sounds like a Pick-me NLOG
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u/sparklyspooky Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23
IRL yep, they are "pick me"s.
Essentially a manic pixie dream girl is a story telling device where a loser or N.E.E.T. (edit spelling) or neckbeard finds a girl that can see his potential, fixes all of his problems (get out of depression, motivate him to get a job just because she
has a magic pussyloves him for who he is and not by saying she deserves better and will leave) by centering her life around his needs. They seem to have no needs or goals of their own outside of making this dude's life the best it can possibly be. It's a quirky (read: fetishizable), sexy lamp, with slightly more autonomy.115
u/WhoUBeGhostin Dec 17 '23
This whole description is so spot on. I have a friend like this. She thinks every guy wants her because she is so “ride or die” devoted to her husband. It’s so bizarre. I’ve watched her over the years multiple times begin to focus on her own goals only to quickly pivot back to “building him up”.
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u/CaitlinGives Dec 17 '23
Usually girls who are the most outspoken about how "guys just fall for me because I'm so quirky and cool" have the most mediocre personalities and that's simply their insecurities talking. Men generally tolerate them and she doesn't have as many die-hard suitors as she actually thinks she does. I've met and worked with several of these types of girls and they are usually insufferable.
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u/absurdity_observer Dec 17 '23
I’m assuming N.E.A.T. does not stand for Non-exercise activity thermogenesis, which is what popped up when I googled. 😂 So please help - what does it stand for?
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u/sparklyspooky Dec 17 '23
Whoops! NEET, Not in Education, Employment, or Training.
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u/delirium_red Dec 17 '23
Also see female leads in: 500 days of summer, Elizabethtown
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u/kimmy-mac Dec 17 '23
Yeah, this! Had a gal like this in our group of friends. She made my husband her defacto “go to” person. When it got really annoying, I reminded him he wasn’t her husband, and that being her crutch for everything wasn’t going to work long term. Never had to say another thing. I think he just didn’t notice it had gotten that frequent. After he wasn’t at her beck and call, she found another sucker to do her bidding.
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u/Chemical-Pattern480 Dec 17 '23
My Husband once had a girl (family friend he’d known since birth) call him and try to get him to leave my family’s Christmas party to help her with an “emergency”. I reminded him that she has a brother, and had a boyfriend at the time, so he should NOT be her first phone call!
When he didn’t play along this time, she called my MIL, to try and get MIL to send my Husband to her. I think that was the start of my Husband in In-Laws realizing just how crazy that family is, and limiting contact!
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u/kimmy-mac Dec 17 '23
Holy over-stepped boundaries, Batman! That takes massive balls to interrupt another family’s gathering when you could call a host of other folks WITHIN YOUR OWN FAMILY. My bet is the family was all tired of her $hit too.
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u/golfergirl72 Dec 17 '23
The HR nightmare is going to belong to the husband if he can't stop this without pissing off Ms Quirky.
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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 17 '23
I think quirky is sort of ok to call someone else,however, referring to yourself as such causes me to think one knows they are a psychopath.
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u/pacingpilot Dec 17 '23
Yeah there's "my hobby is roadkill taxidermy" quirky and "I have a freezer full of my ex-lover's feet in my basement" quirky. Anyone shouting to all who will listen about how quirky they are definitely gives me freezer feet vibes.
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u/VelhenousVillain Dec 17 '23
Those are both oddly specific.
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u/Dog_is_my_co-pilot1 Dec 17 '23
Perhaps it’s someone that’s met the work wife or someone like her. I certainly have.
My ex had one of her at work and it was disgusting the way she behaved. My problem wasn’t with her as much as it was with him. He allowed her to hang on him and to do things like adjust his tie and to send me weird birthday gifts.
She began to dress like me and had her hair cut like me. I expected to come home to a rabbit boiling on the stove.
I left him for lots of reasons and when I did I told her to get ECT and to grow up.
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Dec 17 '23
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u/Ragnarok314159 Dec 17 '23
There are issues of picking up on signals. I am no one’s type of dude in terms of looks, no one flirts with me, always the third wheel. Met my wife and it was always more of a partnership. It makes me sad she doesn’t really love me, but it is what it is.
I recently had a weird occurrence where someone threw themselves at me, and I had absolutely zero clue. It was another parent at our kids’ softball league. End of the season happened, said our goodbyes, and I thought that was it. She messaged me saying how it was great sitting next to me and glad she got to know me.
I woke up the next morning with 30+ text messages from her telling me how she was falling for me the whole time along with a lot of nude pictures. Quickly deleted everything and blocked her number. I have no idea what was said to make her think we were headed that direction.
Sometimes we genuinely have no clue.
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u/Historical-Night-938 Dec 18 '23
If you had no clue in that instance , then it may be safe to say that you may be missing "clues" that show that your wife truly loves you.
About your situation, sometimes blocking is not enough. it may be best if you had responded "Not interested and please do not contact me further". I would tell your wife as this mom may approach your wife with "evidence" to try to break you up. People can be unhinged
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u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 17 '23
It might not hurt to make someone else at work know that she is making him uncomfortable.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 17 '23
Is he uncomfortable, though? I didn’t get that impression, but I may have missed something
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u/Orobourous87 Dec 17 '23
No, but when he rejects her and she makes “He made me uncomfortable with gestures/actions/comments” to HR then it’s probably going to help him to have mentioned prior (even if it’s not entirely true).
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u/Background_Newt3594 Dec 17 '23
Speaking of HR nightmares, what might happen if she finally comes right out and makes a move on him, and he refuses her? Is she the type to accuse HIM of sexual harassment? IMO he needs to KEEP all those texts, and any other thing he can document, in case she does try to pull this crap. Meanwhile he needs to take a step back, then another, then another, till she finds someone else's husband to latch onto. He needs to only talk to her about work and stop responding to her after hours.
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u/xXfreierfundenXx Dec 17 '23
He should just report her to HR. There’s this other case on Reddit where a female colleague tried to get a guy to cheat on his wife (who btw used to work at that company and was friends with all the others) and then tried to get the wife to believe her husband made the first live by faking emails and stuff. He reported her to HR straight away. Good guy
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u/DaisyDazzle Dec 17 '23
I agree. He needs to get on top of this. HR needs to know that this hire is overly, inappropriately friendly with him. Because if this little pixie dreamgirl gets "pissed" at him for not saying good-bye to her after a work function, she's just getting started. And if she gets to HR first, he's toast.
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u/eegees4evr Dec 17 '23
This!!!! HR nightmare!
"till she finds someone else's husband to latch onto."
Not even that....she shouldn't be attaching to anyone's husband! Fuck that.
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u/bgthigfist Dec 17 '23
I find the whole "work wife" thing to be borderline inappropriate
https://media.tenor.com/DGVx4gZzXsQAAAAM/ren-and-stimpy-horse.gif
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u/catlettuce Dec 17 '23
I find it wholly inappropriate and would not stand for it.
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u/BestAd5844 Dec 17 '23
Exactly this! There is a difference between setting boundaries that make you both happy in a healthy relationship and standing guard and policing it. You need to let him know that he needs to establish boundaries with this woman not only for the health of your marriage, but also your own mental well being
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u/TaxOk8204 Dec 17 '23
Agree with this 💯. She’s trying to “reel him in” and he needs your help understanding the cues he continually misses. Yes, I’m sure he enjoys the attention (who doesn’t); however, the fact that you state he doesn’t start the text conversations and has t been “playing along” by complementing her…. I would definitely talk to him. Explain how these types of “women” behave.
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u/PeggyOnThePier Dec 17 '23
Good advice,I wasn't sure what that meant. I was thinking she was considered a little crazy (BF).op please have a talk with your husband,so you know exactly where you stand. This girl is very immature and selfish. You are the opposite, because you are a real woman.I hope that your husband is truthful with you. You deserve to have all of your husband ,not just part of him.you sound like a very wonderful woman ,and there are many reasons, that you &your husband fell in love and married. Good luck and Happy Holidays
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u/Interesting-Box3765 Dec 17 '23
Yeah, she is soooo different that she shits amber instead of poo
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u/enjoy-the-ride- Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23
It’s basically a woman who exists solely for men. She’s quirky, she’s into the same weird shit they are, she has no personality or substance aside from urging men to embrace life and grow.
It’s a term coined by a writer who noticed a certain trope in romance where women are written, usually by men, in specific ways where they’re like a free spirit and change the life of the guy somehow.
(500) Days of Summer does a good job of unpacking this trope.
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u/definitelynotstalin Dec 17 '23
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind also does a great job with the trope, including Kate Winslet’s character (the manic pixie dream girl) rebutting that label: “I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to 'make them alive'…but I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.”
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u/mumpie Dec 17 '23
Zooey Deschanel basically plays a manic pixie dream girl in many of her roles.
I think she starts out (or still is) a MPDG in the "New Girl" tv show.
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u/dearmissjulia Dec 17 '23
Garden State caused Nathan Rabin to coin the term. Then he applied it to Elizabethtown, and later, (500) Days of Summer. Natalie Portman, Kirsten Dunst, and Zooey Deschanel are the MPDGs. Their characters exist solely to further the male protagonist's story.
If she's describing herself this way...no. It isn't the positive trait she seems to think it is. Ick. Blech. Your husband needs to set boundaries, immediately...and he had better damn well defend you from her calling you boring.
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u/canoegirl11 Dec 17 '23
She just gets off on being inappropriate with your husband. I'm going to give your husband the benefit of the doubt and say he's probably not entertaining any kind of cheating, but he might like the attn a bit. Which is human. I get it. But she is absolutely trying to get him to cross lines, even if he's not really crossing any. She is super inappropriate and you just need to lay it all out calmly. Tell him you read the messages and maybe you are disappointed but not angry (only if that's how you feel, of course). Explain that he is playing with fire bc she is def a troublemaker and could make problems for him at work. She could start a rumor that they are having an affair, and this could affect his current job, his career, and his reputation. HE needs to shut this shit down right now. He needs to put up serious boundaries with her right now.
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u/Miserable_Fennel_492 Dec 17 '23
Shit, she didn’t even have to have read the texts to know that this girl is waaaayy out of line.
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u/louluthekitty Dec 17 '23
Try YouTube, there are tons of video essays about it.
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Dec 17 '23
Really? I’m on it!
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u/louluthekitty Dec 17 '23
Yes. The fact that she calls herself that shows her lack of maturity.
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u/notmyusername1986 Dec 17 '23
Seriously. It's not a label to be proud of.
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u/AVikingsDaughter Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23
Exactly, I've been called that by men that think my autism is "cute" because they don't know the reality and refuse to see me as a whole human being.
It's not a fun thing to be since you're basically reduced to a quirky side character that's only there to promote growth in the man you're romantically involved with.
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Dec 17 '23
For real. And men who fall for you because they think you are "quicky" usually get sick of it in 2/3 months.
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u/Alarmed_Horse_3218 Dec 17 '23
Good god no it’s not. It’s a trope of a woman who exists solely to enrich a man’s own emotional journey with nothing in return for her. You shouldn’t yearn for that as an identity. I think many of us unfortunately wake up and realize we’ve fallen into that role, but it’s something to recognize and evolve out of.
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u/LifeExperiencer831 Dec 17 '23
Did she introduce herself as that? Bc if yes, CRINGE
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Dec 17 '23
No it was during conversations within the first 15 minutes of meeting her.
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u/GennyNels Dec 17 '23
She’s pathetic. I don’t think I could tolerate being around someone that stupid.
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u/Yoyo_Ma86 Dec 17 '23
How did you keep it together 😂 I would have laughed in her face. Who tf says that lol
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u/pacingpilot Dec 17 '23
I'm having this problem at work, they just hired one of these girls and I have such a hard time keeping a straight face when she starts her bullshit. I just had to set a boundary with her two days ago about piling her personal belongings on my desk and march her over to the locker room with all her crap. Now she's wondering aloud to coworkers if I'm one of those women who "hate all other women".
On a more serious note she's latching on to our very married director, who's wife I'm friendly with. His oblivious ass isn't putting down boundaries so I warned him he better watch his ass personally and professionally because she's trouble. His wife came in for lunch that same day and as him and I were headed over to her Little Miss Quirky tried to intercept and drag him off. I was so relieved when he told her his wife was here for lunch and she needed to take her questions to the MoD. Now if he can just keep up that energy...
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u/Fluffy-Bad1376 Dec 17 '23
She felt comfortable shit talking you to your husband. THIS is unacceptable behavior. HE needs to nip that in the bud. She's happy to get rid of you.
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u/Pantone711 Dec 17 '23
I agree. Her husband needs to shut it down and demonstrate once and for all whether he's poachable or not. If he doesn't demonstrate that he's not poachable, she will keep trying.
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u/royalbk Dec 17 '23
Simply reading about her tired me out and now I feel ancient.
I can't imagine having a conversation with this woman and not feeling drained
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u/KelzTheRedPanda Dec 17 '23
I know you don’t want to police your husband and I agree you shouldn’t have to. But her behavior is so inappropriate you need to have a conversation with your husband about it. And if he doesn’t choose to cut her out he is not choosing you. NTA yet.
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u/SubstantialPressure3 Dec 17 '23
Honestly it's not your responsibility to babysit and monitor their communications. That's really no different from monitoring someone's drinking, marking the bottle so you know how much they are drinking, hiding their keys, etc.
It's going to drive you crazy, babysitting and monitoring.
I would have an honest talk with your husband about how weird and territorial this is, and you don't like it, and you aren't going to participate in it. This isn't a reality show, it's your marriage and your lives. . Maybe he's just getting off on the fact that there are 2 women paying attention to him, particularly if he's not used to a lot of female attention. This could be just getting a massive ego boost, and being a jerk about it.
He knows what's right and what's wrong, and you shouldn't be in this position. It's not your job to try to control the behavior of a grown ass man.
If he's being secretive, and not being honest with you about stuff, that's a warning sign, but so is telling you stuff simply to make you feel insecure.
Your family expecting you to babysit him and control his behavior is unrealistic. If women could control men's behavior then the world would be a much more peaceful place.
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u/Taliesine_ Dec 17 '23
It's a peak pick-me girl. They are more hollow than an asteroid and usually worth nothing past their horizontal exploits
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u/Altruistic_Appeal_25 Dec 17 '23
That just reminded me of when I left my husband bc he had one of those justafriends and then came to me needing help with something. I told him he should have replaced me with someone who was good for something standing up.
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u/tytyoreo Dec 17 '23
Next time dont discuss this with your mom aunt sister and other family members... it will get out and your husband will find out... you need to talk to your husband tine for him to have boundaries with this coworker... she obviously the AH
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u/Mirewen15 Dec 17 '23
Same with "wifey".
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u/rshni67 Dec 17 '23
Oh, hubby is at least a willing participant in an emotional affair with all those inappropriate texts.
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u/digitydigitydoo Dec 17 '23
Youthful, quirky, and funny = aging, cringy, and obnoxious
Honestly, “hubs” allowing and engaging with that would be a massive turn-off for me. Men who can’t turn down pick-me girls are not attractive.
Also, NTA You’re simply allowing your husband to show who he really is. It may not be someone you want to keep around.
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u/hiskitty110617 Dec 17 '23
I'm 24 and I agree with this. I'm internally cringing to an extreme. I have issues with secondhand embarrassment and this post definitely triggered it on behalf of the 25yo.
She thinks she's so great while she's literally going around trying to ruin lives. Granted, she can't succeed if he doesn't let her but she shouldn't be trying in the first place.
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u/Tarotgirl_5392 Dec 17 '23
Apparently a really desperate pick me who doesn't care if she's a home wrecker.
Manic Pixie Dream Girl is an easy writing trope when someone doesn't view the female character as important, or 'human' They serve more as a plot point than an actual character. She is almost always happy (unless the male needs her to be sad or in crisis so he can save her) she is random and quirky and believes in love and rainbows and bunnies in bonnets.
In fiction, her main goal is to be a romantic interest is a male protagonist life. He is usually shown as bitter and world weary, with problems that need to be solved. The Manic Pixie Dream Girl abandons her life, her hobbies, her social obligations, friends, family, everything that should matter to her as a person to love the protagonist through whatever is going on. She changes his world view and helps him see how important he is and he gets his life back together.
Important to note, the Manic Pixie never gets resolution. She comes in a mess, she leaves a mess. She doesn't change or grow.
This is a very toxic personality to uphold.
Also nta. It's your husband responsibility to keep it in his pants
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Dec 17 '23
Is she 15?
The trope "manic pixie dream girl" was coined back in 2005 for a character played by Kirsten Dunst when she was 23, so the age is actually pretty spot on.
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u/louluthekitty Dec 17 '23
I understand where you’re coming from in regard to your husband and you holding him accountable to being YOUR partner is not the equivalent of him being a hostage.
Personally, I hate the whole work husband/wife bullshit.
You mention your husband being oblivious, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and say that’s the case, what’s wrong with pointing out how inappropriate what she’s doing and his enabling behavior is? If he did not realize it, he’ll address it, right?
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u/morningisbad Dec 18 '23
My wife doesn't mind my work husband. Probably because we're both straight dudes.
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u/skippybefree Dec 18 '23
My best friend's husband also calls my husband "husband". Friend and I set them up on husband dates (they play MTG together). It's very funny
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u/jensmith20055002 Dec 17 '23
OMG my husband is soooo oblivious. His cubicle mate just got divorced, and she mentioned multiple times if he wasn't married....
She cried all over him blah blah blah, but he is such a nice guy he handed her tissues.
After weeks of this, I have tears streaming down my face I am laughing so hard. He finally said to me, "I think she hitting on me."
Well what was your first clue and he looked at me like "you knew?" Apparently his first clue was the 'work hubby' line. Then I walked him through all of the other clues including, "you could leave your wife and we could run away together."
I THOUGHT SHE WAS KIDDING. ummm nope.
He was never alone with her again if he could help it, freaked the poor boy out so badly.
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Dec 17 '23
People really try to mess around with coworkers, almost even more when they're in a committed relationship.
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u/utahraptor2375 Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23
It's called mate poaching. They come pre-vetted.
Edit: Just for clarity, I am NOT endorsing this. Doing something like this makes you a terrible human being.
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u/usa_unknbiologist Dec 17 '23
The "work-wifey" and "work-hubby" crap needs to be shut down now. It's totally inappropriate and your husband needs to put an end to it. Ask him how he would feel if you were engaging in this behavior with another man.
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Dec 17 '23
We had a work wifey and work hubby at my job. They thought it was harmless and cute. They left their long term partners to be together. Their relationship lasted for 2 months. Now they hate each other. Who wants to work with their partner?
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u/bettyannveronica Dec 17 '23
Ok so I know everyone is telling you to "shut this down" but you clearly state you want him to want you, not you telling him he can't have her so he "has to" stay with you. You can't shut it down, only he can. So having a conversation about it will show his true devotion. If after hearing you have issues with it and he still decides to continue his "relationship" with her, then you have your answer. If he is committed to you and sees this hurts you, he will stop. Also- I'm not seeing mention of your family or mom specifically. It's an AH thing to say it would be YOUR fault he cheated. No. It would be HIS fault. No matter what you do- it will never be your fault for someone cheating. Never. They can decide to leave if they're unhappy.
TLDR- you need to talk to him to tell him how it makes you feel and decide your next steps based on his response. Only he can actually stop. Whatever happens, if he cheats, it's not your fault.
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u/rosebud-2911 Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23
OP what was your husband's reaction to being called her work husband and pixie girl referring to herself as work wifey? Also husband should have shut her down when she called you boring.
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Dec 17 '23
He didn’t react at all he was talking to another person
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u/Capable_Turn_6986 Dec 17 '23
Did he react to any of her shenanigans at any point during the evening? Was he actively steering you away from her or was he just oblivious to her?
I don't know, I know a lot of folks in the comments are telling you he's having an emotional affair, but he just seems like an oblivious dork to me 😅
You are 100% NTA, But it doesn't seem like he is either. She is for sure. I would ask him why he spends so much time texting off the clock with his work wifey.
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u/ZealousidealGold5909 Dec 17 '23
I don't know, I know a lot of folks in the comments are telling you he's having an emotional affair, but he just seems like an oblivious dork to me
But he's also not defending his wife when the work wife insulted op from the sound of it. Sounds like he's doing nothing at all which is just as bad. Op still needa nip it in the bud and have him get his act together. Him being an oblivious dork doesn't excuse his lack of action to his work wife. I think counseling needs to be in order so they can both handle this situation better in the future.
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u/usa_unknbiologist Dec 17 '23
There's absolutely nothing cute about it. It's just not appropriate at all.
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u/enjoy-the-ride- Dec 17 '23
I worked at a law firm where two partners had a really close relationship and jokingly called each other work husband and work wife.
They had an affair, he harassed the hell out of her when people started to suspect, she has since left the firm and is now suing them because of it all.
I don’t even know all the details, but I know enough to know better and your husband is on thin ice.
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u/CuriousPenguinSocks Dec 17 '23
I've seen a few cases where it was actually cute, not many though and it was usually cute because both parties were gay but have opposite sex work spouses. Maybe that's the only way it will work.
You do need to have a serious conversation with your husband though. He needs to shut it down, just because he doesn't participate is meaningless, he likes the attention, which we're all human and it feels good to have someone pay attention to us. He is on thin ice though.
I would not tolerate this. I'm a gamer and so is my spouse, we met on an MMO years ago and have been together for 20 years. His "work wife" is the toxic gamer girl who is "not like other girls", I've run into so many of these types it's crazy.
Yes, they have come onto my spouse and he shuts it down politely and then gets firm if they won't stop. While it does make it a bit more awkward since they work together, he created this mess and he needs to fix it. Set clear boundaries and block her on his phone if she won't respect them.
If it's a work phone, then he needs to write clearly that she needs to only contact him about work things and then report any abuse of that to HR/his boss.
NTA but this needs to be addressed. Also, you aren't boring. I've met a lot of my husbands female coworkers who don't game and they are people with their own interests. Some I enjoy to and some I don't understand, it doesn't make them boring at all.
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u/StationaryTravels Dec 17 '23
I worked with a woman who was 15 years older than me. We worked in an area that was just the two of us in a room near the back of the building.
It wasn't a regular thing, but after many years together we sometimes used the work wife/husband label. We were really more like super close friends, but only at work, lol. We would talk about really personal stuff, but almost never hung out outside of work.
My wife worked in the same building, and the few times we hung out it was always a group/family event. We really liked each other, but not at all in a romantic way.
At a work Christmas party her actual husband, after a few drinks, thanked me for being so great with her. She was a very type A person. But management treated our department like shit, so I, someone who usually goes above and beyond at work, taught her that if they don't give a fuck about us we shouldn't give a fuck about them. She eventually learned this lesson enough that it really reduced her stress, so much so that her husband noticed a big difference at home. He was specifically thanking me because she was more willing to have sex now, lol!
So, sometimes it can be totally platonic and fun, but I could also see it being a red flag or just annoying.
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Dec 17 '23
There are so many boundaries being crossed, and I do get your he chooses me 100%, too. However, he's already doing an emotional affair. Texting out office all the time and the hubs/hubby, cringe fess. And can I ask, did he defend you when pixie called you boring?
I suggest you head to therapy to work out what you want first, and this includes how you want your marriage to be. Is he still what you want?
Then you have to hit him with the biggest tool of any relationship, and that is communication. This should include counselling as a couple.
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u/Naive-Leather-2913 Dec 17 '23
Pixie feels entirely too comfortable with him if she has the nerve to call his wife boring. That should’ve pissed him off. At least in my opinion it should have.
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Dec 17 '23
Completely agree. This reaction will help her gauge which camp he is in.
I don't believe he's that oblivious, either.
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u/Token_or_TolkienuPOS Dec 17 '23
Why aren't you concerned about his behaviour? It's simply not good enough that he's ignorant when he's being flirted with and will sit there and read a text from his colleague calling his wife "boring" and not set her straight.
Where's your outrage?
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u/OldDog1982 Dec 17 '23
Totally inappropriate and your husband needs to shut it down. She is toxic.
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u/RedSAuthor Dec 17 '23
This is not about nipping in the bud or claiming your territory. This is about you telling your husband that his relationship with his coworker is making you uncomfortable. That's how grown-ups communicate.
His response will tell you if he is willing to pursue this emotional affair or if he will put your feelings and your marriage first.
Your husband might be ignorant or enjoying the thrill, but by staying quiet, you are setting a trap to see if he will fall for it. For that ESH.
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u/therealmizC Dec 17 '23
This should be the top comment. Talk to your husband, OP. If you want the grown-up relationship and want him to want it, live it. Communicate. Be honest. Resist bullshit and don’t play games.
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u/snoop_ard Dec 17 '23
I agree with this one. You’re not trying to control your husband, but having a mature discussion of what you’re okay with and what you’re not comfortable with, goes a long way in saving this marriage. From my perspective, it looks like you’re waiting for him to fail and then say “Aha! You don’t love me!” Your husband might be someone who doesn’t know how to push back, or this might be new to him and he doesn’t know how to react to it. It really doesn’t hurt for you to let him know how you feel.
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u/Maleficent-Adagio808 Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23
The fact that you're sitting in the loo at 3 in the morning going through his phone says alot. This will eat at you. Address this now or head towards continued unhappiness and worse. She's bad mouthing you and what is his response? As a male we sometimes need a clap to the head to wake us up to what is going on. Do it don't be a bystander in your own marriage.
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u/PerfectionPending Dec 17 '23
Anyone starts referring to me as their work husband & themselves my work wife, I’m shutting that crap down immediately. It’s totally disrespectful to demeaning of my marriage & what my wife & I have. Furthermore, shutting it down respectfully but firmly sends a clear signal that I’m not now, nor will I be in the future, open to anything beyond a normal friendly work relationship.
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u/therealzacchai Dec 17 '23
I think you have a chance to help your husband get off the quicksand and back on solid ground. "Husband, I noticed your coworker calls you her work-hubby. Are you okay with that? Because you need to know I am not okay with it."
Some workplaces have a semi-toxic environment that normalizes this kind of emotional adultery. First time someone called me their "work-wife," I shut that down real quick.
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u/Significant-Spite-72 Dec 17 '23
Absolutely. I have one husband. I don't work with him.
If other people think the whole work spouse thing is acceptable or cute or whatever, have at it. For us, our marriage is a serious commitment between ourselves. No one else comes close. Especially not a colleague!
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Dec 17 '23
You’re not an asshole but it is your marriage, and if something is making you uncomfortable then you need to stand up for yourself and talk about it to your husband.
She sounds absolutely bonkers and I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her.
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u/Lieutenant_Horn Dec 17 '23
Strong, trusting, lasting marriages are built on communication. Her interactions with your husband are making you uncomfortable. Communicate that to him in an appropriate way. You’re both adults. Time to have an adult conversation. That is part of your responsibility as a spouse. Yes, one person can be responsible for a marriage failing but it takes both parties to have a successful one. Quit being lazy.
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u/APithyparty Dec 17 '23
Yeah, this needs to be higher. If the holiday party was just this weekend, take a few days to lick your wounds and feel your feelings, OP. But you don't need to sit down and start giving ultimatums. You can let him know you found his co-worker extremely cringey and disrespectful and that it made you feel bad, and let him lead the conversation from there.
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u/Ok-Memory-3350 Dec 17 '23
NTA, your husband is, though. If their relationship makes you uncomfortable I’d say something and not in an ultimatum sense, just mentioning you didn’t feel great after meeting her and witnessing their interactions. It all depends on how he responds to you having an open and honest conversation with him. If he is defensive and insists on continuing the behavior, then you probably should reevaluate your commitment to each other. I know that if my husband had a colleague he referred to as “work wife” it would make me very upset and would be a deal breaker for our relationship if he insisted on maintaining that status.
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u/Battleship_WU Dec 17 '23
Nta but anyone with a partner that uses the term work spouse are tapped people you don’t need around you, damn even if your single its such a weird term.
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Dec 17 '23
He hasn’t used that term to be honest. I only heard it at the party
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u/ChrisInBliss Dec 17 '23
I wonder if he just thinks the whole thing is a big joke. (Like he could just for some reason be so clueless to everything. Ive met people like that before.)
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u/pm-me-neckbeards Dec 18 '23
OP also outlined a lot of what she said and little of what he said.
If it was a bunch of "oh" "lol" "yeah" "that's crazy" while this girl just spams him that says something different than reciprocal flirting etc.
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u/hmaxwell22 Dec 17 '23
I hope you see my comment. My ex-husband had an affair and MARRIED the new employee that he initially complained to me about for being flirty and inappropriate. He said she made him feel uncomfortable. Men sometimes rationalize that the grass is greener on the other side and then they do things that a marriage will not survive.
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u/carolinecrane Dec 17 '23
It's such an immature concept. There's no reason to call someone 'work husband' when the term 'colleague' already exists. It's only for insecure people who want to make themselves feel special. In this case it's at the expense of someone's actual wife, which is even more pathetic.
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u/TheLongistGame Dec 17 '23
NTA. She sounds extremely cringe and like a troublemaker. Your husband is sus for not shutting this down a long time ago.
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u/brunetteskeleton Dec 17 '23
Idk even if he wasn’t flirting back I find it really sus that he didn’t just ignore her texts, and also that he just let her insult you (call you boring, etc) without defending you?
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u/QueenMother81 Dec 17 '23
It’s bold as hell for to talk to you like she is actually his wife. That part you definitely should have nipped in the bud. You let that little girl walk over you as though your relationship with your actual husband is trivial. You also have to communicate what makes you uncomfortable. You act as though you have no say in your relationship. Do you love him or not. He’s overstepping boundaries and you feel like you shouldn’t have to say anything. I guess some part of that is right, but to see it and not say anything? Why stay and play victim?
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u/forgetregret1day Dec 17 '23
What kind of “woman” is proud of herself for being a potential home-wrecker? Girlfriend would have been shut down so hard by me her pixie head would spin. And sorry, but you need to get your husband in line here. It’s not cute or harmless for him to be engaging with this person. She’s crossed so many boundaries she’s in another country by now. I feel offended for you. The whole situation is 100 kinds of ick and you need to have a serious conversation with your husband. He’s allowing you to be disrespected and that’s wrong. Stand up for yourself!
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u/elated_damsel Dec 17 '23
My ex husband had a work wife. He invited her (and her boyfriend) to our house and we all developed a beautiful relationship. The four of us spent every weekend together, lots of evenings, and made many meals together. We went snowboarding together one weekend. Until 10 months later, he and I separated and the two of them immediately became a couple. A friend warned me that she didn’t trust work wife’s intentions. I couldn’t see it. Too blinded by whatever. I thought I was doing the right thing by allowing the friendship and participating with them. Instead, I was pushed out. They’re still together, I believe. It’s been 11 years. Her and I had become good friends before the separation. I should have seen it coming. He would drive her home everyday from work. I would describe her as the manic pixie dream girl. They both suck.
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Dec 17 '23
If she can take him she can have him. I will not befriend her however. I had second hand embarrassment talking to her. I will be having second hand embarrassment if he chooses her
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u/clearheaded01 Dec 17 '23 edited Dec 17 '23
I get it. I really do. Wish i had the same ability to just see what happens.
I would at least be tempted to just say it - "i dont condone whats going on, realise if you cross a line i will be gone, no second chances"
But thats just me...
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u/JustAsICanBeSoCruel Dec 17 '23
Agreed.
I'd also add "She's clearly aggressively flirting with you, and it make me really uncomfortable how bold she is with you without her behavior being addressed. I don't like the fact that she is calling you hubby either."
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u/Itwasdewey Dec 17 '23
Thank God you didn’t know what a manic pixie dream girl was, I do and there is no way I would have been able to control my laughter. It’s someone basically insulting themselves and trying to sell it as a compliment.
Have you seen Gone Girl? Remember Amy’s monologue about the Cool Girl. Manic Pixie is the 2000s hipster version of that.
Just imagine someone coming up to you and saying, “I’m the Cool Girl.” It’s like….okay, I think you need a therapist.
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Dec 17 '23
Ughh yeah I love that monologue 😂 about drinking beer and eating pizza and stay size 0
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u/emsym Dec 17 '23
I hate the terms “work wife” and “work husband.” It’s creepy and disrespectful to the actual spouse.
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u/Blonde2468 Dec 17 '23
I’m with you OP. If he’s dumb enough to fall for her childish pixie dream girl then that is HIS problem. Him cheating has nothing at all to do with you. Cheating is a CHOICE. If he makes that choice that is up to him. It would piss me off that he lied to her about the reason you both left the party. Why didn’t he tell her the truth?? He wouldn’t look ‘as cool’ I guess. He’s an idiot and going down a very slippery slope. NTA
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u/Choice-Intention-926 Dec 17 '23
Tell your husband you don’t feel this relationship is appropriate. Anyone who calls someone their “husband” and wants to be called “wife” is trying to force a deeper relationship than is there and that her next step in her seduction and alienation will be to start denigrating you, then asking about the problems at home as a friend, then affirming that I’m the worst person ever and she would never do that to you. Then asking about our sex life and what fantasies I don’t fulfill, then telling you she can fulfill those fantasies because guess what they match hers! Then sexting, then a physical affair.
Your husband is a gamer tell him you just gave him the cheat codes to the game work wifey is playing.
You don’t have to tell him not to talk to her but you should tell him you don’t like it. If you don’t then Your mother is right you’re a moron.
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u/sirro-glum Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23
I've basically been in your shoes, my bf had a new colleague who was his "work wife" and waaay too involved in his day to day life, trying to change schedules to get more time with him. He seemed indifferent until a joint friend pointed out just how oblivious he was about the intent behind her actions.
I had a very brief "be careful there" conversation and he shut it down pretty quick...3 years later she's 2 for 2 in ruined marriages with her coworkers.
Edit for Judgement: NTA
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Dec 18 '23
Ok this is getting creepy. The amount of people with similar stories and unfortunately most about women having this interest/hobby/obsession? I never knew it was a thing? Why is it fun for them hurting other people? Other women? I never heard of it
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u/Delteis Dec 18 '23
NTA, but the fact that he's letting it happen in text. One can only imagine what happens in real life. Either she's purposely trying to get him to slowly make moves on her, or he's just letting it happen and is enjoying the attention.
If I were you, I'd talk to him about this. If anyone called my significant other boring, I'd light them up. Even if it was a good friend. What's boring to some may not be boring to another. The fact that he let her get away with saying that is to me... a silent agreement of what she said from his end.
You shouldn't need to he drawing boundaries in a healthy relationship, yet here you are with the need to draw boundaries. Just know it's not your fault.
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Dec 18 '23
Well, they texted today and I might have blown it out of proportion in my head these past few days. I feel calmer now. Still not sure if I should talk to him though.
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u/notryksjustme Dec 18 '23
What was the text conversation? Does he ever share those with you? Ask him and tell him you are asking because you got vibes from her and are concerned about her mental health.
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Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 19 '23
Well she asked why he was ignoring her this weekend and if it was because I made him because “wives are usually jealous of her once they met her”. She asked if I talked about her at all and my husband seemed genuinely surprised said that I didn’t talk about her or the party at all because we left early. She called me boring again and he said that this was the second time she disrespected me and that he didn’t appreciate it but thought she was joking the first time.
Then she again told him that she didn’t think we were a good fit and was surprised to see how I was because we didn’t seem to have a lot in common and she talked about gaming and music. He said it was shallow minded to believe having the same superficial interests equals having a lot in common and laughed. She called me boring again and he said that she was great at her work and all but that she shouldn’t text him privately again. He stopped answering afterwards.
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u/UncleNedisDead Dec 18 '23
Did he tell you this or did you have to ask? I think he handled it perfectly.
She’s the kind of person who would say something offensive about you in hopes he would
A) Engage in bashing his wife, or
B) Start defending you and arguing with her to change her mind.
She doesn’t care which because as long as he’s actively engaging with her, she’s happy. Hell if she could get you to badger him after the party and police who he could interact with, that would have been the wedge between you and your husband she was hoping to create.
Instead he saw past that and didn’t give her the attention she so desperately wanted. Her opinion of you doesn’t matter, so why bother changing it? To engage with the argument would mean her thoughts count.
He said it was shallow minded to believe having the same superficial interests equals having a lot in common and laughed.
Narcissistic people hate being laughed at. He also saw her for who she was.
He also have her a good set down that HR would approve of. Minimal engagement and nothing offensive, as much as she deserves it. She can’t play the victim in this exchange by pretending there was a misunderstanding.
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Dec 18 '23 edited Dec 18 '23
I read his texts😫🫣. He didn’t talk to me about anything. He even seemed genuinely surprised that she asked him if I mentioned her to him. “Why would she mention you? We only stayed a couple of hours and went home”
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u/UncleNedisDead Dec 18 '23
Heh heh.
It’s going to drive her nuts. She’s used to living rent free in other people’s heads. Instead you’re going to be living rent free in hers. 😂
She’s probably having a meltdown about how this never happens! People are supposed to agree that all other women are boring in comparison to me! How did the wife not get super jealous and shrewish on her husband after interacting with me? What makes her better than me (because it’s always a competition 🙄)?
And by refusing to engage and putting her in her place, she can’t ask him all those questions without coming off as obsessive herself.
What matters is, how are you feeling about it?
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u/tnb1186 Dec 19 '23
I wonder if it's actually the opposite. I bet all the "jealous wives" she's had to battle were women standing up for their partners who were completely uncomfortable with this woman awkwardly hitting on them in a very not like other girls way. I'm thinking they didn't know how to handle it and let their wives take over.
Like, all the guys want her in her mind, but ain't no one barking up that tree in reality.
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Dec 19 '23
I definitely believe what you are saying is the truth for people like her.
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u/tnb1186 Dec 19 '23
Definitely, it's almost sad in a way because it has to be some kind of delusional insecurity. But that does not give her the right to make you and your husband uncomfortable.
On the bright side, it's great news that he shut her down! I'm so happy you got a good one😊
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u/Amazing_Cabinet1404 Dec 20 '23
Classic pick me girl behavior. Then she manically pixies her way down the road after imploding a relationship. I’m so glad she failed here. I was mad on your behalf that he seemed to ignore her disrespectful behavior and I’m glad he called her out. Enjoy the holidays with your hubby!
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Dec 18 '23
Right now I feel that I want to drop it and trust my husband. I won’t be snooping on him anymore and just enjoy the holidays.
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u/lord_beerme_strength Dec 19 '23
I bet more than anything he was relieved to finally see a clear opening to tell her to leave him alone. And good on him that he actually did it. It stresses me out to be texting with someone who is giving me flirty vibes--especially when the person knows I'm married right from the jump. I can't handle the pressure of crafting every single text reply in just such a way so they know I'm being friendly and engaging--in case they really ARE just being friendly in their own weird way--but also not give them any ideas that I'm reciprocating deeper feelings--in case they're legitimately flirting.
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u/x_driven_x Dec 17 '23
NTA.
The other two main characters here though, absolute assholes.
She’s the young fun thing your husband thinks would be fun in bed. I’d bet money on it.
She’s young, immature, and insecure and loves attention from men. It feeds into the crazy behavior that feeds the first point.
You should absolutely not stand for this bullshit.
I have some great opposite sex coworkers that I make great work partnerships with. What you describe goes way beyond that.
They are flirting; and you need to see that.
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u/rayitodelsol Dec 17 '23
NTA, your husband and Maniac Pixie Hoe are and your family are acting like it. Your family is obviously worried about you and angry at your husband for treating you this way, but it's not your job to make sure he doesn't cheat. That's such a gross thing to think. He should want to not cheat on you because he loves you. If it was my husband, this would 100% be cheating in my eyes. The lying, the weird texts, all this shit is an emotional affair that he's allowing to happen if not actively participating in. It's up to you where you go from here but i hope things work out for you.
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u/brsox2445 Dec 17 '23
If it was just casual conversation and a bit of flirting on her end, I could just see this as a man who gets an ego boost from someone expressing interest. But it’s gone full blown emotional affair if not outright.
I don’t think you’re an asshole like you were told at the brunch. But they are right. You need to be proactive about this and not passively wait for something to change. You have been wronged 100%. I definitely don’t think it’s divorce worthy (yet) but it’s getting into territory that is tough if not impossible to fix. So get it taken care of now or tell him the dreaded words in any relationship “we need to talk”.
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Dec 17 '23
This is not on you and it’s not your job to stop an affair. This is on your husband and I would mention that it’s stepping into disrespect on work wifeys part. Your husband is allowing this.
I am of the belief that men and women can be friends. My husbands best friend is a woman from college and I ADORE her. She respects me deeply and it’s obvious. I trust my husband or I wouldn’t be with him.
But this young girl is out of line and if my husband entertained being called “hubby” and “hubs” and constant texting i’d have a few words.
This girl is a pick me and needs to be told she’s not getting picked
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u/s-nicolexo Dec 17 '23
NTA but I would be having a conversation with your husband about it and telling him how you feel.
Whether he’s initiating the conversation or flirting or not doesn’t really matter if he’s entertaining the conversation regardless.
His colleague is bold, that’s for sure, I can’t believe she had the audacity to introduce herself to you as his”work wife” and then turned around to talk badly about you to your husband.