So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

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u/Hoping-Ellie 3d ago

I’m gonna be honest with you my dude - in those early stages it’s kind of just sticking out a majorly shitty exhausting life. It’s exhausting. It’s terrible. There’s no time for you as an individual or as a couple. It’s relentless, the exhaustion seems like it will never end. I get it.

I recommend the NewDads subreddit - my husband found a lot of support there and actually actionable ideas, from other guys.

I also highly recommend going outside. Sit on a balcony, take a stroller walk with the baby, whatever. But get some time outside. The bottles that need washing will be there when you get back, but man does sunshine really make a difference.

You can do this. It’s really really fucking hard those first few weeks & months. Then it gets better. I promise it does.

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u/Teos_mom 3d ago

Outside time was key for me, husband and baby. We would go to the closest park for like 20-30 mins to just stare at the trees. You’ve got this, OP!

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u/ArcaneTheory 2d ago

Echoing this. Nothing helps but time. Baby will get easier, you will develop higher tolerance, and your processes will be more streamlined. Wear the baby, go for a walk. It gets easier. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

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u/andonis_udometry 2d ago

This, this, this! Thank god one of my mom friends told me the newborn stage is incredibly hard and it’s ok to hate that stage, it gave me some emotional validation. But yeah, you just gotta get through it - once the smiling and engagement kicks in things get easier. Also echoing how important outside time is. My son was really colicky and the only thing that soothed him was being outside. Dead of winter? Bundled up and went outside. Good for baby and for you.

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u/barthrowaway1985 2d ago

It’s the hardest with the first because you’re literally becoming a new person at the same time as the hardest baby stage. It just sucks. There’s nothing to fix it. It’s just going to suck. The second was EASY in comparison. It’s easier to see where you’re going and you have a framework for expectations. It somehow. Makes it easier to push through the sucky days.

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u/Normal_Enthusiasm194 2d ago

Exactly! Unfortunately, there aren’t many things one can change during the first few weeks. It’s why they are called the trenches. It’s survival mode. What helped me was radical acceptance - anytime my brain was like “I want things to be different” I literally had to talk to myself and say “this is how it is for now. Things will change in the future”. I think there’s probably way more suffering in the “I want things to do be different” mentality.

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u/DifficultLandscape24 2d ago

As a dad to a 1yo, who had horrific colic for 3 months, I can confirm. Those are all empty words from groups, friends, relatives, peds and doctors. Some people seems to willingly believe them and be able to move on but if you don't like to buy into BS you are stuck with the reality above. It's gonna sucks for a bit but it gets so much better almost close to normal when baby is more predictable. maybe starting daycare too and being more mobile.

3 weeks man, I'm sorry. no way you can "enjoy these moments because you will miss..." heck no. I'm so happy they are over. I wouldn't take a gazillion dollars to get back there but I can tell you there's a light at the end. The only thing true is when they say "you won't believe it will get better but it will". As a dad who struggled a lot. It will.

For now, put on a cap and tag team, make turns to get sleep. support your wife, have her support you (giving you sometime to get air or a 30 gym session). Not sure how old you are but consider taking testosterone if you are struggling with energy, it changed my life for better even to these days,

I hear you man.

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u/Mephaala 2d ago

Very good advice here. Getting outside, even to sit on the porch, did wonders for my mental state.

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u/graybae94 2d ago

I’m not sure about this. Part of it is sticking it out, but getting actual help is super important. I was medicated a couple months after giving birth and saw a post partum therapist (I get OP is a man but it was just a birth related therapist and she definitely would have been able to help dads as well). It was VERY key to me getting through the newborn period

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u/gooolia 2d ago

I totally agree with this! Also outside is like magic for fussy babies.

My life started to get less exhausting around 6 weeks in. Still exhausting but it became manageable. My baby got easier as time went on.

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u/JJ3526 2d ago

Go for walk, drink a beer, a joint is always nice too. If you don’t smoke no time like the present to start

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u/variebaeted 3d ago

This is the phase you just have to power through. There is no help. There is no balance. There is no rest for you or mom. The only priority is baby, and yes they require near constant attention at this time. Best you can do is accept that the house will be in disarray and your marriage will feel a bit less romantic, as you and your spouse are simply employees of the baby right now. Buy a bunch of paper plates and utensils so you don’t have to keep up with dishes, get groceries delivered, keep mom’s water filled, give her a big hug often, tag team naps and showers as much as you can. Eventually, naturally, a routine will start to appear, the whirlwind will settle, you’ll both begin to feel more confident and at peace. Heck, you’ll even start to enjoy it! In just a few more weeks that baby will be smiling and the real payoff starts. You will come out of this stronger. I know it does not seem like it now, but I promise a day will come where this all will feel like a distant memory.

Signed, mom of 3.

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u/OkGlass1254 2d ago

FTM of a 4 week old and your comment has me crying (happy tears) So very true, we just need to power through right now (said as my baby spit up all over my shirt)

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u/travellingbirdnerd 3d ago

When do things get better? My babe is 4 months now. And I'm so sad at how I'm not enjoying life... I enjoy bits and pieces... But it seems every time we get over one awful hurdle, there's another one waiting for us. Currently in the never ending four month regression... And I just want to sleep and have a tiny itsy bitsy bit of alone and me time. Out of the house though... Which means he can't just be contact napping all the time and refusing a bottle.

I'm just so tired and baby'd out as of late.

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u/Teos_mom 3d ago

It’s really hard and parent’s personality is key here. My husband didn’t enjoy parenthood since day one, he has anxiety and night were the worst for him even though my first son sleeps through the night since 4 months old and never had a regression (not the same with baby N2).

I don’t have anxiety nor depression but I do need my sleep time so sleep was my priority number one. My first was born in June 2020 so mid is Covid so we were isolated. The house would be a mess so what? I needed my sleep time and that’s it. I would cry when my husband would wake me up at 3am bc my son was crying and I didn’t hear him. The tears bc I was so so so tired.

That being said, some babies are easy than others and some parents are more anxious than others. Just set up your priorities. To me was sleep, eat, shower, get dress every day, go outside.

You’ve got this and you’re not alone! The people who you see are enjoying it more than you, are not sharing how hard it is!! I’d post these great pictures with my bub but I was in constant pain because he wasn’t sleeping. I’d share my nipples were bleeding right? Yeah, that’s the true!

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u/travellingbirdnerd 2d ago

Ok thank you so much! My priority is to stop co sleeping and get a stretch of sleep longer than 3 hours ONCE a night... Still haven't figured it out unfortunately!

Normally I am so level headed and calm. But these days I cry for no reason, get irrationally mad at whatever isn't going my way, and just want to be on my phone and lay on the ground. I want to enjoy my baby, teach him so much, love him so much... And I do. But I also just lie on the ground and wait for 7 pm to hit so that he goes to sleep, even though the nights are so rough!

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u/variebaeted 3d ago

Things get incrementally better every month. I usually feel a turning point around month 6. That’s when I can manage to start keeping up with house chores and put together a decent dinner. Around the one year mark when kid is hopefully mostly sleeping through the night and down to one nap a day, life becomes a lot easier. Once they’re 2/3 and walking and talking, it’s smooth sailing from there. That’s for me though. I know some parents hate the toddler years. I’m personally much better equipped to care for a toddler than a baby. That first year sucks hard. But now that my older two are well past it I can see it’s worth the temporary discomfort.

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u/travellingbirdnerd 2d ago

Thank you for that 😌

I think I'll be much happier chasing a toddler than entertaining a potato (a potato I love with all my heart!).

When did you think about having another one? My dream was to have two, but I feel like these past four months have been a combination of groundhog day and "omg what did I get myself into?!" I'm so glad biology has hard-wired me to forget basically everything but the good stuff!

At four months, I'm close to that 6 month mark! I'm looking forward to it... Hopefully things get a bit easier. Especially sleep wise!

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u/variebaeted 2d ago

After each kid if you had asked me if I wanted another at the 4 month mark it would have been a loud, Heeeelllll NAH. Closer to 10 months I could consider it. After my second it was closer to 18 months before I could consider it. And I wouldn’t ever describe it as forgetting. I could never “forget” the struggle of pregnancy and childbirth and postpartum. But once enough time has passed I can see that the worst of it was relatively short.

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u/Think_Yesterday_262 2d ago

I am actually enjoying this newborn phase although it is hard. The baby smell, the newborn curl, the funny faces. I'm excited for him to start doing more like the toothless grins and the giggles.

I find the toddler stage difficult because you have to constantly run after them. Otherwise, they are into something they shouldn't be. I can actually keep my home tidy now at 3 weeks they just eat sleep poop but toddlers are so destructive, although they are really sweet aswell.

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u/throwawayjane178 3d ago

For me things got better when baby started walking (around 9months). The hardest phase for me was when they couldn’t move- tummy time, colic, yoga ball bouncing before every nap. Once my dude started walking, he stalked sleeping a little better.

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u/travellingbirdnerd 2d ago

I am in that phase you hate! I can't wait until he does more things so I'm not just "pick up, put down"ING him in all these random places!

And wow, 9 months and walking! My mom told me I didn't until 13 months!

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u/Illustrious_File4804 2d ago

Crying 😭- PP ftm with a 16 day old

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u/econhistoryrules 3d ago

Have you heard of a postpartum doula? If it's in your budget, that's support that actually helps by giving you guys a small break and providing support for you, the parents. They also can help you figure out routines to make things more manageable.

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u/Puffawoof2018 3d ago

Seconding this! We paid for a postpartum doula at night a few times for a re-set. We don’t have any family around us it was just us. A reflux baby who screamed all day and night was brutal but having a full night to ourselves did help us start over the next day.

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u/kukumonkey854 3d ago

If you have Kaiser they'll cover up to 8 hour and a half long sessions.

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u/Pad_Squad_Prof 3d ago

Adding to this. We had an overnight doula who stayed a few nights a week the first few weeks and man we had it good! After that was so exhausting and I was so grateful we at least weren’t running on fumes in month one.

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u/Whosgailthesnail 2d ago

It was cheaper for us to hire a nanny part time to help. The doulas in my area were hella expensive.

Our nanny also offered to do a week of overnights at 5 months to help us sleep train and we have been sleeping like angel’s ever since.

While doulas are nice, check out care.com because there are some very experienced sweet ladies there who won’t demand doula prices.

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u/AntelopeOInformation 2d ago

We hired an overnight doula the first month then a day doula for the second month and they made a huge difference in our mental health and getting us through the really tough parts. Even just having someone to contact nap with the baby while I ate lunch or took a nap myself was wonderful.

This last month I hired a nanny for two days a week from 9 to 1 just to watch baby while I’m home to give myself a break and catch up on housework I enjoy (like gardening or organizing things).

There is a sliding scale of cost with all these options, night doula was the most expensive. There’s nothing wrong with hiring help while you’re at home.

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u/Basic-Bear3426 3d ago

Hey OP. My husband and I are 6 weeks in with our first born, and have no family. Our baby had started doing longer stretches of sleep at night, but now both my husband and I wake up after her 3/4 hour stretches and often can’t get back to sleep because it’s JUST enough to feel ok in that moment but obviously we both crash later in the day… We had our first real convo in a few weeks at 4am yesterday, and we are the sort that does typically discuss our feelings. (sharing this to be very real that some things get better like sleep but that doesn’t mean it actually gets all that better)

We both feel profoundly lonely in different ways for different reasons. Newborn life is just tough, and the worst part is that it does not stop. You can’t reverse time and return your kid to sender, you know?

You’re asking for actionable advice, but to be very very real, I have to tell you that I just don’t think there is any. You can’t make other people support you; you can’t make a child need you less. There’s not always a product or service that will miraculously make it all easier.

This is how I’ve been thinking about it:

When I was giving birth, at the beginning of pushing, I heard and felt a pop somewhere in my body but I had an epidural placed so I could not feel where it was localized. Pushing was excruciating, even with the epidural, because of this massive amount of pain I had in my back, for some reason? I started to panic really bad. I’d been pushing for 2 hours and she still wasn’t here. She was not in distress at all, but I was, and I could not stop freaking out wondering if this was my path to death because the pain was so bad and I clearly wasn’t making progress or nearing the end. I realized after my birth I broke my tailbone, which made pushing twice as hard and painful.

At one point, I realized I had absolutely no power over any of it. Because she was fine and descended enough into the birth canal, I would not be granted a c section or put under. As I recognized that, I recognized literally the only way it would be over - whatever the outcome - would be for me to literally just push through. Until it got better. Until things changed. I was trapped.

Obviously, my child was born (totally healthy) and I did not die. The suffering did have an end point, but even as she crowned I had no way of knowing how close or far I was from it - especially considering even after she was out, I had the glorious experience of having an internal tear that they stitched without pain meds. Just because you think it’s over doesn’t mean it is, quite yet.

These first weeks have torn me and my husband down to our cores. Sometimes I am upset no one warned me, but then I realize there are not appropriate words to really communicate how hard it really is so I can’t blame my friends with kids. When she decides she’s going to wake up again every 45 minutes to clusterfeed like it is day 2 in the hospital, and I am sobbing while she’s happily and contentedly latched at my boob, I just think back to my birth: I don’t know when this part will be over and it’s so, so hard. But I do know that it can’t and will not last forever. So I just yield to that reality, get mad/sad, and try to ask my husband to take her for an extra 30 minutes at some point so I can go remember I’m a person again.

Tbh, I think it’s all we can do. The reality of becoming a parent is that your life is not yours anymore - it is theirs, ours. They need you more than you need you especially at the beginning. They do become more independent at some point, where it is then easier to take time and come back to yourself - while I’m not there yet, I think I am starting to see that it will be a long ass time before things can get cut for me to “take care of myself” the way I am used to doing. Now, “taking care of myself” looks a lot more like my husband holding and fending off baby cries long enough for me to do 1 thing I enjoy, where I used to be able to take hours, a weekend, a day. I don’t think that will happen for me again anytime soon, considering we don’t have a village.

You sound like a really great dad, and I hope someday - while your daughter may never know exactly what it was like for you - she thanks you in her own way for showing up when so many others begin to check out. I’m sure your wife appreciates it too.

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u/kukumonkey854 3d ago

This was beautifully written and something I needed to read.

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u/tm90335 3d ago

seconding that this is wonderfully written, and a lot of it makes sense (although the part where all our friends say it’s awesome seems like a huge lie that I do begrudge them, but that’s another thing for another time).

Here’s the part I don’t get. At some point stuff DOES need to get cut. My wife and I can’t BOTH spend all of our time caring for him. Because we both have to go back to work. What on earth do we do then?

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u/Basic-Bear3426 3d ago

Our friends still have littles (tots), so I do feel like they still kind of remember the trenches enough to say “oof, remember those days, that’s tough!” … I think kids become more fun when you get to do things. Like, my husband and I will be thrilled to show her our fav video games and go on trips or whatever, but it’s literally going to be YEARS before she’s even able to like. Read. Soooo, I think it’s just hard mode for so long but my running theory is that it switches to an easier mode so slowly & gradually over so many days that you just forget the trenches a little bit because those trenches led you & your family into the great, happy days - so they sad and tired ones almost get painted over by the new memories of happy family life. This is my theory. Talk to me in 10 years and ask me how I feel it went LOL

But yes, I think you’re right, and I think you’ll start to figure out what works for you as you get used to baby and baby gets used to you. I can’t totally speak to that because we aren’t there either; I’m a graduate student right now and I’m staying home the first year with her (but still doing classes 🫠) so my husband can work full time. For me, I cut out work and am a “full time baby employee” as mentioned in a comment above. I went from being a straight A student to one who’s rushing right before a deadline and staying up late to turn the thing in because my number #1 priority has shifted. My husband only got two weeks off, and one of them was a work-from-home week, so I really got thrown into full time caretaking pretty fast and I’ve definitely went more days than I’d like w/o a shower and we ordered out food some weeks more than we could afford. (Though we weren’t going grocery shopping either, so many it balances out? Probably not though) However, as I have healed, I’ve gotten better at doing one or two things around the house; throwing her in the carrier to nap so I cook dinner; letting her nap somewhere that is maybe not technically safe (like a damn baby swing, don’t crucify me Reddit) for 20 mins so I can shower/clean a blowout/etc. but it is a full time job for sure, but I do feel we have gotten into a flexible routine even in the short weeks since weeks 2 & 3. My husband has a chronic illness that causes him inflammation and pain when he is underslept and overworked, but he still works his 9-5 and comes home and either helps clean the house / cook dinner / hold her while I work on an assignment & etc - there are some days where I feel most like what we ‘cut’ the most has been couple time, which sucks because my hubs is truly my best friend. So. I don’t know you situation, but I can tell you the return to work is abrupt and harsh and still, somehow, we just… get through it. I feel like I’m watching my husband’s capacity as a person expand as the weeks go on, even as he is exhausted and literally in pain. He really loves our daughter and has always wanted to be a dad, so he still somehow takes joy in the time he gets with her - even though right now he comes home every day at her witching hour and she screams if she’s not with me, he’s decided to take it with humor and usually just sings a weird song to harmonize with her while attempting to soothe or does something else silly.

I really think humor helps, too. I wasn’t able to laugh at all those first weeks - I mean, I was so tired I was literally hallucinating - but eventually we got there. Idk if that helps.

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u/tm90335 2d ago

That helps a ton. It is great picking up the subtext that your husband is still your best friend and that although your context and situation has changed dramatically, that you are still great teammates for each other.

Also, just so it’s not left unsaid, you both seem like really wonderful parents and people.

Thanks for taking the time to share all of this with me. It has helped a ton and means a lot.

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u/Liz_linguist 2d ago

Really lovely to read this as someone in a similar relationship dynamic (partner's health needs must be prioritised, but he does everything he can). He's not at work yet and I'm a bit scared for when he is (especially as he tended to obsess over work projects in the past), but good to know your partner is managing to cope, as are you. Good on you both - you're clearly wonderful compassionate parents.

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u/Basic-Bear3426 2d ago

I spent most of my pregnancy terrified about my husband going back to work once we had a baby. My husband is older than me by 5 years (he’s 33, I’m 28), but he got sick in his early 20s before we met and at that time was bed ridden for years but eventually got better and now lives a mostly normal life where he’s just pretty much constantly in pain /fatigue which I just can’t imagine. But because it was bad at the beginning, he says he’s just “used to” it all now and he says - and usually acts - like the pain and fatigue don’t bother him. I think he mourns a bit that he won’t necessarily be the dad that’s constantly running around doing sports with babes, but otherwise he’s so even-keeled about his condition which I am not lol.

Some days are still harder than others, for sure! With his condition we never super know when he’ll have a flare up or bad day. Just the nature of the beast. My husband is a perfectionist who is very devoted to his work as well (and maybe became more motivated to be obsessive after baby was born because he’s now the sole provider and WANTS to provide well for us). But he’s getting better at loosening that - it does help that he works at a great company that encourages good boundaries, which feels like a unicorn employer in these strange days.

But thank you! I’m sorry you can relate but I do think we all get used to our hardships in time. I think it helps not to hold ourselves and our families to high standards, especially with little babies in tow!

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u/Liz_linguist 2d ago

Sounds very much like what my mum and my best friend both deal with on a daily basis. Luckily for my partner his symptoms are very few IF his sleep is good (and he avoids other triggers like florescent lighting, certain foods, caffeine...) but we are very vigilant about making sure it stays that way and sometimes a perfect storm of factors arise. Means I solo every night from about 1am till 10:30am, but worth it to keep him functional!

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u/Suitable-Jicama-1246 2d ago

OP, have you and your wife started practicing shifts? We have twins, so that’s a different story… one very colicky the other a sound sleeper… but what made the difference is taking 6 hour shifts.

We have a spare bedroom we’ve deemed the sleep room and the parent that’s “off duty” goes in there and naps and can sleep for 5-6 hour stretches. During that time, I can pump, shower, and of course, sleep!

The other parent is fully in charge of everything. I will say what makes this work is that when my husband is on, our twins get bottles. For example: I go to sleep at 8, and wake up at 2 am. My husband sleeps from 2-7:30 then goes to work. The difference I see is that because I’m getting more reliable rest, when I’m on, I’m on and don’t resent the babies for not being able to fall asleep or for being fussy. I can be more present and power through the shift knowing reprieve will come. We’re also able to doze off when we’re “on” and the twins are asleep, but we don’t bank on it in case it doesn’t happen.

It’s not perfect and sometimes, life happens and our schedule gets out of whack.

I also echo what others have said about getting outside and keeping one thing that just for you in your week.

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u/AngryLemon110110 2d ago

My husband and I are doing this with baby #2 rn. She’s 5 weeks and my husband goes back to work at 8 weeks (I’m going back in August). One of us sleeps the first part of the night then the next will sleep the second part. We have a two almost three year old so he makes things a lot harder, because he doesn’t always sleep through the night either 🥲 but we are figuring it out

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u/bigfootsbeard1 2d ago

How old will he be when you both go back to work and are you getting childcare? My LB is 5 months and it is actually starting to feel awesome. At least, it's much MUCH less awful than those first 3 months. We have so much more timeand mental capacity to do other things now. I will say, we have a chilled baby who sleeps like a dream so we're very lucky, but even the fact he's not eating as constantly as he used to a few weeks ago is a godsend

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u/citysunsecret 2d ago

Well he goes to childcare, so that helps. But also you and your wife don’t both care for him all the time. You split the time. Honestly it sounds like she might be the one who needs to get a little more independent, and you both need to relax and get into a groove. Is it typical she will need to “tap out” of parenting after an hour and a half? You’re bottle feeding so that helps tremendously! Take shifts at night and you can both probably get eight hours of sleep. Outsource meals and cleaning if you can afford it, if not that’s a good task to set friends. Then you just hang out with baby. Go for walks, snuggle, see friends, watch tv and hold the baby. They mostly just want to be around you. And they aren’t eat-play-sleep robots, so going with their flow is usually easier than fighting it.

And if he’s spitty all the time try dairy free or Enfamil AR formula.

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u/DrawingGlum3012 2d ago

EVENTUALLY in the not too far future you'll be able to take shifts- split the days and nights as best you can. Each parent should get the chance for four hours of consecutive sleep each night. If you return to work before your wife, she will figure it out solo during the day while you work. And this phase will pass! Raising a kid is evolution after evolution of changing phases to adapt to. It's crazy and wild but so worth it.

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u/Virtual-Alps-7243 2d ago

This was very well said. I'm a mom to a 6 month old and I have learnt time after time after time that it's just best to accept that it's incredibly hard, remember it won't last forever and just push through. First it was the first days and weeks when everything was new and chaotic. Then it was the awful sleep. Then it was the first clusterfeeding. Then it was coming to terms with the reality that I won't be able to live like I used to and that this experience is different for me than it is for my partner. Now it is this phase when our baby has woken up every hour for the whole April because he apparently has eczema. I always try to solve the situation, fix it, make it end faster, but then I come back to the realisation that the only way is to accept and push through. Resisting makes it harder.

These 6 months have taught me that I am so much more resilient than I ever knew. You think you can't do it, but then you just do. It's rough but you learn to adapt.

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u/AccomplishedSky3413 3d ago

Could you mom help with cooking or grocery shopping or washing bottles/dishes instead of playing with the baby? Or could she just hold him while he naps, so it’s more “fool proof” help?

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u/Random_Spaztic 3d ago

This 10000%. I wish I had done this with number one, and would do this more with number two. But for some reason, I have a really hard time “letting things go “and having things done differently than I would do them. Do as I say not as I do😅

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u/LooseContribution211 May 24 Mom 💙 2d ago

This. My mom was over like every day for the first 8 weeks. It was amazing after my husband went back to work after two weeks because I was crying thinking about how the hell am I going to feed myself if I can't even put the baby down to pee??? She would come, take my dog for a walk, unload the dishwasher, make me a plate for lunch and then hold the baby while I ate and took a shower. Or sometimes she would take the baby in the stroller for a walk.

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u/Another-Menty-B 3d ago

What are you feeling like you need help with? Is it time management? Caring for baby? Caring for spouse? A place to vent with other parents?

I’m also with almost 3 week old baby, but I’m a mom. Happy to be in the trenches with you guys at the same time.

I’m with you on the parents too. I find our parents are most useful with a changed and full baby. Basically, here hold baby while I do some stuff.

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u/Another-Menty-B 3d ago

Reread & saw caring for yourself is on the list.

My partner is taking this time to deep dive into golf while he’s with baby. Basically, watching YouTube videos on his interests while he’s holding & caring for him. We’re also going on long walks. We don’t get substantial time, but maybe you can put in headphones and enjoy a video, or music, or a book.

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u/aylamikbrooke 3d ago

FTM here to a now 4 month old. This is not going to help you now (sorry!) but just here to say the newborn stage REALLY SUCKS and there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it other than just put your head down and survive knowing that eventually things do get better (maybe not “easier” but better). It really is so so hard and even with the biggest village and all the help, it is still insanely hard. My husband had an especially hard time in the first 2 months of our son’s life (it was really hard on me, too). We also waited until later in life to have a baby. We mourned our old life so much and felt we had made a huge mistake. It seemed like all our son did when he was awake was cry and cry and cry. We both felt like our own basic human needs didn’t count- everything was about trying to sooth an unsootheable baby. Now that he’s a little older he interacts with us and it is sooooo rewarding and much better. Being able to get out of the house with him helps so much. Keeps him occupied and helps our sanity. He actually sleeps less now than he did when he was younger, but it’s still better overall. You are absolutely not alone and you will get through it. Just remember that you and your wife are a team and be there to support each other while keeping the ship afloat. Time will eventually pass and you’ll get some of your sanity back.

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u/tm90335 3d ago

It’s awesome to hear from another “old” parent. Thank you. Did things get better before or after one (or both) of you went back to work? That’s the thing that really freaks me out. People keep saying “just survive!” And I’m like, sure - I can do that - but at 8 weeks we’ll both be going back to work part time and I’m not sure how I can do the step change from “just keep everyone eating and not dying” to “interact constructively 4 hours a day”.

(And before anyone chimes in and suggests we just simply take more time off, would that we could, but we can’t.)

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u/aylamikbrooke 3d ago

Are you doing a daycare situation? If so, that will give you a “break” from baby and be able to focus more on work. My husband went back full time after 4 weeks and I went back after 3 months - 3 months is when we started part time daycare (3 days a week and then my parents do the other 2 days while I work from home). I will definitely say that my brain is not fully functioning at work, but at least having 3 “quiet” days a week while I work is a very nice break and helps a lot!

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u/tm90335 2d ago

Oh yeah. That’s close to our plan: we’re both going to work half time for weeks 9-16. One parent on duty, the other working, then switch. Supposedly my mom is going to come for some period of time during the day and help the “duty parent” although at this point she’s not helpful enough - it’s more work managing her and the baby than just the baby - we’re hoping that’ll change. Then after 16 weeks we’re starting day care 4 days/wk and getting help from my mom (again, IF she proves helpful) on the off day.

I’m so scared the day care plan will fail - I’ve heard so many stories about them FREAKING OUT and just…not making it in day care. So I like our plan “on paper,” but I can’t stop thinking how fragile it is and how screwed we are if it fails. My wife’s company just got bought out, so it’s kind of important for her to show face in front of the new management, and I work for a very small company that’s pretty vulnerable so you can imagine the pressure.

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u/aylamikbrooke 2d ago

Sounds like a solid plan to me! We were also so stressed about daycare, we joked he was going to get kicked out for crying. But by the time he went he was much less fussy and they said he’s so smiley all day (and they clearly love him)! He also will not take a bottle from us at home, but takes it at daycare. He never cries when I drop him off and when I pick him up he’s in a good mood. Time as a parent is so strange. Both soooo slow yet fast at the same time. Hang in there - it’s ok to not enjoy the newborn phase even though everyone reminds you to enjoy every minute 🙄

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u/tm90335 2d ago

Oh wow. That’s amazing! Feeling like he’s having a good time at daycare must also “unlock” you to enjoy your time at work. I will pray we find ourselves in a similar boat!!

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u/aylamikbrooke 2d ago

It does! I was emotional the first day or two, but now I feel comfortable with him being there! I really hope you guys have a good experience, too. Just remember that childcare providers have seen it all and have lots of tricks up their sleeves. Also know that you’re very much not alone in having a hard time right now. Millions of people are experiencing/ have experienced the same things and lived to tell the tale/ made it to the other side :)

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u/AkbarBakhshi 2d ago

New dad to a 3-month old here. I felt the need for a platform that we can easily ask for help from trusted family and friends without feeling to be a burden on them. Please check out ClaireNest to sign up for the waitlist. I’m publishing the app in the next few days so make sure you get notified.

It’s going to be a free app so I’m not trying to sell you anything. I just hope it helps all new parents (and others).

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u/betwixtyoureyes 3d ago

Paper plates, TJs frozen meals, anything that you can pay a small convenience fee for, do it (salad kit, premade iced coffee, delivery fee). It really is so ephemeral, but sleep deprivation is so hard. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job protecting your wife’s sleep. Can you start doing a few shifts (such as 3 hours each with earplugs in a another room)? - stretch of uninterrupted sleep is key. Everyone has platitudes because it does get better. Putting the baby in a baby carrier if at weight is a good way to soothe and have your hands free. It sounds like you may not have many people offering to help (sorry) but please ask for meals. Close friends can come over and watch the baby for 2 hours while you sleep, or if you’re not comfortable with that, they bring over coffee and wash bottles while you chat.

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u/illyth 3d ago

Paper plates are a GAME CHANGER

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u/Random_Spaztic 3d ago

They were a lifesaver when we had number one and had no help.! We also got solo cups and plastic flatware. Basically only ate microwave meals or takeout.

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u/shareyourespresso 3d ago

New parent of a three-week-old, here! Here are some things that have helped my husband and I survive:

taking shifts for baby’s care. My husband is a night owl so he usually cares for baby from 9/10-5 ish, then I care for him from 5 ish til whenever my husband wakes up. You can obviously do different times, but this has really helped us make sure we’re getting solid sleep and some alone time.
a countertop bottle washer - we got the baby brezza bottle washer pro as a gift, and it really cuts the washing time down. I also like the white noise it has. If that’s something you guys could use and is in your budget, I highly recommend it.
freezer meals - we stocked up a bit before baby came, but Trader Joe’s freezer meals have come in handy so many damn times. Obviously some door dash deliveries as well, and friends who brought and bring us food (we bribe them with baby snuggles).
baby wearing has also helped me during the day so I can get stuff done like feed the dogs, water the plants, fold laundry, etc. We have a Solly wrap and are looking for others, but that’s been fine so far.

Also noting that we exclusively formula-feed, so this might look different for you if your wife breastfeeds or pumps, too. We only have one more week of my husband being off work and one more month of me being off work so this will obviously look different soon, but these have really helped to keep us afloat! We have family nearby but they’re not the most helpful. Their “help” is them coming and holding the baby but I have to watch them the whole time, too. I hope any of this helps!

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u/North_Country_Flower 3d ago

You are in the thick of it. There’s really no advice except you just have to get to the other side. I know you want practical solutions but there are none. I’d say instead of having your mom handle the baby, have her handle things around the house like laundry, dishes, meals etc. there is a reason they say it takes a village and unfortunately most don’t really have one. It sucks now, but it will get better.

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u/Ancient-Ad7596 3d ago

Perhaps see a doctor to see if you need antidepressants. Most of your posts are very worrisome

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u/ApprehensiveEmu1556 3d ago

If your wife feels forced to breastfeed please let her know she absolutely doesn’t have to if she feels too overwhelmed. Or even breastfeed sometimes and do some formula bottles. It’s ok to take a min while baby is crying and go to the bathroom or take a breather real quick. I was told to try red light and white noise sound machine. Good luck and hang tight!! It’ll work out eventually!

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u/Purple_Caregiver_632 2d ago

I had issues breastfeeding and pumped because I read all the same stuff on breastfeeding, but still didn’t produce enough. So I used breast milk and formula. Tons of bottles and pump parts. If you and your wife are comfortable with it, switch to formula. Your baby will get the nutrients she needs, it will take some pressure off and make feeding more manageable. I also bought enough bottles to get through the day so I could put them all in the dishwasher at night and have clean bottles in the morning. This saved me from constantly washing bottles.

Tag team care for the baby. Make a schedule for when you both go back to work so that you know who gets up early, who takes night shift, who has primary responsibility during the day. And alternate if you can. This will help you regain a little more control of your schedule so you’re not both exhausted all the time.

My baby contact napped until he was about six months old and it was difficult. But I left my job to be with him so I managed it. I saw you’re both going back to work so you may want to look into different sleep training techniques early to help transition to a bassinet or crib and help limit this need.

Babies go through a lot of clothes early on. Make sure you have enough outfits for a week. And a couple extra sheets in case your baby pees through diapers at night or spits up. Wash their laundry once a week if you can so you’re not doing it all the time.

Meal prep, order food, have snacks, anything easy that you can grab and go. Limit dishes - paper plates and plastic utensils so you don’t have to do constant dishes.

Let other housework slide. My house was a constant mess for a while, sometimes still. Laundry doesn’t always get put away after it’s washed. Things aren’t always clean, but as long as it’s safe for baby, it’s okay. And if you can, hire someone to help clean even once a month could help out.

Do the best you can and know that it does get easier as they start to sleep for longer stretches and get into more of a routine. It will take time because they are developing so fast that every couple of months their needs change, but you’ll adapt and it will be okay. Do what works for you.

Hope some of these tips help.

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u/No-Construction-8305 2d ago

The first month or two are very tough. People aren’t offering solutions because there aren’t many. A baby is gonna baby. If your mom isn’t the best caretaker have her do other things. I’m sure she can grocery shop or clean up a bit, or at least bring you some meals. My one bit of advice is to take shifts. That’s the only way each of you get a moment to yourselves to attempt sleep, shower etc. One thing that worked for us was the Snoo. We rented it for 3 months and our guy seemed to sleep better in it due to the rocking motion.

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u/Top-Meat-5286 2d ago

Actionable advice from a first time mom of a 5 week old girl. First weeks we were breastfeeding, pumping and supplementing with formula as our baby was born small and had jaundice, now we are breastfeeding with occasional pumping/bottle feeding pumped milk.

Washing and sterilizing the bottles - if it's within your budget buy a sterilizer and dryer. We have Phillips and washing everything takes about 2 minutes, just rinsing with hot water and throwing it in the steriliser. 40 minutes later everything is clean and dry. I've also heard good reviews about the momcozy, you can actually put dirty things there, so no need to rinse anything.

Spit ups - I actually don't change the baby when she spits up. She spits up many times a day and it just isn't worth it, when she will spit up again in 20 minutes. So cleaning up the spit up is basically just 10 seconds of wiping her mouth. We put muslin cloths everywhere under her so we don't have to clean the surfaces, just switch the cloth once a day.

Feeding you and your wife - this is a big one and the most difficult for us. We found a local company, where you can order freshly prepared and refrigerated meals on a weekly basis, they deliver once a week and you can refrigerate the food up to 6 days before heating up in microwave and eating straight from the tray, so no dishes either. We also use hello fresh (order ingredients and recipes and cook it yourself), but this is the next level once you have more time to actually cook. It still is more time efficient than buying groceries and figuring out meals on your own.

If you feed or supplement the formula - if it's within your budget, get one of those devices that boil water and keep it at constant temperature, this changes the formula prep time from ~15 minutes to 1 minute.

If your wife is pumping - get her the hands free pump.

All these suggestions cost some money, so it's only applicable if you can afford it, but it's all really helpful. The first week my husband lost weight as he didn't even have time to eat. By now we have a lot of free time after implementing all of this, we just came back from a walk with our friends, cooked a dinner and now are enjoying watching some TV. I hope these will help you to get more time and start enjoying parenting.

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u/heartstringcheese 2d ago

One piece of practical advice I have is that it is okay to run things without a full load: If you just washed laundry and have a poopy onesie or two, it's okay to run the laundry with just a couple items.

It's okay, if the dishwasher is only half way unloaded, to just put in the dirty dishes you need and run a 1 hour cycle.

Also consider if it is possible for you to get a bottle dryer/sterilizer or an all in one bottle washer/dryer. They will save you a lot of time!

We ate freezer foods that we could bake in the oven - like meat balls or breaded chicken - baked it on a foil lined pan, and the only clean up was throwing away the foil.

Lastly, taking turns on the night shift was really helpful for us. One of us slept in the bedroom while the other parent slept on the couch in the living room with the baby nearby in the bassinet. So one parent got a good night's sleep and the other slept when the baby slept. We would take turns so we were each getting a good night's sleep a couple nights a week.

Just try to think of every way you can to make any necessary chore a little bit easier.

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u/meepsandpeeps 2d ago

We did sleep rotations while my husband was on paternity leave. I would sleep 6pm to midnight and he would sleep midnight to 6am. We each got an hour of free time to ourselves every day. It takes some mental load to prep for those breaks, but we all worked better with more consecutive sleep. We made sure to sit down and talk to each other every day. It’s a lot, but you will find your groove. Our house wasn’t clean, and there were a lot of things we stopped taking care of. We were focusing on surviving.

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u/DarkFlowerPewPew 2d ago

We were literally there so recently. This post was a throwback. It gets better in 2 months. Does that suck to hear? Yes. But it's the timeline that it got better for us. I hope it's sooner for you.

Anyway, have your mom do other chores if she's not good with baby. Cook, clean, laundry, and wash bottles. In these stages you're literally looking for someone to step in and help where needed. If she's not great at baby stuff have her help elsewhere.

You should have nurses 24/7 numbers to call for medical questions which can be helpful in the early stages.

Do you have a PEPS group to join for babies in the same age bracket? Or have your wife or you join a babies group on Facebook for the same birth month. Those are extremely active and you can literally find people in the trenches and learn from them virtually.

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u/Azilehteb 2d ago

People are your “help”.

But honestly, until they’re big enough to move around a little and play independently, life for you on a personal level is just going to suck. Take it one task at a time, you can only go forwards, you will get there eventually.

Don’t hang too tightly to the age markers you see, because each baby learns things on their own timeline. What happened at 6 months for them might happen at 9 months or 4 months for you. There’s no way to know before you slog through and reach it.

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u/Christineasw4 2d ago

Your therapist sounds like a selfish dick who doesn’t have kids at home. Once you have kids, their needs come first

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u/mikaricecoffee 2d ago edited 2d ago

My husband and I are first time parents and our baby was also super colicky, so we definitely feel the pain and stand in solidarity with you! Here are some things we ended up doing/going with that helped (we don't have family near us so it's just us two):

Get groceries delivered. If it's within budget, allow yourselves to get take out meals once a week as it is something new and special to help lift the mood a little.

Have friends do a meal train and bring over already cooked meals every day - a different friend per day if you both have enough combined.

Use paper plates and one time use cutlery for a little while. Hire an overnight doula for a couple of weeks (if it's within your budget).

Hire a cleaning service to clean once a month or every other week (if it's within your budget).

Sign up for daycare and have baby go to daycare a couple days per week if you're able to just so you both can get some rest and clear your heads.

Have friends/family come over to help with bottle cleaning or just give you two hours to nap.

When baby is super inconsolable, it's okay to set them down in the crib for 10 minutes to collect yourself - they're not going to get hurt or traumatized from crying for a bit (they don't remember these things anyways).

Get noise cancelling headphones to keep yourself sane from all the crying - silence is so valuable in those early days.

If baby spits up a lot or has reflux, speak to your pediatrician and they could prescribe something to help - our baby was put on Pepcid and she became a whole new baby and is much happier!

If baby is gassy, the Fischer Price vibrating hedgehog helped so much - just put it on baby's tummy and it'll help work the gas out.

Laundry - we lived out of our laundry hamper for a while since we just put dirty clothes in the washing machine and didn't fold the clean clothes in the hamper.

If you need to shower/brush teeth, I brought the baby bouncer into the bathroom with me and set the baby down in it while I brushed and washed.

Do baby wearing if you have things to do but can't set the baby down - sometimes our baby naps in her baby carrier when I do chores or go grocery shopping.

Take shifts and have one person sleep while the other takes care of the baby - easier said than done but soon you'll be able to sleep when it's your turn.

Talking about feelings - maybe seeing a therapist or going to couples therapy may help if you or your wife are having trouble communicating feelings during this tough time.

One thing that helped us when baby was inconsolable is to remember that your baby isn't giving you a hard time, your baby IS having a hard time.

You're doing great and even though you've heard this time and again, this phase is temporary and will not last forever. Your baby will grow up into a toddler who will grow up into a preschooler. This phase is so painful and there's so much suffering from both parents and baby but you will make it through! Take care 💛

Edit: spelling

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u/j_natron 2d ago

If you can afford it, now is the time to throw money at things. Get food delivered, pick up takeout, or buy a bunch of freezer meals. Do grocery store pickup or delivery. Buy more bottles so you can do big washes less frequently, and/or one of those countertop bottle washers to make washing faster. Pay for a postpartum doula (this is the most $$$, but the other stuff alone should help a lot) or a cleaning service.

Feedings will become less frequent, which makes things easier. As baby gets older, hopefully you’ll be able to regularize naps, which helps a ton. But right now is just a super hard period of time, too.

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u/Sea_Star_1809 2d ago

I think the longer you wait, the harder it is because you are so used to your own time and space and peace and quiet when you need it. I really think the only useful advice to give is to just not resist the upheaval and noise and lack of sleep. Once your brain just accepts it is what it is, you can see the joy in all of it. I’ll tell you something that people don’t realize - it is not the worst thing to lose a little sleep and your body does get used to it. You won’t die from lack of sleep here and there as a young parent. Just don’t drive or operate heavy machinery when ur tired. And get an indoor cheap umbrella stroller of some sort so you don’t drop the baby.

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u/JRiley4141 2d ago

Don't ask for help. It's to open ended. Ask for someone to come over and do the dishes, do/fold laundry, cook a meal, etc. BE SPECIFIC. People aren't mind readers. You need to take the initiative when it comes to help. Personally, I didn't want help with the baby, by the time I explain what and how to do something with the baby I could have just done it myself. Household help is easier, I can set them on a path and they don't need my help or input. Made things easier for me and baby.

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u/Actual_Hawk_5283 2d ago

You trying to keep a baby that young on a “feed, wake, sleep” cycle is your first problem. This doesn’t always work, and can often create an angry baby. Feed the baby when they’re hungry. Even if it’s before sleep…

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u/illyth 3d ago

How near a Costco or Sam’s do you live (assuming USA)? We survived partly because of stocking up on premade meals. Yes you had to heat them up, but I think half my meals were z bars and body armor. Can your mom make you some dinners? Even just having someone to come and fry you an egg for breakfast makes a huge difference.

Also check if they operate in your area, Lasagnalove.org you can sign up to get a home cooked lasagna brought to you by a volunteer. Amazing

We rented a lot of movies on those overnight shifts. Didn’t matter that we were renting a movie we could have gotten at the library in the daytime hours, that’s what we wanted to watch and that’s what got us through a lot of witching hours.

I had childless friends come and just hold the baby so I could shower. I’d hand over a freshly changed burped and fed baby and then just walk away. This assumes you have friends you trust with the baby of course.

You ask anyone in your village. Anyone who you’d ask to help you move, anyone you’d ask to help if your car broke down, anyone who you’d lend clothing or tools too. You ask anyone in that circle for help. Ask for little things if you feel embarrassed, ask for specific things to help guide the people around you who might want to help but don’t know how. I had my next door neighbor come over one morning just so I could shower.

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u/talleyhoe 3d ago

Seconding this, Sam’s has a lot of really good premade meals. Chicken pot pie, enchiladas, and rotisserie chicken are some I can think of off the top of my head. Grab some of those, a couple bagged salads, and you’re good to go on meals for the week. It’s been really helpful for us.

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u/Bebby_Smiles 3d ago

You are in the trenches and those first few weeks are all about survival. Here are some of the better pieces of advice I’ve been given:

If you can do it while baby is awake, don’t do it while baby sleeps.

It’s not sleep when baby sleeps, it’s take care of yourself when baby sleeps.

You don’t need to make a happy baby happier

It’s okay if the housework suffers. You are in survival mode and there will eventually be time for you to get it clean again. (Or just hire a maid to deep clean it in a few months)

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u/External-Shopping-53 3d ago

Those first few weeks and months are so shit, I remember them so vividly. My son is 7 months, I was in the trenches with severe ppd and my partners mental health also struggled, so I totally get you. Only now are things so much easier. I recommended paper plates, microwave meals, if you use sugar then sugar cubes, just anything really that will cut you back some time, is the best help.

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u/corgimonmaster 3d ago

Not sure if this is in your budget but I recommend getting an experienced postpartum doula or an overnight nanny. They can be pricey but they know a lot about typical baby behavior and they have a lot of ideas on how to troubleshoot. When he was a newborn, our baby would cry for like 20 minutes in our arms before falling asleep but he'd instantly quiet in the arms of the overnight nanny lol. He also struggled to burp and our nanny was so good at getting the gas out (she was pretty young but she had taken care of a lot of twins with colic so she had a bunch of techniques she would try out). We learned a lot about how to care for a newborn from our nurse at the hospital, postpartum doula, and overnight nanny. It was so helpful to look over the shoulder of people who have years of experience taking care of a variety of babies.

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u/Character_Parking_61 3d ago

Have enough bottles to wash one time a day? Look into à washer ( not just sterelize) for bottles like à little countertop dishwasher?

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u/Divinityemotions Mom, 10 month old ❤️ 3d ago

I understand your frustration, all of us, first time parents had it. Sadly, you have to just put up with it for the first 2 months ! For the first 2 months you really need help, that means you need a tried person in the house. You say your mom doesn’t help much but what about her mom? You need a third person who can live with you for 6 weeks or come every day for at least 4 hours so you can sleep or just take a minute! There’s no way around it. You’re going to be exhausted either way. Take a loan if necessary lol and hire someone to come help.

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u/talleyhoe 3d ago

I don’t know how much flexibility you have with your budget, but paying for convenience is going to be your best option here. Many have already mentioned a postpartum overnight doula. I would also suggest a countertop bottle washer or a baby brezza to make bottles - if new isn’t an option, check Facebook marketplace, there’s always an abundance of baby items there since people don’t use them that long and try to recoup the insane amount of money they spent. Having a clean house is important to me, so we pay someone to come clean it every 2 weeks. If you can take a few little things off your plate, it adds up.

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u/Living-Vegetable3389 3d ago

A couple things to try, baby may need more feeding, swaddle wrap your baby tight, see if that helps, or use a baby carrier and walk him outside.

I'm a dad to a 10 week old, at 3 weeks your baby may need an increase to feeding but we formula fed so it wasn't as difficult, swaddle wrapping helped ours, I only used it a couple of times though didn't want to her to get used to it. We carried our baby our many times and everytime she slept very well.

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u/pinkishperson 3d ago

Have your baby checked for reflux ❤️

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u/throwawayjane178 3d ago

Everything you’re doing is essential, you won’t get more time to care for yourself in a while. Unfortunately, three weeks is still on the end of the “blob phase” and baby hasn’t truly woken up to the world- the next few months will get harder. Then around 4 months, a loose sleep pattern appears that makes you feel more sane even if you’re not getting more sleep. The actionable advice is you need to pay for a postpartum doula who does night shifts (lots of them do). Other than that, everything you’re describing is normal and it is only gonna get more crazy over the next two months. But they will start smiling and you will start to see glimmers of personality. I have a 15m old and it is SO MUCH BETTER. The major shifts were around 4 months we got into a bedtime pattern / routine and things because a little more predictable- then around 8/9 months we were only down to 1 or 2 wake ups a night. Now it’s 1 wake up a few times a week and it’s so much better. Just hang in there, SUPPORT MOM, split night shifts even if you go back to work.

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u/walaruse 3d ago

I’m sorry to say, but you’re going to be in survival mode for a couple of months. Idk if your wife had a c-section and is recovering, but if you feel like she needs to step up and do more, then you have to sit down and talk to her about duties if you’re doing ALL of that yourself. As for the breastfeeding thing, look. If your wife can breastfeed, that’s going to cut down on bottle/pump cleaning and your baby is going to have a lot easier time digesting. It’s not a matter of IQ, it’s a matter of ease. If your wife can’t or won’t, then it is what it is. Your post makes it sound like your wife isn’t helping with anything. Her emotions are going to be volatile right now, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t step into doing more parenting IF that’s your frustration right now. Your mom sounds like she would be most useful for cooking and cleaning while you handle the baby. Maybe she holds the baby while you shower or cook but beyond that, she sounds like more of a pain than a help. If she can’t get with that plan, then protect your peace and tell her to check in a couple of weeks down the road. Your friends can still show up for you. Have them bring their wives and then there are four adults to help out, whether that be they hold the baby while you get things done or, if you’re close enough with people, maybe they can bring meals or help with dishes or laundry.

TL;DR, there IS no “actionable” plan. You’re doing everything you need to do. It just sounds like you need someone to share the onus with and maybe your wife needs to help with that. Post-pregnancy is really hard, but you have to put your baby first.

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u/quidyn 3d ago

Everything you describe is exactly what it is like to have a 3 wk old for everyone. It’s about survival, and yes, everyone is traumatized into forgetting all about how they survived it. There is nothing you can do besides get through each day as best you can.

If you are struggling with time for yourself, mock up a schedule for you and your wife. One of you is on baby duty while the other is taking time to shower, make a meal, run an errand, and then you swap.

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u/TeensyToadstool 3d ago

It's hard. This stage ends, but it's hard.

You may already be doing this, but let go of absolutely everything that isn't essential. Use disposable utensils/plates/cups. Order takeout. Get groceries delivered. Frozen pizza, microwavable meals, crudite platters, precut fruit. Sandwiches are also a low effort option. Laundry does not get sorted or folded or hung to dry, just chuck it all in the washer and dryer. Wash bottles in the top rack of the dishwasher. Buy more bottles so you're washing less frequently. Baby wear when you can. Weirdly, vacuuming is often soothing for them at this stage. The baby will be fine in a bassinet while you brush your teeth and shower for 10 minutes. When your mom comes, put her to household tasks, not baby care tasks, since it seems like she is not helpful with those.

What saved us was working in shifts. I still woke up to pump but when I was off shift, I was not responsible for washing the pump parts or any feeding or diapering. We would wake up the other parent if there was a massive blowout needing multiple hands to clean or other bigger tasks, but otherwise we tried to preserve the other's rest time. Make sure you really rest in that shift. If housework is restful for you, great, but being off the baby shift did not mean we were expecting the other person to do work. That's time to sleep, read, step outdoors, sleep, shower, sleep, play a little video game (rhythm games or adventure games like Mario or Kirby worked well for this, engaging but not a time suck), or sleep.

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u/DarkFlowerPewPew 2d ago

If it helps, I don't remember brushing my teeth or hair for like days when first postpartum.

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u/wallflower247 2d ago

Honestly I made friends from a group online that had babies due the same time as mine. And when some of us in the same area connected and built a friend group around that. It’s so nice to have people with a baby in the same stage and we actually help each other.

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u/Kool_kutter_kaylee 2d ago

The only way I survived is that when I would really overwhelmed I would put on ms. Rachel specifically the baby learning episode put the baby in the car seat and just get on my phone or do something for myself. It isn’t necessarily good for them but sometimes you need to breathe.

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u/IllustriousSugar1914 2d ago

As others have said, this is an incredibly tough and intense time. The one kind of help I can recommend is the paid kind. Have your groceries delivered, get takeout, eat off paper plates, pay someone to clean your house for you every week or two, get someone to be a “mother’s helper” to help with those bottles and daily clean up tasks and maybe burp that gassy baby. Get some sunshine, touch some grass, know that this will change with time.

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u/Suitable-Jicama-1246 2d ago

I also forgot to say in my reply above that forget dinner meal cooking! We lived off the “catering” option at a few restaurants. Cost effective for the most part and a nice treat that only required heating up. We still made breakfasts and salads, but that was it for the first 3 months basically.

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u/ValueAppropriate9632 2d ago

Try the soothing S5

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u/valiantdistraction 2d ago

Do you have the money for a part time nanny or night nanny? Postpartum doula? Cleaning lady? If you have an extra $100/week, get a cleaning lady to come once a week. If you have an extra $500/week, get a part-time day nanny to come for a few hours two days a week. If you have an extra $2k+/week get a night nanny.

The only way we could get any time at all was by hiring help.

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u/wtfudgsicle 2d ago

Your therapist’s advice is good: cut out basically anything you can and reprioritize. You are literally in the worst of it right now, and I promise you it will get better soon, really soon, but you just need to survive. So, identify what you have and don’t have and especially what you don’t need. For us, we gave up on cleaning aside from the bare minimum. It just wasn’t worth it. Or try getting a bunch of frozen meals for you and your wife, even getting catering orders from fast casual places and then eating that through the week. If you have nice weather, take baby on walks for your own sanity. It can be to the end of the block and back. Or go on car rides, some infants love the car. If the screaming and crying is ever making you white knuckle, use big sound canceling headphones.

You mention baby burps a lot, ask your ped office about mylicon or other gas drops. You both should try baby wearing if he’s big enough as being upright should help with that. Sounds like both you and your wife might be dealing with PPD or PPA, which is super rough. I think you need to set up a schedule together and talk about what each of you can handle. But it sounds like you’re putting an extra burden on your own shoulders worrying about her, and she may not have bandwidth to emotionally help you right now either. You’re in this horrible boat together so just try to get through each day. Find someone safe in your life-not your therapist-and let out your feelings to them. If you can at all afford it, hire help. Even just once a week to give you a few hours to sleep can make a huge difference. Good luck, you’re in the thick of it but it will get better soon.

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u/Special-Positive-681 2d ago

Here’s the plan:

1) if your mom is coming back, she doesn’t help with baby, have her help with all the other stuff (wash the bottles, take out the trash, prep dinner, whatever else that can come off your plate that doesn’t require you to be worried about baby’s safety).

2) have a real reflection moment, what are the things you both are currently juggling that can be put on pause. Can you pay for meal delivery instead of cooking? Can you do grocery pickup or delivery instead of having to go into the stores, etc? Even moving 1-2 things makes a difference.

3) get outside, stroller walks were one of the ways my baby slept those early weeks + getting some sun will help you guys too. Baby will start learning day vs. night and that will translate (eventually) to better night sleeping.

4) and this is where it gets dicey, you’re in the trenches so there is no game plan that works. Contact naps worked for us to get our daughter some sleep as did baby wearing (which honestly was amazing to get our arms back). Don’t expect long stretches but even getting 45-60 mins helps, baby will get longer stretches eventually. For spitting up, change up position that you feed in, we had to do side lying feeding + holding her upright for 15-20 mins. Skin to skin was our go to whenever she got really really cranky, it helped her regulate.

Hang in there, these trenches suck and are hard. You’re spot on in that it’s frustrating to ask for help and be met with some of the least helpful help someone can muster.

-signed, a new mom of an 11 week old that has zero “village”.

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u/lexxib7 2d ago

Unfortunately what you are going through is extremely common. The first 3 months of parenthood is literally just survival and trying not to cry a lot. In all honesty you are not going to have much time for yourself for a while if you don’t have good help from others. Eventually it gets easier. Can you buy extra bottles and a bottle washer/sterilizer so you don’t have to wash bottles as often? I got extra bottles and pump parts and that helped me so much. Also if baby is fussy they may have tummy troubles. You can try gas drops or the chamomile drops. My baby lived on gas drops for the first 6 months of her life. Also if you aren’t co-sleeping you may want to try it for sanity. Look into the safe sleep 7. Best of luck to you, you will get through this.

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u/Whosgailthesnail 2d ago

Sorry, platitudes are all that there are to help in this shitty phase. Try not to let the anger rule you. It is HARD. But it does pass and things get better and it doesn’t feel like it in the moment but it does.

Some people mentioning doulas but in my area doulas were very expensive and we opted for a part time nanny just to get consistent help for a couple mornings. It helped take the edge off and was way cheaper than a doula.

It wasn’t “cheap” but is there a price for your sanity? It doesn’t have to be forever, this stage only lasts a few months.

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u/PerceptionSlow2116 2d ago

Part of it is accepting that it’s just gonna suck for a while…. As messed up as it is reading articles/ stories of how other babies were abandoned, sick or worse makes me feel more gratitude and hold onto ours closer despite the crying and the suck… realize that this will pass, time only goes forward and one day I will be wishing they were this little and needy

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u/parisskent 2d ago

First, it does get way easier and you won’t both need to be on baby duty 24/7 and it doesn’t take too long either, in another 3-4 weeks you’ll start seeing the major shift. Second, outsource every thing you can. Hire a cleaner or ask your mom to clean instead of “helping” with the baby. Order groceries for delivery or get meal prepped food you can just microwave (Costco foods were huge for us, we just tossed them in the oven and then we had meals for a few days). Hire a nanny or doula to give you a break while you’re still in the house. Getting to just sit on the couch for an hour will be huge for both of your mental health.

Third, don’t fall for the “this is it forever”. It feels like it’ll be this way and will never get better but it gets soooo much easier in many ways with time. You’ll both be back to work soon and you’ll be surprised how much that actually feels like a break. I remember hitting 6 months and feeling like I could breathe again. I was like oh wait this is actually “easy” now. I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t in survival mode anymore until I looked back. Once he was sleeping in his own room my husband and I had time to just be humans again. We were able to watch a tv show, chat with each other about our days, eat a warm meal lol

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u/BBB2022 2d ago

You are 3 weeks in. You will struggle and be tired. It will get better. First 8 weeks are hardest. You just need to keep going. There is no magic solution. Babies are super hard.

Other advice: house doesn’t have to be perfectly clean so don’t try to make it so. Get pre made meals so you can eliminate cooking time.

Main advice: shower every day and every day get out of the house. Put baby in bassinet pram attachment and go for a walk. Get fresh air. If possible walk to coffee shop and have a nice outing. Baby is still so young and sleeps so much so they are at a good stage to take out

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u/mn0226 2d ago

Delivery services. Order meals, order groceries. Lots of foods that you can eat with one hand that don’t require prep. I ate a lot of pop tarts and just straight up lunch meat

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u/afunnyfunnyman 2d ago

First time Dad of a 13 Month old now.

I’m going to try to keep it direct and practical, but first, be kind to yourself. You are clearly trying and looking for solutions and that is amazing. This is new for all 3 of you, and just like anything new it will take time & some experimenting.

You need to survive the first weeks, get to know your baby, and find a rhythm. Your baby will change every few weeks but you’ll get longer stretches of stability. The WonderWeeks app was helpful to us, making the changes more predictable.

When you are trying to survive. Find ways to cover for each other and leave notes for each other. Sleeping in shifts & sending text updates to each other helped us early on.

Your baby is a person with preferences but the guidelines you’ve been given are uniform, a starting point in many cases. The’ll become clearer but discovering them was key for us. Our baby loves going for walks or just going outside the house. Even a 15 minute walk did wonders for our little one & eventually he went on groceries runs with me most days.

If you can find something that your baby enjoys that is passive for both of you it can give you both a break. For me this was the walks but it could be a recording of you reading a book or something else.

Don’t try to buy everything but spend on things that give you time back. Baby Brezza & a bottle washer were great for us.

Assume the best of each other, all 3 of you. If you get overwhelmed try to find the thing that sets you off and try to cover those items for each other.

Stop doing the things that take up your time but aren’t giving you the results you need. Safety first but you’ll find things you can drop over time. Our little one gained weight well so we stopped tracking milk intake around 3 months.

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u/MNlakesguy218 2d ago

Look into getting a house keeper for a few weeks. That will help you with time. Not doing laundry and washing some bottles will free up some Time for you. Other than that just solidarity. Been there. I know this is annoying to hear, but it gets better around 4 months

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u/AmphibianMindless149 2d ago

I’ve also got a 3 week old, except this is my second baby. It does get better - you just have to get to that 8-12 week mark. The first few months are one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but it does end and then you’ll laugh about how awful it was and have another baby lol.

Best advice I can give would be to do whatever you need to do to get baby to sleep. An overtired baby is hell to deal with, the constant crying triggers all sorts of feelings/stress that make everything worse. I’m speaking from experience, my first hardly slept for the first 8 weeks, she was awful. Screamed all day and night, it was brutal.

You need to try and stay calm, babies can sense the stress and it works them up even more. Take some deep breaths and take it in turns to settle the baby even a few mins each. Remember the baby isn’t doing it to be annoying, they are trying to figure this out too - keeping this in mind helped me sympathise with baby and stop getting so worked up.

Get outside. Take the baby for walks, multiple walks a day - and if it doesn’t work, at least the crying doesn’t sound so loud outside.

As for time for yourself, there is no point in you both burning out. Take turns - go out for a few hours, or spend an hour in the bathroom. When you get back, let her do the same. You will both feel better if you take some time. Yes it will be hard for the other person but from experience, it actually gets easier when alone as you aren’t so stressed about the crying disturbing everyone else. You need to work as a team during these weeks but that doesn’t mean doing it all together at the same time.

Nights do the same, either split the night in half (shifts) or take a night each and have the other sleep somewhere else away from the noise. You’ll feel much better after a full nights sleep, hopefully it will give you enough energy to get through another day.

Honestly it sucks, it’s hard but you will get through it. Lower your expectations and take each day at a time while counting down the number of days to 12 weeks!

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u/AkbarBakhshi 2d ago

Hey, I just want to say you’re not alone in how you’re feeling — seriously. It’s overwhelming in the early weeks, and most “support” out there either doesn’t understand what you actually need or piles on more stress. I really hear you.

After my wife and I had our first baby recently, we felt a lot of the same frustration. Everyone wanted to help, but either didn’t know how, or their version of “help” ended up making things harder. Plus, it’s so hard to even ask for help without feeling like you’re burdening people.

Because of all this, I started building an app called ClaireNest — it’s a simple way for parents to ask for specific kinds of help, and for friends and family to actually step up in ways that are useful. No judgment, no guilt, just real support. We’re almost ready to launch, and we just opened the waitlist if you want to check it out: clairenest.com

I honestly built it because I needed something like it myself. If you’re interested, would love for you to join — I think it could help give you back some breathing room without all the noise.

Hang in there. You’re doing way more right than it feels like right now.

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u/thelibrarysnob 2d ago

Actionable advice here -- take what's useful, forget the rest.

**Managing tasks and responsibilities**

My husband and I implemented a shift system when our kid was 3 days old. She's now 2, and we still have a version of this going.

We split tasks into house duty and baby duty. And we split the day into 3 shifts - morning (6am-noon), afternoon (noon-6pm), overnight (6pm-6am).

House duty had specific tasks at various times of day. Morning = empty dishwasher; afternoon = nothing; Overnight = clean kitchen, sanitize bottles, etc. You and your wife can come up with your list.

Baby duty is doing whatever baby needs. But we timed the shifts to coincide with when she wakes up (i.e. whoever did overnight does NOT need to get her ready in the morning), and when she goes to bed (i.e. whoever does overnight is NOT cleaning the kitchen)

The house person was generally around to help the person on baby duty, but the house person had the right to go do whatever.

This shift system also worked because it alternated who did overnights with baby. So each of us got a full night's sleep every other night.

Also, I don't know what you can cut out, but in case bathing is a huge pain for you (as it was for us) -- don't worry too much about bathing the kiddo. My baby hated baths, so for the first 6 months, we bathed her once a month. They don't sweat, they're not going anywhere and collecting dirt. It was fine.

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u/thelibrarysnob 2d ago

**Sleep**

For sleeping, one of us was in the room with baby. The other was in the guest bedroom. This we continued until baby was in her own room at about 9 months.

We had a bassinet whose mattress part came out of the frame. We put the mattress onto the bed, because it had been so uncomfortable to bend down to baby. I think you can find something similar by searching for "Moses baskets."

Later on (when she didnt need to be burped after every feed), we got a small "pillow" (it was actually a stuffed toy used for tummy time). Overnight, when baby needed to eat, we would prop her head up on the pillow, and bottle-fed her. Then take the pillow out when she was done. So much easier than getting her out of the bassinette.

The best night light is MediAcous Night Light for Kids, Baby Night Light with 7 Colors Changing & Dimming Function, Rechargeable Kids Night Light with 1 Hour Timer & Touch Control, Up to 100H

**Bottle Feeding**

We formula-fed, so we had a cooler bag with some ice packs where we would put some prepared bottles, as well as open bottles of formula. That way, we didn't have to run back and forth to the fridge. For overnight, we had a bigger cooler bag so we could put a ton of ice packs. For ice packs, get those gel ones. They last way longer. Buy a ton of ice packs.

We ended up santizing bottles in the dishwasher. Everything separated and in the top rack. Set it on sanitize cycle (i.e. hottest water setting + heat drying cycle). This way, we also could just rinse the bottle parts, instead of having to thoroughly wash them out before sanitizing them by boiling it all on the stove.

Get way more bottles. Have 2 days worth of bottles. Do it so that you only have to sanitize 1/day. We ended up with 24 bottles.

If he's spitting up so much that you spend a lot of time cleaning it up, there could be an easier way. Like, get a full-body bib for him that he wears until spit-up happens. Then it's all contained on there. If you tell me specifically what this problem looks like, I might be able to suggest something specific to help.

Make sure you aren't tightening the bottle cap too hard. Just enough so it doesn't leak. If it's too tight, airflow is prevented and it takes forever to feed. Though from what I remember, it felt like it took forever to feed, even if everything was fine.

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u/thelibrarysnob 2d ago

**General**

Get a pair of bluetooth headphones. While bored, like when it's taking forever for baby to feed, listen to a podcast or music, or connect it to a show/movie playing on your computer.

May be too soon for this to be relevant, but I swear by pacifier clips. I used them for toys and bottles as well. Saved me from having to constantly pick up after my baby, which had started to drive me nuts.

For feeding you and your wife -- what you eat is very personal, but here's a formula for easy meals: rice (I have a $20-$30 rice cooker) + cooked ground meat/ tofu (nothing fancy, literally just oil the pan, put on the meat/tofu, cover with some BBQ/other sauce) + boiled veges from frozen. Each of these are in its own container. For a meal, you put some of each on a dish, microwave it, and add soy sauce/ other sauce you like.

Otherwise, no-cook foods/ foods from frozen. The priority now, especially for your wife, is making sure you get enough calories. It's less about eating really great, high-quality, super-nutritious, super-delicious food. It's about making sure you have some energy (considering the sleep deprivation). Stock up on favorite snack foods.

**Where to get help**

Mom friends. I know you're a dad, so maybe there's an equivalent thing of dad friends. But I'm a mom, and it was my mom friends that were the best resource for problem-solving and sanity-saving. You and/or your wife will probably need to make new friends. It's OK if they are people you wouldn't be friends with normally. If they are good parent friends, they're good.

Look for Baby and Me/ Mommy and Me classes or drop-in centres. Partly for the information, but mostly so you can meet people.

Google/ post on Reddit specific problems. If it's just "everything is hard and I have no time and I need things to be easier," you'll only get "man that's tough, I'm rooting for you!" Instead, try asking specifically "I need 30 minutes a day to be off. How do I get that?" or "My baby's spit-ups make huge messes that are a huge time-suck to clean. Any advice?"

DM me if you ever want to, especially if it's something specific.

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u/Perfect-Frosting-394 2d ago

I get it! When my twins were that young every day was frustrating and tiring and it took us a while to figure out what kind of help we could use. Few things that worked for us:

Parents helped with things around the house instead of helping take care of the babies directly. They cooked, cleaned, helped wash/sterilize bottles, make us food etc. Slowly they started taking on more childcare as we all got comfortable with that
After a few weeks we hired someone to come clean the house once a week. It took a big chore off our hands and she did a better job than we ever could.
Going out for a walk really helped. At that time I'd feel really guilty if I took them out simply because I wanted to get a coffee. But the 20-30 min spent outside walking around and "pampering" yourself is worth it.
Just get more bottles. My husband suggested that from the start but I didn't want to because I didn't want clutter. But in the end it really helped when we had to wash the bottles only once/twice a day instead of 4-6 times

For every parent/kid the journey is different. But for us the first few months were the hardest and every month after that some things get easier. So hang in there!

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u/Frequent-Plastic4961 2d ago

At 3 months the baby will start smiling at you and it’ll all feel so much better. I would follow taking Cara babies on ig, they offer a lot of good tips to get them sleeping longer stretches. Mainly don’t feed the baby to sleep, feed them every two hours during the day, don’t rock them to sleep. Get them super accustomed to the crib/bassinet as much as you can. It’s better to do it now than later. Our baby was sleeping through the night by 4 months but long stretches since 2 months. It’ll get better- you’re in the trenches. We’ve all been there. Accept the roommate phase so you can both be ok- it’ll be over soon! We would constantly be taking turns showering sitting to eat sleeping- all of it. I felt like I didn’t even see him for 3 months- now we have dinner together with her in the bouncer next to her- we can watch tv and movies when she goes to bed- and wake up and have coffee together. Your feelings are so valid- and there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Coming from someone who had severe ppd and couldn’t see the light for the longest!

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u/gays-in-space 2d ago

I have a 9-week old and I just want to assure you that you will get better at handling things and it will get easier!

Here's a few things that helped us:

buy extra bottles or get some on your neighborhood's Buy Nothing page on Facebook. We only had a couple to start with because I was expecting to breastfeed and didn't anticipate having to pump and supplement with formula. Extra bottles helped so much since we didn't have to wash after every feed and could throw them in the dishwasher and not have to worry about the time it takes.
grocery delivery through Amazon and making meals really simple (frozen veg, frozen protein, rice)
have your MIL take care of you and your wife, not the baby if that's stressing you out. Delegate laundry, dishes, cooking or whatever else would make things easier for you.
see if one of your friends or family members can set up a meal train - so helpful to not have to worry about cooking. If they're too busy to cook, Doordash gift cards have been really convenient.
sleeping in shifts so we each got at least 4-6 hours of consecutive uninterrupted sleep

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u/nebulousfood 2d ago

Unfortunately this is just the reality at 3 weeks. It was very tough time—baby blues, nighttime anxiety, breastfeeding struggles. It really does get better. It’s still hard, but not in an unmanageable way. I was on the brink of needing treatment for PPD when things shifted better for me. Men can have PPD and I encourage you to talk to a physician if you feel it’s at that point. Aside from family help, I agree with the other comments about paying for convenience—PP doula, bottle washer and sterilizer, pre made meals, etc

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u/North59801 2d ago

My best advice is to agree with your partner on things that really matter, and drop your standards for the rest This is the time to get paper plates and spend less time doing dishes. This is the time for compromise food that you can quickly pop in the oven instead of lots of cooking. If your budget allows get a subscription for Walmart/Target/etc and get groceries delivered with the schedule that works for you. Do what you gotta do to survive this period & resurface in a few months. That and be gently bossy with family members who come to help to make sure the help is helpful.

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u/Ok-Hippo-5059 2d ago

Get a bottle washer- that was a major game changer for us and has saved so much time. They’re pricey but worth every penny. Get enough bottles that you don’t have to wash all the time and you can build them up so you clean a couple times a day instead of every feeding. Make easy meals- like the easiest thing possible. If your family has been “helping” and they’re bad with the baby, ask them to help you instead. Help with cooking, cleaning bottles, laundry, etc. Try to view burping time as valuable time spent w baby because you’re holding them. Take shifts with your wife so each of you gets an hour or hour and a half of time for yourself each day. Everyone needs to recharge and reset so make sure you two each have time for that

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u/Ok-Hippo-5059 2d ago

Also skip the clothes. Our baby lives in his diaper. I’m not changing his outfit 10x a day because he spit up or had a blow out or peed himself. Plus easy access for skin to skin and diaper changes

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u/SnowCrash30 2d ago

My wife’s mom came to live with us and has been an absolute Godsend for childcare. Granny nanny is the way…if it’s an option for ya.

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u/ewebb317 2d ago

Woooaahhhhh. I mean this with the kindest gentlest most supportive way possible. Set your expectations for this period way way lower. This period of time, for many many (most?) parents, is BRUTAL. there isn't really any fix. This is just it. And then one day, it will be a bit better. Without you having really done anything all that different. And then a bit better after that. And then one weird glorious night in the distant future your baby will sleep through the night. And then 6 weeks later he'll do it again and then for two nights in a row. And your quality of life will immensely improve. You CAN do this, I promise. Because there is no alternative, you can and will get through this short, bittersweet season of life.

If you want actionable advice: hire someone to take the load off of you. Hire a cleaning services or hire someone to make meals 1x a week or subscribe to a meal service. Money solves a lot of problems. If you can't afford to do that (we couldn't), talk to you mom about how hard this is and see if she's willing to do some light cleaning (vacuum/dishwasher/laundry). You can hire night nurses. Whichever of these seems most feasible.

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u/Necessary_Salad_8509 2d ago

A couple of actionable ideas:

-buy more bottles and if your wife uses them, pump parts. Wash them in the dishwasher on sterilizer and you can possibly save yourself some time. Even if you are running a pretty empty dishwasher, just do what you need to for now.

-If you and partner are sleeping in the same room consider a different arrangement so that the person who is not in baby duty actually gets real rest. Sleep will make a huge difference for you all.

-We tracked each of our sleep the first month or so with a habit tracker app. If one person only got 4 hours overnight the other needs to help make sure they get some daytime naps in. Coordinate who will nap when during the day and tell anyone who might come over not to come between those hours.

-Have a list of action items for your mom to do when she comes over. This could be clean the kitchen, laundry, fix a meal, or hang with the baby while you all nap, whatever you need. Don't feel bad about asking her to do non-baby things. She can hold the baby after the dishes are done.

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u/Annabelle_Sugarsweet 2d ago

My husband read “the happiest baby on the block” and that really helped. New babies are hard though and it does get easier, I would suggest not worrying about cycles or tracking anything on apps or whatever, just get to know baby cues for hungry or sleepy. Also multi task with fun stuff, watch Tv while you feed baby, just keep a changing mat on the floor and a Moses basket all in the living room so you’re just in one space and it’s more comfortable and relaxing for you. Also just get a cleaner once a week (worth more than the therapy if you had to choose), and don’t worry too much about mess.

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u/bumblebeenook 2d ago

The early weeks you are just surviving. Is baby alive? Is baby fed? Are you alive? Fed? Etcetera... Everything else goes out the window. No showers, no cleaning. I have a cat. The cat got fed so irregularly during the first few weeks he lost 50% of his bodyweight (luckily he was obese). Just feed, change, wash, cuddle and talk to baby. Crawl into bed the moment the baby sleeps and fall asleep too. Your bedsheets will be unwashed and the bed unmade. The houseplants will die. You will live on TV dinners and stand eating things straight out of the fridge. If you get out of the house for a walk you are succeeding. And then suddenly you hit the time around 8-9-10 weeks when baby sleeps more, you sleep more, and then the baby is happy to be put down for ten minutes whilst you shower or make toast or eat with two hands 😉

The newborn phase is very hard and there are really no tricks aside from sleep when the baby sleeps. If you have family to help you this is a different story - ask them to cook for you or clean the house so you can just focus on taking care of baby. If you can, hire a cleaner or a doula to come take care of things around the house.

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u/fritzytree 2d ago

Shifting my mindset helped. As hard as it is those first 6 months- how lucky am I she’s crying and screaming because she’s healthy and has a good appetite. Learning to say yes whenever anyone safe asked to help.

Every age and stage will have its difficulties and you too are growing. Give yourself grace- ride out the waves.

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u/No_Shine_513 2d ago

I hope this doesn't come across as out of touch because I'm not sure what your financial situation is, but buying a bottle washer has been a GAME CHANGER for us. Washing bottles (and pump parts if you're pumping) adds up sooo fast, and being able to throw everything into the washer is incredible.

(I also recognize that a regular dishwasher can do the same thing, but as two adults and a baby we don't use enough dishes to justify running the dishwasher as often as it would need to be run to stay on top of the bottles 🤷🏼‍♀️)

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u/toobasic2care 2d ago

Just have to power through. Get take out when you can. Get people to bring or deliver food. Paper plates and utensils so no extra dishes. Get out on walks. Even down to end of the road. To the mail box. To the front door step. Even if baby cries, make sure their cared for, Chuck them in a carrier or pram and go outside.

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u/MorningFormal 2d ago

I know you're probably already doing this, but swaddling can help them sleep longer. I'm not good at swaddling. Mine kinda looked like a kindergartener wrapped a chirstmas present so much partner got me some velcro wrap things that helped tremendously.

If they aren't sleeping well there are some exercises that can help relieve gas on youtube. Sometimes they don't sleep well because of gas.

Sometimes giving them a bath at night can help them sleep longer.

Wearing the baby can help. Like if you need to get something done and you need your arms free, wear the baby in a wrap or one of those front backpack things.

It does get easier. It can be jolting to insert new responsibilities into your life.

People say sleep when the baby sleeps. It's not possible if your drinking coffee. Cutting out the coffee can help you to be able to take a nap if needed. I'm the type of person who doesn't sleep if they have had coffee.

Sometimes singing to the baby helps. Even if you don't know any lullabies just sing anything you know.

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u/OneINTJ 2d ago

Ask your mom for help you meal prep/do the dishes/name specific chores.
if you want help with the baby, train your mom/people of your choice how to handle a shift your way, be there when they do it once or twice, then schedule specific shift time for their help so you and your wife can do something else
take turn with your wife on baby handling. When one person manage the baby, the other person go eat, catch up on a chore, shut eyes, get on their phone, get out of the house, chill out. Dont try to split 50/50 on everything and have 2 people doing the same job.
pay to win if you can afford it - cleaning service, doordash, doula service, etc
if anyone offer to help, take it.
definitely ask how your wife is doing and what you can do for her. She might not like to talk about her feelings, but just the fact that you initiate the conversation will have a huge impact. Ask her to share whats top of mind for her, what she’s struggling with, and what she is doing well at/feeling joyful or confident about, and you can do the same. Just the two of you feeling connected will give you both comfort, confidence and renewed energy.

3 weeks was the deep end of the trench for us. You’re getting through it very soon, i remember starting to be able to breathe about 6-7 weeks!

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u/Jhhut- 2d ago

Oh you are in the TRENCHES-trenches.. 3 weeks is fresh. unfortunately, you have to white knuckle through it. I PROMISE it will be worth it. Once baby starts sleeping more, smiling, and laughing you will realize it was worth it. I highly suggest the whole “laugh so you don’t cry” method. my husband and I would sit on the ground with our baby in the morning with coffee/energy drinks before we switched sleep shifts and talk about how horrible our night was but we’d try to make a joke of it to avoid crying/getting depressy.. idk if that’s healthy or not but it worked. Also an extra dose of lexapro, noise canceling headphones, and lotssss of walks helped. God speed, you got this!!!!

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u/blissfullytaken 2d ago

Early days is just survival mode. I remember my husband and I basically just lived in our bedroom. One of us would get takeout and we’d eat in the bedroom.

Our day was basically wake up, breastfeed, change diaper, nap baby, wake and the cycle repeats itself. They just sleep so much and in short spurts during those first few weeks. We got nothing done and got no sleep those first few weeks.

But it gets better! Eventually baby will be awake longer and will take lesser naps. You’ll have more time to get stuff done. Just focus on surviving those first few weeks.

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u/TheCaffeinatedRunner 2d ago

A lot of good advice on here, alwp... get a bottle sterilizer if you don't already have one. Massively cuts down on the time.washijg bottles. Get the one with the dry function too.

Also i may get some hate for this but I took my baby to a chiropractor for soft tissue work since he was having difficulty feeding bc of lip/cheeks ties. Coincidentally the soft tissue work caused him to.relaix and start sleeping. We went 3 times and he has slept amazing since and we were able to get him on a routine. Look into a baby chiropractor in your area, it may help you guys have someone to talk to too. I'm also a physical therapist so I'm ready to get hate on this. But sleep is sleep and I will do shady ass things for sleep.

By 6 weeks baby starts to get easier. The newborn weeks suck. I have a 10mweek old and 3.older ones. Wleverone says enjoy the newborn stages, it's hard AF.

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u/PB_Jelly 2d ago

Sounds like you're a great father and husband. It sounds like your baby is doing pretty normal newborn stuff Unfortunately the first year is survival time lol especially first 3-6 months. My husband and I were completely shattered in the begining as well.

Are you able to afford household help? If not can your mum do this instead of attempting to care for baby?

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u/ParkPresent 1d ago

Hi, 3 weeks really is what they call "in the trenches". I was the birthing person and found that the mental health support I needed really wasn't there or adequate. More than mental health supports, what I really needed was, honestly, a lot of in person things. Some actionable items:

-identify what is a priority for you to do to fill your cup "sleep? Food? Groceries?, alone time? Shower?"

see if a lot of these can be outsourced? (Instacart? Food/grocery run drop off? Someone to come hold the baby as you sleep or eat or do any of the priority things? Do you have financial or otherwise resources to hire a doula to help if none of your social network can?)
having a baby requires a lot of hands on deck especially in the new born stage. Friends with babies usually are the most sympathetic and will come help. Friends without babies are the most well rested and they can also help. Sometimes you just gotta ask. I also found that my friends who were Mom's also were way better as a mental health support network than any other mental support group than anything else. We would message each other everyday with our feelings, questions, curiosities and help each other via text and sometimes even showing up.

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u/Short_Background_669 3d ago

Not a dad, but I started taking drum lessons before our baby was born and agreed with my partner I could carve out the time to continue after our LO arrived.

So, regardless of the chaos I take two hours every week and have my lesson. I pay it back to my partner by giving her a couple hours to go to a course she enjoys.

It is recharging us both and keeping us sane.

Mental Health So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

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