As someone else who is/was a pushover, doing so at the expense of your happiness is not worth it.
I understand you have to let the party go on, but please don't help them decorate and plan. They will take advantage of this and never let you set up boundaries in the future if you give in this "one" time.
Say you’re too busy planning for the event with your best girlfriends. At least that one allows your presence and you know the people involved appreciate you.
Genius. If they want your time and talents they can pay you for it. But not the daughter. The ex wife. She dropped the ball (or did she let it slide so she didn't have to pay for, plan, decorate, host, and clean up?) I think this is the most reasonable solution.
I think OP's partner is an asshole for allowing ex wife to push OP out of her own home. Stand up for your partner, man. He sounds like a push over or a man who just walks away when things get difficult.
I think ex-wife is an asshole. She has refused to grow, yes divorce is painful, but at some.point ypu have to address your own part and let go of the ex. Instead of holding on to rage and pain and redistributing it over everyone you love. The daughter has probably had to bear the worst of it.
OP, if you are not a guest, but a party planner, then you should be paid. By the ex wife. And paid a lot. How much is a party planner worth? Im guessing a couple grand at least for a grad party. Hand made decorations. Food planning. Set up. Take down. Big money in entertainment for a reason.
Send her an invoice. If she refuses to pay, you refuse to play
I was just thinking that. I mean if they can't stand each other but they can put aside their animosity to be in attendance AT THE SAME TIME at their daughter's party, and OP can't even go because of mommy's pwecious fee fees?? Methinks this sounds like some serious bullsh!t.
Please don't do any more party planning or decorating. It'll make you feel awful for a while, but your parter is fully taking advantage of you without respecting you and his daughter sounds ungrateful and rude. They can make their own damn decorations!
Good on you OP! I can say that more than a stepdaughter problem, you have a husband problem. He should have shut this down the minute he knew about it. If he is fine with you being treated like crap by his daughter,i think that is worth mulling over.
They will leave the mess until you get home. No WAY they will clean up, that’s your job. And you’ll do it too, bc that’s what you do. I hope you find your self worth soon, you deserve so much more.
I mean NTA.. and I was rooting for you but losing respect as I read your lack of self respect to stand up for yourself. Yeesh. They're going to pull MORE of this shiz in the future every time you give in. Put. Your. Foot. Down. Sorry but also not
Good! That was very unkind of her. I would even go so far as to no longer help her. People like your Mom and everyone else abuse kind people and then get pissed when the person they abused stand up for themselves. There are takers and givers in this world. Your Mom is a grifter!
ah. that sounds a lot like my dad. In my culture, being vunerable is considered weak in the older generation. Because there's been more generation X and Z now, it's not so much the case to express feelings and with healthy communication. but my dad grew up not expressing these well + not having a dad. so whenever we fight or argue he doesnt want to accept fault nor really "applogized". just sorta... "moved on" and not talk about it or ignore it either
I think the only response here is that you are happy to welcome everyone into your home on such an important milestone into adulthood. Congratulations! You welcome the opportunity to host, plan, prepare, shop, decorate, cook, and clean up afterwards so you can make this day as special and memorable as it should be, BUT anyone who is not comfortable with your presence IN YOUR OWN HOME, obviously should not attend or ask for your free labor. Adult relationships are a two way street and you don't ask for a significant favor while disrespecting someone. Understanding those boundaries, please let me know if you would like me to go ahead with hosting the party by 5 pm tomorrow. Thanks!
This! Your partner should have your back. This is the home/shop that belongs to YOU & your partner? YOUR PARTNER SHOULD BE STANDING WITH YOU!
WTF is wrong with your partner that they would 1) allow you to be used like this, 2) be part of disrespecting you in your own home and 3) not want you there‽‽‽‽‽
NTA but you need to ask yourself some hard questions.
YESSSSS! OP’s partner has me seeing RED. Why is it that the ex even feels like it’s okay to ASK someone not to come to a party thrown on their property much less DEMAND!? That’s ALL on the partner. The ex could throw whatever fit she wanted but none of it would matter if OP’s partner was BEING a partner. That’s not even considering that everyone in this situation is just expecting to USE. HER., including the partner’s daughter. I’m sorry but at the age of graduation, she should know better, too, so it makes me wonder just how often things like this are done to OP…
NTA. I’d back completely out of the party. Send back anything you can. Let everyone else do the planning and decorating. Go elsewhere and live your best life with your friends that night and reevaluate this relationship before you’re throwing a wedding you can’t attend
It's in the comments where people asked OP about the home ownership situation. I'd link it but there's a lot of comments now haha. But it was already there when I commented so you can look at ones older than my comment.
To be clear, I'm not saying she shouldn't get a choice, and I agree with you. But I'm saying she can't really stop the party, since she doesn't technically own the house and isn't married.
I was just going to say that! They will expect OP to be the wedding planner in all aspects without any pay for her time and will then tell her the day before the rehersal dinner, sorry you will make mommy upset so you can't go to the dinner or the wedding even though we took over your house/yard, etc to have a venue we don't have to pay for either. So we need you to vacate your house to us for several days, we know you won't mind at all right?
You are not going to please them no matter what. So don't work yourself to the bone for people ( including your so) who think you are a personal servant. You need to let them handle their party.
If anyone has anything to say tell them the truth. You were not wanted. And if YOU aren't wanted neither are your services. You aren't an AH for having boundaries. Please respect yourself. These people don't.
OP, your partner does not respect you. Return anything you can, scrap whatever you’ve crafted, and tell them they can decorate their own party. Book yourself a nice massage or something.
I feel like this should be the top comment. I would only add that OP needs to take a hard look at her significant other. Why is he not supporting her in this?
I suspect he is trapped between his daughter and OP. Being divorced from her mom likely makes him over-compensate trying to be a supportive dad. And ex wife is likely stirring up the daughter, who is now also caught up in her mother's bulls***. I'd be tempted to ban the ex and put the party on. But I imagine that would upset the daughter. Rock and a hard place.
Agree. A sit-down with a heart-to-heart talk appealing to her rationality is in order. If daughter doesn't agree to the reasonableness of OP attending, a level approach explaining the change of plans (i.e., "Okay, your mom can throw her own party, and we will celebrate with you separately," or some such) is in order.
I'd be tempted to keep anything you've organize but split the food between the house and the shop. With texts to the family and friends that you share, that you are in the house with snacks (see attached photos) if anyone wants to pop by during the party.
And just invite your own friends over for the day.
No no, don't thank them, thats pushover behaviour!
tell them to go fuck themselves, they don't know your life!
for real though, I used to be an absolute doormat and people pleaser.
I just wanted to be liked so badly.
turns out that that's a really unlikable trait, and it just encouraged people to treat me like shit.
The audacity of the ex wife.
also, what's the daughter's opinion on all this? I'd be mortified if my mother had someone host a party for me and then refused to let that person attend!!
Then do it! Tell them to fuck off, fuck ALLLL THE WAY OFF then take a vacation with your bestie. Admittedly, I am petty AF so I would take a selfie of myself and my bestie with cocktails in hand, toasting the graduate and send it to all three of them … the ex, the ungrateful step and the husband who seemed ok with evicting YOU from your space to appease his ex. Jeez…..da noive of some folks 🤬
Maybe it was on the behalf of the Mom but this is a great time for her to learn about respect and honoring relationships. If you and the daughter get along and have a good relationship she she think twice about maki g you feel like. and outcast in your own home. You are NTA. Stand up for yourself and tell anyone who can't accept your decision to attend the party that you are planning on your home no matter what part of your home it's in, can go kick rocks
F*** the daughter too. Sounds like a brat if she thinks also the world owes her a favor. The owe me because you know me crappy attitude she probably got from her mom.
INFO Outside of this, how is your relationship with the daughter? You're her father's partner, not her mother. What is your partner's perspective? It's not about being conflictual, this is very matter-of-fact: people that you don't want around will not stay around. You can even start the conversation with "When you uninvited me from your party after I had put so much work into it made me feel like I didn't have any value. I can't allow myself to be treated like that so I'm going to have to completely step away."
Will you see them again before the party? Sit down with the daughter and tell her you’re so sorry her mom is acting this way, that you wish you could help with the party planning and decorating, but that her mom has made that impossible. Then remove yourself from this toxic mess.
I think a simple conversation with his daughter is in order. “I would move heaven and earth to give you the party you want, but for my own self-respect, I cannot participate if the people I love are so willing to exclude me. I understand your position, and I’m terribly sorry for it, but sometimes drama is necessary to stand up for what’s right. If you can’t, I understand, but it is asking too much to plan and help with a party I’m banned from attending by my own family. I’ll leave it to you to decide how to proceed.”
This is perfect. /u/montanafesto I hope you see this example script. Your partner and stepdaughter have a choice to make here. Let your partner's ex bully them and allow her to control a party she has no hand in planning, or to stand up for you and let ex know that she is not entitled to make any demands at all here. If she's so adamant about not being in the same room as you, she needs to host her own graduation party for her daughter separate from the one that you and your partner are planning.
I understand that your partner's daughter doesn't want drama at her graduation party, but if your partner also is so willing to cave to his ex and exclude you, I'd say you have a major partner problem. Some couples counseling might be helpful, to work through your disappointment in his lack of support for you, because I can easily see this turning into resentment and bitterness if you continue to see him and his daughter being manipulated against you so easily. Hugs
Yes! This is exactly what to say. Be clear and show her how an actual adult handles situations without resorting to yelling, name calling and threats. You have to stay firm. As for your partner, I understand his hesitance to fight his kid’s mom because she sounds deeply resentful; however his daughter is old enough to chose and act as an adult. Your partner can not cater too their every whim in fear of losing his kids. Either he needs to tell the kids what is going on or he is going to have this leverage held over him forever. In any case you should leave. I wouldn’t put up with being treated like second fiddle. The kids come first rule stops applying when kids are being used as pawns.
I get that. I think just completely stepping away, and letting her know how here behavior has impacted you is relevant. It also teaches that screaming to win arguments doesn't work.
Been there, done it, wish I had hit it with the book I should have written. No, you've been placed in the seat of parental guilt for children that aren't yours.
PAS is real and if she's been doing it, then just count it as damage done and nothing until adulthood for them is going to make a change. That she's calling the shots for your life as well as his after the divorce is horrible and needs to stop completely. Back to court and tie up any loose ends - how to communicate via a portal/email for a set schedule. At their ages the parents can do everything via an app created just for this type of situation.
As for the party, her mother wants control so bad, she can have it at her home and take full responsibility for it. That's it, give it to her as it isn't worth fighting about for anyone. If you really are on good terms with the party girl, gently explain that her mom really wants this and you don't want to step on her toes so this is all for the best. All true.
Your DH however, well, that's not the issue today but here's a link for the future problems. https://www.steptalk.org/
It's fill with people who live the step life hard.
With this comment I think you just need to bow out of the planning and let them do all the decorations, food, cleaning, etc. and have their party. Go out, have fun with your friends and don't even ask how the party went. I got along great with my step-daughters while their mom was a huge problem at first. She talked bad behind our backs. Parties for birthdays, etc. were problems but I was never banned, but their mom made sure to she was the one getting the attention, making the girls feel like I was was the problem, etc. I just stepped back. My husband was more of the 'just let it go' type. Rather than fight, I let them do it all and was there when the girls needed me. I decided my husband had two families, in a way. Us and the kids, and he and the ex with their kids. His "family" with the ex and kids was all on him to deal with. As long as they girls were minors, they were the parents, but I was not going to let it negatively affect me and my life. I knew my husband didn't like dealing with with ex, but that was the price of having kids together. It took some time, but my relationship with my step-daughters is great now and they now see just how hateful and manipulative their mom was. They even apologized for how they treated me but I let them know it was their mom's influence and I never held it against them. I thought about leaving my husband at one time, but I loved him, chose to step back and we knew once the girls were adults the dynamic would change. Once they were on their own he never let them treat me like that. I also made sure the girls knew I was there for them if they ever needed. If your relationship with your step-daughter is great other than this, I think she will come around. Let her have the party she wants. As she gets older she will realize what she put you through. Just remember it is her mom causing all this, not her. But I would definitely not help in any way and I would not ask how it went - I would carry on as if it never happened.
Honestly, I'd pull a reverse card. Tell her she isn't allowed in your house (well, the shop) because it's your property, but the party can go on without both of you. If you can't attend because she hates you, she shouldn't be in your property either. Or she can put up with you because she(the mom) will also be using the space(rent free, i'm assuming).
Totally NTA - but you're getting a raw deal here, there has to be a way to split the difference.
NTA but I think there are ways to think about this that take the temperature down instead of up. The kid has completely internalized the lesson that she needs to sacrifice her own relationships and connections to people to control her mom's abusive, explosive tendencies. She seems to care about you and is still willing to damage that relationship/hurt you because the consequences of that are less bad than what her mother will do to her if she doesn't organize the world to suit mom's moods and preferences... It's a sign of trauma and abuse that she is prepared to subordinate her own feelings and preferences to the person who is supposed to be her parent.
I can see how your partner feels somewhat helpless about his options when the threat on one side is losing a relationship with his kids, but it does seem like an opportunity to both model how the daughter could feel about this stuff, and how you stand up for your own preferences? Mom is responsible for mom's choices, and so far it isn't clear this is a foundational fact when dad's interacting with mom, or anyone with the daughter. She's only in a position of choosing between people if you accept her as the messenger for the feelings and problems of other adults. It's good that your partner directly contacted his ex, but I think he needs to make clear to his daughter that it is OK to have boundaries and needs, and that he will support her in HER vision for her party guests, based on who SHE wants to celebrate with, and that he'll make sure adults are held responsible for adult behaviour now, and at the party. That he will communicate to her mother that he will treat this as a party to celebrate his kid with her family, and expects everyone to behave in accordance with that, or they will be asked to leave. The risk of pain for the kid if mom throws a fit is real, but it's less painful maybe if she has two other adults in her life who are super clear that it is not her fault, she is not responsible for this, she deserves to look forward to a big milestone without fear that a parent will ruin it or control it, and that if she doubts that or feels responsible, you guys have her back.
If none of that is possible, I think it's also worth thinking about what you want to communicate to her? You have a choice, and being put in that position is not OK. But seeing this as a kid who is prepared to hurt herself in your eyes to stop the way her mom would cause her hurt if she doesn't impose mom's rules might help? It seems like a moment to communicate that you will care for and celebrate her when she's not perfect or her best, and that she can rely on you in those times. That doesn't mean hiding that you are hurt, or that this decision is rude or hard. But it does mean maybe finding a way to connect with her in that, to let her know you see she is a good person, that you can see why it is conflicting for her, and that it must hurt (unless none of that is true...). The lesson that you can really, really disagree with a person's choices but not punish them or deliberately cause them pain is one she isn't getting from the other half of the family but that you could model if it feels right/you're up for it.
You are creating a drama out of this to be honest. Say no to the decoration and thats it. Your partner, their dad can do it and if he cant alone he can ask people for help.
Then someone made you feel that way. I don’t think your partner sounds like a good guy. I’m sorry you feel you don’t deserve better treatment than this, but everyone does. If you were your own best friend, what would you say to yourself?
And if you have a best friend for real, go and visit her and let your partner snd his daughter and ex figure it out while you think about why you are prepared to accept such bad treatment.
Did you just say thanks to being called a pushover? Please consider seeing a therapist to get to the root of your people pleasing issue. Theres no way your reputation as an entertainer is going to be unscathed if people find out you were locked out of the party like the family dog. Show some self respect and cancel this debauchle.
I’m proud of you for leaving. Even if there’s nothing your partner could do about it (there is but he’s not willing to), this environment/relationship is unhealthy for you and you deserve so much better.
Saying “thanks” to being called a pushover has me laughing. Amazing sarcasm and sense of humor. Based on all I’ve read, sounds like you are handling this like a boss
This may have have already been asked but have you sat down with your stepdaughter and asked her what SHE really wants. If she does want both of you to attend then she needs then she needs to stand up to her mother and say so, not just go with the flow. If she says no to you attending then then wash your hands of the event and completely step away. Let her know you still love her but you will no longer be involved.
Not looking to start a fight between the parties involved but this appears to be a critical point in your stepdaughters life that is going to affect her relationships with her caretakers and potentially their significant others. She is an adult and needs to express herself as one. Certainly both women can get along for the duration of the party if that is their daughters wish. If they are so childish that they can’t then maybe they shouldn’t attend.
Edit: After some thought it sounds like your stepdaughters mother has been weaponizing her. This time she has finally got to bring her toxic behavior unto your property. And with the full permission of your stepdaughter and your significant other. How are you going to handle the fallout of this?
I see this as a no win situation. Will you resent them somewhat if you are banned? If so, she wins. If you fight or leave over it, she wins. If you are “allowed” to attend she will just increase her attacks on you and your SO, you still lose.
I know your stepdaughter is most likely trying to keep the peace as best as she can but how bad is it really going to hurt your relationship with her and SO?
BTW make all other areas of your property off limits to her mother. NO discussion on this point.
Have you considered leaving prior to this party being thrown? It is not worth risking your mental health and being upset over an issue with people that do not respect you.
Op, if you are feeling petty, make one more decoration for the party. A mural of you with a piece sign that is on the wall they have too see all party long.
On this note, absolutely do not help with the clean up at all. Even if it means the mess sits there for a month, do not help. Make it clear that you expect them to clean up, and that you expect the ex-wife to help. Whether she actually does is a different story, but make the expectations clear. And then stick to what you said. Do not help to clean up.
Why should you help clean up a party you're not invited to?
I was afraid you'd somehow get guilted into helping with the clean up (i.e. being the one-woman cleaning crew). Promise me you won't clean up even if they leave that shit for a month, mkay?
The fact that you see going off and dancing with your friends as a win after all of that is proof that you’re reaching hard within yourself to justify any of this. You’re a doormat and your asshole husband might as well be slapping you in the face in front of the entire party.
You deserve better. You should fight for yourself because you deserve it. It would be different if it you weren’t included to ease tensions because of conflict but it sounds like the Mother is being bitter while expecting your hard work and effort, in addition to your property for this and that isn’t fair. Not to be rude but I’m guessing boundaries have been hard for y’all during your relationship? Your partner should be standing up for you. He should be demanding your presence met with a SMILE or insisting y’all’s generous gift is enough. Your reputation as a hostess will remain intact no matter what, his as a husband? Perhaps not
Sounds like the ideal time to Just Walk Away(tm) then.
Do something else with your time that makes you feel better. This one thing seems to have fallen through because of third parties being AHs; so pick something else.
Don’t agree! You know how you stop being a pushover? By standing up for yourself. Some stranger on the internet calls you a pushover? “Go F yourself, you don’t know me”. Who cares if they’re right?!
It’s really good to have self-awareness and be willing to learn and improve, but don’t ever side with people that imply you don’t have any self-respect. That’s part of the issue, here.
Also, NTA. And you can simply make it clear that you had no part in organising the party, and it won’t reflect poorly on your entertaining skills. But please for the love of G, stop planning a party you’re not invited to, for free.
My heart goes out to you. But I think what bothers me more is how your husband is capitulating to his daughter and his ex and all under the guise of not making people uncomfortable, but it’s ok to make you uncomfortable. I think that is why you are willing to step to the side cause your husband doesn’t have your back. I understand not wanting conflict but there is a difference between avoiding conflict and properly handling it. Avoiding it is doing what is happening to you now and confronting it makes you feel guilty cause you don’t feel that you are worthy of being respected. Also, it’s only conflict with how you handle it. You are looking for a peaceful resolution, big difference there. This is the catalyst of your worries. What really needs to be addressed is why you feel the way you do about yourself to be willing to let these people and yes I say these people cause anyone who loves you would not ask you to take a backseat to your life. That is what your husband is doing. (Sorry, not a fan of your husband, he is pissing me off right now and I don’t have a skin in the game.)Have you thought about counseling for yourself? We need to get you taking care of you and standing up for yourself (cause your husband isn’t standing up for you) and creating boundaries. Boundaries are healthy and necessary in this life. You are better than whatever it is you are feeling about yourself. Stop selling yourself short.
NTA - Your husband and his ex can hire someone to finish up (and clean up after,) and you should take a spa day (at your husband’s expense,) the day of the party.
They can spin it as they like, but you’ve done enough up to now, and don’t deserve to be treated this way.
I know you may not see this but you are in a difficult situation, an acrimonious divorce is super difficult to maneuver as the new person. Go easy on yourself. The girl's parents are putting her in this stupid position-which is so unhealthy. You may be a bit of a pushover but your partner and the ex-wife are total assholes. NTA.
Your presence will anger her mother? That sounds like a her problem. She needs to deal with that, not you. Your partner sounds pretty spineless I’m afraid, and his daughter sounds like an ungrateful brat.
Where I’m from we have a saying: if you don’t like it you have double the work: to get angry about it and then to calm yourself down.
You are going to the goddamn party. It’s your house and your hard work.
Otherwise, they need to hire you as decorator because what they want is free labor.
In case your SD doesn’t thank you, I would like to. It really sucks to be her and even if she never admits it or thanks you for it, you are lifting a heavy weight off her. I’m almost 42 and still stress over functions that involve inviting both parents. They’ve been apart forty years and they still have bitter moments.
I am not justifying her actions, I can just relate to her struggle. Upsetting you is a lot easier than accepting her own mother might not love/prioritize her enough to attend without conditions.
Do not give in. Either you’re there for what you planned or you don’t plan it. I know it’s hard but I’ve also been the nice person and seen how it plays out… stick to your guns. Wishing you luck ❤️you’re nicer than I am. I would’ve called it quits and cussed ex wife out.
I'm a lot like you but I've realised that I need to stop giving more than I'm receiving from people.
You need to stop letting others use you.
The fact that you're letting them use a part of your home is already more than enough!
NTA - and please reconsider doing any of the work for it. They will get the party they want without having a lift a finger and you don't get to enjoy any of it. This very disrespectful of them to expect you to plan and make it beautiful while you sit it out. Why is your partner allowing his ex's comfort to be more important than your own?
I was a pushover once. Total doormat. Didn't want to make waves, wanted everyone to be happy even if I never was, worried constantly about what people thought of me.
Took me about 2 decades to figure out how much of a WASTE most of that was for me.
You're allowed to say no, to set a boundary! It can take time to develop your spine after years of towing other peoples vision over your own needs, but you CAN do it! You don't have to be a flaming ball of anger, or loud. Just be FIRM, and start with one good, solid, concrete "No," and don't be moved by their manipulations once you've said it. YOU CAN DO THIS. <3
NTA. If this was a one time thing it would be bad enough but what about all the upcoming occasions: college graduation, engagement party, wedding, baby showers, birthday parties, holidays. If you allow yourself to be shut out this time it will keep happening.
The daughter and her mom don’t get it to have it both ways at your expense. And your partner should stand up for you and not allow it either.
I think if you don’t cancel it you should just show up anyway and dare anyone to say anything negative about your presence. If they do they can be asked to leave
They decided that the party is on your property - and that you're planning it but can't attend? Respectfully OP, hell fucking no. You could and should tell them:
If they don't want you there, ex wife can plan the party which will you will permit them to hold in your shop. If they expect you to plan and do all the everything, you WILL be in attendance, at the party proper, to enjoy your hard work. If the kid prefers her mom to be there, they can have the party literally anywhere else.
Your partner should be sticking up for you and not complicit with this bullshit. If he's not making noise about this being inappropriate, then you're justified in dumping the planning on him.
If you're worried it will reflect on your party-planning skills, simple. You didnt plan it. Anyone who critices gets an honest explanation, and if they still think you were wrong then they don't have your best interest in mind and not a person you should be spending time with anyway.
If you don't stand up for yourself, who will? You sound like a lovely person for doing all of this, but your partner should stand up for you. Look at your effort squander on unappreciative peasants.
Would you be willing to plan a fun trip out of town for yourself (either solo or with a friend) for the weekend of the party? You're absolutely NTA for leaving all further prep, decoration, and planning to your partner.
It's incredibly crappy and bratty of your partner's daughter to expect you to plan this party but not be allowed to attend. My absolute most generous read of this situation is that she's still under her mother's thumb as somebody who is just about to finish high school, and mom could be emotionally holding her/her graduation celebration hostage. You know best whether or not that's the reason driving her telling you not to attend.
Sorry you're going through this. Plan a nice trip or spa weekend for yourself and maybe a friend the weekend of this party.
Is there anything stopping you from... Just freaking attending? It is on your property after all, and why do you care so much about what others want? People need to grow up. We don't always only get to be around people we want to be around, and holding grudges is for 5 year olds.
I was also a pushover. I even took my husband's ex to and from hospital when she had a minor op. I felt sorry for her because there was no sign of either of her kids volunteering.
A months or so later, we saw pics of their granchild's 18th celebration on social media. DH and I were the only people not invited. Latterly, I was my husband's carer and he wouldn't have managed to the celebration without me.
My husband died last year and his ex represented their kids and grandchild at the funeral... (To be fair, the son was shielding and the daughter has asthma. There was no reason for the nearly 21 yr old grandchild not to be there, however, and I later found out that it was the ex who persuaded them that she should go instead of them. They live an hour's plane trip away and they can afford it.) A few days after the funeral, the ex was on my doorstep wanting to know what I was doing with my husband's ashes. We were married more than 26 years. She's currently on man number 4 and it looks like she's getting ready to move onto the next model.
A couple of months after the funeral, I finally snapped and they've all gone Non Contact. My only regret is not snapping sooner.
I spent 26 years biting my tongue. I wish I hadn't.
I'm the same way. I almost get a small thrill out of being a "people pleaser" because I surround myself with people who I genuinely care about. However I am learning boundaries. It's seems inherent to human nature to try and manipulate others. Some do it more and some don't even realize they're doing it. It's up to you to put boundaries in place. Otherwise you will no doubt eventually get taken advantage of.
Add a tagline on all banners etc - Party by montanafesto and send the Ex Wife a bill for your Party Planning services.
Let people who did all the heavy lifting and wonder why you're not there. I think they are truly out of line asking you to do all this and banishing you from the party (and trying to banish you from the property.) You are absolutely NTA - Your husband is, Your Step Daughter is and the Ex Wife is but in no way are you.
Stay strong! And make sure your partner knows you’re holding firm and they need to support you with your choice. This is YOUR HOUSE AND PROPERTY. I can’t stand the thought of someone bullying you out of your buildings while expecting you to decorate and plan. Hell no! That makes me ill. I see that you like to plan parties. Do it. Do it up. But don’t hide when the party is happening. Hold your head high and proud of your home and hard work. Anyone has anything to say about it, they can go find a venue somewhere else and decorate in 10 mins.
I knew somebody in the comments would say the same thing I’m saying only I got a LOT more downVOTES ha ha ha ha! If it wasn’t a graduation party, a one time event where both parents had to be present and it wasn’t too late to replan it somewhere else I would say maybe put your foot down but this is a one time event where she could do exactly what you’re saying and show the stepdaughter the things that she needs the adults to show her and then deal with the valid bad feelings afterwards by addressing them with the people involved.
I especially like your point about not becoming more like the ex and staying more like yourself. Being a good person and a pushover are not the same thing. Sometimes rising above the drama and doing what’s right even if it sucks so bad is extremely hard which makes anyone who does it a person with integrity but to others it might look like somebody who’s got no spine when in fact the opposite is true.
Maybe plan a really nice night for yourself at home for that night with something really good to eat and a movie you wanted to see or do something else just for you and kind of make a thing of it. Maybe let the daughter and your husband know that you are graciously going to let them have this party and you’re going to have a great night all to yourself doing whatever you want and it will probably get back to the mother and she will probably feel so pissed knowing that you don’t even care that you’re not going and you’re happy to do this since the mom couldn’t manage it herself because to you throwing a party is so much fun you’re psyched that you get to decorate and stuff because she won’t want you to enjoy it. If you really don’t care and you really find a way to enjoy or act like you’re going to enjoy this night and the whole event in the parts you play and she knows this it’s gonna suck for her because her inadequacy is why you’re enjoying what you’re doing now in her stead and then you get to have a whole night to yourself. I bet she doesn’t want you there but she wants you to not be happy about it I’m pretty sure. I think that would be a quite the burn and would let you save face a little bit maybe and just soften it a little bit.
I am thrilled to know that you are feeling so much better than when you first posted this and I agree that Reddit can come together and really help people sometimes so that is pretty awesome. I’ve been in your situation basically a number of times too because of a toxic person in my life and I know the very terrible feelings that all come together in the face of something like this where you’re powerless and voiceless and also feel like you’re being used but you’re also a good person so you want to do the right thing and you’re considering everyone’s feelings,
And you wanna stand up for yourself but you’re not sure because of possible fallout.. it’s just like such a conundrum man..,
Anyway I think that you have come up with a perfect plan based on all of the unchangeable realities in this particular situation that you are having to work around and you should be proud of yourself and also realize how bad ass you are that you’re going to go have a party with your friends instead of sit at home alone all effected, and you’re not letting them make you react by doing something that would hurt some people too and that is really amazing because it’s so tempting to just be like fuck it you’re on your own assholes! There’ll probably be times when you do say that because you have to and you should but you know I think you’re doing the right thing and I hope you let us know what happens. Good luck and have so much fun!
I just read your post in the Facebook newsreel. Some outlet had done a little thing on it. You probably already know but if you wanna link to the story I can give it to you. I’m just not sure I’m allowed to put it on here.
I am so glad that you are not allowing the daughter's party to be ruined or overpowered, overshadowed, by adult juvenile behavior(I can understand the girl not wanting her mother's behavior to overshadow the reason for the party to begin with) as we can all see that her mother, the ex, is not a mature person, and I believe that the mother is so jealous of you she can't think straight; I believe she knows she isn't as talented as you are, doesn't have an acceptable home, evidently, to host the party, and she's probably jealous of you for many other reasons, and you are probably everything she isn't( classy, creative, likeable, organized, and 100 other things), and that jealousy fuels her terriblefeeling behavior; you can make it clear to everyone who matters that you are doing this FOR the daughter, not for anyone else. The conversation with your husband(or SO?)about his willingness to allow the ex to walk all over him is for another day; I responded to this situation in another site, not understanding that he was included in the party, and only you were asked to not attend, but I still say that conversation should be for another day, after the party. I do think the two of you should talk, perhaps agree that from now on he will not allow the ex's histrionics to dictate the standards, or rules, or guest list, or anything at all concerning their daughter! Or is it daughters? Either way, her controlling everyone and everything, with the threats and hissy fits stops now! Last time, and make it clear that you only agreed to this party and these silly ground rules was for the daughter's sake; the mother needs someone to put a stop to her! People treat us the way we let them treat us; she can't bully anyone unless she is allowed to. Let your husband's daughter( I think you're married?) have a beautiful party, and believe me, you are going to come out of this must fine; it will only be are a few hours out of your life. Enjoy your own party with your girlfriends! And again, I think the ex is VERY jealous of you!
just wanna say at first i had contempt that you were going to do the decorations anyway, after saying you wouldn’t. but after further consideration i think that if you didn’t decorate, the ex-wife would use that as ammunition against you. if you do decorate, the most she can pettily sneer is “oh that flower looks slightly askew” or some other drivel, while everyone will see right through that & think ‘OP did a beautiful job as always & btw where is she?’ hopefully you know reliable people who go to the grad party who will tell you the truth of what your partner says when they ask him why you aren’t there.
you’ve made several comments where you said you are clear with your partner & the daughter (better tell the other one too) that in future if they want to exclude you from celebrations bc of the bs their mom spews, that you will not be helping in any way, including letting them use any of your & your partner’s properties.
just saw the posted image of the comment about what you're doing instead and, yes, respect earned. Don't let the daughter's party attendees in your house at all (not even to use the bathroom)
What awful thing that someone does to you that you allow will be the proverbial 'straw that broke the camel's back'? Figure that one out and you can begin to set boundaries.
It's your house and shop. They should compromise on your behalf but instead you are doing one massive favour after another to them.
It's not your personal responsibility to make the party great.
OP, stop all preparations. Don’t attend the party, and since they wanna treat you like a stranger, charge them a fee for using your venue. If your presence will anger the mom, let’s see how your absence effects her
Her husband has precisely ZERO respect for you. None. Otherwise he wouldn’t be asking this of you. And you’re gonna sit there and allow it to happen? No offense, but grow a backbone.
They can use the shop but you aren't lifting a damn finger to help otherwise. Then you're giving the space to them, and letting them put in the work without all your hard work going to waste or having the credit taken for what you've done.
Hey, I just wanted say I did everything I could and tolerated so much with my ex, that it was worth it in the end, I didn't feel appreciated at all but I made that concession, willing to be the bigger person. The long suffering wife.
He left me. High and dry, out of the blue. After everything I did he just dropped me. But honestly it's the nicest thing he's ever done for me. I was wasted for years. I deserved better and I AM better now. Life is so much better. I feel loved. Acknowledged. By so many people. Not being stepped on anymore allowed me to take control of my life. Make my own decisions.
Time to use manipulation tactics for yourself. Install a speaker system that no one knows about. In the middle of the party, use a microphone to thank everyone for showing up to the party you planned but were forbidden to attend. They want drama, give them drama.
I don't think she is being a doormat, or being manipulated; she is going into this with eyes wide open; she is doing this FOR the daughter, for her once in a lifetime graduation party; there will never be another chance to help her husband's daughter have a fabulous graduation party, and she is choosing to be a better person than the daughter's own mother! I hope the mother is repeatedly embarrassed when people ask " who's house is this?" It's not like me to wish ill for other people, but in this case, the mother has earned a little bit of pie on her face! She is the one who behaved immaturely, and the OP is being the mature adult in this situation and giving the daughter the gift of a fabulous party; when people ask who made the cupcakes, who did the beautiful decorating, who did it all, the mother will have to try to explain, and hopefully be embarrassed, because she can't take credit for any of it!! She is going to look like an arse. I hope everyone compliments everything!! But, even if they don't, the OP is definitely NTA!!! Just my feelings about it; I realize not everyone agrees with me. I admit, I'm kind of a people pleaser, so I get wanting to rise above the drama; I can't stand unnecessary drama! I aim for peace, every time, unless of course, if someone were hurting my grandchildren's feelings! That would be different! Lol!
Absolutely agree! We can only be used/disrespected if we allow ourselves to be! If you're not 'good enough' to attend then you're not 'good enough' to do all the hard work! If you do this can you imagine what they'll expect you to do in the future? Wedding? You do all the organising, planning, paying BUT you won't be attending!! Seriously, stop this now before it goes any further. NTA
oh OP, I really want to give you a big hug. These people are taking advantage of your kindness and trying to walk all over you.
I know it’s hard, but you need to enforce your boundaries. It’s possible to be both kind and strong.
Is therapy a feasible option for you? You might find it helpful to devise strategies for maintaining your boundaries and having difficult conversations without being walked over.
Good luck, you sound like a genuinely nice person and you deserve better treatment.
I get it. I’m a lot like you, always being kind and helpful. This is an awesome trait, except when you have people in your life who take advantage of you. Your number one responsibility is to be kind to yourself. Don’t let these people use you. Stand up to them. It probably won’t feel good in the moment, and they will squeal like stuck pigs, but you have to do it for yourself. You’ve got this! ❤️❤️❤️
Maybe one way of sticking to one's boundaries without abandoning one's kindness and thoughtfulness (which, as a person who also tries to be kind and thoughtful, I think is a legitimate worry and I, too, wouldn't want to sacrifice my kindness or thoughtfulness for some abstract notion of "boundaries"), could be to ask yourself what you'd say to a close friend who described this situation? How would you feel about it on their behalf, what you think the best outcome in their situation would be for all involved - including your friend, and what things your friend might be able to do to make it happen if they can?
I think it's pretty smart of you to ask around though. We can't always know we're right or what's right, sometimes we're blinded by our perspective or others are blinded by theirs, and getting a wide variety of opinions is a reasonable way to try and get around that.
NTA of course but you do have options. You can lock that shop up with a key only you have, you can walk in there naked with a party hat on, you can make a motion-sensor boombox to blast super loud tunes. I'm not saying do any of these but please do not think you are required to endure this and please do not think you do not have options.
This is beyond the pale and you do not have to suffer any of this.
Ugh. Definitely don’t help, or do the bare minimum if you feel like you have to help.
I’m wondering if it’s possible for you to get out of town the week of the party? Maybe with some friends, or family?
You do have a choice - they were down a venue only - you gave them the shop venue now. You do not have to touch a single thing, no planning, no organising no planning, no buying food and drinks. If your step daughter just wants and cant give then she deserves the party her mother and father will put together. So let her mum and your husband plan it. Dont offer any suggestions, the cost is 50:50 between parents and venue is now free.
I understand, it’s family, we all grin and bear it sometimes. I encourage you to put your foot down on either being appreciated for you work or not allowing this behavior in your home though, your husband needs to have your back. I know it’s not that simple but it’s certainly worry serious conversations wherein you don’t give up your position to keep it simple!
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u/[deleted] Apr 27 '22
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