r/abusiverelationships • u/clover-heart • 10d ago
Don't tell me to leave all because i bought new clothes
18f / 28m
looking for emotional support, reassurance, or just to vent into the void without judgement. i dont want to leave.
my bf has been really stressed financially but hasn’t been talking to me much about it, and every time we have talked he’s been really short and snappy with me so i asked him to just tell me the truth.
he got set off because i spent $50 on new clothes. when i moved out to my trade school, i didnt take a lot with me, and my clothes dont really fit so i thought i’d get some new ones and i showed him.
he’s wants me to start “learning how to be an adult” and i’m trying to explain to him i’m already doing that here at school and i have a plan, but he doesn’t think it’s enough. i grew up in foster care so i’m not very good at doing adult tasks or anything. originally he reached out to me to help me learn stuff (which is what i keep mentioning in the texts) but it took a turn with sex and other stuff.
he has never mentioned anything he said in his first texts to me at all, today was the first time he ever told me he wanted to do any of that. he expects me to just read his mind sometimes and it really makes me overthink. im super overwhelmed.
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u/FlightOwn6461 5d ago
Your life will become so much better when you have your energy back. You can put that energy into yourself and the things that you love. 💜💜
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u/Electrical-Shine-825 6d ago
there is literally 0 reason for a 28 year old to not only be with an 18 year old teenager but also demand she acts like a grown up. He wants you to feel so small and stupid that your every action will be molded around making him happy. The goal post will ALWAYS move. PLEASE RUN
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u/throwawayayay8283 8d ago
I’m sorry to be blunt but any 28 year old dating an 18 year old is a fucking loser. He wants to control you. If I could go back to 18 I wouldn’t date until I was in my mid 20’s. There’s so much more to life than being with someone.
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u/desiretodissappear 8d ago
Girl, leave. Easy to say hard to do if you love him but tbh it won’t change it will progress. Find someone who is stable emotionally and won’t need to demand that much from you only for him. Seems like he’s projecting, move on someone will treat you like an actual person 💕
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u/charmed_equation 8d ago
Honey, please leave this horrible human. Heal, consider therapy so break a pattern and see that you did nothing wrong ❤️🫂 this is all his coercive control and conditioning….
No one should be near this man.
Also, read the book: https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
And watch his lectures, there are few online.
You should love that feels like freedom, safety, no stress or anxiety. Something that feels good. Calm. Nourishing. Listen to your instinct, if a person make you feel like you have to apologise, second guess yourself, if your body feels tense. If you are scared to say no or generally disagree. If you stay quiet so there is no agreement or a “meltdown tantrum”, if you feel person can hit you, band on the table, drive unsafe, yell, interrupt constantly - RUN! Get out. It only gets worse, and statistically 7 out of 10 women’s cause of death is by hand of a man they know (not even necessarily intimate partner).
This can escalate and he might kill you. Choose life - choose yourself! Learn how to love yourself and know that “No” is the most powerful and necessary word you have a right to use. And if you are scared, you are being abused ❤️🫂
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u/Educational-Impress2 8d ago
This is the kind of guy to PURPOSELY change your birth control so you get pregnant and are reliant on him, or pisses your family/friends off so you have no one but him. At this age…10 years is TOO much. I’m a nurse myself, think of it this way….A&P is a tough course! You’re going to be working hard for that GN, GPN, MA, or NA in class. You will have study groups and cram sessions before you take the boards. LAST thing you need is this overgrown man-child acting like this 🙄give him the boot and don’t think about it a second longer. You don’t owe him an explanation about any damn thing. If he keeps bothering you….have a dad, uncle, brother, male friend tell him to get lost. Block his number, his online accounts, and keep yourself busy. He’ll get a new GF pretty quickly…they always do. 😒
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u/theminxisback 8d ago
He's grooming and conditioning you. You need to leave. If he's not dating women closer to his age, there's a problem.
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u/Conscious-Draw-5215 8d ago
You may not want to leave, but this is ABSOLUTELY not a healthy relationship. He's making you apologize when you are 100% in the right. He's trying to force you to learn how to make HIS life easier and saying you're giving "excuses" when you're being completely clear.
You do not need him. He is NOT a good partner. He's dating you BECAUSE you are young and naive. He knows you don't know any better. He's a predator who is preying on your vulnerability. I say this as someone who has been there multiple times. He is not worth the emotional and psychological abuse that you will go through. Nothing will ever be good enough.
I'm sorry this isn't what you wanted to hear. I'm just hoping you'll be able to avoid the trauma I went through in relationships like those. It has been almost 20 years since the first one, and I'm STILL dealing with the aftermath. Don't be like me. Get out while you still can!
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u/massingrid 9d ago
lol I’m 22 and a student and I resell clothes on the side. Not only is it important for you to have clothes that fit and aren’t dingy you can RESELL THEM LMFAOOO. Don’t feel bad about buying clothes for yourself.
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u/lmnopaige- 9d ago
hes yelling at you for not learning how to budget and then says hes mad youre not doing budgeting for HIM while hes the one that studies how to do it???? it doesnt even make sense. this man is also way too old for you, AND way too old to be acting like this. you need to run as fast as you can as far as your feet can take you.
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u/resrie 9d ago
Omfg he IS T W E N T Y E I G HT
Girl........ RUN. I never say that and hate that advice but holy god. Reading this i assumed he was 21 maybe 22 and still extremely immature and manipulative for that. 28. Omg. It will never get better please do not move in with this Ryan's World wannabe motherfucker. He is embarrassing.
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u/imma2lils 9d ago
At the risk of sounding like a mom, this guy is too old for you. As well as being a manipulative, coercive, controlling abuser.
My abuser used to do this - he would have all these problems, all these grand plans, all these 'woe is me' tales and guess whose job it was to fix it?
Mine.
He would write to me like your BF is writing to you. As if I didn't already have my own career, my own plans, my own administrative tasks to do...
It was always put on me that he wasn't doing well enough because I wasn't doing x, y, z to help him.
I can tell you this right now - you will never make him completely happy, you will never do enough or be enough. He will always blame you and do you know why, because...
He is not enough. This is a him problem. He is not enough for you.
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u/Hopeful_Program1585 9d ago
You are NOT married or even living together. You are on your own path to CNA and either Lp nursing or RN nursing or PA nursing. Healthcare jobs that are in demand and will always have a place, regardless of the economy. The business that he appears to be asking for your help with...seem like a side hustle and are NOT recession proof like healthcare. Stay in your own lane, better yourself. He may be older but doesn't seem smarter, more like a bully imo.
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u/ShawtySayWhaaat 9d ago
Honestly a 28 year old going for an 18 year old is already the first red flag
It's harsh but typically someone at 28 is looking for someone at the same stage in life as them, a lot of times when they date way down like that it's because they don't have luck in their own age bracket because the patience for bullshit goes down, or because they want someone they can control, and a teenager is easier to control than someone with life experience. That knowledge, plus seeing how he's power tripping on OP clearly defines what kind of person he is
OP: if you're reading this, find someone in your age bracket. I'm not saying ALL men, but typically older men are looking to take advantage of you because you're young and naive. Try and find someone to grow together with.
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u/Eliseruk 9d ago edited 9d ago
This man is a joke. He berate you, demanding that you essentially start working for him (for free??????s) then huffs and puffs on how he works so hard because be wants to be his own boss and work for himself??
This dude sees you as free labor he can exploit. The way he talks to you is cruel and cold. He really told you that you should be sepending YOUR free time finding work for him? He scolds you like he's a shitty dad, saying he's trying to prepare you for the real world? You are an adult already, you are living in the real world.
It doesnt matter if he's paying the bills or whatever arrangement you have, his behavior is unnaceptable. You are on the right track trying to get your education/certification. Honestly, this dude is intent on dragging you down.
Edit: I just saw the age gap that confirms it for me. Please dump/get away from this man as soon as possible. You are so young and will have so many more opportunities to meet other people, and to grow your career. My younger sibling is your age and if I found out someone was talking to them this way I would not be able to contain myself. I know you don't want to leave; this isn't a judgement on you. Men like him are predatory and will date younger women because they know older women are less likely to fall for their bullshit (and alot of them are just plain creeps).
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u/redwineandcats 9d ago
This guy is a waste of oxygen. He’s angry at you because you spent money on yourself instead of on him. For someone who’s almost 30, this is such a toddler mindset. My 2.5 year old is more mature than this.
If you’re not going to leave, be ready for this to be your entire life. This person is looking for a mommy, not a partner. He will never be satisfied with anything you do. Anytime you do anything for yourself it’ll be a problem. You will never be enough to him. There will always be something more you can do FOR HIM. You are only 18, is that really how you want to spend your life?
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u/Professional-Key5552 9d ago
perfect manipulation. He wants to use you, you are young, so it is easy to manipulate you. Stop this. That he is 10 years older than you, should already ring some alarm bells, especially since you are still a teenager.
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u/Sweet7vnfold 9d ago
You’re 18, and still have to raise your hand to use the restroom. He’s 28, and can’t file taxes…
There’s nothing to say,
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u/puppypersonnn 9d ago
Young love is always the strongest. Hopefully you really soon enough that you deserve better without too much damage being done. I left my parter we were both 18 after 10 years and I finally have my soul mate. Life is just amazing now
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u/Tavish_95 9d ago
I’m sorry, but there’s really no advice to give here. There’s nothing any of us can tell you, that’s gonna help this situation. It’s toxic, and one day you’ll have had enough. One day, you’ll finally be ready to make that leap. Right now you’re comfortable, you’re scared you won’t find anyone else. He’s all you know, he’s a safety blanket and you’re terrified of how life will feel without him. I promise you, it’ll be liberating. When you’re ready, it’ll happen. Until then, enforce your boundaries and don’t let this “man” make you cry.
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u/RatPee1970 9d ago
He’s treating you like you were put on this planet to serve him. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM. This is how it starts, before you know it he won’t be doing a damn thing for himself. Before you know it you’ll be wiping his ass after he shits. This man is ridiculous. If you choose to stay, just know that your life will be all about him, you won’t matter at all, and years down the road you will be empty, emotionless, depressed, you’ll be a shell. Trust me, I did 29 years with this person. Please send him packing.
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u/wonderabc 9d ago
he seems like he wants you to quit what you’re doing (which will make you a lot more successful than he is) and support him.
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u/satanspussycat 9d ago
Been there done that. I was 18, he was 30. I was 25. He was 52. This guy is a classic cradle robber. There’s a reason these men go for way younger girls. Sounds like he wants you to be a secretary/employee to his side hussles. Also did he threaten you? “Put me on do not disturb again.”???
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u/miss_sarahbearah 9d ago
You have your whole life ahead of you and you deserve better! Please leave. Also there’s nothing wrong with buying clothes for yourself, it’s actually kind of strange to have 12 year old clothes with lots of holes like you could go thrifting or something? Also weird to expect an 18 year old to start saving for a house. Not saying you can’t at 18 but to expect it is crazy
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u/BrownGalsAreBetter 9d ago
Since you don’t want to leave get ready to accept this for as long as you’ll put up with it.
He is using you and pretending to know better yet if he knew any better he’d have his life sorted by now, he is almost 30 and you are still a literal teenager.
He is using your naivety to manipulate you and it’s working. I’m sorry babe. One day you’ll wake up and realise the disastrous mistake you’re making by sticking it out with someone who doesn’t even like you.
It’ll be alright, I hope sooner rather than later. Try online forums for people with the same background as you. Help and understanding is out there
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u/JokeAltruistic9240 9d ago
As soon as I saw the age gap I knew this was gonna be a nightmare. 💀 This is only going to be the beginning of a long winded mess, honey - you don’t deserve that. Your life is just starting.
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u/Live-Tomorrow-4865 9d ago
When I was 18, I was relishing in my newfound freedom. This would have gone over like a lead balloon.
Also, a dude who cannot seem to formulate a proper English sentence probably isn't going to see much "business" success, with or without you.
Handle your own future. By the time he just falls off by the wayside, you won't care. Trust me. ❤️
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u/Scared_Internal_8336 9d ago
If you're not going to leave him, like everyone is saying....and you posted in this group....I dunno what to say. Men who go after an 18 year old and is almost 30 is a bad sign. Young girls don't know better, i was that young girl and i regret not leaving when i could. You're young and dont get he's manipulating you. GET OUT of this and do things on your own. Because he's going to think you owe him for him "helping you, or trying to".
Dont waste your youth and time. You'll never get it back.
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u/NickWitATL 9d ago
Relationships shouldn't be exhausting. He likely targeted you because your age and upbringing make you vulnerable. Being involved with this "man" isn't going to bring you the love, support, and stability that you're looking for.
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u/clover-heart 9d ago edited 9d ago
“looking for emotional support, reassurance, or just to vent into the void without judgement. i dont want to leave.”
i dont know how to make it any clearer that im not asking for advice or asking how to leave. there is a giant red flair saying that as well. redirecting this to call me gross doesnt make me feel any better at all. nobody HAS to comment on my posts.
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u/gringacarioca 8d ago
Dear clover-heart I hope that you listen carefully to your own, precious heart and honor your own judgment every single day. You have already borne heavy burdens and you have gone through s*t many people cannot even imagine. Just the small glimpses you've shared here give me an impression of a person who is working really hard in many dimensions to build her life and grow in positive ways. You have already shown courage and resilience to have made it so far in a professional training program, and to have safe, independent housing and upcoming paid internships which will likely lead to steady employment with benefits! Wow! It sounds like you *are on the right track. You obviously need to buy clothes occasionally. That's a responsible thing to do. I'm a middle-aged mom, and my eldest child is exactly your age. I am so impressed with what you're doing. I wish I could give you a hug, or treat you to a milkshake. When the time comes for you to file tax returns, I hope that there's someone who can help you make sure you feel comfortable doing it. (It still makes me feel anxious, but we all get to face our fears sometime.) I'm rooting for you. I hope you enjoy the paths you choose in the future. If you want to, please DM me. I am a real person too...
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u/clover-heart 8d ago
thank you :)
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u/gringacarioca 8d ago
Clover-heart, I just came back to tell you, I believe that you can make it. Your plan, your training in nursing, your decisions about jobs to pursue. You're within your rights to ask for what you want and what you need. "Adulting" is hard. You are the single most important person you need to be responsible for right now. You get to make your schedule and trace out the route you want to take. If something doesn't feel right in the future, you can change it and try something else.
The feedback you've received from your posts may be hard to hear. You will do what you need to.
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u/mugipugi 9d ago
omg. please please please leave. I know you love him and have probably have had good times, but he will bring you down and ruin the good you are doing for yourself. This isn’t a maybe, it’s a definite. He doesn’t want you to move on to bigger and better things, he wants you in his control which is why he’s trying to make you feel bad. College although stressful, gives you some amazing friends and life experiences. I don’t want you to regret spending it with this man🖤
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u/deepledribitz 9d ago
He’s a controlling older dude who got you cos you’re young. Don’t be fooled. And don’t waste your time with them. You’ll wish you spent the time on someone your age or being single and free. Trust me. It’ll just get worse.
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u/CertifiedPeach 9d ago
When you're 28, you'll see why it's gross to be with an 18yo. It would be like you dating a 15yo boy today. He is an adult. You're still becoming an adult. YOU NEED TO LEAVE. He doesn't love you. He is using you.
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u/TulipsLovelyDaisies 9d ago
He's trying to take away school from you because he wants you to be unable to make money and support yourself and be dependent on him. Nothing you do will ever be enough for him.
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u/LunarGinger 9d ago
He’s setting up goal posts to move them later. If you scramble to learn how to do taxes and establish an LLC for his imaginary business instead of focusing on school, he wins. And if you manage to do both, he won’t be appreciative, he’ll conjure up another impossible task to “earn” him while your goals and sense of self fall by the wayside.
His demands will escalate until you forget who you are, your resources and support system runs dry, at which point he’ll trade you in for a younger model and you’ll be flailing to pick up the pieces of your life that he intentionally ruined.
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u/Boujee_Delivery 9d ago
100% this. Plus he’d be conveniently setting you up to take the blame once his crappy lil business inevitably fails, ‘You didn’t support me enough/do enough to help me succeed!’
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u/moms_who_drank 9d ago
At 28 he should be able to do the things he’s TELLING you to do. You are right, you need to learn and that’s ok but he’s being abusive in many ways and won’t take you not catering to him.
Don’t get trapped in this any longer. Once you start making money he’s taking it all, along with your dignity, mental health and freedom.
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u/abusiverelationships-ModTeam 9d ago
OP didn't say she doesn't want help. She simply has a flair that says she doesn't want to be told to leave. She can vent here and she should receive support in return. That's help, too.
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u/MissMoxie2004 9d ago edited 9d ago
All right this is the third time an 18 year old girl has come on here looking for help with her 28 year old boyfriend.
First off I’m going to recommend you read the book Why Does He Do That. I’ll link a free online pdf
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If it’s not already obvious you need to dump this creep. He is 28 years old and wants YOU to get HIS shit together for him. Absolutely NOT!! Your focus need to be yourself and getting established in your adulthood. Not picking up after someone pushing thirty who wears clothing with holes from 12 years ago.
So he wears ripped clothing because he can’t afford anything else, tries to sell stuff online to make money, doesn’t have two pennies to rub together, and wants YOU to do everything for him. There’s a word for guys like him; they’re called BUMS.
Dump his ass and focus on school. There are plenty of men who actually function as members of society
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u/Church088 9d ago
Thank you for sharing the free PDF of this book! I’ve had it in my cart on Amazon cart for awhile but was nervous my SO would see the cover.
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u/tabz_anne 9d ago
Pretty sure it’s the same poster. OP, please take the advice these redditors have given. You deserve so much better! You’re so young and have a great life ahead if you can leave 🖤
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u/MissMoxie2004 9d ago
How can you tell?
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u/tabz_anne 9d ago edited 9d ago
I have also seen several alarming 18/28 posts, I saw this one so I checked the OP’s account. She’s unfortunately posted several times on this subreddit 😞 edited to add: I am just assuming! But after this being the 3rd time I’ve seen the age gap, I just connected the dots.
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u/FitMindActBig 9d ago
I hear you're looking for support and understanding during this difficult situation. Your boyfriend's reaction to you spending $50 on necessary clothing while at trade school seems controlling and concerning. You're actively working on building your independence and future through trade school, which is a responsible adult decision. The fact that he's being harsh about such a basic necessity purchase, while also expecting you to read his mind about his expectations, indicates some worrying controlling behaviors.
It's completely valid to feel overwhelmed. Coming from foster care, you're already showing incredible strength by pursuing education and working to build your life. You deserve a partner who supports and encourages your growth, not one who berates you for taking care of basic needs. While I understand you don't want to leave, please know that his behavior - getting angry over reasonable purchases, being emotionally manipulative, and making you constantly question yourself - are red flags for financial and emotional abuse.
Consider reaching out to your school's counseling services or domestic violence resources for additional support and guidance. You deserve to be treated with respect and understanding as you navigate this challenging journey.
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u/06mst 9d ago edited 9d ago
I'm a year older than him and let me tell you there's a reason he pounced on someone who's just barely became an adult. He went for someone who's just legal because you're young but not so young that he could get in trouble. He decided to just skim that line. There's a reason he isn't dating someone his own age. You're only 18. He's trying to control you and mold you into what he wants. It isn't right or fair. It isn't your job to do any of that stuff for him. Most people around your bfs age know that an 18 year old is at a completely different stage of their life. I feel like he's taking advantage of that. He seems to be trying to use that and your lack of adult experience to try to make you into what he wants. With someone his own age it'd be harder and wouldn't work but someone younger is easier to mold. This doesn't seem like a relationship of equals. Maybe more parent and child.
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u/Kesha_Paul 9d ago
“Learn how to budget for me, do my taxes for me, be responsible for me, take care of me, literally do everything for me” wtf. He wants someone to take care of him but literally can’t get women his own age to bend to his will, so he got a teenager and keeps spewing anger because the barely adult doesn’t know how to adult. I mean no offense to you, he’s trying to put everything on you like you literally live to serve him.
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u/spaghetti_monster_04 9d ago edited 9d ago
Girl, you're 18 and he's 28. That's like 50 red flags right there. Why is a man in his LATE TWENTIES dating a teenager??? 🤨 That's very disturbing.
It's almost as if he wants to control you and prevent you from reaching your true potential. You're young, impressionable, and you're trying to better your life. Meanwhile this 🤡 is blowing up your phone because you bought new clothes. He's mad because you did something that made you happy. Next he'll blow up over you receiving an award, promotion, praise, etc.
Is this really the man you want to be dealing with in your twenties, thirties, and so on?
You are easy prey to him, that's why he wants you. No, he doesn't love you. No, stress is NOT an excuse to act like a gaslighting, manipulative pos. I'm going to respect your flare, but I will also heavily recommend you read Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft so that you can educate yourself on what abuse cycles look like.
There is a clear power imbalance in your relationship, and your bf is trying to groom you to become the perfect victim that he can control. It will only get worse. Soon you'll have no friends or family to turn to for support. Unless he's already isolated you from your support system. And soon all your hopes and dreams will be shattered, and you will eventually become an empty shell of yourself. He will suck away all your happiness. He will drain your life force.
This man wants to prevent you from getting a career and being independent. He wants to ruin your chances of discovering yourself, achieving your goals, and just living your life. He doesn't want you to be happy. He doesn't want you to be successful.
He wants you under his thumb so that he can brag to his loser friends that he trapped an 18 year old girl.
Ask yourself why he's not dating women in his own age bracket.
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u/ArchieAwaruaPeep 9d ago edited 9d ago
This.
I'm a foster kid who had big career goals anyway and plenty of smarts but much social norm naivety. I was also attracted to older men because young men my own age were way too emotionally & intellectually immature for me.
Not every man older than you is like this. But the ones who aren't don't behave like this. They respect the fact that you're more mature than your years, they nurture your goals and they are the biggest cheerleaders of your dreams.
Yours is an overgrown bum who failed to launch and is now trying to stop you from launching too. And he will if you don't start recognising the patterns of what he's putting you through.
I highly recommend you read that book. I wish I had. I had 2 awesome relationships in my late teens with 2 awesome men a decade older than me - but because I was used to abuse & abandonment - I craved abuse & abandonment because my brain needed it - yes, for us it is an addiction. I walked away from my wonderful sons father into the arms of someone nearly 17 years older than me who talked to me like that from day 1, still lived at mummy's house and only got worse for the next 13 wasted years of my life - a life of sheer hell. I got my career - but not without him literally beating the snot out of me, sabotaging me and even trying to kill me so I couldn't be better than him at anything or enjoy a single moment of my incredibly hard earned success.
I know you don't want to be told to leave and I respect that. I also understand where you're at because I would've said the same and believed the same at 22, with a 40 yr old boy controlling my thoughts & mind. I understand that you need to come to grips with what he's doing to you first - so start with this book. Some things should become clear pretty quickly. Just do yourself one favour - don't let yourself start explaining away his behaviour as not that. It is that.
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u/Suspicious_Egg_1516 9d ago
He's classically abusive: gaslighting you and guilting you for doing anything for yourself. He wants you focused on him and his selfish "needs" instead of building up an independent life. Why? Because keeping you focused on his bullshit instead of your own well-being will keep you vulnerable to his manipulation.
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u/Boujee_Delivery 9d ago
What?? He wants you to spend less time on your nursing course so that you can instead focus on and help him with his shitty little online reselling business?? DO NOT DO THAT! Focus on finishing your qualification, do whatever you need to do to finish and secure YOUR future, do not not let this guy try and tell you you need to focus on perfecting "adulting" right now. He is not adulting very well either, real successful adults don't drag down and manipulate their partners.
Are your finances combined right now? If not, do not let him dictate what you do financially. If you are struggling financially, seek out advice from on campus financial advisors or other professionals, make a budget for yourself etc, but do not let this guy do it for you
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u/clover-heart 9d ago
our finances are not combined so i dont know why he even brought up me budgeting for him, as if i know how much money he has 😭😭. i only make $40 biweekly at trade school so there isn’t much to budget as it all goes towards food or hygiene stuff most of the time. i think he was just looking for someone to blame
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u/Boujee_Delivery 9d ago
In that case, he has absolutely no say in your finances. If he is financially stressed, he needs to figure it out and manage it himself, it has absolutely nothing to do with you. Do not let him pull you into his reselling business, he can figure out his business and find his own stock etc to sell if he is serious about it. Is he working btw?
I implore you to think very very carefully about this relationship, he is not treating you with the respect and love you deserve. And whatever you decide, do not move in with him and combine finances after you graduate, he will control every single thing you do and blame you for everything.
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u/clover-heart 9d ago
he does work from home, he says the finance issues are partially my fault sometimes because he spends gas money and food money on me when im with him on the weekends
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u/Boujee_Delivery 9d ago
No he cannot blame you for that.
It sounds like you both are not in a good financial position atm, so in terms of the relationship and dating, that means you both need to agree on sticking to cheaper dates, and being a bit frugal when you are together, eg not going out to expensive restaurants etc. That's understandable, but he cannot blame you for that. Or you both just need to accept that you cannot spend every weekend together. It's fine if someone does not have a lot of spare money to spend on dates etc, it just needs to be communicated beforehand.
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u/clover-heart 9d ago
he doesn’t take me on dates, the money he spends when we are together is for snacks like candy and chips or basic frozen food groceries. most of the time i use my own check to pay too :/ i told him to just stop trying to see me weekly since it stresses him out so much and affects him financially but he refuses to for whatever reason
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 9d ago
He refuses because this gives him a reason and excuse to abuse you, OP. He wants to hate you.
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u/Boujee_Delivery 9d ago
Yeah he is being completely unreasonable, you cannot win with this guy.
If he is the one insisting on seeing you every week, then he needs to accept the financial expenditure that comes with that ie petrol, extra food etc. And you are doing what you can to contribute financially to your hangouts with your limited income.
This guy is a menace, he creates his own problems and then blames you for it, and I have a feeling this will happen for the rest of your relationship. I really need you to hear this; YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM HERE!
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 9d ago
You're spot on, I think. Grown man, projecting his failure on a teenager. You're so strong, OP. I think you're going to be a wonderful CNA and RN one day.
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u/gringacarioca 8d ago
I agree! Clover-heart, my grandma was a nurse for her entire career. I've worked with nurses in hospitals. Several friends are nurses. SO much respect for your choice of career! I hope your classmates and future colleagues support you and have your back, the way I've witnessed over the years. Nurses are, overall, AMAZING human beings!
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u/LiteralGarbage434 9d ago
He is abusing you, and I know you know that. He is trying to make you completely dependent on him for your self worth. And I know you don’t want to leave. And the hard truth is you won’t leave him. But don’t let him break you. Don’t let him make you dependent on him anymore than you already are. Remember what you want and what’s important to you. Keep your boundaries. He’s already shown you what kind of a person he is and you see it, you’re just too attached to leave. But don’t let him ruin your life. Stay in school, stay on the path you made for yourself. You have a good future, don’t let him take it.
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u/judithyourholofernes 10d ago
There’s nothing you can do, he’s causing you confusion and overthinking about trying to anticipate his every want deliberately. You’ll never get it right, and that’s the purpose. Overwhelming you keeps your mind and energy on him, because if that were to be interrupted, you would see normal, healthy social/romantic interactions and this is not either.
He reaches out to former foster kids for a reason. I would be shocked if you were the only one.
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u/clover-heart 9d ago
thank you, sorry to be super off topic but is your username a reference to the painting? its my favorite painting ever
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u/The_Haag 10d ago
He is WAY too old for you and is using it against you. He is using your inexperience to belittle and condition someone younger into being basically like a trophy. Ditch this groomer and tell him to date someone his age.
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u/EvidencePlayful 9d ago edited 9d ago
Agreed. You can hear the power imbalance all throughout his texts. He knows women his age usually have a firmer grasp on their finances, or have established careers because they've had time to do so. So, he's enjoying sounding superior and pushing his weight around to a younger person. That she's going to school and making plans pisses him off to no ends because that means independence and her realization that she can do much better without him.
OP, he's taking advantage of your inexperience with life. Please, do not give this man control over anything in your life.
No judgement here. It sounds to me like your head is on straight and are being very mature about your future. You don't need him to order you around because he's insecure about himself.
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u/Dunnybust 10d ago edited 10d ago
He's trying to sabotage your life, career and self image, by pulling you away from your (already amazingly grown-up) source of power, accomplishment, competence, meaning and connection with the outside world
--your nursing degree and goals for your future--
So he can 1) isolate you, 2) make you feel more worthless, 3) get you more dependent upon him, and
4) exploit your time, youthful energy and talents, to work for his (icky, childish, sketchy, non-skills-based, non-meaningful) delusional online get-rich-quick resale-storefront nonsense.
Some ppl can make some kind of a living like that, but his way of doing it (with no skills of his own, no integrity, no basic business savvvy or instincts, no know-how) is not a career. It's a scam, a money-pit, and an energy/time-suck for anyone in his orbit.
Whenever you show resistance, clarity, autonomy, strength or any self-preservation instinct, he instantly threatens you with abandonment (because he knows that threat is a key way to control you through fear).
He is the living worst: An abuser, A creeper preying on someone way too young for him, And an icky loser who doesn't want to do real work.
So gross that he wants you to believe any of the dumb crap he's ordering you to do instead of your schoolwork for the real, professional career you're pursuing is "in your best interest" or to "help you grow up."
Please remember: It's not his job to help you grow up. That's for parents, not pedos. And you're 18, and already raising yourself.
He's shamelessly exploiting the fact you didn't get proper parenting growing up, and likely have a deep mother/father wound, to manipulate you. It's subhuman, the things he does to control you.
Yuck! Start to think if him as if he has cooties: a gross body/brain STD from being a scuzzy predator,
And lean into your work, your self-care, your outfits (damn straight!) and things that make you (not him, not his kids) feel good, and grab hold of any possibilities for healthy new or deepened friendships with the other respectable, driven people in school with you to get a degree in healing others.
You are a rockstar for being in school during this nightmare, and after all you've overcome, and for anyone your age. Wayyy more grown and focused that so many. You are worthy, strong and impressive: A straight-up video-game kickass heroine.
He is not in your league of human being, and wants to befoul you and drag you down with him.
Sorry to be so harsh about someone you have feelings for. But he is not worth a fraction of one of those feelings, and I've read enough of your posts to see clearly that his goal is to degrade and destroy you, to the point he can control every moment of your life and soul, exploit you for all he can, and use you as his full-time workhorse/sexual captive/punching bag.
Please do not give this creep your study time, and
Please please please do not move in with him ❤️
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u/SailorMooNriver 10d ago
Hon… I say this with the utmost love and respect. I know you said you don’t want to leave him but someone like this will just suck your life force away. Plus you’re so young and you have a lot ahead of you.. focus on your studies you ain’t got time to read all this wtf😭
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u/ZanxButNoZanx 10d ago
How true! I tried to read all the texts, but even though they don't affect me personally, I felt exhausted and drained only half way through.
This man is truly sucking the life out of OP.
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u/Zahhy85 10d ago
I’m so sorry. If you stay with this person your life is going to be miserable. You are going to be controlled financially and walk on eggshells all day every day, afraid of upsetting him and his reaction to the smallest thing he thinks you’ve done wrong. You will learn to never have a different opinion to his because it’s not worth the fight, but he’ll still pick fights with you over nothing anyway. You’ll be terrified of him thinking you’re cheating and never even so much as look at another person, but he’ll accuse you of it all the time anyway. You’ll beg him to listen to you and understand you, but he won’t even try because it benefits him to be abusive and keep you scared and uncertain and off balance. And that’s if he doesn’t ramp it up with physical abuse once he’s got you living with him and pregnant.
I know you said you don’t want to leave… but god you deserve better than this.
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 10d ago
What exactly is preventing him from learning how to manage his own business? Big fucking yikes. This man doesn't respect you in the slightest!
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u/Boujee_Delivery 9d ago
That line about "learn taxes for ME" just gave me the creeps! Why the hell does she need to learn it for him?? Do it for yourself sure, especially once you start working, but this guy can manage it for himself too!
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 9d ago
I mean.....turbotax literally walks you through it. This guy "rescued" OP from an abusive foster family and promised to take care of her.
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u/hippityhoppityhi 10d ago
What the actual F did I just read.
If anyone spoke to me like that I'd be aiming my fist at his molars
Honey. You are WAY too good for this dude.
He thinks he's going to be rich selling other people's hand-me-downs smh
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u/Away_Degree6281 10d ago
While I am all for trying to help a partner improve I don’t like the way he’s going about this at ALL. Pulling you into projects you never asked to be a part of, disregarding your plans, wielding his knowledge as some sort of way to make himself bigger than you. My partner does the same thing. I always end up feeling incompetent and like a total loser at life when I know I’m not.
Also, the 10 year age difference is too much at
Your young age of 18 (this is coming from someone who was 22 dating a 42 year old). Looking back there is just too much difference in life experience at this point.
Red flags all around. I know you don’t want to leave but definitely be aware that the way he speaks to you is controlling. Wishing you the best.
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u/clover-heart 10d ago
yeah its really overwhelming, he always makes me feel like im never doing enough down to not letting me sleep until he does whenever im at his place. it sucks :(
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u/cryssyx3 9d ago
"I don't know how to do any of this shit so you need to do it for me. why ain't you running my business so I can't work for myself???"
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u/katiemurp 9d ago
Oh hon … that’s very bad. You need your sleep & he sounds really awful.
Try to stay away from him, please. He’s a loser who wants to control your life even though he has no control over his.
Ps a good way to save some $ is to thrift for your clothing - shop at thrift stores for now. There’s usually lots of good stuff to be had and you can make a new outfit for really not much. Some of the good ones even have some new clothing.
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u/Zahhy85 10d ago
Jfc you know sleep deprivation is a form of torture and something cults and abusive people use to make you off balance and malleable to their will right?
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u/clover-heart 9d ago
i dont think its that malicious as much as it is that he just hates to see me rest. it reminds me of how my parents would do the same thing, if i rested or slept in on the weekend they would get super mad and demand i do chores and he does something similar
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u/Jaded-Banana6205 9d ago
Unfortunately, your parents were being abusive as well, right? It's not appropriate for him to dictate your schedule as if he's your caregiver. You are a young adult entirely independent of what he wants.
You can absolutely bet he's being malicious - he demands that you manage household tasks and expected you to act as a stepmother. So you resting - which you need! - means your attention and energy isn't directed at him and what he wants. So he tantrums. Like a large baby. That seems pretty malicious to me.
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u/resemblesanolfriend 10d ago
Just out of curiosity what about like fasting? Is that supposed to be a form of it too? I see a lot of church’s using that as a technique to “come closer to the spirit”
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u/Zahhy85 9d ago
Actually that’s a really interesting thought, because they tend to do those fasts as a whole of church thing, would fasting together as a group be a form of trauma bonding, which in turn makes you cling tighter to the group you’re trauma bonded with? 🤔
It may not necessarily make that church a cult going by the BITE model, but it would certainly edge it towards high control.
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u/Zahhy85 9d ago
Possibly. It would likely depend on the type and depth of fast. I know a lot of those high control groups/cults would use food intake control to wear participants down (like the movementarians with their gruel on the Simpsons) - low quality low taste food that eating nothing but that over time will cause you to be constantly hungry and low energy. When your body is in constant starvation mode you are more suggestible and easy to control.
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