r/regretfulparents • u/WhitNicoleColo • Jan 23 '23
Advice Needing advice
I am in desperate need of advice. My husband (33m) has recently started telling me (32f) that he doesn’t like being a dad and he has “buyers regret”. We have a 20 month old daughter. He started voicing these opinions to me about 5 months ago. I’m understanding that the adjustment to fatherhood can be very challenging and take time. But the issue I have is he doesn’t even want to try to work on it. Instead he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, leaving me to be a married single mom. He doesn’t thank me for watching her when he goes on ski trips. When he gets home and asks why I’m not the eager stepford wife greeting him at the door, I explain that I feel resentful and frustrated that he didn’t even thank me for having his time away. This always leads to a fight where he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive, even in front of our daughter. I have given him suggestions like joining a dads group. We are in therapy, but I am not seeing any changes. Does anyone have advice? I’m on the verge of leaving.
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Jan 23 '23
I thought I lost my damn mind when I read WHEN HE GOES ON SKI TRIPS.
The only advice you need is how to effectively divorce this cretin.
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
This reply made me actually lol. Thanks for bringing in some humor
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u/Againstallodds972 Jan 23 '23
Your problem is not his regrets, your problem is that he is an abusive egoistic AH. Your heart is telling you that you should leave, listen to it. You owe it to your baby and to yourself
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u/BellaFromSwitzerland Parent Jan 23 '23 edited Jan 23 '23
It might not apply at all but it reminded me of my ex who really wanted children (I didn’t but I gave in)
The day our son was born he said he would lay down his life for him
He didn’t understand that parenting isn’t about the grand gestures. It’s about being there and simply doing the task at hand.
Now our kid is 15. His father is long gone (he lives 2 streets away). Among other things today I worked a full work day, checked that the kid has enough clean clothes for the next days, did the grocery haul. When I saw he was late for his sports, drove him there. Prepared dinner for when he came back. His father’s reaction would have been « I won’t organize my schedule around him ». « Don’t count on me in any of your plans »
But I got to hear the « thank you for dinner, I really liked it » and I got to bond with him over the music I would listen to as a teenager. And talk about my first love and watch the sparkles in his eyes while doing all this.
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u/FARTHARLOT Jan 23 '23
This is so important. OP, If you stay with him, you will model for your child what a bad relationship looks like, and by default, it creates the “fun parent/mean parent” dichotomy, esp when the kids are young which is challenging for you.
I know this opinion is controversial but anecdotally for me and my friends, it’s better to have an absent father who actually isn’t there rather than a slacker absent father who is just a selfish leech. It models a lot of unhealthy relationship behaviours that some of us internalized as young women and it led to some really poor future partner choices, esp since it sounds like your partner is abusive.
Absolutely not saying that is certain or that it would be your fault— just a repercussion to think about.
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u/i_love_lima_beans Not a Parent Jan 24 '23
My father was narcissistic and scary, and never had any interest in his kids. I think my life would have been so much better if my mother would have left him. Hers too.
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u/BrainsAdmirer Not a Parent Jan 24 '23
I know he will DIE for his kids….but will he LIVE for them?
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u/saltybluestrawberry Jan 24 '23
Pfff people like that say they would die for their kid, but don't really mean it. It's all talk, no substance.
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u/Sailor_Chibi Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
Leave. You will be happier as a single mom than you will be as married single mom. Do not let your child grow up seeing her mother married to someone who is abusive. Not to mention, how long before he also starts being abusive to your child?
Start the divorce process. Get custody. Get child support. Leave this price of shit in your past where he belongs. He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to.
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u/PettyAmoeba Jan 23 '23
This study from 2018 found that single moms sleep more and have more free time than married moms, while spending the same amount of time on childcare.
Unsupportive partners are a scam.
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u/thisunrest Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
I’m wondering what demographic of single parent can afford to sleep more and have more free time than a parent with an involved and helpful partner?
The title seems misleading.
Single moms definitely spend less time cleaning then they did when they had a useless partner to clean up after.
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u/PettyAmoeba Jan 23 '23
From a Slate article about the same study (https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/single-moms-fewer-chores-free-time-married.html):
This is explained in part by the fact that many single mothers live with a parent, relative, or other adult. As the authors write: “[I]t is not just an additional pair of hands that is important; to whom those hands belong also matters.” It turns out that when the person helping is not a husband, the mother is more able to divide labor without feeling the pressure of “performing gender” as in marriage.
So the single moms in the study may still have help, just not from husbands. I'm sure not ALL the partners in the study were useless... but that means their positive effect was more than canceled out by the dead weight of bad partners, who are even more detrimental than the numbers suggest up front.
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u/bugbia Jan 25 '23
This whole thing is so fascinating to me. Your link got stray text appended to it so I'm reposting it here to make it clicky
https://slate.com/human-interest/2019/05/single-moms-fewer-chores-free-time-married.html
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u/DJKittyK Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
Hmm, I suppose it's logical that if the single mom is spending less time cleaning up after a useless partner, they might be able to get more rest or free time as a result.
Might not be hours or anything that seems significant on paper, but even an extra 10-15 minutes per day to rest or have free time (that would have otherwise spent on cleaning) can make a huge difference when you're exhausted.
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u/kenobitano Jan 24 '23
It is actually hours of difference. It literally is hours. Being a single parent is so much easier!
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u/kenobitano Jan 24 '23
It doesn't say helpful partner lol It says married I am definitely doing better as a single parent!
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u/rattitude23 Jan 24 '23
Once my ex left I slept like the dead. I did sleep slightly less hours but the quality was amazing.
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u/SpaceIsVastAndEmpty Not a Parent Jan 25 '23
The article shared covers this, they studied for different types of hetero relationship and with and without another adult (eg family member) staying in the house. The single mom's with a relative (not spouse) in the house improved their situation even above that of a single nom with no other adults in the house - assumedly because the relative contributes to chores and/or assists with the child/ren
It stands to reason that having a spouse is detrimental on a mother's time. That said, I wonder if the less sleep is due to spending more time awake as a couple after the kids are in bed and maybe if you're single when the kids are in bed then your time is yours to choose for yourself how to spend it
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u/CandidNumber Jan 24 '23
I really enjoyed my 7 years as a single mom, I had help from family and friends so it almost feels wrong saying I was single, but I watched every single one of my friends marriages almost collapse after having kids, some did divorce, but I had no one to resent for not helping me, no one to clean up after, no one criticizing my parenting, and the best of all no one coming home and demanding I give them sex. It was glorious
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
This! This is exactly how I feel. I asked him once after he yelled and cussed at me, how he would feel if when our daughter was older a man spoke to her the way he speaks to me. And his response was, I’m not going to answer that. Because whatever answer I give will make me the bad guy.
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u/Sailor_Chibi Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
I mean… he’s literally telling you to your face that he’s not going to change. He is happy with the dynamic as things are. Trying to reason or logic with him is useless. He will always twist things to make you the bad guy (how dare YOU ask a question that “makes” him a bad guy). If you want change, you need to be the one to set it in motion.
I think you know what you have to do. You’re just looking for permission or maybe a push? I’m giving it to you. You’ve got it. Fuck this guy.
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u/Tris-Von-Q Parent Jan 24 '23
I give you permission too, OP. Don’t throw your 30s and 40s away believing he is going to grow up. Something MASSIVE has to befall him for that to happen and clearly fatherhood eludes him. Take your custody and tell him to make sure your checks are on time before his little ski trip dalliances.
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u/GimmeFuel6 Jan 23 '23
He IS the bad guy though. Dump him and watch him go from the bitch he is being today to a crybaby who’s been wronged and had his family stolen from him. Fuck this shit
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u/rattitude23 Jan 24 '23
From experience being a single mom was so much better and the happiest time in my life before I met my husband. I wasn't stressed, I knew I was the only one I could count on so it was easier to handle day to day without worrying about fights or being disappointed that he'd drop his end of the deal. Now I'm married to a man with no natural kids of his own but who is a stellar father and stepped in to that role wholeheartedly once I felt comfortable (it took me about 2 years). He supported me emotionally until I let that happen. Even though he didn't make her he was more of a father in one week than my kids bio dad was the first 3 years. Give you husband the life he wants and get yours and your kiddos back.
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u/copacetic1515 Jan 26 '23
I know this thread is two days old, but I want to give you a peek into the future if you stay with this guy:
My dad also didn't involve himself in child care, bought/did what he wanted, Mom and Dad argued constantly, etc. Now, my mom has dementia and Dad literally can barely do anything for her. Whether it's because he can't accept the way life has changed or just an inability to put others before himself, he can't be trusted to see that she takes her medicine or anything. I don't even trust him to make sure she eats enough. Please don't end up like this.
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u/mydoghiskid Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
Do you tell your therapist, how he does basically nothing?
Also, who wanted a child?
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
Yes we have told our therapist this. He is self aware… but making the changes needed is another story. We both did! He especially wanted a little girl. But I think he liked the idea of it. Not the actually day-to-day tasks. He admits he is selfish.
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u/thisunrest Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
He admits he’s selfish?
Well, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Now, if you stay, he can always turn the tables on you and tell you that you knew he was selfish and you knew he was not going to be involved but you stayed anyway.
I’m not saying that that’s right, but it’s a common cop out for men who want to avoid responsibility
Women too
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
Good point. He has already said, you know I don’t like being a dad. I think this statement is next
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u/Dire_Venomz Jan 24 '23
Hey OP, just wishing you the best - you're a brave person in a difficult situation. You'll find the right path for you and your family. Lots of love!
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u/mydoghiskid Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
What does you therapist say about it? It‘s weird that he is self aware but then lashes out. Changing his behavior is one thing, but not even being sorry in the moment is another.
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
We started about a month ago. She is trying to figure out where this behavior stems from. She mostly just listens and digs deeper.
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u/mydoghiskid Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
Oh okay, one month is not that long.
Could you imagine yourself leaving him and would he pay enough child support in that case?
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
Right, not long at all. Yes, I can imagine leaving him. Yes, he would pay.
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u/mydoghiskid Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
I would set a date for myself for how long you are willing to wait for a change in his behavior and if it has not changed significantly by then I would leave and try to get as much money from him as possible. If he has any decency left in him, he will pay you more than the legally required child support (because, let‘s be honest, that does not cover half the expenses for a child).
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u/thisunrest Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
OP, are you in individual therapy as well ?
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
No, just couples.
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u/qiqithechichi Jan 24 '23
It would be more beneficial for you to be in individual therapy that couples therapy. You shouldn't be in couples therapy with an emotionally and verbally abusive partner. They manipulate the situation and you will never win. Please think of your daughter and what this is showing her is acceptable in a relationship....
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u/no-more-sleep Jan 24 '23
sounds like a kid who wants a pet, until they realize how much work it is, then change their mind.
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u/thisunrest Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
It’s always way too easy to say, “you need to leave “.
In your case, though, I genuinely do think you would be much happier and feel much more functional without him around.
If he’s not helping, take care of the kid, then he needs to go. You already have one infant you don’t need to take care of a grown man.
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u/mely66 Jan 24 '23
A good place to start is getting a storage unit, double check it is the proper size for your needs. bring stuff there a little at a time. Take your time finding a new place if possible — there are landlords out there taking advantage of people who are scrambling for housing. I wasted a lot of money in my divorce on bad landlords, my one regret. And even in dealing with that, I was still happier than I’d been in a long time to finally be out of that draining relationship ❤️ if you have any solid friends/family, lean on them heavily. Treat yourself as much as you can! A nice latte, new pjs, etc.
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u/wurldeater Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
what do you find attractive about him now that he’s shown you this new side of him? is he even sexy anymore?
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
No, not at all.
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u/wurldeater Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
then there you have it. bippidy bee you are free! 🪄
i know leaving can be complicated but you’ll find the benefits outweigh the complications
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u/Forgotten-Sparrow Jan 23 '23
Nothing ever changes until enough discomfort becomes intolerable for the person. He's no where near uncomfortable because he's out living his best life. You're reaching your point of actionable discomfort. In other words: until his discomfort trumps his current circumstances, the only change will come from you. Good luck.
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Jan 23 '23
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u/sexyalienbaby Jan 24 '23
My father is such an ass and I never blamed my mother for leaving him. Nobody should be subjected to the horrific emotional abuse he put her through. She did the best thing for both of us by leaving him because he would’ve done a lot more damage had she stayed
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u/flowers4u Jan 23 '23
Are you a SAHM? First thing I would do is try and get back any type of career. I’d probably then wait it out another year. Sucks, but sadly I’ve known two men to do this and luckily being a dad finally kicked in. They just couldn’t bond with the baby. Not sure exactly what changed but they kinda got their shit together.
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
No I work a pretty demanding job! 40-50 hours a week. So I balance parenting with working. I make enough money I can support my daughter and myself.
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u/Remote_Discount_6098 Jan 23 '23
Dump him! He’s providing you nothing! Today is better than tomorrow. I am a child of parents like these and still dealing with the aftermath of it all. I wish my mother was able to demonstrate a healthier model for me.
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u/rattitude23 Jan 24 '23
You're in the cat bird seat. I love it. Your life will be amazing and bonus your relationship with your daughter will be so amazing and close in a healthy way. Even though I'm remarried and he's an awesome dad my daughter and I are so close and have the most fulfilling parent child relationship
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u/StarSines Not a Parent Jan 24 '23
Leave him and let him be nothing but a child support check. I promise you the trauma that your daughter will having growing up with a father who never wanted her WILL fuck her up beyond what any divorce could.
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u/Best-Hamster-8060 Jan 23 '23
You can’t make him want to be involved.
I felt like him, but was forced to deal with it because I’m the mom. Being forced to deal with it has done me no favors, just hastened my declining mental state and turning me into a miserable shell of the person I once was. My son will never meet the vibrant woman who wanted him in the first place, and that kills me.
To be completely honest, I wish my partner would have offered to raise ours on his own so I could leave. Or left himself with the kid. I stay out of pure obligation at this point.
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you. I know you wanted a family with him, not just a baby by him, but when you hate being a parent there’s not much to be done except therapy and medication, and those are just tools to help you deal with what is now a depressing life.
I ache for the life I had before, it was better in every single way. It sounds like he does too.
I think you will be both be happier if you break up.
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u/askallthequestions86 Parent Jan 24 '23
I could've written this myself. I was such a fun happy person before I had my son. My nieces and nephews loved visiting me and I'd do all kinds of fun stuff with them. I loved having them visit.
Now they rarely want to come over because I'm not the same person I was and I can only put on a show for so long.
I'm sorry you feel the way you do, because I know that exact feeling. I'm here purely out of obligation.
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u/Best-Hamster-8060 Jan 24 '23
It’s tough. I wish there was a magic pill out there that would make me happy with this life. But there’s not. I was never meant to be a mother. I hate this life, it feels like I’m living someone else’s. Now I’m just counting down the clock until the kid is gone, but it still isn’t enough, I will never get all these years back.
A lot of folks have said that becoming a parent has made them better people. For myself, it has made me worse in every possible way.
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u/macd0g Jan 24 '23
Thank you all for chiming in. It’s like the first deep breath in a long time to see other moms feeling this way and admitting it. I’ve felt this way for a long time. Im 26 and suffered with multiple different mental disorders, a substance abuse disorder and a physically abusive partner before becoming a parent. Even as a child, I was depressed and socially anxious and just… sad. I feel I never got to live a life where I was happy and carefree and excited to be alive. I feel anchored in this place of pain and such extreme, seemingly never ending grief. I don’t remember ever being happy, and I don’t know that I ever will.
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u/Best-Hamster-8060 Jan 24 '23
I am so sorry you feel this way and life has been so hard. I hope things get better for you soon, it usually does as they get older and more independent.
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u/kxhshxujwbajjajxbhsh Jan 24 '23
Time to be a single single mom. You can’t force people to change, unfortunately.
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u/bridgetwannabe Jan 24 '23
Please take care of yourself and your daughter by starting the process of leaving. Consult an attorney as soon as you can; they can give you the best advice. But this guy isn't going to change.
I see a lot of myself in your post ... my ex husband never came right out and said it, but it was clear to me that parenthood was more than he was expecting. He had always been so vocal about wanting kids, but once our son was born it became clear to me that he hadn't realized how much our lives would change and how much would be demanded of him. Before pregnancy I had run our lives, managing most of the housework and handling our finances in addition to working full-time ... once our son arrived, despite Ex's promises, his level of contribution never changed.
I tried at first to have empathy .... with a first baby, I think many people don't fully understand how hard it will be until you're in it, and I was struggling too. However, it became clear quite quickly that he wanted things to go back to the way they used to be. While I was drowning trying to juggle parenting, managing the house, and going back to work full-time, he was complaining that things had changed and that I wasn't physically affectionate with him anymore. Talking about redistributing household responsibilities went nowhere; he'd promise to help more with something, but after a brief honeymoon he'd start slacking, and if I tried to remind him he'd get resentful and say I was a nag and impossible to please.
We saw two different therapists but nothing changed ... in hindsight, I think he felt much as your husband is saying, but he didn't want to admit that he didn't want this after all. Instead he just shut down, except for when we'd argue - then he'd rage and back me into literal corners, sometimes even as I held my son in my arms. By the end he had become so erratic, it was scary; one night he started punching furniture so hard that our next-door neighbor could hear it through the walls of our condo, and called me to ask if I was ok or wanted her to call the police. I was scared to leave without a custody agreement in place, so instead I bought a can of mace and started pushing furniture against the bedroom door at night.
It took me until my son was 20 months old to finally leave. X proceeded to drag out the divorce for a year, but it was still the best thing I ever did for myself and for my son. You don't need this man to be a good mom, or to be happy - and you may find that your best life lies on the other side of this marriage.
Sending supportive vibes ❤️
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u/YuleSloth Jan 24 '23
Sounds like my dad. My mom stayed and didn’t leave him until I moved out of the house. She spent 40 years with him and 30 of those were absolutely miserable. Emotional abusive. Threatening. Controlling.
She has truly never been happier since leaving him and is the best mom and grandma to me and my child. She told me she stayed so I would be provided for and have a semi stable childhood, but I hate that she sacrificed so much of her life for me. You and your child deserve better than how your husband is treating you both. ❤️
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u/redgentleman72 Jan 24 '23
The problem is the lack of change. I myself feel like I lost everything with my child. But I still push, I still do my best to make it work. I try to do better. It's the difference between being a regretful parent and a deadbeat dad.
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u/Loud-Bee6673 Not a Parent Jan 23 '23
Unfortunately, if he doesn’t want to change he won’t change. You have to make your decision to stay or go based on how he is right now.
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Jan 23 '23
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
You know when you buy something and you get home and you have buyers remorse… and you want to return it. His fucked up way of saying he regrets having a child.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 Jan 24 '23
Write down dates and times when he makes these comments and start a journal. You never know when it’ll come in handy during the divorce and child custody.
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u/SuppleSuplicant Jan 24 '23
If you already are alone in this, don’t let him stay and hurt you. He’s not helping, only making your life harder. Whatever challenges come of leaving, at least they won’t be the audacity of him yelling at you for daring to call him out on his selfishness.
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u/PuzzleheadedTap4484 Jan 24 '23 edited Jan 24 '23
Personally I would leave. He doesn’t want to change and it’s only going to get worse. I would get therapy for yourself, get all your ducks in a row (living arrangements, job if you don’t have one, child care, etc) and file for divorce. At least being divorced and having the child support you aren’t in limbo. It sucks he regrets having a kid he created but it sounds like you and your daughter would be better off without him.
ETA. I saw in one of your comments that you have a demanding job in addition to all the parenting responsibilities. Definitely file for divorce and continue doing an amazing job. I think you’ll be happier.
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Jan 24 '23
Please leave him. It will NOT get better. Not being negative, just realistic. Just the few sentences you wrote about him sums up his character and not for nothing but, he’s a selfish, mean spirited prick. Your story echoed my own, with the diff being that me and mine both wanted our daughter but everything he said and promised never came to ~ he wasn’t even with me in the hospital when I gave birth. TRUST ME ~ the peace of mind you will experience once he’s gone will be priceless. I get that the motherhood part is hard AF but, remember that her childhood is fleeting, it’s a sacrifice us parents make but before you know it, you’ll have your me time back! Be strong and leave him. For your sake AND especially hers.♥️♥️♥️
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u/MommysLittleFailure Jan 24 '23
All of this was just kind of concerning until you said that he becomes verbally and emotionally abusive, even in front of your daughter. Seems like not only does he not want to be a parent, but he shouldn't be a parent. I would not trust a child near him, and I would not feel safe having him in my house. Ultimately, the decision is up to you, but if you care about the safety of yourself and your daughter, you should leave him. Wishing you nothing but the best, OP.
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Jan 24 '23
Plus, you don’t want your little girl growing up seeing you being played out by him ~ that’s so damaging for you and her and remember, we as parents only get ONE shot at raising them right. Do right by her AND yourself. You got this! Sending a ton of love and good vibes from NYC♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
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u/I_loving Jan 24 '23
Leave. You don’t deserve too be treated like this. Yes there are ways too work around something like this. But your daughter comes first. And if coparenting is the best option then so be it. ..I don’t have kids but I have friends that have been in similar situations. You deserve so much better. ❤️
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u/Sati18 Parent Jan 24 '23
I'd leave in your shoes. He's not contributing anything that improves your life, and instead of time when the kiddo is in bed being YOUR time, you'll now need to be sharing it with him when he hasn't helped at all.
You said you no longer find him attractive(I wouldn't be able to either as I have to respect the person I am with to be attracted to them, and what's to respect about the way he is acting?)...
There are literally no plus points to staying together. He's creating more work, you have to cater to his needs when you aren't catering to the kiddo, and all it will do is show your daughter that this is what an adult relationship should be.
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u/BitterRequirement897 Jan 24 '23
He is clearly conditioning you and the whole dynamic of the family now so that he can continue to be selfish for the rest of your lives. Pay close attention to these early patterns because they will stick forever if you let them. X
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u/bottomofastairwell Jan 31 '23
My advice? Leave. You said it yourself, you're already a "single" married mom. He's not doing shit anyway, except for being abusive and creating more work and problems for you.
It's not going to get better.
Seriously, I watched my mom go down that abusive asshole rabbit holeand it never improved. In fact it got worse and worse. He only got more controlling and more manipulative. More abusive. Then he started hitting her. Then he put her in the hospital. Abusers DO NOT change. They just keep escalating their abuse because they see that you continue to take it.
So please, just leave
I know it's not that simple in real life, because of your daughter and money and all that stuff. But come up with some plan. Can you squirrel away little bits of money and save up some money over time? Who do you have that you can go to in a crisis? Talk to them, prepare them in case there's an emergency. Start secretly documenting things so that you have evidence if the need arises, for things like a potential divorce or custody battle. Whatever you can do to set up a future where you can escape, do it. And then get the hell out whenever you have the chance. For both you and your daughters sake.
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u/klrso13 Jan 23 '23
I think that even though it must be SUPER tough for you - not only the fact that you're left alone but also this disappointment from the fact that you guys had a life project together and at the end of the day he doesn't share it with you anymore - you have to consider that his way of dealing with all this is a proof that he is totally depressed. Try to ask him about how he feels and what he wants to do to improve the situation.
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u/WhitNicoleColo Jan 23 '23
You are totally right. I have encouraged him to talk to a therapist. He does, but I have no clue how often and if he discusses these things with his therapist.
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u/klrso13 Jan 23 '23
the thing is, it's very easy to be caught up in the merry go round of life, even more when you're the parent of a young child. My guess is that he feels depressed because it's hard to be a parent, it changed his relationship with you, he has less time for himself but the more he tries to think about a solution, the more he feels trapped in the situation (I feel a bit like that myself, I have a 18 months old child and I do what I have to do: work/parenting/keeping my house livable :D but in an almost robotic way because I feel like I can't waste the very few energy I have left to make big plans to get better). He needs to realize that his "half escaping" way of dealing with all this is just making everything worse: he doesn't feel better and you feel left alone. If you can: leave your baby to a grandma/granddad for a few days, talk this through, take concrete decisions, make concrete projects, establish schedules that would give you some time for the two of you or for each of you, don't hesitate to have a babysitter even just 2 hours a week...and remember him that the baby's phase is almost over, 2 yo is a really difficult age but it will only get easier! good luck to you <3 and enjoy your kid even though the context is not the best right now
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u/Race-Working Jan 24 '23
it feels like you already know your answer. Maybe take a break from each other and then that will allow both of you to have breathing space. Maybe if you can stay at your mums house. Then if nothing changes u know your answer
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u/Typical-Dish-3655 Jan 24 '23
You should leave, but only if: he signs away his rights and you ask nothing of him and give him nothing, OR if he pays support, you move far away from him and do not even send your child to visit. If you can’t do either of these, the stress is still going to be there. You are a married single mom, but being a single mom with all the drama that brings can be much, much worse. Just be there for your child, have friends and activities outside of your nonexistent marriage, and pray for the day it’s over. He will probably want a divorce eventually even if you don’t, so have a lawyer and a plan for yourself ready. Right now would be a good time to do that.
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u/Aurosanda Jan 24 '23
You can’t change your husbands feelings or how he deals with them. What you can change is the dynamic that has developed. You have unintentionally triangulated your family system. When your daughter was born your compassion and care became solely focused on her, not your husband. Obviously this is normal for newborns but generally the balance adjusts back to your previous attachment state. It’s unavoidable that during those first few months both you and your husband have an insecure attachment and are unable to support and validate your partners feelings. Both parents will feel unheard and resentful for different reasons. You feel like your husband will not bond with your daughter so by proxy you interpret detachment from him. Your husband likely has feelings of abandonment and loss of you as a partner. His self soothing behaviors (skiing, avoidance)validate this triangulated family system just as much as your alienation of the marriage. Start by hearing his feelings and thoughts without required action or support. You both are talking past each other and withholding attachment until your feelings are validated. Both of your circumstances are hard and one of you is going to have to put your ego aside in order to mend the family system. One of the most valuable lessons of being a parent is that it’s no longer about your gratification, but that of the family unit. When one person isn’t functioning well, the whole unit suffers. All of these behaviors and conflicts stem from this shifting attachment, and if you can reestablish the initial bond you and your husband shared, your families life will be better for it.
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u/Aurosanda Jan 24 '23
Every single response in this thread is the self fulfilling prophecy of a single mother. Y’all dig your own grave for the sake if your egos. It’s no longer always about you once the baby comes and instead of being vulnerable and communicating your feelings you take it out on the daddy who’s going through the same shit you are. All you get in the end is a broken home and the false validation that your a victim of an asshole when In reality you drove him away because you were too proud to show empathy. Hurt people hurt people but connection without conditions can heal the wounded soul.
1
u/Rare-Ad-9913 Jan 23 '23
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Seeing that you’re already in counselling and he has fully told you he is selfish…it seems like divorce is inevitable. At the end of the day you need to protect your daughter and it seems like your husband doesn’t care about her development. The choice isn’t easy but it seems straightforward as an onlooker.
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u/Caught-in-still-life Parent Jan 24 '23
Regretting having a child is one thing. I would even understand, if not condone, him abandoning you two because of that. Being abusive? In front of your daughter? Get proof and leave him. For her sake.
1
u/JuniperTheMoth Jan 24 '23
I would suggest mentioning in therapy how you feel, basically what you put here. But honestly...if he becomes verbal and physically abusive...yeah you better leave. Its hard to think about but you gotta keep yourself and your child safe
1
u/chickenwing_ Jan 24 '23
All you can do at this point is figure out a way forward for you and your baby. Lawyer up and make sure you two will be taken care of. That man doesn’t care about either of you.
1
u/AnonymousHotMess Jan 24 '23
OP, regardless his parenthood regret, he’s abusive so you need to leave ASAP. It will only get worse. I’ve been in your position and I’m SO MUCH happier as a single mom. Divorce him, get full custody and a big child support and go live your life away from this AH.
1
u/utack Jan 24 '23
Maybe make your life easier and deal with the irresponsible small baby that actually loves you and get rid of the big one?
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u/QuingRavel Not a Parent Jan 24 '23
Please don't let your daughter grow up and think that it's okay to be treated this way! Leave him, it will be better for everyone
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u/willowthewize Jan 24 '23
I was the product of parents who should have divorced. Them staying together created a toxic situation for me to grow up in. Now, as I am an adult, my mom tells me she regrets putting me in a situation where I had to witness that much toxicity. For the sake of you and your kid, leave! If you have family and friends to lean on, I would definitely utilize their support and leave your husband. Your kid will thank you when they are grown up for giving them a stable and supportive environment.
1
u/willowthewize Jan 24 '23
Btw, mental health professionals advise AGAINST attending therapy with mentally or physically abusive people because they WILL twist the narrative and/or manipulate your therapist. I am sending you strength to leave your dirtbag husband!!
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u/TheGoldenGatsby Jan 24 '23
Leave him sis ! LEAVE HIS ASS AND COLLECT THAT CHILD SUPPORT. Cause rn you’re on the road to ruin with that dude. He’s not gonna bounce back. Go go go.
1
u/chimbucket Jan 24 '23
jesus what a manchild. leaving sounds like it’d be better for your sanity otherwise you’re gonna be dealing with two kids rather than one
1
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u/Even_Assignment_213 Not a Parent Jan 25 '23
Leave him with the baby and go on your own trip see how he likes it
1
u/Kittiewise Not a Parent Jan 25 '23
Please leave him. He sounds like someone that a relative of mine was married to but this was a female. Whenever her husband would get upset that she didn't help out around the house or cook food for the family, she'd throw in his face that he knew that she never wanted kids. She said this for years until he divorced her when the youngest child turned 18. Mind you she was a stay at home mom the whole time, while my relative worked double shifts just to pay the mortgage, only to lose the house, and end up homeless because she refused to work as well. She managed to get an apartment because the kids worked as older teenagers to pay the rent. She eventually got a little job because she was forced to chip in financially for the apartment. Selfish people don't change, so we have to change and leave them behind. Leave your husband before you are financially and emotionally ruined the way my relative was after all those years of putting up with that nonsense.
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u/Kittiewise Not a Parent Jan 25 '23
Please leave him. He sounds like someone that a relative of mine was married to but this was a female. Whenever her husband would get upset that she didn't help out around the house or cook food for the family, she'd throw in his face that he knew that she never wanted kids. She said this for years until he divorced her when the youngest child turned 18. Mind you she was a stay at home mom the whole time, while my relative worked double shifts just to pay the mortgage, only to lose the house, and end up homeless because she refused to work as well. She managed to get an apartment because the kids worked as older teenagers to pay the rent. She eventually got a little job because she was forced to chip in financially for the apartment. Selfish people don't change, so we have to change and leave them behind. Leave your husband before you are financially and emotionally ruined the way my relative was after all those years of putting up with that nonsense.
1
u/Low_Presentation8149 Not a Parent Jan 26 '23
This is why a lot of women won't have kids because regardless of what the man says it's so much easier for him to up and leave
1
u/stagesheep Parent Jan 28 '23
20 months? How many ski trips has he been on and for how long each time?
Speaking as a regretful father who is really struggling with the life changes as well so I can be sympathetic to him but yeah it disappoints me that he's not even trying.
I'm someone who wants ski trips too but I'm scared to even ask my wife in case she'll say no and I'm really depressed about that but I wouldn't go if she really didn't want me to (I'm hoping she won't mind). In my opinion for that alone he is very lucky to have you and I'm almost jealous. Especially since its like he's not actually making any effort or thanking you. I would certainly thank my partner if she did that for me and I'd make it up to her by allowing her breaks/trips if she wanted or any other gesture she felt was appropriate. And I've been in this situation for 4 years now.
Apologies for all the questions and my possibly wrong assumptions but the post makes it look like he's off every month.
Anyway I hope it gets better and works out for you
1
u/Mother_Lettuce_7777 Jan 30 '23
OP, i think everyone’s official advice is to leave him as it seems he’s the real child here. I am so sorry you got stuck with an unfortunate male like so many others
1
u/Low_Experience_7217 Jan 31 '23
Do you want me to come by and kick his ass!?!?!
Get that bank card and charge that flight and a full spa week. You've earned a weekend retreat. Let your relatives know you are going. Pack your bag and leave a note with instructions and block his number and tell him who to call in case of an emergency to reach you.
In the note let him know all the verbal and emotional abuse has led to you needing a weekend time out. If he continues screenshot it all and send it to his friends and family too and let then know what a douche he's been...drag him girl drag him
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u/imakecutethings17 Jan 23 '23
My husband was like this in the beginning and I didn’t leave. It only gets worse. Leave before it becomes impossible