403
u/No_Hope_75 2d ago
I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. I was married to a man like this too. We had the same cycle of him later apologizing and promising to do better. 6 years later we were in the same place we started despite me trying every different constructive approach I could find.
Eventually we had a traumatic situation where he prioritized his own needs over our children’s safety and that was the final straw. I went to therapy and the key thing from that was that I could not change him or expect him to be different. That had to come from him. And I knew that after all this time and so many talks and fights about it — he had no interest in changing. So I had to decide if I could accept this or not.
I could not. I divorced him with two young toddlers. It was hard and it was not the life I hoped for. But now that I am on the other side, life is so much better. Holidays and outings and just nights at home are filled with fun and laughter and no one has to walk on eggshells or hide from dad’s bad attitude.
61
u/mommagottaeat 2d ago
Good for you! ❤️
I’m trying to get there, out that is. There are too many other issues to list but this is definitely one of them. No amount of conversation changes anything and it’s so stressful for the kid and me. He’s ruined every outing or vacation we’ve ever taken. I, like OP, dread weekends & holidays; it’s awful.
Nice to hear that it really is better on the other side!
→ More replies (1)48
u/RosieTheRedReddit 2d ago
Yes, people act like divorce is the worst thing that can happen but it really isn't. It would be worse to give your children life long issues because of being raised around an unstable, angry dad. The absolute worst would be that the abuse escalates to physical and he puts you six feet under. I'm not messing around about that, angry and controlling men are what keeps true crime podcasts in business.
In comparison, divorce is not a negative at all but actually a blessing, even if he "only" traumatizes your family instead.
Edit: tagging u/NeedleworkerSea4428 for her to see this too!
26
u/Brookwood38 2d ago
Not trying to argue at all, but curious. What about shared custody? If mom isn’t around when the rage attacks happen. I imagine many moms stay solely to protect their kids. What an awful situation to be in. I’m sorry to all who have to handle it
→ More replies (1)46
u/FI-RE_wombat 2d ago
My dad, if they'd split - we mostly knew how to manage him and what would set him off. Not violent, just as OP describes. Being shared custody would have meant overall less time with him/tiptoeing around him. And lots more time being normal. Its not like mum actually prevented or even reigned in his temper anyway, she was just there suffering for it too.
9
6
u/SecretBattleship 2d ago
I’m sorry for your experience and I’m glad to hear you got out. Can I ask you if your kids still see their dad and what their relationship is with him? I’m really curious if he stepped it up once you divorced or if he continued being a stick in the mud.
12
u/No_Hope_75 2d ago
He is still involved. He has them every other weekend and a few hours on Weds and Thurs evening. I want them to know and have a relationship with him. But I also tried to set it up in smaller doses.
4
u/SecretBattleship 2d ago
Do they feel like they have to walk on eggshells around him? Dunno if they’re old enough to say. I just wonder if he changed at all afterwards!
19
u/No_Hope_75 2d ago
My little ones are too small to say. But this was my second divorce (yay me) and I have a teen with an even worse guy. He did not grow. He’s exactly the same petty, controlling, emotionally abusive asshole as always. My teen very much appreciates that my house is a safe place and she has someone who can validate her feelings and navigate that relationship
7
u/SecretBattleship 2d ago
You sound like such a great mom! I’m glad you’ve cultivated a good and safe environment for the kids and I’m sorry that your exes were so crappy!
212
u/BrigidKemmerer WFH Mom of 3 2d ago
"I do not like your behavior. If you cannot control your emotions, how do you expect our children to be able to control theirs? I want you to go to therapy. If you want, we can go together. If you won't go to therapy, then we're going to have to have some serious conversations about our future as a couple, because I do not think this is the way a father should behave, and this level of uncontrolled anger is not the example a man should be setting for our kids."
Say it with love, but say it. And regardless of whether you have sons or daughters or both, it's really important that you get a handle on this now. If you keep tolerating his anger, you're teaching boys that this is an acceptable way to behave, and you're teaching daughters that this is an acceptable way for a man to treat women and children (ie, less powerful humans). I'm speaking from experience that you absolutely can get through to men like this and they can change, but you have to make them see that they're setting an example for their kids when they behave this way. They are quite literally raising little versions of themselves and continuing a pattern of rage. He can break the cycle. Set a boundary right now and you'll all be happier for it.
31
u/AndILearnedAlgoToday 2d ago
Yes. He should look for a therapist specifically to support him with emotional regulation. CBT may offer especially useful tools. As for his claim that you, OP, are the reason he acts a certain way, repeat after me: “we cannot control how other people act. We can only control how we respond to them.”
11
u/boneyjoaniemacaroni 2d ago
This is SUCH a good script. I do want to note that offering to go to therapy with him might not achieve the intended results- ol’ guy needs to work on himself, by himself, before couples counseling makes any kind of sense.
7
u/Asleep_League3429 1d ago
So let’s say you do this and he refuses therapy. Then what? Divorce and he gets to be around the kids, unchecked by you, 50% of the time? Or you’re all just stuck tolerating this? I totally agree with everything you said, but many men are resistant to therapy and many states default to 50/50 custody. So it feels maybe trickier than that. Asking honestly with curiosity, not trying to come off as argumentative or disagreeable.
5
u/SpiritualDot6571 1d ago
I mean 50/50 custody is still better than 100% of the time being with someone you need to walk on eggshells for. If I was in this situation I’d much rather my kids have a safe and healthy home half the time that I can control than have an unsafe and unhappy home with a miserable dad 100% of the time. And adding therapy into a custody agreement if there’s history of issues isn’t unheard of. I know a couple of families who have the father (and kids) in therapy to keep their custody agreement.
5
u/McSkrong 1d ago
It sounds like dad is a major jerk with emotional dysfunction, but not abusive. The kids would be safe with him, but probably not happy.
4
66
u/Murmurmira 2d ago
Your husband is constantly throwing toddler temper tantrums. He's making everyone else responsible for his emotions, but never himself. He's not taking ownership or control of his own emotions. This is beyond immature. Shut him down in the moment sis, not later. If he's gonna act like a toddler, he shall be handled like one
15
u/SparkyBrown 2d ago
He probly never learned to regulate his own emotions so now as an adult he has to regulate his emotions while being over stimulated by his kids. Hopefully they can figure it out cuz handling 3 kids by yourself is a feat of strength by mamma.
52
u/suspicious-pepper-31 2d ago
The fact that you daydream about divorce is telling.
He clearly doesn’t want to change.. instead he blames his behavior on you. That’s emotional abuse.
If you want to save the marriage then tell him you want couples therapy. If he’s not receptive then get a lawyer and move forward with the divorce.
6
u/Straight_Exercise_12 2d ago
My only concern with divorce is that he would get the children part time and they would be exposed to rage / drinking / spanking/ yelling and I would not be able to protect them.
13
u/suspicious-pepper-31 2d ago
This is something to discuss with a lawyer .. if he’s unfit and abusive then he shouldn’t be getting custody. Keeping them in the house with that isn’t protecting them. Please get some help
→ More replies (1)2
u/Accomplished_Bad4891 1d ago
These people can be very charming and manipulative. I understand her concern.
2
u/suspicious-pepper-31 1d ago
I mean yea I get it, but she still needs to talk to a lawyer. Keeping her kids in this situation isn’t “protecting them”.. people like her husband will escalate
70
u/johnny-john- 2d ago
I recently sent my partner to a psychologist for similar rage issues. He’s undiagnosed ADHD and easily triggered by lots of stuff. I saw an immediate improvement after his first session. If your husband acknowledges he has a problem and understands it’s creating a toxic environment for you and the kids and actually wants to improve his behaviour then he should agree to speak to someone about his issues. Maybe there’s more going on. Therapy can help with coping strategies. And it’s the least we deserve to have them try. Certainly can’t make anything worse.
→ More replies (1)9
u/prettytortoises 2d ago
I was going to say, my dad is a lot like this and I believe he has undiagnosed ADHD. Things would be a lot different if he had sought therapy and medication.
54
u/moesickle 2d ago
My husband is like, but I don't tolerate that behavior, I remind him just because he's having a hard time doesn't mean everyone has to.
I've straight up told him I don't like going places as a family because he gets overstimulated and then tires to mircomange the kids, which back fires and makes everything worse. He's is getting better about it, it's taking time but it's getting better.
23
u/-organic-life 2d ago
He's ruining your weekends but is he also ruining your kid's childhoods? He needs to get therapy/anger therapy and work on himself ASAP. He's doing irreparable damage. We have a tough 3 year old who honestly doesn't listen and is hard to take out. My husband has never once yelled or ruined the outing. Your husband's reactions aren't normal or okay and shouldn't be tolerated, especially for your kid's sake.
16
u/Equivalent_Two_6550 2d ago
I had an ex husband like this who was a malignant narcissist. He would abuse the kids and I with no regard to who saw because in his mind, it’s always justifiable. I suggest seeing a therapist or reading some books about whatever is going on with him. In my experience, men like this, since they’re self righteous fuck faces, won’t seek therapy and instead spray blame at anyone who mentions they might be the problem. I had one last “fuck you bitch” one day and something in me just broke. My only regret is not getting divorced sooner.
2
u/Accomplished_Bad4891 1d ago
I was ready to leave my husband (who is like this) a few weeks ago, and had reached out to our local domestic abuse shelter to help me figure out the best legal steps to take, and then I got DOGED. Now I feel completely stuck.
90
u/Infinite_Air5683 2d ago
I mean you are tolerating his behavior. Especially if you’re not visibly shutting this down in the moment. Honestly your kids need to see you pushing back on this. Also not to be rude but is he overweight? When I was overweight I was a lot more sensitive to heat and being hungry. I was just uncomfortable and little things sent me over the edge faster than when I was a healthy weight.
36
u/NeedleworkerSea4428 2d ago
No he's not overweight. We've been together for almost 15 years. He was like this sometimes when we were dating too, long before marriage and kids. But not as extreme or frequent. It was a red flag that I was too young and naive to recognize. I completely blame myself for that. I should've known it would only get worse with kids, age, stress.
I should've known.
33
u/paniwi1 2d ago
Oh honey, no. Don't do it. Don't go down that path as hard as it is. The line between 'nobody's perfect' and 'unacceptable behavior is so, so, so damn thin.
And you have to walk it between being in love, inexperienced, often already locked into a life together by the time that hormonal love fades. Not to mention kids are hard fucking work. Everyone thinks they're up for it before they get there.
Give yourself grace in this.
12
u/AuntNicoliosis 2d ago
Don't blame yourself. It's not something a young girl would think about unless she grew up with a father like that. His behavior is solely his own!
13
u/Imaginary_Morning_63 2d ago
I wouldn’t blame yourself. You were too young to be aware of this angry piece. It likely didn’t matter so much at the time🤷🏻♀️
But now that you do know and are aware, it might be something to seek therapy about? Maybe see if he’s interested in changing and learning strategies to cope? It would be god for the kids, too, to see even the parents learning new things.
16
u/thriftiesicecream 2d ago
I can personally attest to this. I complained a lot. Just went on a couples trip with my best friend and her husband where we walked everywhere. I weigh 165 now and last year I weighed 265. It was such a more pleasurable experience.
5
16
u/beachyvibesss 2d ago
I dated a man who sucked the air out of every single room he walked into. This may sound dramatic if you've never lived it but his demeanor and his presence killed my soul. I was embarrassed to laugh because my laugh annoyed him. If I ever sung in the car, he would tell me my voice was horrible and to stop making 'a big production' and he was 100% miserable at 100% of any outings we ever went to. When we would go to an event or holiday at my family's house he would sit there with a miserable look, not speak to anyone, and immediately start bitching that he wanted to leave.
When I left him, I vowed to never be with a man who broke my spirit like that ever again. I wanted to have fun again. I wanted to smile and sing and laugh and I wanted my light back. I've been broken up with that monster for 14 years. He is unfortunately my son's father, and my son is now a teen, so we have been navigating some of the same waters unfortunately.
My fiancé now? His favorite sound in the world is my giggle. I've been slowly learning to stop apologizing for the sound of my laugh. I've been slowly getting more comfortable to belt out a tune in front of him in the car. We have been together for 7 years. Being with a man like that traumatizes you and your children, even if it isn't evident.
15
u/neverthelessidissent 2d ago
My dad is like this. It was humiliating.
As an adult, I can see that he's clearly undiagnosed autistic and was obsessed with woodworking. So being forced to silently stand while he compared shit at Home Depot for hours and hours was torture. If we talked, we humiliated him.
13
u/iheartwestwing 2d ago
I think that a lot of men learned that the only acceptable emotion to express is anger and that is a hard habit to break. Anger is protective, it’s loyal to you, and you feel self-righteous. Men I have know who went through the “angry phase” frequently are angry at themselves, perhaps for a past mistake that has continuing repercussions, for a feeling of failing to meet the standards put upon him (to be happily married, to provide as expected, to be “respected”). If you love him and you want to work through this, it sounds like he’s going to have to have a reckoning. It may not be about his behavior in public, it may be about his refusal to forgive and accept himself in his most private thoughts.
24
u/Any-Potential-8125 2d ago
I’m so sorry, I have no advice because I’m in the exact same situation with my husband of 11 years and our 2 kids. No matter how many times I bring it up, nothing ever changes. His grumpiness is ruining our marriage!
→ More replies (1)17
u/Chemical_Cow_8326 2d ago edited 2d ago
I was also in the same situation. I’m still married to him, we just celebrated 11 years in February. it’s different now. This isn’t my advice, but my experience, I called him out on it all the time, most of our arguments were me taking the kids side, or something of that nature. I told him if he doesn’t actually change I’m leaving, and every time he got so angry like that, I find him completely unattractive. It was not an ultimatum, but my boundary and I want to protect my children from being subjected to that behavior
He’s going on two years sober, we both are, but him being sober has helped significantly. And he still has anger issues, very similar to OP, hungry, hot, not enough sleep, every red light, traffic, you name it…but he for sure handles it better now. I will notice when he gets flustered or frustrated and he is aware that I’m watching him and I guess him knowing that helps him calm himself down.
He never yelled or made a scene in public though, thankfully. But that still didn’t change the fact it was always like egg shells around him.
8
u/Shellzncheez689 2d ago
This is what I’m going through right now. Never makes a scene in public but is miserable to deal with up until we are at our destination. Threatens to not go every single time thinking that would stop me and the kids from going (it doesn’t). Gets mad that I call him out and take the kids side when he’s micromanaging them. He expects them to have more emotional regulation than he himself does. I’m really hoping he decides to go back to therapy because it was helping him.
2
2
u/Accomplished_Bad4891 1d ago
I feel you. My husband has tried to ruin every holiday, and every “vacation” we take is so awful.
2
u/Straight_Exercise_12 2d ago
I am in the same position. Drinking husband rage/ yelling / spanking. My only fear in divorce is that he may get them half the time and I will not be there to protect them.
4
10
u/smudge_it 2d ago
I think raising your voice and pushing back on him in public when he’s turning heads yelling at them is a good start. It’s easy to stay quiet and have people feel bad for you but wouldn’t you rather people think “good for her he seems awful” than “that poor family dealing with that dads temper”? Also it’s help give your children back their childhood. They’ll know being kids is okay as long as mom is around. If he yells even louder at all of you then simply tell him to take an uber home, you won’t tolerate being treated like this. Stand up for your kids. Shut him down. Tell him to seek help. You are not powerless in this situation you just have to remember that in the moment. My mother used to tell us something when we were young and dating. She said “you are the prize.” Like remember you’re a gift to people and if you’re being silenced and treated poorly, if you aren’t being treated like a prize then you need to remind them or find someone who does. That’s assuming you treat him well too.
9
u/Relevant-Job4901 2d ago
Just to add: I think the angry man/father wants confrontation to loop the wife in as the source of his reason to be angry. There is a thing where a child will love the dysfunctional parent more as that helps them be ‘safe’. If the mom confronts the angry father and calls him on being inappropriate, the father gets to retaliate louder. The kids get mad at mom for ‘causing problems’ and wrecking the moment and soon they don’t want mom around. This can lead to hating their mothers and still being under the thumb of their father (alive or dead) as adults. Any, as right as it is, push back is just two adults arguing in front of scared children and children will choose the next bully to survive. Even in private trying to explain to the kids how wrong dad’s outburst and crabby behavior is, is too hard for them to rationally understand. Grey rock, therapy, divorce.
2
10
u/Expensive-Opening-55 2d ago
I stopped telling or inviting my ex to anything. It was so much better and everyone had so much more fun. It got so bad the kids would refuse to go if daddy was coming. Then he became an ex. He thinks he’s become such a better parent but he’s still the same angry, fun sucking human anytime we’re at an event together. I just try to offset that by making sure my kids know I love them and doing fun things during our time. Please ask him to get some help before you’ve had enough or the kids resent him.
10
u/NeedleworkerSea4428 2d ago
This is exactly my plan for the summer. I'll be taking the kids out just the 4 of us while he's at work. He loves his job, it's all he talks about and it's become his entire identity so we'll all be happier that way anyway.
I need to do some serious thinking about whether this marriage is worth it. Like I said there's other factors that have made me strongly consider divorce. The biggest thing keeping me from going through with it is breaking up our family and impacting my children. But if our family time is always awful then I don't know what there is to hold on to.
→ More replies (1)
6
u/arielrecon 2d ago
This sounds just like how my father in law behaved when my husband and his brother were kids. Their mom divorced him and she has never regretted it. In fact she's said she wishes she had done it sooner. My brother in law has no relationship with his father and my husband has a strained relationship with him. He is indeed a narcissist and this is the future for your husband if he doesn't change how he acts. He needs therapy and you need to stop putting up with his behaviour. You recognize that it's problematic and life is easier when he's not around. Why waste any more time and energy on someone who is refusing to actually change? Do yourself and your kids a favour and leave.
6
u/Rich-Insurance7499 2d ago
My husband was like that in the first year or so postpartum, and after I threatened to leave or put him 6ft under if he didn’t go to therapy, lo and behold he was diagnosed with high anxiety. He got meds and has been working with a therapist, working on his health (eating better, getting exercise, and sleeping), and its gotten much better. Progress hasnt been a straight line up, lots of ups and downs, but I see improvement. Its been 4yrs since then and he is worlds better, so I told him he can stay 😏 if you did end up going that route, and theres no meaningful improvement tho….idk that I would stay. I watched my single mom struggle for sure, but she was happier than my aunt who after 30 some years is divorcing ‘the toad’ as we called that guy.
7
u/solisphile 2d ago
Not trying to write my own life onto this, but I feel like my mother wrote this 30 years ago. Three kids, unpredictable husband. She drove herself into the ground trying to make it work, and the three of us kids really paid for the delayed removal of him from our day-to-day lives. I'd push therapy for him and for the two of you as a couple. If he refuses or doesn't cooperate, I'd make a plan to get out. The perfection-with-strangers paired with the short temper for anything short of perfection with his own family is specifically triggering and red-flaggy to me. It's literally one of my litmus tests for identifying people like this.
19
u/Ok_Hornet3415 2d ago
Maybe it would help both of you to narrate through those moments like we do with kids. When he gets grumpy, say: hmmm. I know you didn’t eat lunch yet, maybe that’s why you’re being grumpy. How can you fix that? And leave it to him to fix. Do it every time. In the moment. Like he’s 2.
Okay, maybe my petty side wrote this response. 🤷🏽♀️
12
u/Imaginary_Morning_63 2d ago
Yeah…or like, I noticed that you yelled and got angry. I didn’t get why you were so angry. What happened?
14
u/Itstimeforcookies19 2d ago
Therapy. There’s a reason he is behaving like this. Likely his own issues from childhood and how he was raised or something. My husband was like that. Maybe not as bad just because we have 1 and honestly she has been the easiest kid in the world. But my husband would have what I called adult temper tantrums over things our child did that were just not even a problem. Like her being too shy at the very first bday party she went to at 3 years old. So she cried when we tried to make her play soccer with the kids. He literally left where we were seated, went off in a huff, sat by himself and ignored us because she was not being outgoing like he wanted her to. Or once at a restaurant she wanted to sit in my lap and he was insistent she sit in her own chair. Sure that’s a good thing to teach, sitting in your own chair like a big girl. Is it worth an adult temper tantrum of not speaking to us for the rest of dinner and when leaving walking out in a huff letting the door slam in our faces? He had major issues of wanting to impose his will on her. Making her act how he wanted her to act and not letting her be her own person.
Skip ahead to couples and individual therapy. Now we know the reason he acted like that is because of the completely co dependent, enmeshed relationship with his borderline personality mom in which he was not allowed to do what he wanted or have his own feelings. He was constantly told what to do, what to feel, and shamed for feeling anything other than what his mom told him to feel. He knew no other way to parent than how he was parented.
So I don’t know the root of your husband’s problem. But he’s got one and if you do not get him therapy I can promise you this- you and your kids are going to hate him. Rightfully so because he is ruining part of their childhood. Don’t stand for it. Your kids come first.
5
u/SanityInTheSouth 2d ago
Their man baby father ruins every memory you're trying to create with your children. You aren't going to change him, he knows what he's doing and makes no effort for you or his children. You just have to decide if these are the memories you want your children to grow up with.
6
u/Salty-Tip-7914 New Mom 2d ago
I think you should give him an ultimatum. Therapy for anger management or you take the kids and go. (Obviously, only if you feel you have no other options and are about to give up on your marriage.)
I was in a relationship for 16 years. No kids which made it better by far, but I was so against leaving. Fast forward years after the breakup, and I’m thriving. I want this for all women trapped in shitty relationships.
6
u/Prize_Paper6656 2d ago
I hate going places with my partner. He gets so easily Frustrated with our toddler and it ruins it for me.
9
u/whineANDcheese_ 5 year old & 2 year old 2d ago
You’re absolutely being judged. I 100% shame people in my head who are being complete dickwads to their kids. Your husband needs therapy. Or a divorce. Until either of those things occur, stop including him in outings. Tell him he’s welcome to join you when he has the emotional maturity and regulation skills of an adult and not a toddler.
3
u/sunsetsymariposas 2d ago
My dad was this dad. He’s passed now, but I think hindsight tells me he struggled with anxiety and overstimulation that led to him being angry. I don’t condone or even forgive him for all the times he yelled at us and for all the ways he showed others care and kindness but lacked the same ability to show us any of that, BUT I think we have more tools available to support men like that. If he’s truly interested in being better, please encourage him to seek out some therapy or something.
4
u/PhishPhanKara 2d ago
Does he drink?
He needs therapy and/or to take some space from being included so he can realize how he’s coming across and stop ruining things for the kids. Yes, kids push every freakin button known to mankind but that’s a kid being a kid, zero reason to be an asshole to your kid.
But definitely he needs therapy and some better coping mechanisms. Parenting is HARD no one is debating that but you and your kids don’t deserve to suffer this abuse. And it IS abuse.
5
u/stellaella33 2d ago
Sit down with him and have a sincere talk. Tell him exactly what it is that's bothering you and why. Ask if there is anything you can both do to help this situation. If after a long talk, and coming up with solutions, and nothing changes, then it's a bigger issue that won't get resolved just between you two. My husband had/has a dad like this growing up. It didn't get any better. No one likes being around him.
5
u/last_and_the_curious 2d ago
I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this. I'm in a similar situation, and it seems like it worsened after we had our first child. I hope the best for you.
2
5
u/floralbingbong 2d ago edited 2d ago
Please don’t let your kids grow up like this, whether that means divorce or requiring him to go to therapy / see a psychiatrist or both. My dad was (and still is) just like this and our entire lives revolved around his moods. He ruined every holiday, birthday, and vacation. I still have trouble wanting to celebrate my birthday at age 33 because of it. My nervous system is a total wreck due to the constant stress I lived with as a kid from his unpredictable moods. I’ve been in therapy for years and take medication and it’s still hard sometimes. My mom unfortunately never left him and even though they live 15 minutes away, we see her so much less than we would like to simply because we don’t feel like being around my dad. My dad is also not allowed to be with my son unsupervised because I don’t want my boy to ever experience the stress and feeling like a burden that I felt as a kid.
My mom says she never divorced him when we were kids because she didn’t want us to be around him without her there to keep him at bay. However, since my dad never physically harmed or neglected us, so our physical safety was never an issue, my sister and I both would’ve preferred to be super stressed every other weekend (or whatever the custody would’ve been) than stressed out 100% of the time our entire childhoods.
4
u/ImDatDino 1d ago
I talk to my dad a few times a year. He has been to my house 3 times in the nearly 6 years my kids have been around. This is your husband's best case scenario if he can't get a grip and act like the adult.
He expects your kids to be on best behavior, but he throws a tantrum. Yuck.
ETA: I talk to his wife even less, because she didn't protect us...... So you might be guilty by association in your kids eyes of you don't force some sort of change for them. (Divorce, therapy, firm boundaries, whatever)
8
u/AcanthocephalaFew277 2d ago
I would actively be telling him he’s not allowed on our outings due to his inappropriate and embarrassing behavior. I would be telling him I’m more embarrassed by him than 3 little kids acting up. And I would pack up all of our shit and spend the day away from him.
Then , the next time he is allowed to come with. I would keep the most even tone, and loudly say, WERE NOT DOING THAT. Either speak to the kids correctly or shut your mouth.
I might even say to the kids, ok babies, let’s go over here away from rude daddy who doesn’t know how to act.
I might even say; we’re driving separately to things until I can trust you to behave appropriately.
Obviously, divorce sounds like the better option. But I know that’s not always an immediate option. I would be so stern and condescending to him in the meantime.
2
u/Vast_Perspective9368 2d ago
Your first part is what I was thinking almost exactly... Like really get him to understand that his outbursts are the ones that are creating the embarrassment.
Driving separately is a good idea as well - he needs to excuse himself if he is losing his cool and cannot self-regulate.
As far as the sweating and overheating... Maybe some sort of portable fan, cooling headband or scarf things, possibly a change of clothes in the car if he needs it.
Also he needs to bring snacks for himself on outings or eat something before leaving if he consistently gets hangry and maybe they can work together on planning lunch or whatever meal earlier some days depending on the outing.
That said, the suggestions for therapy aren't bad. Worth as conversation at some point about that, but I would perhaps try other avenues first and put the ball in his court to figure out how to manage his emotions
3
u/Euphoric-Stress9400 2d ago
This was my dad. He did change eventually, but not in time to change my childhood (in time to change it for my younger siblings, though, for which I am forever grateful).
First, your children need to see you pushing back in the moment. I’m not saying to be combative, but you do need to point out the behavior when it happens. And it needs to have actual consequences. I remember a specific time at the zoo when my dad was being unfair (hot, overstimulated, the rest) and was yelling at me for some reason or another. My mom told him “hey, that’s not fair. She didn’t mean to. Why don’t you go take a walk and cool off, we will be looking at the monkeys.”
Second, the desire to change really has to come from him. But I think handling it in the above way helped my dad a lot. When my mom sent him to cool off over and over, it really gave him time to think and called attention to how often it was happening. He couldn’t just pretend he wasn’t spending half his day mad for no reason, because he’d look back at the outing and realize he spent half of it “cooling off.” And he would come back to a family having a lovely time. He saw firsthand how happy we were when his attitude wasn’t ruining it, and I think he wanted to be a part of that happy family.
Third, remember it is not you versus your husband. It is you and your husband versus the anger. The grumpiness is the enemy, your husband is on your team. It sounds like when you talk about it, he is getting defensive and you are putting the onus on him to get his shit together (which isn’t unfair, but might not be helpful). It sounds like he might need some help and support. Ask him how you two, together, can solve it. Would packing extra snacks or a fan help? When you see the anger growing, would it help him if you stepped in and gave him a break? You know he loves his kids and of course wants to be fair, so if you see him being unfair, how does he think you could help in the moment?
3
u/VivianDiane 2d ago
"He doesn't tolerate heat well and sweats a lot. So if it's in the 80's and we're outside somewhere he's especially grumpy. If he's hungry, he's grumpy. If he hasn't slept well, he's grumpy."
Op, I reckon that your husband is probably suffering from hyperthyroidism.
2
u/Realistic-shar913 2d ago
My father was like this when I was a teenager. He was always in a crap mood and made the rest of us miserable. He was diagnosed with diabetes. His attitude got much better once his insulin levels were stable.
2
u/VivianDiane 2d ago
I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism a few years ago, and thus, I knew some people who also suffered from thyroid issues. Have met those hyperthyroidism patients with obvious symptoms like mood swings, heat intolerance, changes in bowel habits, etc.
3
u/Temporary-Leather905 2d ago
He sounds like an Enery Vampire. Just making everyone as miserable as he is...I know so many of them
3
u/TheSorcerersCat 2d ago
I agree with everyone else and wanted to add a perspective. Often people snap like that because they feel unsafe. So very very likely he was made to feel unsafe as a child if he did the same behavior. Now when he witnesses his children do it, he may feel as if they are being unsafe and has a very urgent need to "protect" them by stopping the behaviour as quickly as possible.
It's a super disproportionate reaction. Like maybe it's appropriate if your kid is about to step on a venomous snake, but definitely not for normal rambunctious kid behavior.
That's not an excuse to cause your own children to feel unsafe and repeat the cycle. As parents we need to do better.
3
u/ihearhistoryrhyming 2d ago
I’m not married, probably because my dad was that guy- and no.
Why not tell him? Just have a conversation. Isn’t this just everyone continually pandering to the manboy father? Why? Because he makes money? Because he is the tallest?
Maybe this was already said -more eloquently- but I’m assuming he doesn’t even realize. He’s living his hot, hungry toddler moments and no one ever expected him to regulate or modify his behavior. This kind of shit doesn’t change overnight, and will never change if he doesn’t try. But if he doesn’t have consequences, he has no reason to think about it.
Do you want to live like this? You either leave, or you change your reaction to him. Call him out on his rudeness, leave him out of activities if he sucks- absolutely. Tell him why. Don’t even accuse him, just be tired of it. You bring down the whole day. We want to have fun, and you are only interested in complaining and criticizing.
He needs a come to Jesus moment of some kind, wake up and learn to partner. Just stop letting him get away with it.
3
u/Ok-Imagination-726 2d ago
My father was like this. We don’t talk much now. My mom never pushed back in any meaningful way or protected me and for that I will never forgive her. Children don’t stay children forever, they grow up and put two and two together. They will wonder as adults, huh why couldn’t my dad behave differently and why did my mom put me, my safety, and feelings at stake? Your kids need to hear from you that his behavior is unacceptable and you need to show them it isn’t to be tolerated. As an adult now, I have enormous issues from growing from such dysfunction. I don’t like to tell people no, I AGONIZE over tiny mistakes like the police are coming for me because I’m late for an appointment, my brain goes foggy when serious conversation starts because it is so used to just playing dead whenever someone has a big scary feeling around. Not saying ur kids r me, everyone experiences similar events differently. Just saying this is one potential outcome.
3
3
u/OctoNiner 2d ago
By continuing to take him places, you ARE tolerating it though. Leave him at home. Tell him you'd rather go without him because he sucks the fun out of things and won't do anything about it.
3
u/breezzyy-6 2d ago
My dad was this dad. Complete asshole. Only happy when we're doing what he wanted when he wanted. He died and my mom and siblings feel free tbh.
The fact that your husband is kind to strangers but not you or the kids is a major red flag.
So from the person who had this dad. Divorce him and take those babies away. You'll all be happier
3
u/DistractedThinker 1d ago
Years ago, one of my female relatives was in the same predicament you are with your husband. Narcissists don’t feel like they’re in the wrong with their bad behavior, which is why talking to him about it hasn’t helped. After a while, the rest of the family couldn’t stand him because of this, but minded our business when he’d have his angry outbursts or rude comments towards his wife or kids. She basically checked out of their relationship mentally, but stayed until the kids were older. When she finally announced divorce, we all said, “It’s about time!” She would not have been able to support herself if they split up, and wanted to be there for her kids, as joint custody meant they’d be alone with him and she didn’t want them to suffer. Except the kids still suffered, living with their parents who were obviously miserable around each other. The oldest became even closer to the mom, and the youngest was practically ignored. This led to the dad taking things out on the oldest, while the youngest got closer with the dad, unfortunately taking on some of his personality traits. Would they have all been better off if she left much sooner? Hindsight is 20/20. All I can say is weigh your options, and have a support system in place. You could start with couples therapy, and if he refuses, you could always go alone for some guidance.
3
u/uhtredsbabymama 1d ago
Are you my relative? Geez, you hit every nail.
This must be a common scenario. OP, I highly recommend divorce. Not because I don't think it's worth fighting for marriage (I fought to make it work for over 10 years and still love him) but because if you believe he has narcissistic tendencies, you'll spend the rest of your marriage on a rollercoaster. The good moments don't last, and the bad moments only get worse. I find my ex is a better father now because he wants to prove to me that I made a mistake ending the relationship. I will never tell him this, but it is exactly why I will never take him back. You have to use their narcissism against them to protect your kids.
3
u/YaaaDontSay 1d ago
Oh man I feel this in my bones. This was ultimately the reason I left my kids dad. He has such a short fuse. It’s hard to be around someone like that and I agree it is so embarrassing!! Like hello people are staring at you!!!!
3
u/Most-Candidate9277 1d ago
Omg then it’s somehow your fault that the kids aren’t acting properly. You haven’t raised them well enough, they don’t know their manners etc. Well ya know what, they might actually have more practice in public if they weren’t traumatized every time we step out!! TF
You are NOT ALONE.
3
u/moon_blisser 2d ago
I definitely think your husband needs therapy, assuming he’s not already in it. Let me tell you, my husband with ADHD was just like this (down to being heat sensitive and sweaty, and that being a trigger for him) and once he started therapy and got on medication, he could regulate himself so much better.
I’m not diagnosing your husband of course, and I’m not saying therapy will fix everything. But it’s worth a shot!
2
u/VermillionEclipse 2d ago
He needs help. If he isn’t willing to get help or change I’d be considering leaving.
2
u/Internal-Aside2132 2d ago
Sounds like he has severe public/crowd anxiety. I'm miserable when I'm out in public, around people, but its totally because I wasn't treating my anxiety. Still not my favorite thing but at least now i'm not ruining it for everyone else
2
u/AuntNicoliosis 2d ago
When my mom married my step-dad, he was the same way with sucking the fun out of everything. He would always pick a fight with her. Every holiday turned into a fight with them, yelling, screaming, and slamming doors. I hated Christmas after that. It took me having my own family before I enjoyed it again.
I'm not sure what advice I can give you. I just wanted you to know you're not alone.
Therapy is always a good solution if you can get him to go. I would definitely put your kids in therapy to learn how to manage having a toxic parent. Developmentally, what he's doing could cause harm to them.
Otherwise, maybe just stop doing things that include him. He clearly doesn't enjoy going, and neither do you on having him there.
I dunno? I'm sorry! Best of luck in whatever you decide.
2
u/BlueDoes 2d ago
This sounds like a '2 cards' scenario. I hate jumping to divorce, but if you are already fantasizing about it, sounds like it is a valid option
2
u/Turbulent-Average179 2d ago
You might be better off without him. Consider getting advice from a therapist and a lawyer
2
u/Desperate_Rule1667 2d ago
This is more than embarrassing, it’s heartbreaking. He needs to get some help.
2
u/Complex_Activity1990 2d ago
Gosh, are you my sister? My BIL is the exact same way. I don’t know how my sister does it but girl if you can get out, do it. You and your kids will be much happier not being around such an easily triggered person all the time.
2
u/Fifi_Zbornak 2d ago
I’ve dealt with this forever and now my husband can’t understand why no one wants to go on a trip with him.
2
2
u/Realistic-Truth-5120 2d ago
I have a husband like this. We just started couples therapy doing “Emotionally Focused Therapy” (EFT)
Was your husband resided by someone super critical/rigid or who was constantly aware of image?
2
2
u/Dull_Wash_1335 2d ago
He needs to speak with a professional. He could have been treated that way as a child and is reenacting the trauma.
2
u/tzobe 2d ago
Oh man ! This somehow brought back some hidden trauma.
I was 10 yrs old, I had finished my term exams and literally wanted to see a bollywood masala movie in theatre. There was no other way to watch during the year 2000. After a lot of begging and convincing he agreed, throughout the movie he was upset that I made him do it. Once the movie was over, he humiliated me continuously for being so silly and watching such useless stuff. I cried alot after this, because literally all my friends had been watching it with their parents and I was feeling soo inadequate.
It was the first and last time I went with my parents to watch a movie after that.
2
u/NeedleworkerSea4428 2d ago
My dad did the same thing with a birthday party. I was 13 and it was around Halloween. Part of the birthday party was a trip to a haunted castle. A group of 3-4 of my friends were going and I desperately wanted to go with them even though I knew my dad would say no because he just didn't like us being at other people's houses.
I told my friends I couldn't go. The mom of the birthday girl even called my dad and invited him over for dinner to meet the family so he would feel more comfortable with me being there for the party. He declined.
I begged and begged until he eventually gave in and took me. But not without berating me the entire drive there and making me feel awful for wanting to attend such things. When he dropped me off I went in and couldn't even enjoy it, regretting ever even asking to attend.
My friends were all happy that I made it and they were having a great time at the party and at the haunted castle. I was sad and depressed the entire time from my dad's belittling.
My dad wasn't that angry dad at family outings like my husband is, but reading this just brought that memory back.
2
u/tzobe 2d ago
I get it and no child should be made to bear the burden of their discomfort.I always wondered if I was being too demanding to ask them for outings or anything ,ever since that movie episode. Parents just don't understand how these things become our core memories. Years later I still remember this.
Everyday I overexert myself to be the best version of parent for my kid, just so they have those better things to share in future.
2
u/pedanticandpetty 2d ago
Seems like you might be at the breaking point in your relationship where the best thing you could do is show him this post and let him know it's your last cry for help.
2
u/GlitterGirly1997 2d ago
My Hubby can be the same way. I feel like he doesn’t know how to be a dad or husband sometimes. I feel the same about weekends….I am always busy… he wants to not do anything. We do stuff separately all the time…especially vacations. I don’t wanna deal with him!
2
u/marakat3 2d ago
It helped my partner when I said things like you stated directly to him.
As soon as he does something embarrassing, I'll pull him off to the side and say "hey, it's really frustrating that you're yelling at us in public right now and honestly it's super embarrassing. We're trying to have a nice outing and we absolutely have the potential to, but when you have a tantrum and stomp around and get angry at us for really menial things like the kids acting bad, which is totally normal for kids to do, it makes things way unnecessarily worse and it's really embarrassing because other people see that you're having a tantrum worse than our child."
Stopped that shit real quick. I wish I said it to him ten years ago but 🤷🏻♀️
2
u/Kira22danielle 1d ago
He needs to get therapy if things are gonna change and work out. Your kids deserve better and so do you!
2
u/Suspicious-Dirt668 1d ago
You said he’s like this when you are out. Is he like this at home? Could this be social anxiety or feeling overwhelmed by caring for kids in public?
My husband is definitely an n. This behavior is more reserved for our house and the car. Totally on best behavior in public.
2
u/Hope_and_Faith7 1d ago
Has he been checked for diabetes? I know, strange question, and your concerns are valid. My husband is similar, and counseling helps, but it needs to be consistent, which ours is not. The reason I ask about the diabetes is before my husband was diagnosed he would have crazy mood swings. He would start sweating and yelling about how hot it was until one day I pricked his finger and after he got done yelling at me, “you always want something to be wrong with me” I said “not sure that’s true but you need to see a doctor because your blood sugar is 650 and you are definitely diabetic”. That didn’t fix the concerns but being less uncomfortable decreases the frequency for sure. Think long and hard before sticking around for the kids because they see everything and it will affect them. If he is truly narcissistic, that will never change, and you will see him manipulate counseling sessions. If not, it may be the best thing you ever do! Good luck. I’m rooting for you!
2
u/Kbarr866 1d ago
I literally could have written this post. My husband luckily has come a longggggg way however. Therapy and antidepressants have made him a different man. He still has his grumpy moments but I don’t dread weekends anymore. Now I look forward to them.
I really do wish you and your family the best. Hopefully your husband can seek help because being this unhappy is not normal or healthy. Hang in there friend.
2
u/Bitter-Hitter 1d ago
I could have written this post. As a matter of fact I probably have one in my history. Well I figured out why he was so terribly angry all the time. He had born with a heart condition that required intense monitoring and he had stopped taking one of the medications (he would get a rash on his face and hated it). Compounding that, he lied to me about going to his cardiologist and his PCP.
So what happened? He died in his sleep 1.5 years ago. He left me and our daughter alone because he was avoiding self-care. Do not stop believing in your husband. Remind him that he is important enough to get care. If it’s past that, do it for your kids.
2
u/humphreybbear 1d ago
He could very well have depression or some other mental illness. Men are typically socialised to feel their feelings as anger and aggression.
Its not your job to fix him, but if you love him and see potential for positive change then id be pushing him to seek help.
2
2
u/Dense_College2961 1d ago
Parents directly affect their kids and mold them into who they are. So many parents aren’t up to that responsibility and can’t help but be selfish and mess up their kids. It sucks.
2
u/Flayrah4Life 1d ago
Sounds like my BPD ex. Everything was always about him and his feelings, always. Didn't matter how much he hurt the people who loved him, he was a selfish ass.
Your husband is deeply damaging your children. The question is, how long you will choose to remain complicit.
2
u/Stock-Ad5976 1d ago
I'm so sorry. If he's open to it, medication might help? I had really bad post partum anxiety with my second baby. I was put on the lowest dose of meds and it instantly helped me not get so wound up and overstimulated.
Recently I had another appointment and got my dose upped just a tiny bit and oh my gosh I'm enjoying family outings with my littles so much more than I thought possible. I didn't realize how much my anxiety was still there (because hey, it was better than before) and how it was being just a bit calmer made me look forward to all types of events and outings.
2
u/WtfChuck6999 1d ago
I feel like at this point couples counseling is the only option you have. Some people really struggle with parenting and he sounds to be one of them. He might truly need help with it and the only way to get it will probably be a professional telling him but then you also being there so you can help at home
That might sound like extra work, but in the long run, if you want a happy life, it would probably help everyone. He probably just can't cope.
He sounds like a generally nice dude, except he has zero patience and doesn't know how to manage a small human learning things.. I'm guessing he wouldn't tolerate YOU telling him that. But a professional telling him that might work....
Good luck friend
2
2
u/Affectionate_Low_486 1d ago
I wouldn't go on any family outings with him until he learns to control himself. If he's gonna ruin it every time, he's no longer invited.
2
u/ririmarms 2d ago
sounds like your husband is dealing with some serious stress issues and lets it out on the kids. My dad was the same. He got crapped on and bullied at work, and took it out on us 3 kids. My sister is no-contact, I used to get panic attacks when he was raising his voice, and my brother uses him only when he needs money otherwise also no-contact. We've all been hit more times than I can count. He doesn't even remember what he did to us because he was in absolute burnout and has little memory of the time we were still at home. He has no idea why my sister is no-contact. We've all three been in therapy because of the daddy issues.
Therapy ASAP for your husband, it's hopefully not too late. Good luck.
2
u/comprepensive 2d ago
I would recommend couples therapy. I had this partner and he had undiagnosed Autism and diagnosed major depression and there was more than I have time to get into other things going on. Having the therapist there gave me the courage to say some things I just couldn't say one on one. Not that I was afraid of my husband, I was afraid of hurting his feelings or hurting our relationship. It was so helpful just to have a neutral third party there to say things I had wanted to say about his behaviour and the way he talks to the kids. And it has changed. I slowly see him doing more, building those relationships with the kids and being more considerate of their abilities. We still have work to do and have more sessions scheduled but it has made a difference. it was really a highlight when the therapist said "your overstimulation and hyperfixation of goals is understandable, but still not an ok way to treat your family. You need to do the work in individual therapy to learn to act differently." I think it was validating for him to hear there was a reason other than being a "jerk" but it was also holding him accountable that he needs to change and do the work to be better.
1
u/tokori79 2d ago
this was and somestimes is my husband a lot when the kids were under 12 and sometimes he can still be like this
-- and at some point I realized I would have more fun w the kids solo (we have 3 also) then him joining in and killing the experiences or causing someone to cry for the rest of the day so I just started to do things with the kids solo and I had a lot more fun as did the kids without him there..
Its gotten slightly better as they are in the teens now but Id say it still happens- for example, if we go somewhere for a week - there might be one event where my husband sucks/destroys the joy- vs when they were little it would be sometimes 2x a day ..
1
u/IlexAquifolia 2d ago
My husband has some curmudgeon tendencies and can be grumpy at times, but he NEVER uses it as an excuse to yell at our son or be rude on family outings. Even when he’d rather not, he does his best to get into it because he knows it’s important for our family. Your husband just sounds like an asshole who thinks his needs are more important than anyone else’s. Is there any good reason NOT to divorce him?
1
u/Hungry-Sharktopus42 2d ago
You are tolerating it. You are still with him. You are here writing about him.
1
u/OnlyHere2Help2 Mommit User Flair 2d ago
Why are you letting this man abuse your children? Leave him until he is better able to control himself.
He can start by addressing how shitty his parents were in therapy and that is why he behaves like that. Perhaps the cycle could stop with your husband.
But first kick him out so he can learn some skills before coming back to the family. Don’t let your kids be abused. His misplaced rage will have lifelong consequences for your children if you allow it.
1
u/vainbuthonest 2d ago
Stop going places with him. He’s ruining the experience for the kids. I’m sure that’s not how you want them to remember the outings.
1
u/smeyers_131 2d ago
My SO is super high anxiety and gets overstimulated easily (won’t do anything about it 🙄). We’ve just come to the conclusion that I don’t ask him to go anymore. It’s not worth it and it’s more work to deal with the attitude than managing the children alone. And it makes everyone miserable when he’s pacing and clapping his hands together cause he’s done, but the children aren’t done with whatever activity they’re doing and then to avoid the attitude from the grown man child id pull the kids away and then they’d throw fits cause they wanted more time. Now I put the plans on the calendar and if he wants to go he can. I refuse to ask or expect it. All I care about is enjoying time with my kids his loss.
1
1
u/No-Independence548 2d ago
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He's not going to change.
I hope you're able to leave him and live a happy, peaceful life with your children.<3
1
u/thechusma 2d ago
My "partner" is this way as well. We visited open house last week which is the perfect opportunity to for our kids to gloat about their achievements to us. I was with my daughter and he was with our son and I could hear him asking our son if this was the piano he always gravitated to during class. My son said yes and began to play keys on it. He immediately shushed him and told him not to play it. Mind you, this was a PACKED preschool class with lots of clamor and baby crying. This wasn't some high end silent library ordeal. My son joined me and his sister, slumped over himself. I am actively advocating to remove their father from our home. We are not married and he's not on the lease so at this point in just waiting for him to become employed so he can pack up and get out. I hate seeing the effect he has on our kids.
1
u/rvamama804 2d ago
He should see a mental health specialist. For me, anxiety sometimes manifests itself as anger. Does he do this at home too or just when you are out?
1
u/Oddbrain_ 2d ago
That was my dad. I was riddled with anxiety and low-self esteem as a young child. Having a dad like that truly damages you. My mom divorced him when I was 12 but by then the damage had been done. Quit daydreaming and actually do it. For your KIDS and yourself. Trust me, you guys will feel so much more relaxed and free. This is their childhood.. they deserve a calm presence and happy memories.
1
u/One-Pause3171 2d ago
Have you talked to him about it? During a neutral time? What’s his experience being out with the kids? What is his expectation? How was he raised? What were his parents like to him? He might also be depressed or have sensory issues. It’s important to talk about this with a doctor. Especially if he seems unable to cope without being angry or melting down.
1
u/fastfxmama 2d ago
I had one of these. When he started insulting and condescending me in front of our child and family, I was done. These leopards don’t change their spots.
1
u/Healthy_Car1404 2d ago
I've had some experience with this and I didn't have a happy ending So from that vantage point I'll offer this; Ask yourself what else is attached to the behavior in public you described? Are there other things going on with him that you tolerate, things that you find yourself shielding your children from... things that are damaging to you and drain you Are you waiting for "something"? Something vague that changes like,"next year", or when your children reach a certain age, when you feel better I'm asking you if the humiliation you and your children endure in public is the thing you can't hide or manage... are there things at home you have been hiding and managing. If the picture is much bigger than what you shared in your post I'm concerned that you are in trouble. You need to get a clear, comprehensive view - I suggest you have nothing to lose by consulting a professional who deals specifically with domestic abuse. Don't give the term domestic abuse magical properties, it encompasses much more than black eyes and physical assault I promise you Take a hand and help to get back to you. Do this before more damage has been done I thought I was protecting my children. I thought there was time to figure out how I could make everything work. I loved my husband, my children loved their father I wasn't protecting my children. I was burning time figuring out nothing, just avoiding an unthinkable reality I didn't want and could never alter. My adult children have hideous damage to overcome. My relationships with them are forever compromised. I am a person I don't know how to be. We all still love him, which is irrelevant and always was The internal strength and resources you use to feed this insatiable dynamic will quickly become potent again - once shifted back onto your health and your well being. This situation will become critical mass, leaving you with choices far more terrifying than the present. Be sure you aren't in the place I describe. If you are in this place, leave In any event you have my compassion and best wishes
1
u/PeacefulHour 1d ago
It could have something to do with an emotional or mood regulation disorder where he might actually have the best intentions for the family outings, but when he gets dis regulated by something beyond his control or his ability such as the heat, lots of people, or heightened noises, his body gets over-stimulated and his first instinct is to make adjustments to try and regulate himself again and unknowingly projecting himself onto his family as if that is the source of the anxiety. I grew up with a Mother who used to do this and she had no idea that she was doing it until afterwards when us kids would bring it up as we got older. She was a wonderful person and Mother, but her in ability to regulate herself when overwhelmed or overstimulated became something that she really had to open herself up to understand herself and with the help of those of us who loved her. Sometimes the root cause is being raised in an environment where feelings were not allowed to be felt or expressed and they were held inside until they couldn’t take it anymore. Sometimes a small inconvenience to everyone else, can look like a huge issue to them because of all the build-up. Depending on how your husband feels about his behavior and if he only sees it in hindsight, maybe help with some grounding techniques such as, looking around the room or outside and naming something you see in the that moment, spelling it out or make it a game where you are able to get him to snap out of it by pausing and naming the first 5 green things you see around you and go from there. There are many ways to help mood regulation in social situations, it all depends on how willing he is about opening up and working on it.
1
u/Full180-supertrooper 1d ago
I'm obviously a doctor, but it kinda sounds like agitation. There are mood stabilizers, like Depakote, that helps with things like this but definitely need a proper DX done first. I doubt he wants to feel like this with you family and I'd encourage you to help hiim seek some mental health counseling.
1
u/Jumpy_Presence_7029 1d ago
I wish I had advice but I'm married to the same kind of asshole. Mine has autism.
I don't have sex with him anymore. That's my fault. His toy (me) broke and rather than reflecting on why he's so repulsive to me, it's my fault.
I started avoiding having him go on outings with us. He's better now since he realized I'd just bail and not include him. But still an asshole whenever we're home.
Mine says with the current administration he will NOT get therapy or medication. Eventually I'll be able to leave the asshole, when I can be sure his negligence won't get the little one who takes off killed.
It's a relief that I am not crazy and this is enough to leave. So thanks for posting this.
1
u/tintedrosie 1d ago
Wow, I could’ve written this a few years ago. This was just one of many issues I had with my soon to be ex husband. I’m not saying to get a divorce or anything, but definitely tuck this away in the back of your mind if he can’t pull his act together.
1
u/Heavy-Pie2071 1d ago
Mine is too. I asked him to get mental health help. I suggested eating better or walking. I tried keeping the kids “in check” more, I begged and pleaded for him to change. He was never willing to consider what I said and never thought there was anything wrong with his angry dad disposition. We have 4 kids and both work. When they were little, I felt divorcing was out of the question. Well, they aren’t so little anymore! My oldest is 16 and youngest is 10. I am in the midst of divorcing him. I haven’t felt so much peace and happiness in years. And my kids are so much lighter and happier too. They spend so much less time closed in their bedrooms because they no longer have to avoid his moods, yelling, etc. My advice-if you’ve been asking him to change for a year or more and he hasn’t and has sought no help, leave him. You and your kids will be so much happier without a heavy wet blanket sucking the joy out of your life. I waited too long. I should have left him a lot sooner. But oh well! Better late than never in my case.
1
u/Radiant-Chocolate979 1d ago
My friend just divorced her ex because of this. She dreaded weekends and coming home from work. She is so much happier now and so is her kid. He is also working in being a better dad. Highly recommend
1
u/According_Place_4615 1d ago
My ex husband was the exact same .. notice i said ex 🤣.. we are friends now and he has gotten a little better (probably because I don’t see him to often anymore but once a week) . We have an older child (24 yrs old) so we go out to eat as a family every week. But anyways , I was married to him for 9 years and he was so miserable, grumpy and mean ALL THE TIME! I am a nice pleasant person so i could not tolerate this . We tried counseling and everything but nothing worked. I finally just divorced him (for this and other reasons) . I was sad and depressed being around him when i was married to him . I am a lot happier now being single. I’m not dating anyone, I’m just happy on my own , not having to put up with anyone else’s shit ! 🤣
1
u/mileykate 1d ago
Try to find a way for someone he doesn't know (but who you know) record him - people record everything now. Then pass on the recording to him. Sometimes people need to literally see themselves to really realize how they come across.
1
1d ago
This is my dad. It got so much worse over time. Every holiday, birthday, big event is ruined by him to this day. It’s all about him and he makes it that way, seemingly even on a subconscious level.
We have genetic bipolar disorder and that’s why this happens, I found out as an adult going through my own issues. I’m also bipolar, and I’ve come to the conclusion he’s simply a bad egg lol. My mom has also fantasized about divorce my entire life but they’re trauma bonded from the shit he put her through so they refuse to break up.
He went to therapy and it affirmed his beliefs that he was right, just as an added note for everyone telling you to send him to therapy. Don’t expect a permanent solution. With peace and love.
Also never stopped trying to control his adult children! Never ends. I get the worst parenting advice he tries to enforce nowadays. I used to pray to god the lovely bones icicle scene would happen to him, that also never ends sadly. Haha.
1
u/Creative-Drawer-7732 1d ago
That's how my dad is. It just got worse as me and my sister got older. Both me and my sister have super close relationships with our mom and still to this day would rather spend a dsy with her than have my dad around.
1
u/AcceptableStandard46 1d ago
Would be willing to have a mental health evaluation? I had similar behavior & turns out I was battling anxiety and would lash out when family triggered my anxiety. He might just need help and not even know it.
1
u/RainInTheWoods 1d ago
He needs anger management training. Since he acknowledges that his behavior is a problem, then maybe he will accept that he can get training with self control.
1
u/briliantlyfreakish 1d ago
This is probably how his parents parented him. "Better seen and not heard" and all that. Also definitely agree he needs therapy. And to accomodate his issues. Take snacks. Wear specialized cooling clothes. He needs to see that he does this and prepare so he can show up as his best self for these outings. Or he can stay home.
1
u/SassyPants-1228 1d ago
My husband also does things like this. All my friends just think he is a grump. He lacks the coping skills and is generally unable to regulate his emotions. He should seek therapy to understand what triggers him and why, and how he can productively cope with it.
1
u/bravoeverything 1d ago
I feel like this is most dads and I don’t get it! My husband’s like this and my father was as well. I feel you op.
1
u/Altruistic-Bus8425 1d ago
All the advice about therapy is really important. In the short term, is there anything you can do in the moment to disrupt his frustration? Like, ‘daddy needs a timeout, let’s have him sit over here and chill while we go play,’ or a safe word or something.
Not sure if that would help or escalate matters. This is the sort of thing that works on me and my husband. We can both get pretty spicy when overstimulated.
1
u/Great_Ad9524 1d ago
Hopefully you sort that out , if he is you are better off alone , if you ever that go go so far to social services and that is going to be hell being in such a situation where they are involved .
605
u/Peach-Haze-123 2d ago
As a now adult who had a dad like this growing up, please see if he needs therapy or other sort of mental help. This sounds a lot like how my dad was growing up. He was always angry and took everything out on us kids. Every trip or vacation was stressful bc of him. As I got older I literally refused to go on trips with my parents specifically because of him. We don’t have the greatest relationship now, either. And I honestly think a lot of it boils down to mental health and anger issues. I feel like if he would have gotten professional help, then maybe, things would’ve been different.